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An Open Letter to President Bush

February 19th, 2006 · 1 Comment

Dear President Bush:

In the past I have been a harsh critic of your administration and your supporters, for pretty-much every move you have made. Of your many lame-brained moves, the one I have criticized most, is the prosecution of the war in Iraq. I’ve always been against it, I remain against it, and not only do I think that your administration manipulated Congress and the American people into giving you the authority to go to war, I think your people have pretty-much screwed it up from the get go, and continue to do so. But that said, I have to give you big props for one thing: You do not shrink from the proposition of bombing the shit out of people in other countries. I figure if there’s brush to be cleared or some brown people to be bombed, you are the man to call. Therefore, with one of your stronger skill sets in mind, and in the spirit of bi-partisanship, please let me point out these recent events, pasted meticulously out of an Associated Press article:

Mobs of Muslim protesters swarm through Maiduguri, the capital of Borno State in northeastern Nigeria, with machetes, sticks and iron rods, The A.P. said. One group threw a tire around a man, poured gas on him and set him ablaze.

In Nigeria, Muslims protesting the cartoons attacked Christians and burned churches on Saturday, killing at least 15 people in the deadliest confrontation yet in the whirlwind of Muslim anger over the drawings, The Associated Press reported.

Chima Ezeoke, a Christian Maiduguri resident, said protesters attacked and looted shops owned by minority Christians, most of them with origins in the country’s south. Witnesses said three children and a priest were among those killed.

In Libya, the riots also claimed a political casualty. Libya’s interior minister was suspended for "an excessive use of force" against the protesters there, The Associated Press reported. At least 11 people were killed in violence there on Friday.

In India, a politician in the nation’s largest state has offered an $11 million reward for the killing of any of the Danish cartoonists "who dared to make the caricature of the Prophet," according to Indian news media reports published Saturday. The state government official, Haji Yaqoob Quereshi, made the announcement at a rally in the north Indian town of Meerut after Friday Prayer.

(Okay, clearly clearing brush is not where I’m going with this, in case you were getting confused.)

Mr. President, I must confess here, for clarity, that I am a Buddhist. (Although I wrote a book about Jesus, which is taught in theology courses in several liberal universities, so — you know — I get you.) When the Taliban destroyed 2000 year old statues of the Buddha in Afghanistan, did I riot in the street? Did I set people on fire or beat Mullahs and kids to death? Nope. Because I’m a Buddhist, and we are all about tolerance. But I am also a humorist, and it is as a humorist, that I must now come forward and appeal to you to do what you do best: bomb the fuck out of these sons-a-bitches. You need to bomb them and keep bombing them until they get some perspective on their religion and develop a sense of humor.

You need to violate sovereign nations and drop precision-guided munitions in the squares and streets where this stuff is being done. You need to send Rangers and Special forces, Black Ops, stealth bombers, Navy Seals, smart bombs, bunker busters, Easter Seals, and if he’s still available, Chuck Norris and a Total Gym; you need to send dolphins with laser helmets, bomb-sniffing dogs, and bio-engineered, Southern Baptist killer robots (I know you have them, you just can’t reveal it because it’s not to your political advantage to do so). You need to send them into Nigeria and Libya and India and Pakistan and even England, and the first person who raises his hand to hurt someone over a cartoon, needs to have his light put out with extreme prejudice. You need to murder tens of thousands, maybe hundreds of thousands, as many as it takes until these people realize that they are behaving like a bunch of dysfunctional douche-nozzles (which is bad). You need to set an example, Mr. President. You need to show what violent power driven by complete ignorance can really achieve. I’m counting on you. It’s not just what you do, it’s what you’re good at.

You must remember, Mr. President, that your God was stupid and vengeful at one point, too. It’s a stage they go through. ( Like being 13. They think they know everything and they won’t listen to anyone.) That’s why He had to revise his book to focus on forgiveness, rather than vengeance and destruction.

You know, do say something first. Because if everyone goes home, shrugs and realizes that the rest of the world doesn’t necessarily believe the way they do, and that that’s okay, as long as no one gets hurt, well then, never-mind, game over, forget I said anything — throw a Frisbee for the bomb-sniffing dogs, put the killer robots and the laser dolphins back in the garage, (try to keep the original wrappers intact so you’ll get more for them on E-bay) because everyone will have come to his senses — everyone will remember that we are all bound together by our humanity, and that at the heart of that humanity is human frailty, for which we must all forgive each other.

But, barring that realization, you need to get your Jesus on and bomb the fuck out of them.

Thank you for your time.

God Bless America.

Sincerely, Your Royal Subject, Christopher Moore COMMENTS:

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1 response so far ↓

  • 1 Billyjoe Jimbob // Dec 31, 2008 at 10:48 am

    Uh…you forgot to remind him to send out the bats with firebombs strapped to their bodies…you DO know about the bats, don’t you?

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