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BITE ME_Chapters 1&2

November 4th, 2009 · 162 Comments

Chapter 1: Hello Kitty

Being the Journal of Abigail Von Normal,
Emergency Back-up Mistress of the Greater Bay Area Night

The city of San Francisco is being stalked by a huge, shaved vampyre cat named Chet, and only I, Abby Normal, emergency back-up mistress of the greater Bay Area night, and my manga-haired love monkey, Foo Dog, stand between the ravenous monster and a bloody massacre of the general public. Which isn’t, like, as bad as it sounds, because the general public kind of sucks ass.

Still, I think that this battle of dark powers, the maintenance of my steamy, forbidden romance, the torturous break-in of a new pair of red vinyl, thigh-high Skankenstein platform boots, as well as the daily application of complex eye make-up and whatnot, totally justify my flunking Biology 102, (Introduction to Mutilation of Preserved Marmot Cadavers, with Mr. Snavely, who totally has his way with the marmots when no one is around, I have it on good authority.) But try to tell that to the mother unit, who deserves this despair and disappointment for cursing me with her tainted and small-boobed DNA.
Allow me to catch you up, S‘il vous plait. Pay attention, bitches, there will be a test.

Three lifetimes ago, or maybe it was like last semester, because like the song says, “time is like a river of slippery excretions when you’re in love” — anyway — during winter break, Jared and I were in Walgreens looking for hypo-allergenic eye make-up when we encountered the beautiful, red-headed Countess Jody and her consort of blood, my Dark Lord, the vampire Flood, who was totally disguised in jeans and flannel as a loser.

And I was all, “Nosferatu.” Whispered to Jared like a night wind through dead trees.

And Jared was all, “No way, you sad, deluded, little slut.”

And I was all, “Shut your fetid penis port, you spunk-breathed poseur.” Which he took as a compliment, so that’s how I meant it, because while Jared is deeply gay, he’s never really gayed anyone up, except maybe his pet rat, Lucifer. Strictly speaking, I think Jared would be considered a rodentsexual, if not for the difficult geometry of the relationship.( See, size does matter!)

Note to self: I should totally set Jared up with Mr. Snavely and they can talk about squirrel-shagging and whatnot and maybe I won’t have to repeat Bio 102.
Anyway, Jared is a fitting support player in the tragedy that is my life, as he dresses dismal chic and excels at brooding, self-loathing, and allergies to beauty products. I’ve tried to talk him into going pro.

‘Kayso, the vampire Flood had me meet him at a club, where I offered up myself to his dark desires, which he totally rejected because of his eternal love of the Countess. So he bought me a cappuccino instead and appointed me to be their official minion. It is the duty of the minion to rent apartments, do laundry, and bring the masters a sack with a tasty kid in it, although I never did that last part because the masters don’t like kids.

‘Kayso, the vampire Flood gave me money and I rented a très cool loft in the SOMA (which is widely accepted to be the best hood for vampires because there’s mostly new buildings and no one would suspect ancient creatures of purest evil to hang out there). But it turns out was like half a block from the très cool loft in the SOMA that they already lived in. ‘Kayso, when I take the key to them, hoping they will bestow the dark gift of immortality upon me, this limo full of wasted college-age guys and a painted blue ho with ginormous fake boobs pull up. And they’re all, “Where is Flood. We need to talk to Flood. And let us in,” and other demanding shit. And I’m all, “No way, step off Smurfett. There’s no one named Flood here.”

I know! I was all, Oh-my-fucking-zombie-jebus-on-a-pogo-stick! She was blue!

And I’m not racist, so shut up. She clearly had self-esteem issues which she compensated for with giant fake boobs, slutty blue body-paint, and doing a carload full of stoners for money. I’m not judging her by the color of her skin. Everyone copes. When I got braces I went through a Hello Kitty phase that lasted well into my fifteens, and Jared maintains that I am still perky at heart, which is not true. I am simply complex. But more about the blue hooker later, because right then the Asian guy looks at his watch and says, “Too late, it’s sunset.” And they drove off. Which is when I opened the door into the stairwell to the loft and was confronted by Chet, the huge shaved vampire cat. (Except, at the time, I didn’t know his name, and he was wearing a red sweater, so I didn’t know he was shaved, and he wasn’t a vampyre yet. But huge.)

So I’m all, “Hey, kitty, go away.” And he did, leaving only William, the huge shaved cat homeless guy, lying on the steps. I thought he was dead, because of the smell, but it turns out he was only passed out from alcohol and partially drained of blood and stuff. But I’m pretty sure he’s dead now because, later, Foo and I found his stank-ass clothes on the steps of the loft, full of the grey dust that people turn to when a vampire drains them.
So upstairs I’m all, “There’s a dead guy and a huge kitty in a sweater on your steps.” And the Countess and Flood are all, “Whatever.”
And I’m all, “And there was a limo full of stoners here who were totally hunting you.”

And they were all, “Whoa.” And they seemed more freaked out than you’d think, for ancient creatures of dark forbidden romance and whatnot. And it turns out they weren’t — I mean, aren’t. I mean, sure, their love is eternal, and they are creatures of unspeakable evil and stuff, but they are not ancient at all. It turns out that the vampyre Flood is only like nineteen, and he’s only known the Countess for like two months. And she’s only like twenty-six, which, while a little crusty, is not that ancient. And despite her advanced age, the Countess is beautiful, with long, totally nach red hair and milky skin, green eyes like emerald fire and a smoking body that could turn a girl totally lesbo if she wasn’t already a slave to the mad, man-ninja sex-fu of the delicious Foo Dog. (Foo keeps insisting that he can’t be a ninja because he’s Chinese and ninjas are Japanese, but he’s just being stubborn and goes all Angry, Angry Asian on me whenever I bring it up. )

‘Kayso, in the master’s loft I see these two bronze statues, one of this crusty businessman-looking guy, and the other looks like the countess, except it’s totally naked, or in a leotard, and bronze. And I’m all, “Exhibitionist, much, Countess? Did it come with a pole?”
And she’s all, “Help Tommy move furniture, Wednesday.” Like that makes any sense at all. (Turns out that Wednesday is a Gothish character from some crusty movie.)

Kayso, later, by virtue my extensive research and sneaking around and whatnot, I find out that the statues aren’t statues at all. That the countess used to be inside the statue of her, and that inside the crusty businessman statue, is the real ancient creature of unspeakable evil, the nosferatu that turned the Countess. And the vampyre Flood, who wasn’t a vampire at all at the time, had bronzed the two of them when they were sleeping the deep sleep of the daytime dead, which is like the deepest sleep you can get. (You should know right now, that there’s not yawning, gentle drift into sleepytime for vampyre. When the sun breaks the horizon, they drop rag-doll dead on the spot, and you can pose them, paint them, put their hands on their junk and post the pics on the web, and they won’t know a thing until sundown when they come on like a light and they’re wondering why their naughty bits are green and their in-box is full of propositions from elfin_love.com.)

I know. Whoa!

It turns out that Flood, who was known as Tommy, was chosen by the Countess as her day-minion, blood lunch, and love monkey, because he worked nights at the Safeway. Then, the old vampire, who had turned the Countess only like a week before, started fucking with them — saying he was going to kill Tommy and generally harsh Jody’s reality. ‘Kayso, Flood and his stoner Safeway night crew (called the Animals) hunted down the alpha vampire, who was sleeping in a big yacht in the bay, and they stole like jillions in art from the yacht and blew it up with the vampire in it, which seriously put habaneras in his tude lube, but when he came out of the water, they fucked him up good long time with spear guns and whatnot.

I know ! Oh-my-fucking-god-ponies-in-the-barbeque! I know! It just goes to show you, like Lord Byron says in the poem: “Given enough weed and explosives, even a creature of most sophisticated and ancient dark power can be undone by a few stoners.”
I’m paraphrasing. It may have been Shelley.

