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The Twilight Tweets

May 24th, 2009 · 13 Comments · Uncategorized

From time to time I’ll post groups of tweets on the regular blog for those of you who like to live your lives in more than 140 characters. Here’s the Twilight Tweets…

So, in order to be wildly irritating to people in the Eastern Time Zones, I started live-blogging Twilight on Twitter as I watched it on PPV the other night (at about 11pm Pacific) I know everyone else either read the books years ago or saw the movie last year, but I’ve been busy and I’m not a fourteen year old girl, so it didn’t have top priority for me. Still…

Watching Twilight on PPV. If I take my own life before the 2nd act does it count as a teen suicide?

Twilight: They really seem to nauseate each other. Is that a thing with the kids?

Twilight: Just met the Dr. SON of the JOKER!

Twilight: My next vamp book EVERYONE is going to have lip gloss on at all times.

Twilight: Ahhhhhhhhhh! What’s all the angst? I have super human powers, so I think I’ll, oh, go to high school. ‘Splain please?

Twilight: Ah, I get it. Indians and vampires are natural enemies. Like pirates and ninjas.

Twilight: OMF zombie jebus on a pogo-stick. I just got to the shiny part. They need to put them on Xmas trees.

Twilight: Edward’s all: I want to kill you. In the BuTT!

Twilight: After an eternity of killing, he’s totally going for second base!

Twilight: Bella: I’m sure of three things. Edward is a vampire. I love him. I have no personality.

Twilight: I love Jasper. Total Scissorhands energy! I thought he was going to hurl on Bella.

Twilight: Edward rocks at tree climbing! He could totally live off of squirrel blood. “It tastes of nuts.”

Twilight: Bella’s going to sacrifice her life at her old dance studio. I’ve been to Phoenix, I always feel that way there.

Twilight: OMG, it’s werewolf/vampire air circus. Crouching Emo, Leaping Indy

Twilight: On noez, Edward has to suck the venom out. That line NEVER works for me. “No, you have to or I’ll change to werewolf!” Nope.

Twilight: Edward is giving her the “it’s not you, it’s me,” speech. So much for super powers

So that took about an hour and forty minutes I’ll never get back…

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13 Comments so far ↓

  • Jennifer

    Pretty much sums up everything I thought while watching too. Your books were much better, but I was left hanging at the end of You Suck.

    And Abby Normal? Totally needs her own diary/book adventure. I had no idea you could channel 17 year old girls.

  • Heather

    Awesome! Now I don’t have to subject myself to the movie…or the books! ThankyouThankyouThankyou! :D

  • Alenka

    The second best review I’ve read about that movie. (Sorry, but TF’s Abridged script was just too good!)

  • Vahlee

    Next time, watch it with the rifftrax – so much better that way, I promise.

  • Evan

    Thank GOD you had a chance to comment. Every time some idiot trys to sell me the merits of this low class, Romeo and Juliet knock off I just tell them to read BLOOD SUCKING and YOU SUCK.

    TWILIGHT makes me want to punch babies.

  • L. Frank

    Excellent commentary! The books are so vapid and the gender roles are right out of the 1950s. Your vampire books are far, far better (and your female character not only has a personality but isn’t obsessed with finding ways to sacrifice herself for her man)! Better writing, better plots, better dialogue, better characters – just plain better!

  • Amanda Dubs

    I have an unhealthy obsession with the books/movies and have for years. But I’ve been an Authorguy fan for longer so you’re allowed to make fun of it.
    And yes, Alenka. Totaly Film’s abridged script is hilarious! Best ever

  • Nicci

    Best rendition of Meyer’s writing:

    “So wait…was she trying to say that Edward was handsome? And that his hands were, like, marble? The most handsomest, cold, marble that belonged to the most handsome of handsome cold, marble-like handsome gods?”

    Wish I could take credit for it, but I saw it somewhere in the comments of an article about Twilight.

  • Richie

    I knew you would come over to my side some day, Chris.

    So, in You Bite, are Tommy and Judy going to sparkle? Please make them sparkle.

  • Jaqie

    these comments were the best part of that movie. Thanks for the laugh in an otherwise emo saturated world.

  • Dave

    I just started listening to Fool from audible.com and now I understand why you are blogging tweets.. You’re promoting the Fool book, right? LOL
    Only a Fool would pay to watch Twilight LOL

  • Bailey

    Reading this and watching the Twilight/Buffy mashup (I’m sure you can imagine) all in one day was almost too much awesome for me to handle. I need to go laugh at some more Twilight fans now and then pretend I have some semblance of a life/maturity.

  • Sophie

    Twilight: Only book I ever burned.

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