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A Very Undead Christmas

December 1st, 2008 · 60 Comments · Uncategorized

Hey Kids,

It’s that time again, and in honor of our favorite brain-eating holiday season,
here’s a candy-striped peppermint bunch of Zombie Haiku, with selections by
Billy Collins and your very Own Author Guy, as well as some
talented writers and comedians.(Thanks to Ryan Mecham for putting this site together.)

ZOMBIE HAIKU

And while we’re on the subject, here’s that link I promised where you can order signed copies of The Stupidest Angel. The perfect Christmacaquanza gift.

Signed Stupidest Angel

Your homework, if you decide to accept it, is to write your own Christmas Zombie Haiku.

If you missed 6th grade, the format is

five syllables,
seven syllables
five syllables

But if you come up with a really funny one, no one will hold a syllable or two against you. (But if you do happen to be in a crowd, and someone starts holding his syllable against you, report them to security, because that shit is not in the Christmas spirit. Or, better yet, hand them some twinkle lights and some tinsel and tase them, bro. See if you can make the lights come on.)

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60 Comments so far ↓

  • Karen

    Eating gray matter
    Does not make you smart you know
    I like Skittles best

  • Thom

    A Dawn of the Dead haiku

    Let’s go to the mall
    We can live there forever
    Who forgot the food?

  • JasonB

    Will Author Guy post
    A new blog before Christmas?
    Did zombies get him?

  • Stephanie A.

    The Ultimate Goal

    Brains are all I need
    Mindless, thoughtless, no control
    Now living the Dream

  • Stephanie A.

    Twas’ Christmas night time
    And no mouse there was stirring
    Cause Zombies ate it

    Ha ha ha Merry Christmas : )

  • Nik

    ‘Helpful Hints for Left-Overs Night: Number 7′

    Pinch of tarragon
    Makes day-old brains taste alive
    Hmm, it’s a good thing.

  • B-Rad

    Why are brains so good?
    Because they’re soft and squishy…
    Toilet time is hell.

  • Tami

    Zombie reindeer prance
    Dashing brains about the snow
    Rudolph’s bloody snout

    Inconvenient truth
    Zombies environmental
    Leave a trail of gore

    Forty below here
    Zombie frozen treats from cold
    Canadian brains

    Between the shadow
    and zombies jaws lies the dull
    coiled evil of man
    (with apologies to T.S. Eliot)

    Have to say, Wingnut’s takes first prize for me; honourable mention to the zombie cat’s meow.

  • Picard

    Oh…Christmas Zombie Haiku…Well then.

    Silent zombie night.
    There hasn’t been a scream yet.
    Anticipation.

    Watch out for zombies,
    Underneath the Christmas tree.
    They’re small, but they bite.

    Christmas zombies rule!
    Your cranium makes them drool.
    Christmas brains taste good.

    Oh, Yuletide Zombie,
    You’d eat me on Christmas Eve?
    I hope I taste bad.

    Ow! stop doing that.
    Jeeze, quit chewing on my head.
    It’s Christmas time, yo?

    Zombie Christmas, Zom-
    bie Christmas Zombie Christmas,
    Zombie Christmas, Zom.

    Santa brought me brains.
    I don’t need any more brains!
    I wonder ’bout Santa.

    Rudolph looks so bright.
    Sure, he’ll eat your brains tonight,
    But he won’t know why.

  • Katarina Navane

    such a silent night
    rudely interrupted by
    the calls for your brains

    This isn’t a haiku but I thought I’d share the marching chants of the zombies in the Humans Verses Zombies game on our campus:

    What do we want?
    Braaaains!
    When do we want it?
    Braaaains!

    Also not a haiku, but I wrote this during a D&D game when we were supposed to be writing “orcish cooking songs.” It involves zombies and is sung (more or less) to the tune of “all i want for christmas is my two front teeth.”

    *chorus* Oh, you never really know ‘em ’till you eat their brains
    you eat their brains, yes you eat their brains
    You never really know ‘em ’till you eat their brains
    You eat their yummy brains!

    I didn’t know my mommy and I didn’t know my daddy
    I didn’t know my baby sister too
    But I’ve known a bunch of goblins and I’ve known a bunch of kobolds
    and I Knew that random pile of goo!

    *chorus* Oh, you never really know ‘em ’till you eat their brains
    you eat their brains, yes you eat their brains
    You never really know ‘em ’till you eat their brains
    You eat their yummy brains!

    The silly little elf-ies might think it’s crude
    and even chunky dwarf-ies might think it’s rude
    but I agree with Zombies, it’s just good food
    I like eating brains.

    *chorus* Oh, you never really know ‘em ’till you eat their brains
    you eat their brains, yes you eat their brains
    You never really know ‘em ’till you eat their brains
    You eat their yummy brains!

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