‘Kayso, the Countess saves the old vampire from being toasted, but she promises the cops (there were these two cops) to take him away and never come back to the City, but when they go to sleep, Flood, who couldn’t’ bear to lose Jody, took them downstairs to the biker-sculptors and had them bronzed. But when he was trying to explain to the countess about why he did it, he drilled holes in the bronze by her ears, and she turned into mist, streamed into the room, and turned him into a vampire. Which totally surprised him, because he didn’t even know she knew how to do either of those things. (Misting and turning, I mean.)

So then they’re like, both vampires, eternal in their love, but somewhat lame in their night skills. Because Jody had been feeding off of Tommy, she hadn’t thought through what they would eat after Tommy turned vampire. So first they went to this homeless guy, we’ll call William the Huge Cat guy ( because that’s what people call him) because he used sit on Market Street with Chet and a sign that said, “I AM POOR AND MY CAT IS HUGE.” And they ended up renting the huge cat, Chet, to be their shared blood lunch. But it turned out that a large part of Chet’s kitty hugeness, was fur, so in order to facilitate the biting process, they shaved him. I’m just glad that I wasn’t their minion yet, because I think we all know who would have ended up shaving the kitty.
But no! It didn’t work. I’m not sure why. But William got totally, date-rape-level hammered on the liquor he bought with the huge cat rent money, and they ended up feeding on him. Which is where I, the new princess-elect of darkness, was brought into the fold. (Into the “fold” means, like, the gang, as in gang of sheep, not fold like in what you do to T-shirts if you’re a casual cotton slave at Old Navy.)

It was I, who turned Tommy onto the needle exchange program, where he was able to use his pale thinness to convince them he was a junkie and get syringes so they could take William’s blood and put it in the fridge for the Countess to have in her coffee. Turns out that the only way the vampyre can tolerate real food or drink is if it has a little human blood in it. (The Countess likes blood on her fries, which is at once très cool and deeply fucked-up.)
So, as soon as the Countess and Flood figured out the deal with blood and food, William the huge cat guy wandered off and the Countess had to go find him, since she has more experience at hunting the night, while Flood and I moved stuff from one loft to the other. But I had to get lice shampoo for my useless little sister Ronnie who was plagued by vermin, and Flood sent me home early to spare me the wrath of the mother unit because he didn’t’ want his minion on restriction. (So noble. I think that’s when I fell in love with him.) Then he took the bronzed old vampire down to the water to dump him in the Bay before the countess got back. It was clear to me that Tommy had jealousy issues with the old vampire, and wanted to get rid of him. Except he ran out of dark before he got to the Bay and had to leave the old vampire sitting by the Ferry Building on the Embarcadero and run from the sun for his life. At the last minute, the Animals drive by in their limo with their stupid blue ho and scoop the vampire Flood off the street just before he was incinerated by the sun.

I know. WTF?

(FYI, when I type WTF, you are supposed to read it What the Fuck? Same with OMG, and OMFG, which are Oh My God and Oh My Fucking God. Only a completely lame Disney Channel nimnode pronounces the letters. Even BMLWA, or Bite My Lily White Ass should only be spoken as letters if you are hanging out with nuns or other people who are embarrassed about being told to bite asses.)

Kayso, the Animals go back to work at the Safeway, but not before they tie Flood to a bed frame, where the blue hooker tortured him to get him to turn her to a vampire, because now she had like all the money that the Animals had gotten for the old vampire’s art, which was like six-hundred thousand dollars, and she wanted to take her time spending it, so she wanted to be immortal. But Flood was like a complete vamp noob. He’d never even killed anyone and turned them to dust or anything, so he didn’t know how to change someone. The countess didn’t tell him that the chosen had to drink the vampire’s blood to receive the dark gift. So the blue ho tortures the shit out of him.

I know, what a bitch.

Meanwhile, the Countess found the huge cat guy, and I found the lice shampoo, but we don’t know where Tommy is. But the Countess was burned from going out on some hot water pipes, so she fed on me, right there in the loft, and I was all, “Oh shit, I’m going to get the dark gift and I’m like wearing my lime-green Chuck Taylors which are totally not the kicks for becoming a creature of unspeakable power in. But no, the Countess just partook of my sanguine nectar so she could heal. That’s probably where I fell in love with her. Anyway, she goes asking around about Tommy, and this completely crazy homeless guy who thinks he is the emperor of San Francisco (you see him and his two dogs in the north end of the City all the time) says that one of the Animals was asking around about Flood.

So I’m all, “uh oh.”

And the countess is all, “Yep.”

Next thing you know, we are at the Marina Safeway and the Countess — wearing her black jeans and red leather jacket, but no lipstick — underhands a steel reinforced trash can like as big as a lesbian gym teacher through the big front window, and she just walks right through the falling glass, badass as shit, into the store and starts kicking stoner ass. It was glorious. But she didn’t kill anyone, which turned out to be a mistake, as was, in my humble opinion, not wearing any lipstick. For while it was a heroic ass-kicking as has ever been delivered in real life, it would have been that much cooler if she had some black lipstick on, or maybe something in a dark maroon. But they told her that Tommy was tied up at, Lash’s, the black guy’s, apartment.

And their shit was all busted up, and I was like, “You bitches have been powned!”

And the Countess was like, “That’s cute. Let’s go get Tommy.”

She can be kind of a bitch sometimes. Anyway, we go to the apartment where Tommy is being held, but when we get there, he’s still tied to the bed frame, but stood up against a wall, all naked and covered in blood, even his junk. And the blue ho is dead on the floor.

And I’m all, “Uh-oh.”

And the Countess is all, “Yep.”

And she says something about how the blue ho must have broken her neck or something, because if Tommy had drained her, she would have turned to dust and there would have been no body. Anyway, the cab ride back to the loft was très awkward, you know, with Flood naked and covered with blood and the two of them all “Oh I love you” and “Oh I love you, too.” And I was being kind of a mopey little emo queen because I was jealous of both of them because they had their dark and eternal love for each other and I had like my lime green Chucks and Jared the gay-bait rat-shagger.

So that was good. The rescue and whatnot. Because we found the old vampire art money that the Animal’s had paid to the blue ho, which was like a half a million dollars. But then we found out that the blue ho was not dead, but somehow had accidentally drunk some of Tommy’s blood when she kissed him during his torture and now she was nosferatu. And she turned all the Animals. Which, you know, was bad. And not in the good way.
And the old vampire had somehow escaped his bronze shell, and he was coming after Tommy and Jody, and even me? He even shook the living shit out of William the huge cat guy while Jared and I watched from an alley across the street.

I know! We were all, “Whoa?”

So it’s like, Christmas night, and Jared and I are watching the midnight show of The Nightmare Before Christmas at the Metreon. And we’re all traumatized and whatnot from watching the vampire pound the huge cat guy, and the Countess calls us. And she and my dark lord Flood meet us for coffee at this Chinese diner, which is like the only thing open because the Chinese totally blow off Christmas because there are no dragons or firecrackers in the story.
Note to self: Write narrative poem exploring Christmas if the three wise men had given baby Jesus firecrackers, a dragon, and mu-shu pork instead of that other crap.

So, after all night drinking coffee laced with Jared’s blood and getting the story on the old vampire from the countess and Flood, we go back to the loft and there, in the stairway, is the old vampire, naked. And he’s all, “I had to do some laundry. That guy peed on my track suit.” He was wearing a total gangsta yellow track suit when we saw him shaking the huge cat guy.

So we like ran, and we had to hide my masters in some rafters under the Bay Bridge when they went out at dawn. No yawning or anything — they just became dead. Well, undead.

