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The Time Travel Tweets

May 25th, 2009 · 12 Comments

The Time Travel Tweets
I’ve been time traveling lately. Here’s the Tweets I sent back:

Time Travel Tweets

My Time Machine Finally Finished. I’m off to warn them about the bomb. If there’s a city where Chicago used to be, it worked!

Time Machine Working Great. Off to tell my younger self that there’s a reason why that chick at the disco has such big hands.

TimeTravelTweets: Evidently rubbing Hitler’s toothbrush on my butt had no effect on the war. Wait, I’m not typing German. Cool.

Hate that you have to time travel in the nude. In case anyone asks, yes, Neanderthal man had the ability to point AND laugh.

TimeTravelTweets: Cleopatra? Not that hot. I don’t know what the fuss was about. She smelled like asp.

TimeTravelTweet: I’ve just traveled back and taken lunch money from my third grade self. I totally see the appeal now.

TimeTravelTweets: Talked the Vikings into changing out the wiener dog heads on the front of their ships with dragons. We’ll see.

TimeTravelTweet: Freaked Ben Franklin out with my Iphone. Couldn’t get a signal in 18th century Phlly, though. ATT sux

TimeTravelTweets: Glad the Time Machine can pull a trailer. Off to Galilee with a U-haul full of Loaves and Fishes.

TimeTrvlTweet: So Aaron Burr founded Chase Manhattan Bank? I have some bullshit late fees on my Visa to discuss wit him.

TimeTrvlTweet: Burr pissing me off on Chase late fees. Think I’ve talked Alexander Hamilton into busting a cap in his ass.

TimeTravelTweet: Alexander Hamilton pissed at Rupert Murdoch 4 taking over his NY Post. Going to be crap in the duel. Shouldna said anythng.

TimeTrvlTweet: Oops, Burr better shot than Hamilton. Bright note, Dolly Madison can get her freak on!

TimeTrvlTweet: Guess what Attila’s wife calls him? No, “monkey butt”. I guessed wrong, too.

TimeTrvlTweet: Need rope to tow a brontosaurus back from past? Neighbor let’s his dog crap in my yard? “It’s organic THIS, bitch!

TimeTravel:Future Madonna will do you for like five bucks.Thinks adopting population of Zambia was mistake. She’s 90, but still,$5!

Just Time traveled to Ancient Macedonia. Gave a pep talk to a kid named Alexander the Mediocre. Hope that worked out.

TimeTrvlTweet: Painted the Red Baron’s plane green last night. He was all, “I’m sure I parked it there.” Great pilot. Kind of a doof.

TimeTravel: Guess who buys Hooter’s in the future? Not saying, but they’re called Lips-n- Tits. Order a Happy Meal + she adopts U.

TimeTravelTweet: Siege of Haroldsburg rocked! I’m totally going to build a trebuchet and try to fling a Smart Car at Oakland.

TimeTravelTwitter:Almost busted by my six year old self. Hid under the bed for three hours. He was freaked out. Oh great,I’m in therapy now.

TimeTrvlTweet:13th Century totally not ready for Ye Olde Breast Exam Clinic. I repeat, I am not a witch.

TimeTravelTwitter: Went back to find that answer that question you asked. Egg.

TimeTrvlTweet: Paul Revere’s riding by, yelling. I’m all, “Been there, done that, got the T-shirt. Old news. Ride on, Holmes.”

TimeTrvlTweet: Turns out that Neanderthals CAN mate with humans. But, you need to get them pretty drunk. Someone told me.

TimeTravelTweets: France is nice in 1850. So I go to Monet, “No, dude, blotches. People love friggin blotches.”

TimeTrvlTweet: Visited Pleistocene. Really thought Homo Erectus would have better decorating sense. Disco balls outta rock?

TimeTrvlTweet:Cro Magnons made me chief. The wheel? Fire? Nope.. Turned out, teaching Cro Magals “reverse cow girl” did the trick

TimeTrvlTweet:In ancient Egypt this morning. I’m all, “No, you gotta build them pointy-side up.” That could have been a problem.

TimeTrvlTweet: Ancient Phonecia has a princess Neutrogina. Had to leave. Kept cracking up. She did have nice skin though.

TimeTrvlTweet: Told G Washington I wouldn’t talk about his wooden teeth if he would talk about splinters in my unit.Old jokes work here.

TimeTrvlTweet: Don’t sweat Sarah Connor Chronicles being cxled. In the future you can get Camron bots in two packs at Costco.

TimeTrvlTweet:Gettysburg, I’m like,”Abe, just say eighty seven years ago. It’s like you wrote this on the train here. Jeeze.”

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12 responses so far ↓

  • 1 Clay // May 26, 2009 at 1:29 pm

    Speaking of time travel, I thought that you and Moore-nation might enjoy this.

    It is a reincarnation bank, so they can keep your stuff while you are cycling to the next life.

  • 2 Agnog // May 26, 2009 at 3:03 pm

    Lawls, awesome.

  • 3 Charlie // May 30, 2009 at 4:40 pm

    Ok, how about haiku tweets?

  • 4 Tobyn // Jun 1, 2009 at 5:52 pm

    I linked this on my blog, I hope you don’t mind. It was just too good not to share. I love the bit about Alexander the Mediocre.

  • 5 DJ // Jun 2, 2009 at 7:28 pm

    Waa hahahahahaha…..gasp.. waahahahahahaaaaa ….gasp….gasp…heeeheeeeheeehhee….gasp….sigh…hahahahaha….stop…stop….can’t take anyM0ore..

  • 6 Zach // Jun 3, 2009 at 7:32 pm

    So not that I want to tell you what to write cuz you are obviously on the ball with plot lines, but have you ever thought about doing a tive travel novel? the part on this blog about the iphone reminded me of a convo I had with a friend about where we would want to go if we could travel back in time. I said somewhere around revolutionary war times and try to explain a cell phone to someone. Hilarity would yeah, think it over man.

  • 7 Zach // Jun 3, 2009 at 7:32 pm

    Time travel* I suck, sorry.

  • 8 The Time Travel Tweets « Joanna’s Ramblings // Jun 4, 2009 at 5:11 pm

    […] The Time Travel Tweets. […]

  • 9 Sandi Billingsley // Jul 6, 2009 at 4:34 pm

    Joshua is a time traveler & death is a time traveler. Speaking of which , Fisher Stevens was the best choice you or your publishers could have made as the narrator of Lamb & A Dirty Job. You are so freaken funny & he really brings your humor to life. Im looking forward to more of your novels!

  • 10 Marjorie // Jul 11, 2009 at 7:47 am

    Oh, why have I only just found this blog? Where have you been all my life?

  • 11 Samantha // Jul 27, 2009 at 11:52 am

    author guy,

    where have you gone? my life is imcomplete without being able to read your quirky tweets! hopefully you’re writing (yet another) great piece of literature for our amusement!

  • 12 Patricia // Aug 10, 2009 at 7:35 am

    Duh . . . he’s time travelling.

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