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The Pirate Tweets _ Or How I Burned My Monday Morning

April 13th, 2009 · 18 Comments · Politics, Uncategorized

The Pirate Tweets – Or How I Burned My Monday Morning

I was watching the news, having my coffee, and suddenly, these started to happen:

# After Somali Pirates vow revenge Ninjas announce super revenge, “But you will never know where it comes from,” said a Ninja spokesman. 3 hours ago from Twidget

# Pirates vow that Ninja revenge will be totally lame. “Running around in black PJs is not badass. Pirate ships are,” says pirate spokesman. 3 hours ago from Twidget

# “We will kill them and fuck their parrots,” says Ninja spokesman of Pirate threat. 3 hours ago from Twidget

# “Shut up,” states pirate spokesman. “Our parrot can kick your wussy ninja ass.” 3 hours ago from Twidget

# “Oh hai. We are in your cupboard, eating your cake mix, pirate scum,” says Ninja press secretary. 3 hours ago from Twidget

# Pirate secretary of plunder draws line in the sand: “There! Our line in the sand! Oh crap, a wave. Okay, here! This is our line!” 3 hours ago from web

# Ninja minister of stealth responds to Pirate line in the sand: “We scoff at you. But it is a silent, invisible scoff.” 3 hours ago from web

# Pirates vow to make people look up Somalia on Google earth: “Shut up, it’s a real place,” says Pirate secretary of Arrrrr. 3 hours ago from web

# “You picked the wrong side, Pirates,” says Ninja press. “We now have a man on the inside. (Nice dog suit, agent Bo.) We will recruit Sasha.” 2 hours ago from web

# Pirates laugh at Ninja threat: “You will never get the Obama girls. They are going to be like 7 feet tall. Who ever heard of a tall ninja?” 2 hours ago from web

# Kenyans announce that they will make captured pirate fight a lion. “It will be so cool,” says Kenyan press secretary. 2 hours ago from web

# “That shit is harsh,” says Pirate spokesman of Kenyan government’s intent to make pirate fight a lion. 2 hours ago from web

# Ninjas Make Offer for Lion Poop with Pirate Chunks in It: “We’ll give you like, a hundred bucks,” says Ninja captain. 2 hours ago from web

# Pirates Apply at Wendy’s: After a bad weekend Pirates decide to get real job. “Long John Silvers wasn’t hiring,” says Pirate loser. 2 hours ago from web

# Polar Bears At Berlin Zoo Release Statement: “Could you put some hot sauce on the next chick you throw in?” 2 hours ago from web

# Pirates Blame Recent Setbacks on Keira Knightly Having the Body of a 12 Year Old Boy. Spokesman: Proper piratin’ requires junk in the trunk. 2 hours ago from web

# Ninjas repond to Knightly slight: “We’ll take Keira good long time. Pirates have 12 year old boys for that. Oh snap!” 2 hours ago from web

# Knightly responds to Ninja Proposal: “I’m aligned neither with pirates nor ninjas, I am a thespian.” Lesbians hopes soar. 2 hours ago from web

# Polar Bears at Berlin Zoo Respond to Knightly Statement: “Put some hot sauce on her skinny ass, we’ll take her.” 2 hours ago from web

# Ninjas Respond to Polar Bear Offer to Keira Knightly: “As if. You guys are so white it’s not even funny.” 2 hours ago from web

# Keira Knightly Reverses Position: “After consideration, I’ve decided to go with pirates. They have the best hats, and I loves me some hats.” 2 hours ago from web

# Polar Bears Respond to Knightly’s Pirate Postion: “You can have hats with us. Do you have a hat with bacon bits on it?” 1 hour ago from web

# Knightly Responds to Polar Bears: “I have never, and shall never, wear a hat made of pork products,” said the 9 year old British man child. 1 hour ago from web

# Ninjas Revising Press Strategy: “Turns out that being invisible hurts our PR. We are drawing a plan with help of a polar bear consultant. 1 hour ago from web

# Polar Bears Release Enigmatic Statement: “Mmmmm, Ninjas. Nom nom nom. Do you have any hot sauce?” 1 hour ago from web

# Somali Pirates Vow to Learn How to Swim: “It might help. You never know,” said a representative. 1 hour ago from web

# Berlin Polar Bears Offer Swimming Lessons to Somali Pirates, “No, really. Come on over. We’ll teach you. We’re great swimmers.” 1 hour ago from web