So we wrapped them in trash bags and duct tape and moved them to Jared’s basement lair in Noe valley. (His basement lair is sacrosanct — his father and step-mother are afraid to they might walk in on him wanking to gay porn — so it was safe for the masters.) Meanwhile, I went back to the loft to feed Chet the huge shaved cat and decapitate the old vampire with Jared’s dagger so I could get extra-credit points with the masters, but it turned out that I had not calculated sundown quite right. Since when does the sun go down at like five o’clock? That’s just fucking juvenile.

Anyway, when I’m on the steps I hear the old vampire moving around upstairs. And I’m all, “Awkward.” Then I hear a car pull up and I run out, right into the arms of this blond ho, who it turns out is the blue ho, who is now nosferatu, along with three of her vampyre minions who used to be the Animals. I know, “Uh-oh.”

So she grabs me and is just about to tear my throat out, when the old vampire grabs her by the neck and puts her face print in the hood of a Mercedes. He’s all, “You’re breaking the rules, ho. You can’t just go turning people willy-nilly.”

So I was doing a minor booty-dance of ownage at the blond ho, when they all turned on me. So I pull out Jared’s dagger, but just the same I know they are going to have a huge group suck on my pale frame, when this totally fly, race-pimped Honda comes tearing out of the alley, and everything goes white light around the car. And my Manga-haired love monkey, Foo, is totally in hero shades, and he’s all, “Get in.”

Kayso, he swept me away in his magic nerd-chariot, which he had rigged with ultra-violet floodlights that totally toasted the vamps with simulated sunlight. I know! I’d have done him right there in the car if I was not trying to maintain my detached aura of aristocratic chill. So instead I kissed him within’ an inch of his life, then slapped him so he didn’t think I was his personal slut, which I totally was. Would be.

It turns out that Steve, which is Foo Dog’s day-slave name, had totally been staking out the Countess Jody’s apartment for like a month, since he figured out that she was a vampire when some blood from one of the old vamps victims turned up in his hemo-lab at Berkeley. Foo is like some kind of biotech uber-genius, in addition to having mad ninja-driving skills.

Then Foo dropped me off at Tulley’s on Market, where I met Jared and Jody, who sneaked by Jared’s parents by pretending to be lovers, which is disgusting in so many ways I kind of gagged a little when I typed it. (Jared is my emergency back-up BFF, but he is a pervy little rat-shagger, as the Countess affectionately refers to him.)

So the Countess is all, “I’m going back to the loft to get the money.”

And I’m all, “No, the old vampire.”

And she is all, “He is not the boss of me.” (Or something like that. I’m paraphrasing.)

And I’m all, “Whatever, make sure you feed Chet.”

So we go back to Jared’s, and when we get there, the vampyre Flood is all fucked up from trying to climb face down a building in the Castro after a delicious drag queen, like Dracula does in the book (only in the book it’s not in the Castro and Dracula isn’t after a drag queen).

Note to self: When I am finally made Nosferatu, do not try to climb face down a wall.

So then my sweet love ninja Foo shows up. And he’s all, “I couldn’t leave you out here, unprotected. And secretly I was all, “You rock my stripy socks, Foo,” but publically I just kissed him and tastefully dry humped his leg a little. So we all got in his fly Honda and went back to the loft.

When we got there, second floor windows were open, and Flood could hear that the old vampire was up there with Jody.

And Foo was all, “Let me go.” And out off the hatchback, he pulls this long duster that’s covered with little glass warts. And Foo is all, “UV LEDs. Like sunlight.”

The street-level fire door was locked, so Flood was all, I”ll go.”

But Foo was all, “No, it will burn you.”

But they covered Flood all over, gloves, hat, and a gasmask the Foo keeps around in case of emergency biology and whatnot, then he put on the duster. Foo gave him a rubber tarp and a baseball bat, and Flood starts working the street like a half-pipe, running up a building on one side, then up the other, until he goes feet first through the upstairs window. Personally, I think the Countess could have just jumped up there, but she’s been a vampyre longer than flood and has better skills.

Kayso, there’s this blinding white light from the windows, and next thing we know, the old vampire comes crashing through the window like a flaming comet and hits the street right by us. And he gets up all blackened and snarly and whatnot, and Foo holds up his UV floodlight and he’s all, “Step off, vampyre scum.” And the old vampire ran off.

Then Flood comes out the door carrying the Countess, who is looking way more dead than usual, and we took them to a motel to hide them until we could figure out what to do. Foo stole some donor blood from the lab at his college and gave it to Flood and the Countess so they could heal. And Foo’s all, “You know, I’ve been working on the blood I found on the victims, and I think I can reverse the process. I can turn you human again.”

Which is totally why he had been stalking the Countess when I met him. So Tommy and Jody were all, “We’ll think about it.”

Kayso, Flood is holding Jody on the bed, and they’re talking softly, but I can hear them, because I’m just by the door and the rooms not that big. And it is clear that their love is eternal and will last for eons, but Flood doesn’t like being a vampire because the hours suck and whatnot, and Jody likes being a vampire because of the power she feels after feeling like a little wuss-girl for many years, and they more or less say that they are going to split up just as the sun rises and they go out.

And I was all, “Oh, hell no.”

So I had them bronzed.

I’m looking at them now. We posed them like Rodin’s “The Kiss” and they shall be together unto the end of time, or at least until we figure out how to let them out and not have them tear out our throats and whatnot. Foo says it’s cruel, but the Countess told me that they could go to mist, and when they are mist time passes like a dream and it’s all good.

But Foo did figure out his serum thingy. We lured the Animals to our love nest and while I was wearing the fly leather jacket that Foo made me, complete with the UV LED warts, which is very cool and cyber, I drugged them and Foo changed them back to human. And the crazy old Emperor guy said he saw three young vampyres take the old vampyre and the formerly blue ho away on a ginormous yacht, so we don’t have to worry about them anymore.

Foo wants to cut Flood and Jody out of the bronze statue during the day, while they are sleeping, and turn them back to human. But the Countess doesn’t want that. So I think we should just wait. We have this trés cool apartment, and all of the money, and Foo almost has his masters in bionerdism or whatever, and I only have to go home like twice a week so the mother unit still thinks I am living there. (The key was to condition her from age twelve that sleepovers are normal. Lily, my former sleepover BFF, calls it slowly boiling the frog, which I don’t know what it means, but it sounds darkly mysterious.)

So, we are secure in our love nest and as soon as Foo gets home I am going to reward him with the slow booty dance of forbidden love. But something is screeching outside. BRB.

Fucksocks! It’s Chet the huge shaved vampyre cat, down on the street. He looks bigger, and I think he ate a meter maid. Her little cart is running and there’s an empty uniform on the curb.

Bad kitty! GTG L8rz.

Chapter 2 -Test

1. The Countess Abigail Von Normal is:

a: Emergency Back-up mistress of the Bay Area Dark.
b. A Gothic hottie consumed by the banal hopelessness of existence
c: Not perky, but dark, complex and trés mysterious.
d: All the above, and possibly more.

2. The vampire Flood and his nosferatu maker, the Countess Jody, were imprisoned in a bronze shell in the pose from Rodin’s “The Kiss” because:

a. Their love is eternal and their mingled souls will live on in Romantic embrace to the end of time.
b. Foo and I were pretty sure that the Countess would go FOAKES (Freak Out and Kill Everything in Sight) when she found out our plan to turn the Animals back to human.
c. We just like to look at our friends, naked and bronzed, because it gets us all hot.
d. I can’t believe you picked “C.” You should get a big “L” tattooed on your forehead to save people time in figuring out what a ginormous loser you are! You wish that Foo and I needed pervy preludes to stimulate our orgasmic, toe-curling soul-sex. Trust me, the sun weeps that it cannot achieve the blistering hotness of our nookie.

