Hey Kids,
It’s that time again, and in honor of our favorite brain-eating holiday season,
here’s a candy-striped peppermint bunch of Zombie Haiku, with selections by
Billy Collins and your very Own Author Guy, as well as some
talented writers and comedians.(Thanks to Ryan Mecham for putting this site together.)
And while we’re on the subject, here’s that link I promised where you can order signed copies of The Stupidest Angel. The perfect Christmacaquanza gift.
Your homework, if you decide to accept it, is to write your own Christmas Zombie Haiku.
If you missed 6th grade, the format is
five syllables,
seven syllables
five syllables
But if you come up with a really funny one, no one will hold a syllable or two against you. (But if you do happen to be in a crowd, and someone starts holding his syllable against you, report them to security, because that shit is not in the Christmas spirit. Or, better yet, hand them some twinkle lights and some tinsel and tase them, bro. See if you can make the lights come on.)
Zombies now rejoice
Obama will ban the guns
no more damn head shots
A Bokor fed me pufferfish
and made me his slave.
That son-of-a-bitch!
I was happy where I layed.
The Zombie Army
Lethal Ladies Running Past
Movie Sucks Big Time
Zombies bit my dog
hungry chihuahua now says:
“Yo Quiero Cerebro?”
All I want
For Christmas is brains
Braaaaaiiiiiinnnnnsssss…
(Yes, I firmly believe that, said correctly, ‘Braaaaaiiiiiinnnnnsssss…’ is three syllables – although if you press the argument I might be forced to admit that zombies may not be the top of the class in counting.)
Black Friday zombies
Storm stores for deals on blenders
“Hey-Is that my arm?”
Caroling, lurching,
the zombies make Christmas cheer
all about the brains
Zombie Santa says
“Do not want milk and cookies
Bring on the brains, please.”
Lurching through the snow
Brains with an eggnog chaser
Santa’s come for blood
Civil War soldier
gaping musket wound in chest
tells Lincoln fuck off.
Zombie scarab man
rolls ball of human organs
like wet chunky poo.
Dead librarian
sexy in her cardigan
and puss dripping breasts.
Shrubbery shutters
zombies playing badminton
with my shuttlecock.
Smash and grab my heart
I love you for your mind, your
body is just gravy.
Girl’s dad from Gremlins,
still stinking up the chimney,
starts to climb back up.
stinky green dead dudes
lurch and moan slow, menaceing
you get bit, youre screwed!
great idea , chris!
Necrophilia –
Think of it as Nec”Romance”;
Zombie love ain’t wrong!
Pirate Zombies Rule!
No interest in your peg leg…
They want your booty!
Shovel through the leg
Chainsaw through left arm from damn
Far sighted slayer
Darkness all around
Woke up too late, need to feed
Stuck inside coffin
Santa zombie comes
down the chimney Christmas eve
“Ho, Ho, Ho”, indeed
Define trust for me
Get a blow job from a Zombie
Shows where your brain is
Zombie Santa’s list
checked twice, good kids get eaten
bad kids just get coal
Santa Killed My Mom
Beneath Mistletoe That Night
Then Fucked My Sister
Ok, I suck at this.
Something Shiny » Webpourri - December 2, 2008 // Dec 2, 2008 at 3:09 pm
[...] A Very Undead Christmas [...]
A boy and his dog
Eat Harlan Ellison’s brain
Ironic, ain’t it?
Be very merry,
Next Christmas you could be dead,
Marching to IKEA
They said: Ho Ho Ho
You said: I’m not a Ho, BITCH!
They killed you Ho.
Wow, that was horrible. But I’m not fully awake yet sooo…
haha
Gamey reindeer flesh
Sugary sweet workshop elves
Zombie Santa lives!
Zombie Cat Haiku
Meyow Meyow Mrow
Meyow Meyow Mrow Mrow Me
squirl brains taste good ow
zombie hordes advance
droning out christmas carols
they don’t like egg nog
who took away the
candy corn before Thanksgiving
damn christmas zombies
Zombie Cat Chirstmas Haiku
Meyow Meyow Mrow
Meyow Mrow Me eggnog and
squirl brains taste good ow
Damned chemical spill
Undead infest the village
Blood drips on new snow.
Dearly departed
You hold a piece of my heart
Give that back, you fiend
Slip Slide through the guts
Trying to get to the brains
Slurp … burp … excuse me
jingle bell brain fest
would you like fries with that hun?
nope just plain-brain, thanks
now serving brain fries
everythings better deep fried
double helping please
Holiday humbug:
bugbrain tastes good too
try it anyway
holiday brainfest
it makes just as little sense
read from the bottom
oh umpa lumpa
chocolate covered in brain
that’s the gold ticket
’tis the season all
give of yourself freely but
save the brain for me
Chaos at the mall
Black Friday has truly come
the dead eat you now
Zombies at Christmas
With my favorite present
I’ll put THEIR eyes out
Elves are eating brains
Santa’s leg has fallen off
Christmastime is dead
No gifts from Santa
this year he will be taking
your brains and your life
How do you suck so?
No doubt, I’ll love you always
Merry Christmas, ho!
Why are all dying?
Brains by the evening flying
Should have been a bird
Mostly they eat us
But Sundays we eat Jesus
The other white meat
Uh oh, they’re coming,
And the truck won’t turn over
Someone hel…. NEED BRAINS
Christmas time is here
What’s a zombie Jew to do?
Eat gentile brains!
Nun Gimel Hey Shin
Eight nights of Undead feasting
Yum, brains and latkes!
Zombies on the train.
Yup, even in the rain, man.
Always eating brains.
Always eating brains?
See, that’s where you’re wrong, my man.
Sometimes we like spines.
Chilled brains for Christmas.
Winter brains’re best, ‘cept… Shit!
This one’s full of snot!
Eating brains is fun
Making hot cheerleaders run
Christmas every day
Being dead is great
No taxes for me to hate
And no draft either
There once was a zombie from France
Who was quite long in the pants
He bent over to suck
It came off with a Schpluck!
And now he’s a really F@$&ing sexually frustrated angry zombie…
Sorry – that last one was more of a limerick (kinda). I just couldn’t help myself.
Meet Stan, the VP
He was hit by a slain deer
Now he’s a zombie
Brain eating zombies
Would starve dining in congress
Better feast on fiction writers
Tetratoxin laced milk
Hallucinogenic cookies
Makes Santa-zombie
Listen up, zombies!
Only eat this bit, and that …
Such easy weight loss!
Zombie, Don’t eat me!
I have a wife and two kids…
Er, eat them instead.
Kitty curled in lap.
Purrs, meows, then feasts on brain.
Oh, shit! Zombie cat!
Alaska Palin
The queen mother of zombies
Please eat her brain now