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The Author Guy Improves Art and Architecture in Paris

September 23rd, 2009 · 9 Comments · Uncategorized

You can’t throw a stick in Paris without hitting a Gothic Cathedral (which, by the way, they are totally touchy about, so if you can control yourself, don’t throw a stick while in Paris), and at each cathedral, there is an array of gargoyles, which were, back in the day, used to direct rainwater away from the stone walls.

This is how they are done. They just sit there, doing nothing, now that most cathedrals have been equipped with gutters and downspouts.

In my new, improved version, gargoyles will remain concealed in the wall of the church until someone walks by, then, spring-loaded, they will pop out of the wall and say something to freak people out, as the Church has always intended.

Which brings me to lion sculpture. Pretty much any library, park, or museum is supposed to have a lion sculpture in front of it. This is basically to keep cat people from freaking out because they’ve actually left the house. Here’s your basic, non-threatening lion sculpture.

Well, then they decided to improve the lions by adding elements to make them seem more important.

First they added children, because that just seemed like a good idea for some reason.

Then someone thought, “Know what would look good on that lion? Wings? Breasts? What? Yes, breasts…

Well, first, neither is a really good idea, but there are numerous reasons why wings are a bad idea, in addition to the chance of being hit by a bloody wildebeest haunch on the day you decide to wear your white linen suit out to the park.

Another bad side effect…

But we could ride them? Because lions love it when you sit on them!

But, as if wings on lions weren’t a bad enough idea, someone came up with this:

Then you have this kind of thing happening…

Not an improvement, that’s all I’m saying.
Next time, “Where they keep their dead guys and the worlds slowest cat toy.”

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9 Comments so far ↓

  • Marjorie

    I have tea in my nose now and it’s All Your Fault.

  • lisa

    I want to be there with you badly…just to laugh along side you with your silliness!!!

  • MP Guinan

    Now I know what to do with my great collection of gargoyle pics. I promise to give you all the credit ;D

  • Denise

    My sides hurt. It’s all your fault.

  • K'Hovak

    We’re trying that spring-loaded gargoyle thing here in the office. The thought being, that adrenalin will lead to improved widgit-counts.

    And if the the spontaneous-protuding gargoyle induces a heart attack, instant (and permanent) retirement. Anyting to reduce the pay-out associated with retirement benefits.

    And if it induces a stroke, instead, it increases our idgit-count.

    So do gargoyles have “boobs” or is that redundant?

  • JenT

    You have made me laugh and I am yours forever!!

  • littleREDelf

    Your posts always send me on art & literature recon missions . . . (get thee to Google!)

    Turns out “lion and boobs and wings” (oh my!) plus occasional female heads are just some variation on the Greek Sphinx theme. So right there with Gargoyles as guardians of temples, tombs & dangerous parks at nite.

    This is zoomorphism, “animal-style” at its finest, really. The sphinx (from where we derive “sphincter” – nice) is “represented as a monster with a head and breasts of a woman, the body of a lion, the wings of an eagle, and a serpent headed tail.”

    From what i’ve read, the tarted up “French Sphinx” is a 16th century Mannerist revival. She started appearing around 1520, then spread throughout Europe and ended up as palace garden decor in Spain. They just sexed her up a bit and added pearl drop earrings, cloaks and coiffed dos to make the unsuspecting get close enough to be eaten.

  • Patience Becquet

    Once again you have outdone yourself! Brilliant!! So funny, I can’t stop laughing~

  • Mark Kraft

    Soudaincment, tout le monde etait ecrass par un camion.

    -finis-

    (from http://workableweb.com/_pages/tips_how_to_write_good.htm , but I noticed it, and it seemed appropriate to add here, in retrospect.)

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