So, yesterday morning, I had a call to my cell phone from a producer at NPR, who wanted me to appear on Talk of the Nation and talk about what I was really glad to be rid of now that Christmas was over. Because of the time zone differences and so forth, I wasn’t able to respond in time, but I did start thinking of those things. So here’s what I’m glad I don’t have to put up with now that Christmas is over….
1. Funky-ass Christmas tree water. For some reason, the water in our Christmastree stand went south really early. Consequently, after about a week, instead of a pleasant pine scent, our tree smelled like it had been run halfway up the Angel’s poop chute, then pulled out and left to stand. So I’m glad I don’t have to put up with a Christmas tree that smells like ass anymore. (I took that nasty fella to the dump about an hour ago.)
2. Spam telling me that I only have one more week, two more days, three more hours, or six pico-seconds before I lose the chance at free shipping. It’s not as if I fell off the internet turnip truck yesterday. For instance, I ordered all of my “business” Christmas gifts on December 6th. I constantly got updated notices of when they would arrive, with the “whoops, this one won’t make it by December 24th” notices starting last Monday. As of now, they just may get there by January 9th. I know they are lying. I know that unless I spend $36.00 for shipping, my shit aint going to get there on time. Let it go.
3. The War on Christmas – Enough! This is clearly the brainchild of someone who had too much time on his hands. Conservative pundits who pursued this subject to fill time should have instead reassessed the practical applications of an agenda that states it is fundamentally against government while trying to govern, that is against government spending, while spending record amounts of money, is pro-life, while prosecuting wars and executions, and that circumvents laws and the Constitution at every turn, yet wants judges who interpret both strictly and literally.
4. Victoria’s Secret TV ads. Because TV generally blows during the Christmas season, there was nothing on TIVO and we were forced to watch ads. Don’t get me wrong, those are some very attractive young ladies running around telling everyone that their wife/girlfriend/whatever wants sexy underwear for Christmas, BUT, the truth is, that most real woman weigh more than 86 lbs, and although they might look great in Victoria’s Secret, they won’t look like those girls, therefore, there’s an uncomfortable moment while the guy acts like he’s not really watching the Victoria Secret models because suddenly he really needs to see if that is an old pepperoni slice under the coffee table, and the woman says, “Someone needs to give that girl a sandwich.” Bottom line, the only vaguely whorish gift your girlfriend won’t interpret as a comment of dissatisfaction with her is cash. (And don’t get me started on the Girls Gone Wild ads, which were put on TV exclusively to make me feel uncomfortable.) I’m just glad that the Christmas TV season is over and I can get back to fast-forwarding through the commercials so I can watch attractive women poke dead things in peace.
5. Egg Nog – Even when I was a screaming alcoholic I could find a better vehicle for alcohol. Like, for instance, alcohol. As if your poor body isn’t assaulted enough during the holidays by food that’s actually good , suddenly someone is handing you a glass of what is essentially Hollandaise Sauce with a cup of sugar stirred into it. (Or a glass of cholesterol with alcohol AND sugar stirred into it. Mmmmmm.) Yeah, I know a bunch of you are going to write, “Hey, I like to put on slutty underwear and drink whipped salmonella with Karo Syrup every Christmas, that’s just the way I roll.” And that’s great. I happen to like fruitcake, when everyone else sort of views it as the musical chairs of re-gifting. But understand, that when you are drinking Egg Nog you are essentially quaffing a custard that failed. That’s all I’m saying.
6. Santa. Yeah, fuck Santa. His shit is weak.
7. Extreme Christmas lights. Okay, it gets worse every year. This guy spent a million bucks, that guy synchronized his lights to The Nutcracker Suite, these two guys decorated forty-acres and let people drive through for free. Okay, we get it, you really, really like spending days and days on a ladder stringing lights. What I want to know, is what makes you go there? Millions of people don’t have lives either, and they are content with playing marathon sessions of Evercrack or writing in their blogs. What sort of twisted exhibitionist decides that conspicuous consumption of electricity is how he wants to manifest his ego? The FBI should have profilers to figure this shit out, that’s all I’m saying.
8. Reports on how retailers are doing. Don’t care. Really, really don’t care.
But lest you think that I’m all Scroodged out here. Here’s what I’ll miss about the Christmas Season: red and green stuff, turkey, wreaths on the front of trucks, more talking animals on TV, people in the East complaining about the miserable weather, giving presents, cheesy snacks everywhere you go, walking around in nothing but a Santa hat, getting a rat head left outside my office from the kitties on Christmas morning, and all the swell good wishes from the good people who read my books.