3. Despite myths perpetrated jealous day-dwellers, the nosferatu only are only vulnerable to the effects of:

a: garlic (right, because pizza and the breath of vegans will quell their ancient power).
b. crosses and holy water (Oh right, because creatures of darkest evil are total bitches of the baby Jebus).
c. silver (Uh huh, and aluminum, because that makes sense. )
d. sunlight

4. My and Foo’s greatest challenge as minions is to protect our dark masters, the Countess and Lord Flood, from:

a: Cops, specifically Inspector Rivera and his clueless Gay Bear partner Cavuto.
b. The most crusty old vampire and his mysterious fashion-vamp posse.
c. The Animals, slacker wastee night crew from the Marina Safeway.
d. All of the above and whatnot.

5. Our best chance of defeating Chet, the huge shaved vampire cat is:

a: mouse ninjas
b: a big hug while wearing my most fly UV-LED leather jacket, fashioned for my protection by my aforementioned muffin master, Foo.
c. a saucer of tuna blood laced with sedatives and kitty-butt flavor. (I observed in his former mortal form, that Chet loves kitty-butt flavor.)
d. make a vampire Rottweiler to rock Chet’s worldview
e. either B or C, but definitely not D, wouldn’t A would be trés cool? Mouse Ninjas!

Answers:
1:D , 2:B, 3:D, 4:D.5E:
Give yourself, one point for every right answer.
Score
5- You rock my stripy socks
4 – Loser!
3-trés Loser!
2-Such a Loser that Losers pity you.
0-1-Spare us your contagious loserness. Next bridge you pass? Over you go.

(The book will be in stores April 1st, 2010 – Chris)

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162 responses so far ↓

  • 1 Dawn Jax // Nov 4, 2009 at 1:26 pm

    Man, I cannot wait for the rest!!! Write fast!

  • 2 Star // Nov 4, 2009 at 1:31 pm

    Chris – I swear I just got all hot & sweaty when I received my Tweet alert from you on my cell & managed to hack around the high school (where I work)’s firewall & read the first 2 chapters!!! You have made me super duper happy but writing this book!! Are 2 chapters all we get? Is that all you’ve finished? When can we get the whole book??????

  • 3 Star // Nov 4, 2009 at 1:31 pm

    oops – I meant super duper happy BY writing this book

  • 4 david // Nov 4, 2009 at 1:37 pm

    Abby’s back!!! oh thank god. She’s one of the most original voices I’ve ever read. I’ve missed her so…

  • 5 Chris Newman // Nov 4, 2009 at 1:40 pm

    Right On! Abigail cracks me up!

  • 6 Ally // Nov 4, 2009 at 1:42 pm

    YAY!! Totally made my day at work!

  • 7 karen // Nov 4, 2009 at 1:51 pm

    Author Guy – you Rock!!!! Thank you for continuing the BS Fiends legacy!

  • 8 Festus P. Bongwater // Nov 4, 2009 at 1:52 pm

    Awesome. When does the book come out? Any chance there’s a chapter exploring the worldview-rockage of Chet?

  • 9 Marie // Nov 4, 2009 at 1:52 pm

    Ye gods. This is totally all like filled with awesome n stuff!!

    THANK YOU!

  • 10 SamO. // Nov 4, 2009 at 1:55 pm

    Yay! ALL of your books completely kick ass, but the Bloodsucking Fiends series are my personal favorites! Thank you!

  • 11 aaron // Nov 4, 2009 at 1:58 pm

    My favorite books, I just read a dirty job and the scene in the shop when she brings the cigarette case in is also in you suck from a different point of view is the best literary connection I have ever read, thank you Chris. I cant wait for this book

  • 12 Jim // Nov 4, 2009 at 2:12 pm

    Oh sweet sparkly Jesus! OK, I hope you have the same person who did the “You Suck” audio book do this one too. She totally kicked ass and took names.

    Rock on, Mr. M!

  • 13 Suzy // Nov 4, 2009 at 2:13 pm

    Awesome….Thank you for the preview.

  • 14 Stacie // Nov 4, 2009 at 2:21 pm

    What a great way to recap without it being boring. Don’t look now but you’re brilliance is showing.

  • 15 LeftOfSean // Nov 4, 2009 at 2:27 pm

    Totally made my day!! That Tweet was the best thing that happened all week!! I can’t wait for the rest.

  • 16 Roy // Nov 4, 2009 at 2:33 pm

    Ya know … some people are just plain wyrd. (But not perky-weird, you know. More like eldritch honkin’, mushroom smokin’, twinkie tokin’ wyrd.)
    Cool!

  • 17 pippi // Nov 4, 2009 at 2:39 pm

    MORE! (please)

  • 18 Sam // Nov 4, 2009 at 2:46 pm

    Just reread blood sucking fiends and you suck this summer. Great to know there’s more to come. I’m really looking foreward to the next one. BTW Fool was fantastic!

  • 19 Doug // Nov 4, 2009 at 2:46 pm

    Will the entire book be written from the Kayso point of view?

    Chris Moore is like Chinese food, except you are still hungry as soon as you finish.

  • 20 Stephanie // Nov 4, 2009 at 2:58 pm

    Looked online after I saw this to see when the book is coming out. According to Amazon.com it hits the shelves March 23, 2010.
    And I second the idea of having Susan Bennett as the reader for the audiobook. Also have at least 10 people I know that would vote for her as the performer as well! Is great so far!!!

  • 21 chris // Nov 4, 2009 at 3:02 pm

    No, the whole book isn’t written from Abby’s POV. She has a big part, though, because I got so many requests for more of her shenanigans.

  • 22 Rayn // Nov 4, 2009 at 3:09 pm

    A vampire cat roaming the streets of San Francisco. My life will be complete as soon as I finish this book. The death merchant who covers the SE side of Portland can come and collect my soul, which probably resides in my Chris Moore collection…..

  • 23 Lindsey // Nov 4, 2009 at 3:16 pm

    Yay Yay Yay!! Can’t wait for the full book!

  • 24 Emma // Nov 4, 2009 at 3:21 pm

    Abigail’s (whos totally dark and sullen and not happy at all) PVC covered glory is blinding.

    AKA, IM PUMPED, these two chapters were tubular! (yah i actually use that word in everyday conversation, so what?)

  • 25 Vixen Jules // Nov 4, 2009 at 3:22 pm

    Chris, you’re writing gives me reason to bounce. I’m ready for April now.

  • 26 Amanda Dubs // Nov 4, 2009 at 3:26 pm

    Yes! So great to read these chapters, I can’t wait for the whole thing! You Suck was the first book of yours that I read. Freaking excited to read this!

  • 27 suzanne // Nov 4, 2009 at 3:46 pm

    Cannot wait! Loved Bloodsucking Fiends, You Suck and (personal fave) A Dirty Job. I hope the Emperor of SF will be in this one–I love him and his four legged minions.

    Shamon!

  • 28 Robert Kirbo // Nov 4, 2009 at 3:47 pm

    Chris, the family loves you even though you never make it over for Tks-Giving and all, and we have your earlier books enshrined. We have all your books, in fact, but we are getting spiritual carpet burns from the last few. Too effortful, not so blazingly hilarious or dare I say, “original.” I am delighted that you are returning here to some of your best “roots” and “tooths.” But, my fellow creative bon vivant, the sample chapters reveal a bit of that “trying too hard” and killing the flow sort of style that I was hoping you might have left back in Transylvania after your much deserved vacation. Readers can be great fans and the cruelest critics, because their fierce anger is driven by the deepest love. So, please, stretch your legs, relax a bit before grabbing that quill, and ease your reader into the madness…build that lovely cadence you once were the master of…and then wham – pow us with a totally awesome, freakin-blow-our brains ending. you know I speak truth to the man. :-)

  • 29 Ringnut // Nov 4, 2009 at 3:50 pm

    TTM (Thank the Maker) I’ve read the vampyre books now twice, listened to the audiobooks, I ask with tears in my eyes ,what more can one do with such literature while waiting for the third installment? You are a God sir!

