Christopher Moore's Blog

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IMPROVED BY ZOMBIES

March 5th, 2006 · No Comments · Uncategorized

Since more people read the blog than the BBS posts, I’ve moved these lists here as a public service.


Movies that would have been Markedly Improved by the Inclusion of some Brain Eating Zombies:


Room with a View Remains of the Day Age of Innocence Fame Pride and Prejudice Brokeback Mountain Blue Crush Miss Congeniality 2 Closer Ordinary People The Last Three Starwars Movies Who’s Afraid of Virginia Wolf? Chicago Terminal Citizen Kane Casablanca Lilo and Stitch Flashdance


Now, before you go, "Hey, Casablanca was a great movie!" Think. Yes, it was a great movie, but how much greater would it have been with brain-eating zombies? Huh? Huh? Huh?


"Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but soon, and forever. But we’ll always have — Elisa! Look out! Arrrrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggg!"


(Note, because I thought it was unfair to single-out one actor, I removed "anything that Ben Affleck has ever been in" from the list, even though I think even Ben himself would have to admit, that they would all have been better movies with brain-eating zombies added. This is not a comment on Mr. Affleck’s performances, only on the fact that he is in a lot of really shitty movies.)


I think I’ve made my point.


Brain-eating zombies are like the Pepperidge Farm Goldfish crackers of Cinema — there’s almost no situation that they would not improve.


Now, a list of Shakespeare’s plays that could be improved by Brain Eating Zombies:


All of them.


"To be, or not to be, or to be again, or to kinda sorta be — brainnnnnnnnns!"


"Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your ears, I come to bury Caesar, not to praise him. Yet there he be, walking around, calling for brainnnnnnnns!"


"Oh, what foods these mortals be — brainnnnns!"


"If you prick them, do they not bleed? If you chop off their heads, do they not stop chanting brainnnnnns!"


"We few, we happy few, we band of brothers.–And those now abed in England, shall hold their lives cheap, when they hear of the brains we did eat, upon St. Crispin’s day!"


"How sharper than a serpents tooth it is to have a brain-eating child!"


"By the pricking of my thumbs, something wicked this way comes. Darkling prince, evil thane, he riseth up to eat your brain."


I THINK I’VE MADE MY POINT


NOW A LIST OF ANDREW LLOYD WEBER MUSICALS THAT COULD BE IMPROVED BY THE ADDITION OF BRAIN-EATING ZOMBIES


Jesus Christ, Superstar


"I don’t know how to eat him."


Evita


"Don’t eat my brains Argentina."


Cats


"Memories — eating nothing more than memories…"


Phantom of the Opera


Sorry, the only way that Zombies could make this tolerable is if they could travel back in time and eat Andrew Lloyd Webers brain before he writes it, thus keeping this abomination from being created.


COMMENTS: http://bbs.chrismoore.com/viewtopic.php?p=68687#68687



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