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A Very Undead Christmas

December 1st, 2008 · 60 Comments

Hey Kids,

It’s that time again, and in honor of our favorite brain-eating holiday season,
here’s a candy-striped peppermint bunch of Zombie Haiku, with selections by
Billy Collins and your very Own Author Guy, as well as some
talented writers and comedians.(Thanks to Ryan Mecham for putting this site together.)


And while we’re on the subject, here’s that link I promised where you can order signed copies of The Stupidest Angel. The perfect Christmacaquanza gift.

Signed Stupidest Angel

Your homework, if you decide to accept it, is to write your own Christmas Zombie Haiku.

If you missed 6th grade, the format is

five syllables,
seven syllables
five syllables

But if you come up with a really funny one, no one will hold a syllable or two against you. (But if you do happen to be in a crowd, and someone starts holding his syllable against you, report them to security, because that shit is not in the Christmas spirit. Or, better yet, hand them some twinkle lights and some tinsel and tase them, bro. See if you can make the lights come on.)

Tags: Uncategorized

60 responses so far ↓

  • 1 JasonB // Dec 1, 2008 at 11:51 am

    Zombies now rejoice
    Obama will ban the guns
    no more damn head shots

  • 2 Chris // Dec 1, 2008 at 12:50 pm

    A Bokor fed me pufferfish
    and made me his slave.
    That son-of-a-bitch!
    I was happy where I layed.

  • 3 Ken // Dec 1, 2008 at 1:07 pm

    The Zombie Army
    Lethal Ladies Running Past
    Movie Sucks Big Time

  • 4 JasonB // Dec 1, 2008 at 1:30 pm

    Zombies bit my dog
    hungry chihuahua now says:
    “Yo Quiero Cerebro?”

  • 5 Kir // Dec 1, 2008 at 1:37 pm

    All I want
    For Christmas is brains

    (Yes, I firmly believe that, said correctly, ‘Braaaaaiiiiiinnnnnsssss…’ is three syllables – although if you press the argument I might be forced to admit that zombies may not be the top of the class in counting.)

  • 6 Temple // Dec 1, 2008 at 2:06 pm

    Black Friday zombies
    Storm stores for deals on blenders
    “Hey-Is that my arm?”

  • 7 Evilmissmonkey // Dec 1, 2008 at 5:04 pm

    Caroling, lurching,
    the zombies make Christmas cheer
    all about the brains

  • 8 AngieBatgirl // Dec 1, 2008 at 6:46 pm

    Zombie Santa says
    “Do not want milk and cookies
    Bring on the brains, please.”

  • 9 Brian // Dec 1, 2008 at 8:18 pm

    Lurching through the snow
    Brains with an eggnog chaser
    Santa’s come for blood

  • 10 Mysterio // Dec 1, 2008 at 9:02 pm

    Civil War soldier
    gaping musket wound in chest
    tells Lincoln fuck off.

  • 11 Mysterio // Dec 1, 2008 at 9:02 pm

    Zombie scarab man
    rolls ball of human organs
    like wet chunky poo.

  • 12 Mysterio // Dec 1, 2008 at 9:03 pm

    Dead librarian
    sexy in her cardigan
    and puss dripping breasts.

  • 13 Mysterio // Dec 1, 2008 at 9:03 pm

    Shrubbery shutters
    zombies playing badminton
    with my shuttlecock.

  • 14 Mysterio // Dec 1, 2008 at 9:14 pm

    Smash and grab my heart
    I love you for your mind, your
    body is just gravy.

  • 15 Ryan Mecum // Dec 1, 2008 at 10:38 pm

    Girl’s dad from Gremlins,
    still stinking up the chimney,
    starts to climb back up.

  • 16 jeannie // Dec 2, 2008 at 12:06 am

    stinky green dead dudes

    lurch and moan slow, menaceing

    you get bit, youre screwed!

  • 17 jeannie // Dec 2, 2008 at 12:18 am

    great idea , chris!

  • 18 Eric Mays // Dec 2, 2008 at 6:37 am

    Necrophilia –
    Think of it as Nec”Romance”;
    Zombie love ain’t wrong!

  • 19 Eric Mays // Dec 2, 2008 at 6:59 am

    Pirate Zombies Rule!
    No interest in your peg leg…
    They want your booty!

  • 20 mattw // Dec 2, 2008 at 9:13 am

    Shovel through the leg
    Chainsaw through left arm from damn
    Far sighted slayer

    Darkness all around
    Woke up too late, need to feed
    Stuck inside coffin

  • 21 18Rabbit // Dec 2, 2008 at 9:18 am

    Santa zombie comes
    down the chimney Christmas eve
    “Ho, Ho, Ho”, indeed

  • 22 Michael // Dec 2, 2008 at 10:48 am

    Define trust for me
    Get a blow job from a Zombie
    Shows where your brain is

  • 23 18Rabbit // Dec 2, 2008 at 12:44 pm

    Zombie Santa’s list
    checked twice, good kids get eaten
    bad kids just get coal

  • 24 Sugar Ray Dodge // Dec 2, 2008 at 1:22 pm

    Santa Killed My Mom
    Beneath Mistletoe That Night
    Then Fucked My Sister

    Ok, I suck at this.