  • 30 Russ // Nov 4, 2009 at 3:53 pm

    . . . what is the name of that website? . . . . YAHOO! True Blood and all the others will need to check their giggle-on-the-critter buttons now as we all sink our teeth, fangs or whatevers into this tasty morsel. Please make it April 1 for the release cause I can’t wait any longer.

  • 31 James // Nov 4, 2009 at 3:57 pm

    I cannot wait, but will have to (probably longer than most living here in Oz as I’ll have to wait for it to be shipped from the US…anyway I digress) for the finished article to hit the shelves. Thank you Author Guy for this wonderfully hilarious sneak peak.

  • 32 Layla // Nov 4, 2009 at 4:15 pm

    I’m So very excited to see a new installment of the Jody/Tommy/Abbey chronicles. You can bet your ass I’m totally going to be waiting for Barnes & Noble to open on 4/1/2010…
    This isn’t an early April Fool’s joke is it? I’d cry.

  • 33 Marayna Dickinson // Nov 4, 2009 at 4:20 pm

    Epic – as always! You perfected the character so well that I was reading the words fast enough to mimic the way she would speak.

    Can’t wait to read it all.

  • 34 Will o' the Glen // Nov 4, 2009 at 4:25 pm

    Where’s my time machine when I need it – so I can pass over all of the excruciating intervening hours, days and weeks until this book comes out? Can I pre-order on Amazon now?

  • 35 Ron Calk // Nov 4, 2009 at 4:36 pm

    This is like an early Christmas present! I’m so happy you returned to the vampires. I hated to see them left in bronze! Can’t wait for the whole book. Anybody else dying for an encore from “Pocket?”

  • 36 Tim // Nov 4, 2009 at 5:17 pm

    Oh, why make us wait? Post a chapter a day and then archive all of them into a huge pdf file for us to dl and we’ll all be a happy bunch. True, you won’t make any money off us, but what’s money among friends? Besides we bought all the other stuff you’ve done and it’s time you reward us completely for our loyalty.

  • 37 Lucas // Nov 4, 2009 at 5:23 pm

    I can’t wait to read how the darkest of minions and the Foo put their slightly odd, totally weird “sex life” aside to protect her masters. Thank you for continuing your amazing work. You have been “the food guy” for my brain.

  • 38 kat // Nov 4, 2009 at 5:26 pm

    Awesooome! I only like your vampires, no one else’s.

    Abby’s perspective is so fun. And entire book of her POV would be a little too close to that one book written entirely in netspeak though….*shivers*

  • 39 ET // Nov 4, 2009 at 5:48 pm

    Chris, please, please, how do I get on a list to get my copy FIRST (signed, of course, by the esteemed author).

  • 40 Nick R // Nov 4, 2009 at 6:53 pm

    Wonderfully fun reading, can’t wait for the release. I’ll pre-order for sure.

  • 41 Stephenses // Nov 4, 2009 at 7:06 pm

    We are so excited about the new book in the eyes of Abby. We have written several times looking for a book in her view. Can’t wait ’till the new book is out.

  • 42 Mitch // Nov 4, 2009 at 7:14 pm

    I agree with one of the comments above — the actress who read the “You Suck” audiobook was terrific. Also, just finished Fool — well done. Looking forward to Bite Me….

  • 43 Bob // Nov 4, 2009 at 7:25 pm

    SOOOOOOooooo Right!

    Just re-read “The Lust Lizard….” and “The Stupidest Angel V2.0″ for the 4th or so time……..it’s time for some NEW stuff!

  • 44 Kristi // Nov 4, 2009 at 7:41 pm

    I heart the new chapters!

  • 45 jim // Nov 4, 2009 at 8:23 pm

    Bite Me will be mine. Great stuff. Funny, appropriately sick, and did I say funny.
    Also cool.

  • 46 Spence // Nov 4, 2009 at 8:31 pm

    Chris: How about a prerelease copy for the troops in Iraq? (Okay, how about a copy for this troop in Iraq — I’ll pass it around to my friends after I finish reading it). I know Chris, you’re probably thinking, “How can you be in Iraq again, Spence — weren’t you just there last year? And shouldn’t you be in Afghanistan instead?” The answers are of course yes and yes. But Afghanistan will be around for plenty of years to come, so I’ll surely get back there in a year or two anyway. But enough about me. What will it take to get an early copy for ME?

    [And all my best to you & Charlee. I’ll look forward to the new book’s publication in April. Thanks for all your great work. Best- S.]

  • 47 Alan Daniel // Nov 4, 2009 at 8:46 pm

    Is there really a vampyre cat in Palau? I am aware of the manga-haired love monkey, but not the cat. When are we going to make a trip to the diving Mecca, Palua. My best to you. Keep the books coming.

  • 48 Dawn // Nov 4, 2009 at 8:48 pm

    My birthday is April 7th and I can’t think of a better present than a NEW BOOK!! Thanks for thinking of me! :)

  • 49 Lisa Rotta // Nov 4, 2009 at 9:10 pm

    In a world run by fucktards, your twisted witty humor and fertile imagination keep me going. Please don’t ever stop writing and keep the laughs coming.

  • 50 Candice // Nov 4, 2009 at 9:29 pm

    LOVE IT!!!! You are the best!! I can’t wait to read the rest!

  • 51 L. Frank // Nov 4, 2009 at 9:31 pm

    Thanks for posting the first two chapters as a preview to the new book! You Suck was begging for a sequel. I’m looking forward to finding out what happens next. :)

  • 52 Dawn // Nov 5, 2009 at 3:00 am

    OMFG that was AWESOME! Can’t wait for more. You’ll give me a whole new world of awesome quotes to make people think I’m totally nuts (which I am, for you, of course), but not in a creepy stalker way, which would be, well, creepy.

  • 53 Derrek A // Nov 5, 2009 at 4:48 am

    Great to see you back to your roots! Though I enjoyed “Fool”, I like seeing your characters grow with each sequel or new book with cameos. That was hard to do when your last book took place 400 years in the past. LOL. Keep it up! I am now looking forward to the new year again. How about a “Dirty Job” sequel next?

  • 54 Jennifer // Nov 5, 2009 at 6:18 am

    You made my morning.

    I’m thinking of making some soap dedicated to the books release…I’m just that excited.

  • 55 Vangelique // Nov 5, 2009 at 8:03 am

    LOVE IT! Just be sure your editor goes over it again … lots of typos and such. Can’t wait ’til April!!!

  • 56 Andrew // Nov 5, 2009 at 9:27 am

    Alright i can’t wait for the book…ill be preordering this as soon as i can get to the bookstore….Keep it up I love all your books!

  • 57 Robert // Nov 5, 2009 at 10:50 am

    Can’t wait to read it. I need another hit after “Fool”.

  • 58 Sephonae // Nov 5, 2009 at 11:14 am

    ::launches into protracted squeeing::

  • 59 Nancy // Nov 5, 2009 at 11:32 am

    I was so excited when I got the email!
    I can’t wait for all my fav characters to come back in print!

  • 60 Fred Barnett // Nov 5, 2009 at 12:10 pm

    Chris dude! Thank you for the preview. I love Abby, but how about the Alpha Vampire Benwhatsit? Will we hear more about his past exploits?

  • 61 Sara Fox // Nov 5, 2009 at 12:34 pm

    I can’t wait to buy this book!! You Suck was the first book I read by CM and it got me hooked on him!! Thanks for letting us have a sneak peak, can’t wait to read the rest!! Sara

  • 62 Raz // Nov 5, 2009 at 12:51 pm

    I’m looking forward to this one coming out for sure, but what I’d REALLY like to see is another Dirty Job Book. MOST IMPORTANTLY, a book all about the Angel Raziel. He is my all time FAVORIRE character out of all the books.

