Christopher Moore's Blog

So I watched Alien vs. Predator last night, and I give it four big claws up. As with the last movie from video game I watched, Resident Evil Apocalypse, it totally rocked. Massive violence, cool alien stuff, cool Predator gadgets, plucky and resourceful girl hero. And as Joe Bob used to say, “No plot to get in the way of the story.”

But there’s got to be a political metaphor there somewhere. Are the aliens the Democrats, the Predators the Republicans, and the humans the hapless voters? Hmmm.

(Spoilers abound below.)

After all, I think the Aliens just want to kill people to eat them and use them for incubators for their young. They will kill and eat and cocoon anyone. Everyone is equal. They will slime you and punch a hole in your scull with that little mini-mouth, but presumably they will come back and eat you later, so you’re not wasted. I can’t remember if they ever say in any of the movies that they eat us, but I believe that at some point in one of the movies Sigourney says, “They’re coming where the meat is,” so I’m assuming. So basically, they are just about taking care of their people.

(I’m really surprised, however, that someone hasn’t tried to use an antihistimine on them. I mean, there is snot dripping off those guys twenty-four seven. You’d have to eat like a kid and half a day just to keep up your mucus production. I’m just saying, next time a mad doctor or secret android guy captures one of the aliens, they should slip him a Benedryl and see if he just dries up. Or, who knows, cheers up.)

So, you have the aliens who are not concerned in the least with the cost of things, they are just interested in the well-being of the hive.

Then you have the Predators. To them, you’re really irrelevant unless you’re violent, or appear to be violent, or you can help them out. They might save your spinal cord and your scull for a trophy, but they really don’t care what happens to you as long as they can justify killing you with a cool and expensive gadget. Pretty much the Republican platform, right there.

The Predators are so rich, and so bored, that they exercise dominance over whole populations, just so they can entertain themselves with their favorite sport, which is killing stuff. Now, here the metaphor breaks down a little, because the priorities are switched. Republicans only kill populations so they can participate in their favorite sport, which is making huge amounts of money, so they can buy cool gadgets to kill stuff with. Predators don’t seem to care about money.

So, here’s the really hopeful message of Alien vs. Predator. At some point, the humans have to choose a side, and the way they do this is ….wait for it…. by giving a weapon to the Predator! And who gives it to them, but an African American woman, who then joins ranks with the Predator to battle the evil Alien queen. Oh my god, that’s not mucus the aliens are dripping, that’s irony.

(And here’s the big spoiler, but the real truth to it all…)

After the human chick helps them defeat the aliens, the Predators hand her a spear, get into five — count ’em –five ginormous spaceships, and leave her stranded in the middle of Antartica without a coat.

As they fly off, with a tear in her eye, she says, “But you said you would leave no child behind.”

She didn’t really say that, I’m just fuckin’ with you.

I have to go take a Benedryl. I’m feeling mucussy.