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The Authorguy Answers Your Questions

April 9th, 2009 · 22 Comments

Well kids, you submitted your questions and here’s your answers. Submit your questions in the comments for the next edition, and remember, it doesn’t have to be about me. The AuthorGuy knows all, and what he doesn’t know, he will totally make up some shit about…

Rabbit inquires:
How much wood would a wood chuck chuck if a wood chuck could chuck wood?

AuthorGuy: I would tell you, but then you’d have no reason to go on living. Just be satisfied that you would not want to see a wood chuck chuck wood. The horror! The horror! Besides, you need a time limit. There’s too many variables in the equation. It’s a rodent thing with you, isn’t it, Rabbit? You’re just interested in rodent wood. You sick, sick bastard!

InsaneBeeYotch asks:
How come the pirates in Somali are not cool like the pirates of the Caribbean?

Authorguy: Well, Insane, I think it comes down to three major factors, Somali pirates are not as cool because they: a)Don’t have big hats with feathers b)don’t have parrots (or monkeys) on their shoulders, and c)are not based on an amusement park ride.

Nemotoad queries:
What’s the deal with all the talk of monkeys in Fool.

Authorguy: When I was doing my research I found out that people in the Middle Ages were fascinated with monkeys, or the “idea” of monkeys, since most had never seen one. A couple of the Medieval cathedrals I visited in the UK actually had images of monkeys in the stained glass windows along with the saints and miracles and whatnot. Besides, haven’t you always wanted a monkey? (Yes, I love that line from the Bare Naked Ladies Song.)

Gari Jo Axes:
Why do zombies want to eat brains and then go shopping at IKEA?
AuthorGuy: Because brains go perfectly with flat box Scandinavian furniture. Duh.

PsychoBabble Inquires:
What is your current stance on ostriches?
AuthorGuy: I like ‘em battered and fried, with just a little hot sauce on the side.

ROCKDJ Queries
Do you think fish sauce should be renamed?
TheAuthorGuy: Yes. It should be called “guess what” sauce.

Jurceka has Three Questions:
1.Are you allergic to anything interesting? Or (an alternative in case you are not blessed with any intriguing or particularly unfortunate allergies) do you have any interesting scars, due to either background story or shape?

TheAuthorGuy: Strangely enough, I have an allergy to velociraptor dander, although mercifully, it’s seasonal. I have a scar on my scalp with the number 668 – apparently I am The Neighbor of the Beast.

2. Did you pursue any of the career’s before this one? (I apologize if this has already been covered and I have just breezed on by.)

TheAuthorGuy: Not really careers. I had jobs, many. I was an insurance broker, grocery clerk, waiter, DJ, night auditor, roofer, it goes on and on. I actually held a number of these jobs simultaneously, so I did hang in there for a while. I wasn’t switching jobs every six months or anything.

3.Do you have any personal religious affiliations or have you in the past?

TheAuthorGuy: I was Baptized Methodist. I have no idea what Methodists really are, but my book Lamb is being taught in a Methodist seminary, so that’s nice. Currently I’m a Mahayana Buddhist, but not a good one. I’m kind of a Christmas and Easter Buddhist.

Journal Ecstasy Axes:
What do you do for fun?
Authorguy: I enjoy eating and I’ve been trying to learn how to paint the last year or so. (Oil paint, on canvas, not like barn paint.) I also like to take pictures. I just don’t have time to sort my pictures.

SoItGoes inquires:
You have no plans on retirement, do you?
Authorguy: Absolutely not, but males in my family usually croak before they get to my age, so I might be retired without a plan.

JustJohnB floats the interrogative:
Hey Chris, how come you’re not on Twitter? Do you think it sucks or something?

Authorguy: I am on Twitter as TheAuthorGuy, and yes, I do think it sucks. I’ve been on about a week, but it’s wearing pretty thin pretty quickly. I’ll hang in for a while.

Michelle asks:
I want you to make a good living from your craft so you continue to entertain and enlighten me, so is it in YOUR best interest for me to purchase audio books, hard cover first editions, ebooks, or paperbacks? If I buy the audio books is it more profitable for you if I buy cds or download online?

AuthorGuy: Awe, that’s nice. The best way for you to make sure I get a share is to buy a hardcover when it’s first out from a bookseller. Next to that, a paperback. I won’t be doing any special limited editions any more unless the books go out of print or something. That was not a pleasant experience for anyone. As for audio books, I’d buy them from Audible or Itunes. I’m not sure how much I make, but I listen to them on my Ipod and ripping the CDs is a pain in the ass. If you listen in the car, the discs are probably best.

Laura queries:
Have you ever considered going all Mitch Albom or, less sappily, Ray Bradbury with Dandelion Wine and writing a semi-autobiographical piece? I figure if you can make Jesus funny, you could definitely add some punch to the rather soggy world of memoir.

