Christopher Moore's Blog

Chapter 7 – Prom Night and the Delicious Badonk of Death
Fujikasan totally busted me today for skipping invisibility class today. Thing is, I had been skipping all semester, but Fujikasan just thought I was really good. I was going to get an A, but Saki didn’t show up today to say my name at roll call. What a tool. He scratched himself while poisoning his shuriken stars in Kitchen Arts class and was all paralyzed and foaming at the mouth and stuff all afternoon. I may appear out of nowhere in his dorm room and give him the Praying Mantis Melvin of Suffering Wedginess if he lives. That or put his hand in warm water when he’s sleeping and make him pee the futon.
So, I’m going to ask Mariko to the prom. I know a lot of guys say she’s a skank, but it turns out that the rumor of her taking on the whole basketball team last year was totally bogus. It turns out that she did take them on, but she didn’t bone them, she killed them. Most of the varsity she used the viper sword and silent slaying method, but she took out the whole JV team with just nunchucks and a Motorala Razr. She’s so hawt! I just hope she doesn’t kill me with her corsage pin, which is what happened to the guy who took her to homecoming. When she says duck, she means it. I guess he thought she was ordering.
The dance is on the east wall of Toyota castle. There won’t be any music, as we are doing the whole thing under the noses of the guards, but Mariko has the most amazing booty when she’s hanging from a grappling hook, and there’s even a sliver of a moon we might have eye contact, or, maybe, you know, some Humping Tiger, Moaning Dragon, if you know what I mean. It’s formal, so I guess we’ll all be in black again. At midnight all the seniors are going to slip into the castle and kill the Emperor and his court, then there’s supposed to be a totally fly after party in the basement of the dojo, and Yashica is going to throw a whole handful of X into the punch.
Speaking of Yashica, it looks like he’s going to have to repeat senior year. I told him not to eat a bean burrito the night before stealth class. It’s not enough to be silent and invisible, they can’t smell you coming, either. Better than what happened to Toshiba, though. How many times did I tell him, just because they call it the “death of a thousand knives” doesn’t mean it’s going to be exactly a thousand. Keep jumping, even if you think you counted a thousand. Master Sushi transferred him to the killer robot program and they’re going to fit him with rocket feet or something so he’s not totally useless, but it’s not the same as being a real ninja.
I’m totally stoked to graduate and go out into the real world. My dad already got me a summer internship at a big law firm where I guess I’ll be in the mail room. Mostly just sorting and poisoning witnesses, but it will look good on the resume. We’re not allowed to throw our hats at graduation this year. Three or four parents got decapitated by last year’s class and ruined it for everyone. I just hate the part where you have to snatch your diploma from the dean’s open hand before he can close it. I just can’t do it. He’s too fast. I’ve decided the only way I’m actually going to be able to graduate is if I take his hand along with the diploma, and I totally rock with a short sword, so I hope Master Suzuki doesn’t mind when they transfer him to Pirate school next year because of his shiny new hook.
My biggest worry is that I have to sit next to Dave. He just doesn’t seem like one of the group. I don’t mean to sound racist, but, he’s like totally Western. He sucks at everything. In invisibility class he can’t even get translucent, and twice last week he dropped a smoke bomb in the men’s room when he was trying to get his unit out of his pants. Next thing you know, we’re all clinging to the ceiling, looking only like shadows out of the corner of your eye, just like we were trained, except that we’re weeing all over ourselves. I think he might be like a spy or something for the fucking pirates. And that’s only the beginning of the mystery, today in the hall…
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