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A Week of Tweets

April 10th, 2009 · 8 Comments · Uncategorized

Okay, I’ve been on Twitter a little over a week. I’m not convinced, but for those of you who read my un-micro blog, here’s what I tweeted. (That’s such a wussy verb.)

Candy Porn Stars: Big Hunk, Bubblicious, Whoppers, Bit-O-Honey, Blow Pops, Slo Pokes, Squirrel Nut Zippers, Sweet Tarts, Pop Rocks and Zotz

Characters from my Pimp Movie: Good-n-Plenty, Hot Tamale, Skittles, Nutty Buddy, Snickers, Malomar, Ho Ho, Carmello + Abba Zabba, terrorist

New Species in Middle Earth that Might Go Unnoticed: Nerds, Dorks, Urkles, Ruffies, Emerils, Wiis, Oligarchs, Tossers, Octomoms, TicTacs

Rejected names for Peeps: Squeeks, Trills, Chirps, Tweets, Marshmallow-Motherfucking-Chickens-Bitch!

My revised 12 step program: 1 turn yourself over to higher power. 2 invoke higher power to destroy enemies 3 gloat. 4-11 celebrate. 12repeat

Things for Republicans to do besides T-bagging the Whitehouse: Dirty Sanchez the Lincoln Memorial, Hot Karl the Capitol, Donkey Punch IRS

Stages of Death: Anger, Denial, Barganing, Depression, Acceptance, Burial, Decay, Haunting, Revenge, Evil Laugh

Strategic Chess Moves: Castle, Southampton’s Gambit, Melvin, Swirly, Indian Burn, Fisher’s Feignt, Wet Willie, Famished Ferret, Bitch Slap 5 hours ago from Twidget

Rejected Glade Stick-up Scents: Butt, Tuna, Bus, Los Angeles, Papermill, Karl Rove, Buzzard, Hobo, Catbox, and bat spooge. 5 hours ago from Twidget

Rejected Jellybean Flavors: Beef, Pesto, Ass, Uranium, Bunny Scrotum Speckle 7 hours ago from web

Easter Activities to pass on: Peep Pit Dive, Jellybean Paintball Gun Wars, Naked Cadbury Egg Hide

Things to shout at Rapunzel: You look like you could use some creme rinse. (or) That tower makes your ass look huge!(What’s she gonna do?)

What to say if caught climbing the giant’s beanstalk: Oh Hai!, Dude, Huge Beanstalk!, So, they’re the musical fruit, you know?

Parks and Recreation _ I think we give it a chance. 30 Rock wasn’t great at first, but now, well, it rocks.

After suggestions, Children’s DVDs mistaken for porn: Bedknobs and Broomsticks, Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, The Black Hole, Horton Hires a Ho 3:03 PM Apr 7th from web

Childrens’ DVDs most often mistaken for porn: Holes, An American Tail, Fraggle Rock: Fraggling the Night Away, Debbie Does the Muppets 2:17 PM Apr 7th from Twidget

Exercises I’ll do, but the names should be changed: squats, dips, curls, crunches, butt squeezes, monkey flings, and bitch slaps.

New Dannon Yogurt flavors I’m not comfortable with: Pomogranite Berry, Key Lime Pomogranite, Grahamcracker Mouse

# TheAuthorGuyNew rule. Bitch, don’t e-mail me if you aren’t going to disable your spam checker for a reply. I don’t have time to take a test. Just sayin

Names for new erectile dysfuntion drugs: Limpaway, Woodex, Boneva, Stiffy Pop, PoleDancia, Chrysler LoveYouLongTime10:01 AM Apr 5th from Twidget

New American Car Models made to sound more Toyotish: Chevy Perplexa, Dodge Aphasia, Ford Infecta, Jeep Neuralgia, Chrysler LoveYouLongTime8:44 AM Apr 5th from Twidget

Baby Names to Avoid: Chlamydia, Wyandot, Rorschach, Weasel, Septum, Cooter, Ramjet, Oedipus, and Drano

More ideas 4 saving the auto industry: optional big “boobs” airbags, hybrid engine runs on cat box siftings, crop circle bumper attachment,

My suggestions 4 saving the US auto imdustry: Noise cancelling child seats, The Corvette Cialis, shamwow seat covers, Gps w/ compliments (nice turn!)

Baby Names you need to reconsider: Incontinence, Nebucanezzar, Boniva, Prilosec, Rumor, Subterfuge, Fuckstick.

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8 Comments so far ↓

  • Left Of Sean

    Chris, this is why we love you!! This ROCKS….and Twitter DOESN’T!

    It seems that you’ve used your Twitter account for evil, just as I have…well, that and self promotion. Let’s continue our evil work, shall we?

  • Chris M.

    Is it wrong to get a stiffy from reading names of candy?

  • Heather

    Stiffy Pop?!?!? Jeez, you make me laugh.

    I’ll stalk YOU on your Twitter, but I won’t have one of my own. I’m just not that interesting that anyone would care what I’m up to in 140 characters or less.

  • Mary

    Chris – I do believe you have found your calling. I’ve been looking for you on Twitter (yes, I am one of the unwashed converted). Glad to see you there. You do not disappoint.

  • Chelsea

    Can I just say that I hope you never end your tweets? They bring laughter to days at work where I feel my brain is oozing out of my ears.

    Thanks.

  • travist

    enough with the twitter!

  • Amanda Dubs

    Twitter sucks. I really think it does. And that of course is why I’m on it. A few of my favorite bands have twitter and it’s funny to follow them since sometimes they reply.

    http://twitter.com/Zippedychick

    Me :)

  • Katie

    For us wittle, itty-bitty lowlives that are struggling to get our voices heard and hopefully (one day) our words published, Twitter’s a decent tool for gaining contacts in your industry. No one gives a crap when I pick my nose, walk my dog or take a shit, so my twats, er I mean tweets, aren’t about inane babble like that, but it has its purposes. Wish you’d follow back, Chris….to quote Klaus Meine, there’s no one like you. http://twitter.com/gonzogastronomy

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