Authorguy: I’m not sure my life is more interesting, or that people would be interested enough to want to read that. If I live to be old, I’ll think about it.

Tags: Stuff · Uncategorized

22 responses so far ↓

  • 1 jeannie aka girlEgirl // Apr 10, 2009 at 12:19 am

    first of all chris, people would read anything with your name on it. you could publish your shopping list and im sure we would scoff that shit up!

    as for my question, coming from me it’ll be a bit of a surprise; “did you ever do any hard drugs and or heavy drinking when you were young. and how did it affect your writing? which leads me t o my next question… old were you when you started getting recognized for your writing talent? :O)

  • 2 Left Of Sean // Apr 10, 2009 at 5:24 am

    I agree with Jeannie aka girlEgirl. We’re fans! Huge fans! We would read just about anything you publish because we know the quality of the work you’ve produced in the past.

    So here’s my question: When do we get more? We’ve devoured everything you’ve written and we’re hungry!

  • 3 mllefifi // Apr 10, 2009 at 8:08 am

    Chris, these oil paintings that you’ve been doing lately — are you going to photograph them so that we can see them, are you going to sell them, and, if not, will you give them to me so that I can sign my name on them and sell them myself? (‘cuz I can’t draw a straight line, let alone paint one, so my only option is artistic plagiarism..)

  • 4 Henry Cruz // Apr 10, 2009 at 12:16 pm

    Hey Chris…I was at your book signing event in New York — you signed my very own copy of “Fool” — must say, your decision to go freeballing and vamp on topics are so funny — you should’ve consider stand-up as a side gig. Which leads me to my question —

    since writing is such a solitary act — how do you know something is funny on the page? For my money the character of abby normal — who high jacked “You Suck” was nailed so damn well…you should be paid extra for being funny and should retire on that character alone (I smell sitcom on HBO)…but, I digress…

    What’s your funny test? — and while you’re at it, why aren’t you doing a Showtime or HBO gig…buddy, they really do need you …


    Henry Cruz

  • 5 Ronni // Apr 12, 2009 at 8:20 am

    I’m willing to believe that your life may not be all that interesting … yet, I still FIRMLY believe that your telling of your life could be interesting. I mean, I didn’t really think King Lear was all that great, and the Bible’s really not much of a page turner, but your works loosely based on them were/are fantastic! So, I’d totally be into something that was “loosely based” on your life … maybe a “double auto biography”, or an “Autobiography A and B” (You know, like Kant’s big work … which I’ve read several times and which I am completely drawing a blank on the name… _Critique of Pure Reason_ … Argh! That’s not right, is it? Dang it! So much for “name dropping” major philosophical treatises to make myself look smarter!)

  • 6 kitts // Apr 13, 2009 at 9:00 am

    Your books awesome my face off. Praise Biff for sarcasm.

    Question: Who would you say killed common sense and what would be the best punishment for said crime against mankind?

  • 7 Illuminara // Apr 15, 2009 at 1:39 pm

    I wanted to tell you some of the reasons Fluke is my favorite (you signed it for me at the Capitola Book Cafe; I was with my friend who had you sign Fool with a ludicrously long nickname)
    1. I saw the same Discovery special or whatever that show was that mentioned the mystery noise off the coast of Chile; fascinated the heck out of me too. Your theory makes perfect sense.
    And I hold the title of “Keeper of the Booty” in my house.

  • 8 Amanda Dubs // Apr 15, 2009 at 11:23 pm

    If you die I’ll smack you in the face. You can’t ever do that. That’s what happened to Robert Jordan. He checked out early and got a smack in the face. *tear*

    Question: You don’t think I’m lame cause I’m a Twilight fan do you?

    Something about it just got me addicted two years ago. You didn’t have anything new out, and it wasn’t popular at the time and…yeah.

    Suggestion: If there’s another tour next year you should come to Dallas instead of/or as well as Austin. While I really like that town the four hour drive is not necessarily to my convenience. Not that you care or have a choice but…just a thought 🙂

  • 9 Katie Labor // Apr 19, 2009 at 5:09 pm

    Hello!:) I was just wondering why the next book is another SF vampires book. I don’t mind, and I’m totally going to read it, I just didn’t think there would be a threequel. Do you have more cool stuff to say about Jody and Thomas? Also, not a question or anything, but it would be TOTALLY awesome to see a Dirty Job sequel. Just saying. Thanks for reading! 🙂

  • 10 Cindy // Apr 20, 2009 at 2:57 pm

    I hope I’m not too late to submit a question for next time. It’s of earth-shattering importance.

    May I copyedit your next book?