  • 25 Something Shiny » Webpourri - December 2, 2008 // Dec 2, 2008 at 3:09 pm

    […] A Very Undead Christmas […]

  • 26 makuleguy // Dec 2, 2008 at 7:11 pm

    A boy and his dog
    Eat Harlan Ellison’s brain
    Ironic, ain’t it?

  • 27 Amanda W // Dec 2, 2008 at 11:56 pm

    Be very merry,
    Next Christmas you could be dead,
    Marching to IKEA

  • 28 Sky // Dec 3, 2008 at 9:21 am

    They said: Ho Ho Ho
    You said: I’m not a Ho, BITCH!
    They killed you Ho.

    Wow, that was horrible. But I’m not fully awake yet sooo…

  • 29 mattw // Dec 3, 2008 at 10:55 am

    Gamey reindeer flesh
    Sugary sweet workshop elves
    Zombie Santa lives!

  • 30 Uptown_Toodeloo // Dec 3, 2008 at 2:28 pm

    Zombie Cat Haiku

    Meyow Meyow Mrow
    Meyow Meyow Mrow Mrow Me
    squirl brains taste good ow

  • 31 Carrie // Dec 3, 2008 at 3:19 pm

    zombie hordes advance
    droning out christmas carols
    they don’t like egg nog

  • 32 pgkites // Dec 3, 2008 at 6:58 pm

    who took away the
    candy corn before Thanksgiving
    damn christmas zombies

  • 33 Uptown_Toodeloo // Dec 4, 2008 at 7:05 am

    Zombie Cat Chirstmas Haiku

    Meyow Meyow Mrow
    Meyow Mrow Me eggnog and
    squirl brains taste good ow

  • 34 Wingnut // Dec 4, 2008 at 9:51 am

    Damned chemical spill
    Undead infest the village
    Blood drips on new snow.

  • 35 DanaMichelle // Dec 5, 2008 at 7:53 am

    Dearly departed
    You hold a piece of my heart
    Give that back, you fiend

  • 36 Marilyn // Dec 5, 2008 at 4:05 pm

    Slip Slide through the guts
    Trying to get to the brains
    Slurp … burp … excuse me

    jingle bell brain fest
    would you like fries with that hun?
    nope just plain-brain, thanks

    now serving brain fries
    everythings better deep fried
    double helping please

    Holiday humbug:
    bugbrain tastes good too
    try it anyway

    holiday brainfest
    it makes just as little sense
    read from the bottom

    oh umpa lumpa
    chocolate covered in brain
    that’s the gold ticket

    ’tis the season all
    give of yourself freely but
    save the brain for me

  • 37 phil // Dec 5, 2008 at 6:38 pm

    Chaos at the mall
    Black Friday has truly come
    the dead eat you now

    Zombies at Christmas
    With my favorite present
    I’ll put THEIR eyes out

    Elves are eating brains
    Santa’s leg has fallen off
    Christmastime is dead

    No gifts from Santa
    this year he will be taking
    your brains and your life

  • 38 Pete Diddy // Dec 5, 2008 at 7:19 pm

    How do you suck so?
    No doubt, I’ll love you always
    Merry Christmas, ho!

    Why are all dying?
    Brains by the evening flying
    Should have been a bird

  • 39 Donna Gore // Dec 5, 2008 at 7:37 pm

    Mostly they eat us
    But Sundays we eat Jesus
    The other white meat

  • 40 Ishie // Dec 6, 2008 at 5:17 am

    Uh oh, they’re coming,
    And the truck won’t turn over
    Someone hel…. NEED BRAINS

  • 41 Heather // Dec 6, 2008 at 10:01 am

    Christmas time is here
    What’s a zombie Jew to do?
    Eat gentile brains!

    Nun Gimel Hey Shin
    Eight nights of Undead feasting
    Yum, brains and latkes!

  • 42 Jim Picard // Dec 6, 2008 at 8:05 pm

    Zombies on the train.
    Yup, even in the rain, man.
    Always eating brains.

    Always eating brains?
    See, that’s where you’re wrong, my man.
    Sometimes we like spines.

  • 43 Ronni // Dec 8, 2008 at 6:54 am

    Chilled brains for Christmas.
    Winter brains’re best, ‘cept… Shit!
    This one’s full of snot!

  • 44 Skippykelly // Dec 9, 2008 at 10:01 am

    Eating brains is fun
    Making hot cheerleaders run
    Christmas every day

    Being dead is great
    No taxes for me to hate
    And no draft either

    There once was a zombie from France
    Who was quite long in the pants
    He bent over to suck
    It came off with a Schpluck!
    And now he’s a really F@$&ing sexually frustrated angry zombie…

    Sorry – that last one was more of a limerick (kinda). I just couldn’t help myself.