# Polar Bears Make Plea to World: “Who do we have to blow to get some friggin’ hot sauce over here?” Said a furry spokesman. 1 hour ago from web

# Keira Knightly Pwns Pirates: In a surprise move, Knightly beat the shit out of six Somali Pirates for touching her hat. 1 hour ago from web

# “Well that’s embarassing,” says Somali pirate, after being beaten by Keira Knightly, who also plays an insurance selling gecko. 1 hour ago from web

# Knightly Joins Ninjas: “I’m so tired of wearing the bloody gecko suit. They promised me a cute dog suit like the the White House ninja has.” 1 hour ago from web

# Pirates Mourn Loss of Knightly: Somali Pirates lament the loss of reptilian insurance pimp to Ninja camp. Pirates: “Its been a rough week.” 1 hour ago from web

# “Ninjas Rule,” taunted Ninjas after recruiting waifish pitch-lizard, Keira Knightly. Pirates, in Berlin, could not be reached for comment. 1 hour ago from web

# Jane Austin Book Club Stages Intervention after theater urchin Keira Knightly is caught sneaking into White House in a dog suit. 33 minutes ago from web

# Knightly In Rehab: “They have me on Thorazine and bread and water,” said the stunning transvestite. “Bread is really tasty. Who knew?” 24 minutes ago from web

# PIRATES MOUNT DARING RAID to free Keira Knightly from rehab. All thirty were killed, six by Amy Winehouse, who snorted the leader. 21 minutes ago from web

# Secret Service Foils Plot: Agents caught German Polar bears outside White House spray painting companion black and teaching him how to bark. 14 minutes ago from web

# TheAuthorGuyBest-selling author returns to work after wasting morning. Polar bears, Pirates, Keira Knightly, and Ninjas mourn. “He will be missed.” 10 minutes ago from we

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18 Comments so far ↓

  • daisyfae

    lifetime movie via twitter. holee crap. think you could get the recently re-waifified Valerie Bertinelli to star as a Somali pirate?

  • Sky

    my gosh chris.
    don’t you love “Psycho Wasteful Monday Mornings?”
    SIKE
    they must die.

    ps: I taked to the ninjas, when Knightly was in her dog suit they mastakened her for an actual dog… Would you like some faux dog british man on a stick?

  • Samantha

    everyone knows pirates are way better than ninjas.

  • IdiotCroissant

    Made my morning! Wiping coffee I spit off my computer screen!

  • travist

    hysterical!! i want a Pirates book by you, like gideon dafoe but better…

  • piratebear?

    Oh, bread’s only tasty while thinking of Aladdin. How the eff did the animators manage to make bread look so freaking irresistible?

  • Heather

    I know this isn’t news but…you’re just all kindsa broken, aren’t ya?

    That, Author Guy, is why we love you.

  • SprayPaintedPolarbear

    Are these bears in any way related to the ones in “Bears on a Train”?

  • Karla Henderson

    # TheAuthorGuyBest-selling author reassures the ninjas, pirates, and Knightly not to worry, as they can have guet appearnaces in his next book.

  • Rick

    Funny, I felt as though I’d burned my morning waiting for your next tweet – it was a good thing.

  • albertriehle

    you may have wasted your morning, but you made a lot of people’s day with this…reading it again now, i just can’t stop laughing!

  • Stefan Jones

    There’s actually a corporate retreat motivational activity package called “Polar Bear Pirates.”

    I bet adding ninjas would make it even better.

  • Aditya

    This is so beautiful I could cry tears of awestruckness.

  • Zach

    Pirates, ninjas, bears, thesbians, it really doesnt matter who wins. At the end of the day Zombies prevail over all of them. Just ask the members of the mineapolis pirate pub crawl, the zombies beat them every year.

  • Theresa

    Great blog site. By the way, I just finished reading ” A Dirty Job”. You’re insane, but in a great way. I laughed throughout the entire book. I’m reading “Lamb” next. Can’t wait!

  • Amanda Dubs

    These tweets make me laugh so hard when I read them. Why do they have so many weird words for the things you do on that site? I just can’t take it seriously when you take a picture of yourself with the “twitpic”.

  • Catherine

    I should like to know Chris’ thoughts on Muppets and does he believe that one day they will rule the world over ninja’s pirates and the offspring of Kira Knightly. Fool is hysterical by the by. Cheers

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