Christopher Moore's Blog

Spotting the Beta Male

There are no distinct physical features identifying the Beta Male — they tend to come in all shapes and sizes, although usually smaller at birth than in adulthood. There is, however, a dominant ear-hair gene associated with the Beta Male, that will out them. All human males will develop some ear hair in life — with Beta Males it often appears in great tufts at puberty, and is believed to have evolved to help facilitate early comb-over strategies. Most Beta males will disguise this feature by shaving or depilatory until after they are married, and often a beta male who is passing can be spotted by small gobs of shaving cream in his aural openings.

In the gym you will usually find the Beta Male fussing with his Ipod headphones rather than actually doing any exercise, and offering a “spot” to Alpha Males on the bench press. The strategy here is two-fold. First, the Beta, who has often come “commando” to the gym, gets to stand astraddle the alpha, who, while pressing up the weight of a small bus, must stare up at the sweating scrotum of the Beta, who thus achieves a passive-aggressive dominance over the Alpha, if not inducing full-on nausea; and second, when the Beta encourages the Apha to do “just one more rep”, to the point of exhaustion, he is assured that he, in no way, can actually lift the weight off off the Alpha at failure, thus causing death or injury to the dominant male. An accomplished Beta male can incapacitate two or three Alphas a day in this manner, and keep his heart-rate in the aerobic target area just from the shouting and running away.

Spotting the Beta in traffic is easy. He’s the one in front of you, in your lane, going just enough over the speed limit to not allow you to righteously flip him off or call him an ass-bag, but not quite fast enough to actually get you where you’re going on time. The Beta style of driving, or the RID method (Righteous Indignation Deprivation) is a major cause of road rage, freeway shootings, and alcohol consumption among other drivers. The good news is that when you finally snap and crash into a Beta’s two-year old Camry, his records will be handy and his insurance will be current (the Beta’s notorious fear of irony keeps him on top of his insurance premiums regardless of his financial state.)

Basically, Beta Males are everywhere. Although no one has actually done a survey, it’s safe to say that nearly seven our of ten men (and two of out ten women), are beta Males. As stated above, most Betas are not even aware of their status, and certainly wouldn’t admit it if they were. Here’s a good rule of thumb, though, if you are male reading this article, and are not simultaneously getting laid, then there’s a good chance that you fall in the Beta category. Other good indicators are that you carry your sex junk on the outside, or you have at one time or another, left the toilet seat up after doing your business. If you find yourself denying that you could be a Beta, well, denial is the butter on the Beta bread, so to speak. Although your reactions after denial will be shame, self-loathing, and a need to ask your wife or girlfriend to confirm your denial, it’s best to resist giving into any of these urges. Better to sit back, proud but not smug, watch the action, and calmly wait for the world to turn your way – the Way of the Beta.

Side Bar ARE YOU A BETA MALE? — A QUIZ Check any statement below that is true:

I: q Wear my naughty-bits on the outside. q Drive just a couple of miles per hour over the speed limit. q Surreptitiously feel sad when a hot actress marries. q Have initiated a cover-up? q Find it hard to think in the presence of bosoms. q Pay my insurance premiums on time, no matter what. q Shave my ears regularly. q Have left the toilet seat up? q Have apologized after sex? q Have apologized after sex with a partner? q Own a Corvette, a Monster Truck, or a Penis Pump q Think women should receive equal pay for equal work. q Feel guilty about not working as hard as most women.

If you checked any two above, then congratulations – and for god’s sake, hide this article before your wife or girlfriend sees it.