My editor had me write this for the Harper Collins web site. But what’s more important, what are your New Years Resolutions? No confessions. I want silly! I want funny! I want absurd! That’s your homework for the new year. Post ‘em in the blog comments.
Seems like every year, when New Year’s rolls around, I either have a book due, or I’m about to go on book tour. This year, I have both. Which means that my resolutions all go toward trying to get my writing done each day, and get in good enough shape to deal with six weeks of travel and public appearances without succumbing to some virulent flying-monkey flu while on the road. (Writers who don’t have the blessing of a preschool child to bring home every pathogen known to man, tend to spend a year all by themselves making clicky-noises in a room, in which time they develop the immune system of a bubble boy, then for a month they go out in public, eat crap food, get inadequate sleep, and let people cough and sneeze on them while they sign books. In my experience, all book tours end in illness, one’s physical condition before leaving as well as the ability to lug a mini-keg of hand sanitizer around determines how far you get before it becomes the All Nyquil- Mucas-polooza tour. ) Therefore, here are my resolutions for 2006.
To keep my writing on schedule, I resolve:
I resolve not to pretend I need to defrag my hard drive every time I run into a difficult paragraph.
I resolve to give up on Gilligan and the crew getting off the island. It’s not going to be this episode or the next. Gilligan is dead now. He’s not going anywhere so I can turn off the TV and get to work.
I resolve to write down what is in the refrigerator, so I won’t have to go check every fifteen minutes during my writing day. I further resolve to actually believe that there wasn’t a mini-Snicker’s bar behind the celery that I just missed.
I resolve to stop checking on what’s up with those wacky kids over at Victoria’s Secret before I begin writing a scene.
I resolve that if I get stuck, the answer is not somewhere on Google, no matter how many times and how many different ways I ask. Google is not an oracle, it is a search tool.
I resolve to quit asking Google where I put my car keys.
I resolve to admit that not knowing a better term for douche bag does not mean that I have to go buy ice cream.
To take care of my heath:
I resolve to finally admit that coffee is not a food group.
I resolve to stop driving to the mail box at the end of the driveway.
I resolve to stop viewing salad as an evil entity bent on controlling my mind.
I resolve to admit that when Men’s Health says that your workout should consist of twelve exercises, three sets of ten reps, they don’t mean that you can spread them out over the month.
I resolve to stop claiming that my readers can’t relate to my books unless I eat a lot of carbs.
I resolve to slow down as I drive by the gym on the way to get ice cream – out of respect.
I resolve to quit waxing nostalgic on the days when I used to smoke. Technically, coughing is not an ab exercise.
I resolve to stop trying to hire someone to do my workout for me.
THAT’S IT. NOW GET TO IT! HAPPY NEW YEAR!