Well kids, you submitted your questions and here’s your answers. Submit your questions in the comments for the next edition, and remember, it doesn’t have to be about me. The AuthorGuy knows all, and what he doesn’t know, he will totally make up some shit about…
How much wood would a wood chuck chuck if a wood chuck could chuck wood?
AuthorGuy: I would tell you, but then you’d have no reason to go on living. Just be satisfied that you would not want to see a wood chuck chuck wood. The horror! The horror! Besides, you need a time limit. There’s too many variables in the equation. It’s a rodent thing with you, isn’t it, Rabbit? You’re just interested in rodent wood. You sick, sick bastard!
How come the pirates in Somali are not cool like the pirates of the Caribbean?
Authorguy: Well, Insane, I think it comes down to three major factors, Somali pirates are not as cool because they: a)Don’t have big hats with feathers b)don’t have parrots (or monkeys) on their shoulders, and c)are not based on an amusement park ride.
What’s the deal with all the talk of monkeys in Fool.
Authorguy: When I was doing my research I found out that people in the Middle Ages were fascinated with monkeys, or the “idea” of monkeys, since most had never seen one. A couple of the Medieval cathedrals I visited in the UK actually had images of monkeys in the stained glass windows along with the saints and miracles and whatnot. Besides, haven’t you always wanted a monkey? (Yes, I love that line from the Bare Naked Ladies Song.)
Gari Jo Axes:
Why do zombies want to eat brains and then go shopping at IKEA?
AuthorGuy: Because brains go perfectly with flat box Scandinavian furniture. Duh.
What is your current stance on ostriches?
AuthorGuy: I like ‘em battered and fried, with just a little hot sauce on the side.
Do you think fish sauce should be renamed?
TheAuthorGuy: Yes. It should be called “guess what” sauce.
Jurceka has Three Questions:
1.Are you allergic to anything interesting? Or (an alternative in case you are not blessed with any intriguing or particularly unfortunate allergies) do you have any interesting scars, due to either background story or shape?
TheAuthorGuy: Strangely enough, I have an allergy to velociraptor dander, although mercifully, it’s seasonal. I have a scar on my scalp with the number 668 – apparently I am The Neighbor of the Beast.
2. Did you pursue any of the career’s before this one? (I apologize if this has already been covered and I have just breezed on by.)
TheAuthorGuy: Not really careers. I had jobs, many. I was an insurance broker, grocery clerk, waiter, DJ, night auditor, roofer, it goes on and on. I actually held a number of these jobs simultaneously, so I did hang in there for a while. I wasn’t switching jobs every six months or anything.
3.Do you have any personal religious affiliations or have you in the past?
TheAuthorGuy: I was Baptized Methodist. I have no idea what Methodists really are, but my book Lamb is being taught in a Methodist seminary, so that’s nice. Currently I’m a Mahayana Buddhist, but not a good one. I’m kind of a Christmas and Easter Buddhist.
Journal Ecstasy Axes:
What do you do for fun?
Authorguy: I enjoy eating and I’ve been trying to learn how to paint the last year or so. (Oil paint, on canvas, not like barn paint.) I also like to take pictures. I just don’t have time to sort my pictures.
You have no plans on retirement, do you?
Authorguy: Absolutely not, but males in my family usually croak before they get to my age, so I might be retired without a plan.
JustJohnB floats the interrogative:
Hey Chris, how come you’re not on Twitter? Do you think it sucks or something?
Authorguy: I am on Twitter as TheAuthorGuy, and yes, I do think it sucks. I’ve been on about a week, but it’s wearing pretty thin pretty quickly. I’ll hang in for a while.
I want you to make a good living from your craft so you continue to entertain and enlighten me, so is it in YOUR best interest for me to purchase audio books, hard cover first editions, ebooks, or paperbacks? If I buy the audio books is it more profitable for you if I buy cds or download online?
AuthorGuy: Awe, that’s nice. The best way for you to make sure I get a share is to buy a hardcover when it’s first out from a bookseller. Next to that, a paperback. I won’t be doing any special limited editions any more unless the books go out of print or something. That was not a pleasant experience for anyone. As for audio books, I’d buy them from Audible or Itunes. I’m not sure how much I make, but I listen to them on my Ipod and ripping the CDs is a pain in the ass. If you listen in the car, the discs are probably best.
Have you ever considered going all Mitch Albom or, less sappily, Ray Bradbury with Dandelion Wine and writing a semi-autobiographical piece? I figure if you can make Jesus funny, you could definitely add some punch to the rather soggy world of memoir.
Authorguy: I’m not sure my life is more interesting, or that people would be interested enough to want to read that. If I live to be old, I’ll think about it.