  • 63 Dave Beneman // Nov 5, 2009 at 1:42 pm

    Chris,
    It’s good to see all of your success hasn’t made you lazy. As a prepublished author I know the amount of coffee drinking, sleeping, thinking, and of course the time spent finding your muse’s new hiding place that goes into a novel. I hope the Emperor and his men are featured in the new one. Thanks for all the joy you spread around the world. BTW, your fans are a little whacky, in good way of course.

  • 64 Melanie // Nov 5, 2009 at 2:31 pm

    You’re the best! Cannot wait for the book.

  • 65 Saudy // Nov 5, 2009 at 2:48 pm

    LMFAO!!!!!!! Hysterical!! Can’t wait for the book, you rock!!!

  • 66 Sid Prince // Nov 5, 2009 at 3:06 pm

    trés awesome Chris. Seriously.

    I wish I could say that in perfect fucking French…

    Sid.

    Oh, and Kirbo. D-bag much?

  • 67 Mouse Girl // Nov 5, 2009 at 5:20 pm

    I am so annoyed! I live in San Francisco and have yet to come across any of these people, even though I’m right here!!!

    and then you throw out a nibble.

  • 68 Elsa // Nov 5, 2009 at 5:25 pm

    Thanks for sharing your work Christopher.
    I love your writing.

  • 69 Matt // Nov 5, 2009 at 6:03 pm

    “they’re wondering why they’re naughty bits are green”

    Not to be all nitpicky (or “crusty,”) but your publisher needs a new copyeditor, Chris– that should be “their” naughty bits. I offer this in utter respect, I hope you know.

  • 70 Curt (of Curt & Jody) // Nov 5, 2009 at 9:04 pm

    The preview was a great end to an otherwise really crappy day…I’m at work and Jody just brought me a late night snack–(No, really) and since I was re-reading about 1/2 of The Stupidest Angel a few hours ago to try and improve my humor, I just want to say…Thanks—loved the preview–April Fools’ day can’t come soon enough!!! Jody and I send our best–CPB

  • 71 Marayna Dickinson // Nov 6, 2009 at 7:01 am

    APRIL!?!?!

  • 72 Bite Me! Cover has been released… | Left Of Sean // Nov 6, 2009 at 7:15 am

    […] Chris has also released the first two chapters (although, I have to wonder about the 2nd chapter of quiz questions!) you can read here. […]

  • 73 Belle // Nov 6, 2009 at 7:36 am

    Nice job Chris!

  • 74 Kelly // Nov 6, 2009 at 8:14 am

    When I got word of this, my co-workers in the office thought I might have won the lottery based on my reaction. Sooooooo excited! Can’t wait for more, you TEASE!!!!!

  • 75 thestiller.de » » April bites! // Nov 6, 2009 at 8:31 am

    […] Moores Blog könnt ihr bereits in Bite Me reinlesen, erscheinen wird es in Amerika am 01. April 2010, was […]

  • 76 David Cox // Nov 6, 2009 at 12:24 pm

    Chris, Glad to see another book coming out. I very much enjoyed Fool…one of my favourites so far, as well as Dirty Job and Lamb. See you soon, I hope.
    Bear

  • 77 Curtis // Nov 6, 2009 at 12:33 pm

    April! I have to wait till April!
    Well now I know what I’m getting on my birthday (apr 3)
    Woot!
    Atleast I’m no longer pissed at Abi for bronzing Tommy and Jody… it makes more sense now… kinda.
    Can’t wait to read the rest.

  • 78 Kathy // Nov 6, 2009 at 4:43 pm

    Its like getting in touch with long lost friends! I love it! Can’t wait for April! Yay!

  • 79 WEG // Nov 7, 2009 at 2:34 pm

    AWESOME! LOVED the first two and can’t wait for the rest of this one. Thanks!!

    PS. “A Dirty Job” was my first C.Moore book…laughed my ass off!

  • 80 Kevin // Nov 7, 2009 at 3:04 pm

    Dear Chris: as an independent bookseller I am totally ready for Bite Me to come out. We talk a lot of Christopher Moore in the shop, and put your books into the hands of new fans all the time. No one stops with one. Abby is hot! Thanks for more of her.

  • 81 Ria // Nov 7, 2009 at 4:43 pm

    How wonderful! – something to look forward to indeed, it’s often difficult to get hold of some of the books in the UK, but well worth the wait! Forget Christmas, roll on April!

  • 82 The Book Pirate | Oh that’s right… // Nov 7, 2009 at 5:19 pm

    […] Read the chapters at Moore’s blog here. […]

  • 83 daryl // Nov 7, 2009 at 6:16 pm

    thanks for this after fool I’ve been have withdraws

  • 84 Bradley Smiley aka Darbimus Prime // Nov 7, 2009 at 6:58 pm

    YUSSSSS! My heart is turning in its own danky dark doom with the Narration by Abi.

    I am forever in debt to you sir… Let me compliment you by saying I find no other author as entertaining as you… he/she just doesn’t exist. its all about you man. Thanks Author Guy.

  • 85 Haids // Nov 8, 2009 at 1:27 am

    OMG (yes, I’m pronnouncing each of the letters :P) this book already kicks grass! Keep going, man, I’m laughing my head off. I just started rereading The Stupidest Angel to tide myself over until this one is finished. Much love from Seattle!

  • 86 Kayt // Nov 8, 2009 at 4:43 pm

    Chris – as expected, it is fantastic…can’t wait to read the rest!

  • 87 M N M // Nov 8, 2009 at 10:58 pm

    April…..guess I’ll just need to reread Dirty,Fiends and Suck. Kinna needed to anyway, need the humor lately…..Lots -o- Luv from the PNW.
    P.S. the yo yo has been a big hit with anyone who has read any of your books so far… I can hardly wait for the new one

  • 88 girl_with_stack_of_books // Nov 8, 2009 at 11:27 pm

    *freaking out* omg this rocks my world! i had completely forgotten how genius these books were i can;t even handle! i bet u don remember but i am onna the girls that ditched their english midterm to to come and see u talk at Kauai Community Colledge, and sat on the floor watching u reverently ^^. CANNOT wait till this book comes out ^-vv-^

  • 89 Katrina // Nov 9, 2009 at 12:31 pm

    Yes!!! Is Abby finally getting her fangs? The cover has me wondering! I can’t wait. Wait.. April?? REALLY? Too long!!

  • 90 Frank // Nov 10, 2009 at 9:01 am

    april first… this isnt some sort of early april fools joke is it?

  • 91 Mike D. Burke // Nov 10, 2009 at 11:49 am

    HOLY FUCKSTOCKINGS! I had no clue you were even getting started writing another book!! I’m so friggin pumped! Abbey Normal friggin is the shit!

  • 92 Acidrayn // Nov 10, 2009 at 12:15 pm

    Dude!!

    so stoked!

  • 93 Amy // Nov 10, 2009 at 12:41 pm

    YES!!!! I’m so stoked for this to come out! Thank you!!

  • 94 joolz // Nov 10, 2009 at 1:51 pm

    Just in time – I’m listening to Coyote Blue on disc when I’m driving. It’s even better than I remembered. But I have lived w/ a pervasive tension about Jody, Tommy & Chet since the ending of the You Suck. So thanks! I’m all about Foo Dog.

  • 95 Tabasco // Nov 10, 2009 at 4:54 pm

    Destined to be a classic on par with “War and Peace”… but without the snow, starvation, depression or mind-numbing deprivation. And there’s just as much blood!