  • 45 Nessa // Dec 9, 2008 at 1:42 pm

    Meet Stan, the VP
    He was hit by a slain deer
    Now he’s a zombie

  • 46 Mark Covington // Dec 12, 2008 at 2:11 pm

    Brain eating zombies
    Would starve dining in congress
    Better feast on fiction writers

  • 47 Mark Covington // Dec 12, 2008 at 2:57 pm

    Tetratoxin laced milk
    Hallucinogenic cookies
    Makes Santa-zombie

  • 48 Crystal // Dec 13, 2008 at 4:55 pm

    Listen up, zombies!
    Only eat this bit, and that …
    Such easy weight loss!

  • 49 WTW // Dec 14, 2008 at 3:46 am

    Zombie, Don’t eat me!
    I have a wife and two kids…
    Er, eat them instead.

    Kitty curled in lap.
    Purrs, meows, then feasts on brain.
    Oh, shit! Zombie cat!

  • 50 Charlie // Dec 15, 2008 at 4:40 pm

    Alaska Palin
    The queen mother of zombies
    Please eat her brain now

  • 51 Karen // Dec 16, 2008 at 1:50 pm

    Eating gray matter
    Does not make you smart you know
    I like Skittles best

  • 52 Thom // Dec 16, 2008 at 2:50 pm

    A Dawn of the Dead haiku

    Let’s go to the mall
    We can live there forever
    Who forgot the food?

  • 53 JasonB // Dec 17, 2008 at 3:54 pm

    Will Author Guy post
    A new blog before Christmas?
    Did zombies get him?

  • 54 Stephanie A. // Dec 17, 2008 at 11:24 pm

    The Ultimate Goal

    Brains are all I need
    Mindless, thoughtless, no control
    Now living the Dream

  • 55 Stephanie A. // Dec 17, 2008 at 11:37 pm

    Twas’ Christmas night time
    And no mouse there was stirring
    Cause Zombies ate it

    Ha ha ha Merry Christmas : )

  • 56 Nik // Dec 18, 2008 at 11:35 am

    ‘Helpful Hints for Left-Overs Night: Number 7′

    Pinch of tarragon
    Makes day-old brains taste alive
    Hmm, it’s a good thing.

  • 57 B-Rad // Dec 22, 2008 at 3:33 pm

    Why are brains so good?
    Because they’re soft and squishy…
    Toilet time is hell.

  • 58 Tami // Dec 23, 2008 at 5:29 am

    Zombie reindeer prance
    Dashing brains about the snow
    Rudolph’s bloody snout

    Inconvenient truth
    Zombies environmental
    Leave a trail of gore

    Forty below here
    Zombie frozen treats from cold
    Canadian brains

    Between the shadow
    and zombies jaws lies the dull
    coiled evil of man
    (with apologies to T.S. Eliot)

    Have to say, Wingnut’s takes first prize for me; honourable mention to the zombie cat’s meow.

  • 59 Picard // Dec 25, 2008 at 10:07 pm

    Oh…Christmas Zombie Haiku…Well then.

    Silent zombie night.
    There hasn’t been a scream yet.

    Watch out for zombies,
    Underneath the Christmas tree.
    They’re small, but they bite.

    Christmas zombies rule!
    Your cranium makes them drool.
    Christmas brains taste good.

    Oh, Yuletide Zombie,
    You’d eat me on Christmas Eve?
    I hope I taste bad.

    Ow! stop doing that.
    Jeeze, quit chewing on my head.
    It’s Christmas time, yo?

    Zombie Christmas, Zom-
    bie Christmas Zombie Christmas,
    Zombie Christmas, Zom.

    Santa brought me brains.
    I don’t need any more brains!
    I wonder ’bout Santa.

    Rudolph looks so bright.
    Sure, he’ll eat your brains tonight,
    But he won’t know why.

  • 60 Katarina Navane // Jan 1, 2009 at 11:27 pm

    such a silent night
    rudely interrupted by
    the calls for your brains

    This isn’t a haiku but I thought I’d share the marching chants of the zombies in the Humans Verses Zombies game on our campus:

    What do we want?
    When do we want it?

    Also not a haiku, but I wrote this during a D&D game when we were supposed to be writing “orcish cooking songs.” It involves zombies and is sung (more or less) to the tune of “all i want for christmas is my two front teeth.”

    *chorus* Oh, you never really know ’em ’till you eat their brains
    you eat their brains, yes you eat their brains
    You never really know ’em ’till you eat their brains
    You eat their yummy brains!

    I didn’t know my mommy and I didn’t know my daddy
    I didn’t know my baby sister too
    But I’ve known a bunch of goblins and I’ve known a bunch of kobolds
    and I Knew that random pile of goo!

    *chorus* Oh, you never really know ’em ’till you eat their brains
    you eat their brains, yes you eat their brains
    You never really know ’em ’till you eat their brains
    You eat their yummy brains!

    The silly little elf-ies might think it’s crude
    and even chunky dwarf-ies might think it’s rude
    but I agree with Zombies, it’s just good food
    I like eating brains.

    *chorus* Oh, you never really know ’em ’till you eat their brains
    you eat their brains, yes you eat their brains
    You never really know ’em ’till you eat their brains
    You eat their yummy brains!

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