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Miscellany from the Author Guy

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Ask Mr. Yogi Fix-it Guy

September 5th, 2007 · No Comments

Nepal Airlines performs goat sacrifice 4 Sep 2007, 2153 hrs IST,REUTERS KATHMANDU: Officials at Nepal’s state-run airline have sacrificed two goats to appease Akash Bhairab, the Hindu sky god, following technical problems with one of its Boeing 757 aircraft, the carrier said on Tuesday.

Nepal Airlines, which has two Boeing aircraft, has had to suspend some services in recent weeks due the problem. The goats were sacrificed in front of the troublesome aircraft on Sunday at Nepal’s only international airport in Kathmandu in accordance with Hindu traditions, an official said.

"The snag in the plane has now been fixed and the aircraft has resumed its flights," said Raju KC, a senior airline official, without explaining what the problem had been. Local media last week blamed the company’s woes on an electrical fault. The carrier runs international flights to five cities in Asia. It is common in Nepal to sacrifice animals like goats and buffaloes to appease different Hindu deities.


Ganesh from Bangalor writes:

Dear Mr. Yogi Fix-it Guy: I am having a horrible time trying to get my new Ipod to update with Itunes on my Windows Vista Machine. Please, after twenty hours of answering tech support questions, I need my jams to mellow out.

Dear Ganesh:

First you must make sure that you have downloaded the latest Itunes update. Then you should sacrifice two gerbils to Makesha, the nine-armed diety of hard drive media players and Madras cotton. The preferred mode of sacrifice is to mash their little heads in with a bricked Tivo while chanting verse 30-38 of the Upanishads.

Irv from Plano, Texas writes:

My 2004 Ford F-250 dually seems to have some sort of power fade around 3000 RPMs. I use it to tow my Case 450 backhoe, which I make my living with digging septic tanks. Jobs are backing up and so is the sewage of my clients. Can you help? Irv:

It is obvious that the proximity to poop pits have congested the injector chakra of your Ford. There is a chance that in a previous life your truck was a sump pump or a Neo Con, and therefore has karmic trauma from exposure to bullshit. First, fill the radiator with sacred water from the Ganges, then, at sunrise, try cutting the throats of three chickens, and spray the remains with WD-40 to make amends to Pookasha, demon of drain clogs and the deeply deluded.

Amad from Bhoti writes:

Dear Yogi Fix-it Guy:

My elephant has had nasal congestion for over two weeks and it seems to be getting worse. First thing this the morning he had a sneezing fit and nearly drown the dog in mucus. Now he’s all stopped up again and his eyes are watering. Venerated master, what do I do about all that junk up in his trunk?

Dear Amad:

What do I look like, a vet? Get yourself a vaporizer, fill that bitch with Vaporub and water, and fire her up. If that doesn’t work, have your wife assume the position of down-facing dog, you should assume the position of whooping crane holding an axe handle behind her, then lather, rinse, repeat while chanting “oh baby, oh baby, oh baby” until your problem is solved.

Amad from Bhoti writes again”

Dear Yogi Fix-it Guy:

Your method worked. My elephant is fine. Seems he was allergic to peanuts. Who knew? Anyway, my new problem is that my wife won’t bark like a down-facing dog now that the elephant is better. What do I do?

Dear Amad:

You obviously have a lack of clarity in your crown chakra. Give the elephant a PBJ, you doofus.

Mr. Yogi Fix-it guy is an expert in karmic repair and spiritual ascendancy. Don’t try this at home.


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