  • 96 Artur // Nov 11, 2009 at 3:28 am

    Yesssssssssss finally!!!!! Can`t wait to read the rest. Thanks :)

  • 97 horrorguy // Nov 11, 2009 at 3:44 am

    Thomas Pynchon eat your bloody bombastic heart out—or someone might do it for you! Hell yes and bring on the night because abby is back!

  • 98 goddssmous // Nov 11, 2009 at 10:55 am

    Like OMG..Thank you!! Thank You!! for the taste of chapters 1 &2!!!! cant wait,, However!! damnit!! youre just like the dope dealer,,”heh,,heh,,the first ones free gotta pay for the rest” ive been hooked since day one!!!so whens the movie coming out”living in the mind of chris moore”??? hugs and happy holidays!!!!p.s. I think Anita Blake (for all you laurell k. hamilton fans )would pee her pants laughing at this one!!

  • 99 Reno K // Nov 11, 2009 at 1:28 pm

    OMG! I’m so excited! I love Bloodsucking Fiends and You Suck! Can’t wait til April 1! Oh, and Chris, you should totally sell out and turn these into movies. They would be freakin’ hilarious!

  • 100 Poofiemus // Nov 12, 2009 at 12:36 am

    Dude. *fangasms* I actually visited the blog because my mom made a pastel painting recently with a rock in it that strangely resembles the French Polar Bear. Then I found this, and had to try very hard not to wake the neighbors.

  • 101 k // Nov 12, 2009 at 4:19 am

    Awesome! You have thrust me into 2010 for the first time. Now I have a reason to look forward to it. You are ‘Da-man’!

  • 102 Lorrie // Nov 12, 2009 at 9:07 am

    Can’t wait til April!!!! Just re-read A Dirty Job last week and was wondering what’s next… you really are awesome Chris!

  • 103 Jen // Nov 12, 2009 at 12:12 pm

    I was so excited to get a sneak peek…but why not in my iPhone?! You should talk with your publisher about that. I know they have the ability to do it. You’d get a much greater reach (and I’d actually read it since my phone is far more portable and doesn’t have big piles of paper and clutter all around it!). But seriously… I LOVE your work and wait on the edge of my seat for each new release. Thanks!

  • 104 Jolene // Nov 12, 2009 at 4:20 pm

    Totally made my day! I love all of Christopher Moore’s books. AND NO MATTER WHAT ANYONE SAYS THERE IS NO LIMIT TO HOW MANY TIMES YOU READ A BOOK!

  • 105 Tammy // Nov 13, 2009 at 5:02 pm

    OMG YAY, I have been praying there would be another book in this series. I cannot wait. Thank you!!

  • 106 Jerrold // Nov 15, 2009 at 7:13 am

    YES!!!! Keep em coming Chris. Real tough though, to make us wait until April.

  • 107 Joshua // Nov 15, 2009 at 9:07 pm

    I miss Charlie Asher………can we have more on him and his ilk? Its GOT to be a richer vein to tap, maybe a cross over novel with the vampire bunch?

    …..nothing in the butt

  • 108 Emo Bitches // Nov 15, 2009 at 10:01 pm

    Super stoked about the new book!! Abby is one of my fav characters and I look forward to being reunited with our other characters from the past.

  • 109 seascout // Nov 16, 2009 at 8:03 am

    More please…………………

  • 110 Dog Bit Steve // Nov 16, 2009 at 8:40 am

    Dude! I cannot wait for April, which is a dangerous desire for someone of seriously advanced years like me. But, post#28 Robert Kirbo….back off, buzzkill! I had an english teacher like you in eighth grade. The anti-creative bummerosity of her still reverberates in my skull after all these centuries. I’d like to read you if you’re so great. And people, the narrative is Abby’s POV, so I think the grammar and spelling changes (vampire – vampyre) are probably an expression of her pubescent ADD. At least that’s my take.

    Yes, CM, I feel like a junkie who’s only gotten a taste.

  • 111 Jace // Nov 16, 2009 at 10:15 pm

    I’m gonna need to learn text speak. Looking forward to it coming to Denver?

  • 112 tabasco // Nov 18, 2009 at 4:43 pm

    Abby Normal/Steve-Foo Dog 2012!

  • 113 Will o' the Glen // Nov 19, 2009 at 12:04 pm

    With all due respect to the Author Guy – the 2-chapter preview is a bit of a cheat, consisting as it does of a synopsis of the BSF and YS! and a pop quiz on same.

    Come on, AG – give us a REAL taste of what’s to come!

  • 114 Will o' the Glen // Nov 19, 2009 at 12:04 pm

    With all due respect to the Author Guy – the 2-chapter preview is a bit of a cheat, consisting as it does of a synopsis of BSF and YS! and a pop quiz on same.

    Come on, AG – give us a REAL taste of what’s to come!

  • 115 el fudge // Nov 20, 2009 at 6:57 am

    So glad Jody and Tommy haven’t started shining like fruity disco balls. Vampires are not meant to shine. Looking forward to April 1. When does the tour kick off?

  • 116 Tre // Nov 20, 2009 at 8:32 am

    OMFG I cant wait till it comes out!!! I so want to read more!!

  • 117 Sky // Nov 22, 2009 at 1:04 am

    AHH!!!, when will the book tour dates be released? I am so psyched!!!

  • 118 Stephen // Nov 27, 2009 at 5:36 am

    Chris, you are one sick son of a bitch!!! Cant wait till April.

  • 119 December // Nov 28, 2009 at 5:04 am

    yes i cant wait to read it have loved them all so far!!

  • 120 December // Nov 28, 2009 at 5:05 am

    yes cant wait!!

  • 121 Ronni // Nov 28, 2009 at 5:38 pm

    YAY!!!! I want MORE Moore!!!!!

  • 122 Theo PINECOVE // Nov 30, 2009 at 6:24 am

    LOVE IT DUDE … SHIT HOLD ON DROPPED MY BONG

  • 123 Angie // Dec 6, 2009 at 5:24 pm

    Can’t wait for the rest of the book. Sure it’ll be worth the wait!

  • 124 Beers // Dec 7, 2009 at 2:58 pm

    April 1st……….hmmm…….I feel an April fool’s joke coming.

  • 125 gretchen // Dec 10, 2009 at 10:18 pm

    love your books and have read them all plus have many on CD that we listen to on long car trips… like a gift to our ears on the road.
    if/when this goes to audio it would be most excellent if the same woman read this one as You Suck – she did a great job,i can hear Abby’s (her)voice in my head when i read this…. thank your mom for rasing such a spendid imaginative man.

  • 126 Goose // Dec 11, 2009 at 11:02 am

    Dude, we’ve got to make these into movies. Let’s start with Lust Lizard.

  • 127 Luis // Dec 15, 2009 at 2:38 pm

    I think two chapters are a bit too short for a book, although I might have finished Joyce’s Ulysses if it had had just two chapters. I did not get the end either. Seems to leave the story hanging. Is this one of those existentialist French novels?

  • 128 Scarlette // Dec 16, 2009 at 12:22 am

    Great chapters, and yay, Abby’s back. Will Flood be big in this book? I do love his character.

  • 129 CC // Dec 24, 2009 at 8:17 am

    *booty dance of love*

  • 130 Shalonne // Dec 29, 2009 at 1:32 pm

    Dear Chris,

    Hello. I love your books specifically Blood Sucking Fiends and You Suck. I was wondering in the next installment will Jody and Flood be released from their temporary fixed state? Or will they escape by other means? In any event, I can’t wait to read the next book .

  • 131 Tommy // Dec 31, 2009 at 1:11 pm

    Anything in the future for a Fool2? I loaned my copy to a English teacher and never got it back! it may be required reading in her class next year LMFAO!!I am looking foward to the new book in April

  • 132 Sara Clarridge // Dec 31, 2009 at 1:13 pm

    I checked the site on a whim and nearly knocked over my coffee when I saw that there was going to be a new book. I can’t wait to read the rest of it!!

