That’s right, another installment of ASK THE AUTHOR GUY.
Gretchen asks 2: If you were going to be at a dinner party with other (living)
authors, who would you hope the other guests would be?
C: Hmmm. Living? Tom Robbins, Kurt Vonnegut, Nick
Hornby, Terry Pratchett, Dave Barry, Stephen Frye, Hugh
Laurie, Billy Collins, Calvin Trillan, and Bill Bryson. And only
under the condition that I don’t have to say anything.
If, during the dinner, something was served that you
absolutely refused to even contemplate eating, even if it
would be the height of rudeness, what would that item be?
Kim asks: Would you remember some fans from a Monterey promo for
“Fluke,” about three years ago? Two sixteen-year-old girls,
my friend with waist-length green hair?
C: Yes. I always remember the green haired people. Three years ago? That
would men that you’re 19 now, right? Tell me, Kim, do you like Gladiator
Can I be as funny a writer as you are when I grow up? Or
could you just keep writing until I’m old and senile?
C:Yes. I hope. For both our sakes.
Are there any questions you are completely tired of
C: Yes. “Where do you get your ideas?”
I8Tokyo asks three questions:
What happens to the socks that always disappear in the
C: They end up on the single shoes on the side of the road.
No one knows how.
Will the Monkees ever get back together? How about KC
and the Sunshine Band?
C: KC and the Sunshine Band are touring as we speak.
Really. The Monkees, however, will not get back together.
Is Jim Morrison really dead.
Ted J asks:
Is there anything with any redeeming value on tv these
C: No. But that doesn’t mean that there aren’t things that are
I’ve now read five of your books, loving them for different
reasons. I do have my favorite but I was wondering …do
I know artists talk about their favorite is the one they are
working on now. Or that each work is like a child, blah blah
blah no favorite, each one is special yada yada yada.
C: I think Lamb is my best book, because it was the most
ambitious and I was able to pull it off, so I suppose that’s my
favorite. Bloodsucking Fiends was the most fun to write, but
that’s a totally different set of standards.
Regina asks: Hey AG- What, if anything, do you miss about working in
commercial radio? Conversely, what are you happy to have
C: I liked the spontaneity of making up material on the fly. I
liked the energy in the studio and I liked being exposed to all
the new music. I didn’t like the crazy people and the lame
attempts at producing lame programing. I was very fortunate
to be able to run my own show, without programming
perameters, so I was a little spoiled. The price for that was
making a little more than minimum wage for air time.
Do you think Quebec should separate from the rest of
Canada? If it does, do you think the rest of Canada would
stay together or splinter off into mini-Canadas?
C: I absolutely think that Quebec should separate from the
rest of Canada. I’m not as sure about all the mini-Canadas.
Once you dump the French speakers, I think the rest of you
guys should stick together, eh?
I believe the Author Guy in his wisdom made a comment
about “some douch-waffle who doesn’t get the message
from God that the reason she can’t conceive is because she
is supposed to keep her tainted genes from peeing in the
pool in the first place”
How would this apply to a Christopher Moore fan? Suppose
one of your followers had fertility issues, would it not be
prudent for the AG to support the procreation of his followers
in the hopes that we will produce little CM fans to go forth
and spread the word?
C: I think it goes without saying, that if someone likes my
work, they are probably okay to breed.
Lib Axes: Do you still play with the neighbor’s paint-spotted chicken or
has Charlie finally took the paint ball gun away?
C: I still have the paint ball gun, and I occasionally still let
loose on the local poultry, but even chickens learn after a
while, so they’ve learned to take alteranative routes around
Pool Party asks:
Why is it that the guys who are high on your cute list don’t
even know you are alive, while the creeps (the 80 year old
postman and the former funeral home director ) have turned into horndogs.
C: Maybe it’s something about you that these guys feel they
may have in common with you. You aren’t dead, are you?
Because that would indicate a common interest among both
of the types you mentioned.
Sgt-Steve asks: How come women come out of the woodworrk when you get
married? Women who previously wouldn’t give me the time
of day (well, on a date) all said “Damn, another good one
taken” when I got engaged. For some reason they don’t
consider you relationship material until you prove it by
marrying somebody else.
C: I have no idea why this happens, but it is so predictable
as to be scary. And it’s not just getting married, this has
gone on back as far as fifth grade. The corollary to this little
formula when it comes to the single guy, is that as soon as
he makes a move for any of the newly interested, they too,
will evaporate. I will defer to the women on the board, who
hopefully will explain.
My friend keeps telling me that I should publish my song
lyrics as a poetry book. Is there a market I can tap into?
What should my first step be after producing a manuscript?
C: Staple it together and find a place to store it.
How can I avoid publishers using it as novelty toilet tissue?
C: Make sure they don’t have access to your secret storage
Is there a light at the end of the tunnel?
C: Yes. Unfortunately, it is an oncoming train.