  • 11 Cooter // Apr 23, 2009 at 1:02 pm

    My question to you is this, Say there was a talking dog that was smarter than you and started ripping off your ideas for new books. Would this intimidate you and make you sue the beast? Or would you be-friend the puppy and collaborate on the next great AurthorGuy book?

  • 12 Kate O'Shea // Apr 28, 2009 at 4:54 pm

    Tis a funny man who writes this stuff. I have given books to strangers just to say he to fantastic. Sheese I never thought anything would make me laugh outloud as much as Good Omens by Prachett, but by all that is unholy this has to be the best freaking writer….You, Mr Moore, are absolutely forbidden to leave this planet until I die first. By the way I have just started joker, and I am quite sure the mothers at my daughters school think I am quite mad with my maniacle laughter…damn good stuff

  • 13 carol // May 3, 2009 at 11:38 am

    I’m a newbie and just finished “a dirty job.” My question is do you know about the short-lived tv series “dead like me” with mandy patankin (sp?) and which came first the chicken or the egg?

  • 14 Cindy // May 7, 2009 at 5:19 pm

    Another question that has me burning with curiosity: What’s the Emperor’s story? He almost has a hint of a flashback about his previous life once, and something tells me you know where he came from, why, and how.

  • 15 Betty D. // Aug 23, 2009 at 6:34 pm

    I know you’ve said that Lamb was very well received, but do you ever kind of wish you had crazy protesters and prayer groups outside your signings? They really are very entertaining people.

  • 16 Mike // Sep 18, 2009 at 5:57 am

    What’s the weirdest shit you’ve ever eaten. Conversely, what’s the weirdest shit you want to eat?
    Also, when are you coming back to Canada? We have Moose.

  • 17 Melanie // Dec 8, 2009 at 9:32 am

    This is a statement not a question. I am waiting with breathless anticipation for Bite Me. You’re the best. Thanks.

  • 18 Mikes // Jan 27, 2010 at 6:02 pm

    I know I’m ridiculously late to the party here, but trailing the site I was reading this blog entry (great, btw) and read about Chris’ insistance that the medieval british were nuts abouts monkeys, and, being English, I have a british-monkey story that may amuse.

    It’s not medieval, it was in the early 19th century during the napoleanic wars when a circus travelling on boat across the North Sea sank and onto the beach near a town called Middlseborough washed up a lone chimpanzee.

    Now, anyone family with that period in history will know that people didn’t travel much in those days, and nearly 100% of people died within a few miles of where they were born…. so how would they know a monkey when they saw one? They did, however, get the propoganga against the eveil frenchman Napolean Bonapart, the posters of which went out of their way to paint your everage Frenchman as a hairy, bent… you get the picture.

    Anyway, the good people of Middlesborough were shocked to find that a French spy had been washed up on their fine (by English standards, be kind) beach! So they did what any concsiencious patriots would do ina time of war; they put the chimp on trial, found him guilty (when they couldn’t find anyone to translate ‘le ook’) and hung it.

    It’s all true and matter of record. In fact Middlesborough footbal club is still nicknamed The Monkey Hangers.

  • 19 doggirl // Feb 20, 2010 at 6:35 am

    I second that emotion on the Dirty Job sequel. I effing love that one.

  • 20 Skeeve // Aug 26, 2010 at 6:19 pm

    If you do croak, can I borrow your remains for Halloween? I’m really trying to set the bar this year.

  • 21 Audrey Leroux // Sep 20, 2017 at 7:05 am

    My question is this, when will Noir be released? Even just a rough idea would be good, I have searched everywhere and everything says coming soon. What is soon?? It was done Christmas of 2016, that’s a long time to edit a book!! I could do it for you faster and for free. 😂 I accidentally came across your book “it’s a dirty job” at Barnes and Knoble, loved the cover of that one and it sequel so I bought them, read them both in two days (I also work 50 hours a week) and ran right back to the store and bought every other book they had by you in stock and ordered the other ones. I was finished with them all within a week and a half 😞 That was 8 months ago!!!! I’m dying here, I need more!! You have officially become one of my two most favorite authors in the world! I hate vampire books, HATE them but YOURS where amazing. You are so funny and books are original and Fantastic. I know your busy but I would really love if you could answer my question (with something other than the word soon 😉) thanks so much! Anxiously awaiting your answer and new book, Audrey Leroux

  • 22 Lindamaggie // Jul 23, 2018 at 8:01 pm

    My best pal and I went to your signing for Fluke in Toronto, at Baaka, a tiny SF book store. The turnout was small but intimate, conversation brilliant, and you signed several of my books, including Lust Lizard and Lamb, two of my absolute faves. I re-read then frequently. Love your words! You’re doing a great job, Chris. Thanks from Linda and Richard

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