  • 133 Ron Arden // Jan 2, 2010 at 7:21 am

    I can’t wait to see where Abby, Foo and their pals go. After reading Fool and The Lamb recently, I am panting for another crazy romp through San Francisco with the vampyres.

  • 134 BJ // Jan 5, 2010 at 7:28 pm

    Bite Me?!? Can’t wait til’ March!!! Thanks for the good times, Lamb, You Suck, Fiends, Fool…

  • 135 DMG // Jan 7, 2010 at 2:30 am

    Always look forward to your next book. Still waiting for a sequel to A DIRTY JOB. Please!

  • 136 Tommy not Flood // Jan 8, 2010 at 4:28 pm

    Waiting with bated breath buddy.

    Glad you are doing another book these are your best characters.

    Best of luck from Ireland.

  • 137 Liz // Jan 8, 2010 at 9:24 pm

    Thank you so mjuch for giving me a good reason to suffer through another crap-ass winter…it will be much more tolerable knowing that Bite Me is right around the corner.

  • 138 Dee // Jan 11, 2010 at 5:04 pm

    The audiobook is fantastic!! I never laughed so hard. I can’t wait for “Bite Me”.

  • 139 Cr8zDrgn // Jan 14, 2010 at 9:34 am

    God I love your books, I can’t wait to read the rest before I go all FOAKES. I really enjoy the audiobook as well. She does an amazing Abby

  • 140 Gina // Jan 16, 2010 at 2:29 pm

    I loved “Bloodsucking Fiend” and “You Suck” and I have pre-ordered “Bite Me”. After reading the first two chapters of “Bite Me” I do have to say that most of those chapters are a recap of the whole “You Suck” book, I felt cheated, like instead of your great story telling you used two chapters of old material and nothing new, and to make it worse is that this is the last book of the series. Oh what potiental and excitement there could of been with two more chapters….

  • 141 Oliver // Jan 17, 2010 at 3:59 am

    Mad skillz Mr Moore. Grassy ass and donkey shit!

  • 142 Erica // Jan 17, 2010 at 8:13 pm

    I am so excited for this book. April seems so far away,especially after reading these two teaser chapters you shared.

    Definitely getting the day it’s released.

  • 143 Allen Tugaoen // Jan 20, 2010 at 4:41 pm

    You are the best author out there right now. And you hav an island fortress in Hawaii, my home state. So cool

  • 144 T.J. // Jan 21, 2010 at 8:52 pm

    I cannot wait! I have all of your books and enjoy reading (and re-reading, and re-re-reading etc) them. You rock!

  • 145 CHRISTOPHER MOORE’S VAMPIRE LOVE STORY CONTINUES WITH ‘BITE ME’ | Open Society Book Club Discussions and Reviews // Jan 30, 2010 at 1:05 pm

    […] Chapters one and two are available to read online here. […]

  • 146 kb // Feb 1, 2010 at 6:44 am

    yeah, like i need to waste even more of my time reading about how other people are having real exciting lives (and deaths) while i sit in this crappy little room munching cheetos, drinking beer, and wishing someone would call, for God’s Sake. I am so lonely…
    Okay, hurry up and finish the book, i can’t sit around here all day. Wait, yes i can. Damn.

  • 147 Mormal // Feb 10, 2010 at 2:57 pm

    Rocks my socks! I live in spain and I have to look around A LOT before finding ur books in english. but it’s sOoOoo worth it!!! (fav book: it had to be proclaimed!)

  • 148 lmitchell // Feb 24, 2010 at 8:59 pm

    Cant wait for the rest! (I really think tommy and jody need to vacation in pinecove.)

  • 149 Bob // Mar 3, 2010 at 12:48 pm

    SQUEEEEEEE!!!

    That’s it, really. Just a tiny, little nerd-gasm.

  • 150 Peter // Mar 4, 2010 at 5:02 pm

    I’m looking forward to seeing what happens to Tommy and Jody but I hope Abby fades into the background in this one, and I could have done without the throw away summary chapter (if that is really in the book).

  • 151 Dan // Mar 5, 2010 at 2:03 pm

    Awesome, simply awesome….stumbled upon ‘You Suck’ a few months back and have since devoured all you’ve written…anxiously awaiting the release of this one….any chance Charlie Asher will be making a return from the dead??

  • 152 Bree // Mar 10, 2010 at 4:35 pm

    I’ve been patiently awaiting this book for some time… Finally. I cannot wait for the new awesomeness to start! =D

  • 153 kbb // Mar 21, 2010 at 4:39 am

    I can hardly wait to find out if Abby thought to keep an opening between Tommy and Jody encased in the bronze. It seems odd they haven’t heard of the blood drinking cow herders and thought of starting their own hema herd. Maybe cross them with the little mini cows. I am with Jody. Keep the super powers and unlive awhile.

  • 154 Chad // Mar 22, 2010 at 12:37 pm

    Chris, you rock. Can’t wait until tomorrow. You are absolutely the best writer out there and I cannot wait to get my hands on this new installment. Any hint as to what is coming next (I am too lazy to go looking around on your website – yeah I know, but I am not too lazy to leave this cleverly worded comment).

    Thank you for doing what you do.

  • 155 Sharon // Apr 16, 2010 at 12:01 am

    Chris,
    I can not believe anybody would let their kids read this shit. But …. on the other hand, baby boomers (code name for old fucks) like me should read this shit everyday. It is slap ass funny! I found you totally by accident, believe me, I would never have gone looking for you, and am sooooo happy I did. I’m an avid reader and always looking for something interesting to read, you are it! I am going first thing in the morning and buying everything you have written that I can get my hot little hands on. I’m not even gonna bother with the public library. (When you read as much as I do, you go broke if you don’t find a libray! ) Good luck to you Chris and hope to meet you on a book tour, I’d love to shake you hand, if you promise not to bite!

  • 156 Christopher Moore at Vroman’s Pasadena April 9, 2010 « Book Signings and Events // Apr 26, 2010 at 6:11 pm

    […] international bestsellers, Lamb, A Dirty Job, You Suck, The Stupidest Angel, Fool and his latest Bite Me, is part three of the vampire trilogy. Someone asked if he was wrapping up his vampire stories […]

  • 157 TT // Apr 27, 2010 at 6:07 pm

    I need a book of Abby – very funny

  • 158 Chris // May 8, 2010 at 4:04 pm

    I agree with Dan, Charlie Asher should definitely make a return :)

  • 159 Kassie // May 29, 2010 at 11:49 pm

    Love all of your books- can’t wait until I get the chance to purchase this one.

  • 160 Josh // Jun 6, 2010 at 8:20 am

    Hi everybody!! I’ve only got one question; when is going to be traslate to spanish “bite me!” i cannot wait!!!

  • 161 Fresh Blood – there are other vampire books besides Twilight « suburban mama // Jun 29, 2010 at 5:05 pm

    […] If you want true teen vampire angst written with clever language and an action packed plot — then you must read Christopher Moore! I recently read “Bite Me: a Love Story” and was truly captivated by the adventures of Abby Von Normal and the odd cast of characters including the Vampire Flood, Chet a huge shaved vampire cat, Steve the Love Monkey and the Emperor of San Francisco. It’s strange, it’s modern – it’s wickedly funny, romantic, even. Witty dialogue and cool characters. Can’t wait to read the rest of the Trilogy. Read chapter excerpts from Bite Me here. […]

  • 162 Submissions Extended Through Sunday, Feb. 27th, 2011 « The Oval // Feb 22, 2011 at 9:35 am

    […] If your well of inspiration is running dry and you are looking for some fun, easy going reading, check out Christopher Moore’s blog and read the first two chapters of his new novel “Bite Me.” […]

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