Christopher Moore’s Blog

Tour starts today, kids.

I’m doing Talk of the Nation Today on NPR. Check your local listings. It’s 12:40p here on the West Coast.

Thanks for all your terrific reviews on Amazon and B&N.com. Keep ‘em coming.

Hope you enjoy the book. See you. I’ll report in as I get a chance.

Shoes on, Shoes off.

Pursue the eightfold path, But please step over here first.

What is the sound of one-hand pat down?

Does a nail clipper have a terrorist nature? Boo!

If you see the Buddha on the road, report him.

The bowl is empty. Keys! The bowl is empty.

Look deep into your luggage. No fair using the Xray.

Chakras on the tray. Quickly, back in their place!

Comments: http://bbs.chrismoore.com/viewtopic.php?p=70484#70484

Hey kids. I’ve had a request to clear up the difference. First, on my web site there’s a link to order signed books. Most of these books are a special signed first edition of A Dirty Job that I signed a month or so ago. They are just signed, no inscription. You can get them from any of the links on the page.

Personalized, however, is a different story. If you want a book for someone as as gift, with "To Stinky, From your very best friend in the world, Christopher Moore" or something like that. Happy Birthday, Merrry Christmas, Eat Shit and Die, whatever, you are going to need to make arrangements with the stores I’m going to visit. The contact information is also on the links, but you’ll want to call them by phone. I wouldn’t trust the web for this. (Although you might be okay with Mysterious Galaxy orders e-mail, as long as you get a response.)

For personalized copies, call:

Mysterious Galaxy in San Diego 800-811-4747 Dreamhaven Books in Minneapolis 612-823-6070 Books Inc in San FRancisco 415-931-3633 University Book Store in Seattle 1-800-335-READ Poisoned Pen in Scottsdale (888) 560-9919

If you have any trouble, e-mail me. And if I’m coming to your area, you can come by and get your book signed in person and say hi, dammit.

Some examples of my theory that almost any situation can be improved by the addition of some delicious cheesy goldfish crackers.

“Sorry about your Mom. Beautiful service. Goldfish Cracker?”

“Sure, my plane is plunging out of the sky at 600 mph., but these cheesy goldfish are very tasty, and in the event that we survive, we’re going to need sustenance. “

“And that brings me to you, Lion. Son, you will always be a great big wuss, but as you cower in fear of flying monkeys, take comfort in these tasty goldfish crackers.”

“Now we are going to torture you by placing electrodes on your testicles, so you might want a handful of these tasty goldfish crackers before we start.”

“Yes, the Fucktard as been elected for a second term. Perhaps some goldfish crackers?”

“Ah, yes Fortunato, I am going to wall you up in there, but if you look in the corner by that bottle of amontillado, you’ll find a whole bag of tasty goldfish crackers.”

“No, Bob, it’s not how it looks. I accidental dropped a goldfish cracker on my penis and Melody was snapping it up before it fell on the floor and the dog got it. Come on, I was you your best man! Here, have the rest of the goldfish crackers, I insist.”

“No, Dude, we’re not taking away your civil liberties, we’re trading you for them. Here’s your goldfish crackers. Should I pimp my robe with stripes like Renquist did?”

“They aren’t just piranha, Mr. Bond, they’re Wisconsin piranha, with a special taste for cheese products. You’ll never get across that moat wearing those Gouda boxers without distracting them. So I’m going to leave you to your fate now, with just this bowl of goldfish crackers.”

“Hi, welcome to the Perky Gerbil, I’m Brett, I’ll be your herder tonight. Just handcuff yourself to the bar, enjoy some delicious cheesy goldfish crackers, and we’ll get started in a jiffy.”

“No Billy, Mr. Snuggles is fine. We took him to live on a farm where he can run in the fields and eat goldfish crackers all day long.” “Well, technically you’re not supposed to eat anything twelve hours before heart transplant surgery, but I think we can look the other way for a few goldfish crackers.”

“Sorry, retard, this is Texas, you are hereby sentenced to death by lethal injection. What would you like as your last snack?”

“Have a seat Mr. Johnson and we’ll begin the audit. Help yourself to the goldfish crackers.”

“She’ll live, but she’ll always be in a persistent vegetative state and have to be fed through a tube – so, you know — more goldfish crackers for you!”

“Yeah, Kazlowski, I know. I used to be the sweetheart of cellblock B my own self. Know what’ll get that taste out your mouth? Some delicious goldfish crackers. Come on back to my cell, I got some hid with my shivs.”

COMMENTS: http://bbs.chrismoore.com/viewtopic.php?p=69048#69048

Since more people read the blog than the BBS posts, I’ve moved these lists here as a public service.

Movies that would have been Markedly Improved by the Inclusion of some Brain Eating Zombies:

Room with a View Remains of the Day Age of Innocence Fame Pride and Prejudice Brokeback Mountain Blue Crush Miss Congeniality 2 Closer Ordinary People The Last Three Starwars Movies Who’s Afraid of Virginia Wolf? Chicago Terminal Citizen Kane Casablanca Lilo and Stitch Flashdance

Now, before you go, "Hey, Casablanca was a great movie!" Think. Yes, it was a great movie, but how much greater would it have been with brain-eating zombies? Huh? Huh? Huh?

"Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but soon, and forever. But we’ll always have — Elisa! Look out! Arrrrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggg!"

(Note, because I thought it was unfair to single-out one actor, I removed "anything that Ben Affleck has ever been in" from the list, even though I think even Ben himself would have to admit, that they would all have been better movies with brain-eating zombies added. This is not a comment on Mr. Affleck’s performances, only on the fact that he is in a lot of really shitty movies.)

I think I’ve made my point.

Brain-eating zombies are like the Pepperidge Farm Goldfish crackers of Cinema — there’s almost no situation that they would not improve.

Now, a list of Shakespeare’s plays that could be improved by Brain Eating Zombies:

All of them.

"To be, or not to be, or to be again, or to kinda sorta be — brainnnnnnnnns!"

"Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your ears, I come to bury Caesar, not to praise him. Yet there he be, walking around, calling for brainnnnnnnns!"

"Oh, what foods these mortals be — brainnnnns!"

"If you prick them, do they not bleed? If you chop off their heads, do they not stop chanting brainnnnnns!"

"We few, we happy few, we band of brothers.–And those now abed in England, shall hold their lives cheap, when they hear of the brains we did eat, upon St. Crispin’s day!"

"How sharper than a serpents tooth it is to have a brain-eating child!"

"By the pricking of my thumbs, something wicked this way comes. Darkling prince, evil thane, he riseth up to eat your brain."

I THINK I’VE MADE MY POINT

NOW A LIST OF ANDREW LLOYD WEBER MUSICALS THAT COULD BE IMPROVED BY THE ADDITION OF BRAIN-EATING ZOMBIES

Jesus Christ, Superstar

"I don’t know how to eat him."

Evita

"Don’t eat my brains Argentina."

Cats

"Memories — eating nothing more than memories…"

Phantom of the Opera

Sorry, the only way that Zombies could make this tolerable is if they could travel back in time and eat Andrew Lloyd Webers brain before he writes it, thus keeping this abomination from being created.

COMMENTS: http://bbs.chrismoore.com/viewtopic.php?p=68687#68687