Christopher Moore's Blog

Having spent a fair amount of time in the last couple of weeks in art museums, I thought it only fair that I share a bit the vast culture which I have absorbed. Last week I was able to view the collection of paintings and sculpture at the Legion of Honor is San Francisco, and through the miracle of digital photography, and a few bribes to security, I’m now able to bring them to you, arranged thematically, not by region or chronology.

Much of the history of art is actually the history of men trying to get a look at some naked babes. Yet no matter what the subject might be, we can observe that the painter allows the agenda of his subject to peek through.

Here we see a portrait of a Dutch noblewoman by Hoopla Van Der Hooven, and the title of the painting gives us a clue as to what the painter was trying to convey.

You Are Not Gettin’ Any — Hooven – 1768

Contrast the dire attitude of Hooven’s painting, with this following series by Sir Joshua Reynolds of Anne Viscountess Townshend of Flautenshire.

I AM SO GOING TO DO YOU – Reynolds 1788 In this first painting we see Anne engaging the artist, who it is obvious she was about to go down on — the custom of the day for ending a coffee date.

Here, in a painting from two years later, we see a more controlled, experienced Anne, conveying her message with both power and thinly-veiled desperation.

CHECK OUT MY TALL, GOT-MY-FREAK-ON HAIR – Reynolds 1790

Here, in a portrait painted twenty minutes later, we see how Reynolds has captured the minutes in between, without actually showing them. (Note the combination of the satisfied smile the obvious sex hair.)

REMEMBERANCE OF A MOMENT MOST SQUISHY – Reynolds 1790

Yet, to think that the art of the period was singularly concerned with the sublimation of sex, or simple gratitude that no one had invented scratch and sniff, witness the portrait below of Joshua Reynolds himself by the English painter Turner
DUDE, I AM SO FUCKING BAKED – Turner 1783

Also on the theme of a hidden agenda, in the portrait of a Belgiun nobleman by Joseph-Siffred Duplessis we see the subject attempting to convey his business acumen by holding a quill, but again, this is not the message we get from the painting.

HOW’S MY PACKAGE LOOK? – Joseph-Siffred Dupliessis 1777

But it is in their portrayal of the children of time that we see the true agenda below the surface of the people of the late 18th century, evinced in this painting by Flemish painter Jan VanLoo.
CREEPY LITTLE KIDS PLANNING A TERRORIST ATTACK– VanLoo – 1792

The well-earned distrust of children continued well into the next century, illustrated in this painting by Renoir from the 1870s.
LITTLE KID HURTING A KITTY — Renoir – 1870

Stay tuned for our next lesson, when we will examine the artistic theme of “Dude, I can totally see her bazooms!”