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Steaming Hot Cup O Jihad with that Danish?

January 31st, 2006 · No Comments

So, by now you’ve all heard that the Danish newspaper that published cartoons depicting Mohammed cause a Muslim boycott of Danish food products, as well as death threats to the newspaper and the withdrawal of the Saudi and Libyan Ambassadors from Denmark.

Now, it’s politically correct to say that we are not in a clash of cultures, but for those who felt that an entire nation should somehow be penalized because their sense of humor does not line up with certain religious beliefs, going as far as shouting Death to Denmark!, well, I’m sorry, you people are fucked-up. And so is the culture that produced you.

Let me qualify. I’m not saying that Mohammed, or Islam is fucked up, but those of you who are talking about violence or any retaliation for that matter, because of some cartoons, you people are fucked up. You are fucked up by choice, but you are fucked up nonetheless. Of all the things to get your turbans in a bunch about, some cartoons in a Nordic newspaper are not it. If you are going to pay respect to tradition, how about keeping in mind that when the Danish were gnawing on reindeer bones and trying to get the hang of slaughtering Irish Monks, your people were inventing algebra, modern sanitation, and Damascus steel. In other words, you were about five-hundred years out of the dark ages when Europe was still looking for the light switch. So now you want to behave like you just can’t wait to get everyone tied to the stake and start your own inquisition rather than develop a sense of context, or a sense of humor?

I don’t want to go all Anne Coulter on you (because I enjoy sandwiches and sanity too much), but I wrote a book that has a lot of fun with the Christian prophet, and it’s sold hundreds of thousands of copies all over the world, and you know what? Everyone is cool with it. Christians write me every day to tell me how much they enjoyed it because they get the joke. Yet some obscure Danish paper publishes a drawing of Mohammed with a bomb on his head and you guys are ready to go Jihad on them – you threaten to plant bombs, IN THE NAME OF MOHAMMED. Talk about making their point for them. Are you trying to prove that you’re theologically inferior to your Christian counterparts? You feel as if you need to catch up on the atrocities because your prophet showed up five hundred years after theirs? Look, take a tour of our red states – take a good look at the toothless fucktards who claim to be striking out in the name of the Lord. (Intelligent design, my ass. Again, talk about making the point for the other side.) No, save your cab fare, look at George Bush – do you want to equate yourself with the kind of religiously motivated, narrow-minded ignorance that he represents? No?

Well then lighten the fuck up.

At least the majority of the Christians have managed to, and they had a long line of ignorant fuckwits to overcome as well, just like you do now. So to all of the reasonable Muslims who are shaking their heads right now at the idea of answering satire with violence, well good for you. And for those of you of any religion who are shaking your heads at the idea that God gives a good goddamn who you kill in his name, well good for you too. And for those of you who would debase your own faith by acting as if that the creator of the universe can be injured by someone’s taste in humor, well call me smug, but you need to channel your energy toward a little more humility.

And finally, to you cartoon jihadists, calling for death to Denmark and boycotting Danish products – well, that’s your choice, but you’re going to miss out on all that delicious Danish ham with your eggs. *

*Yes I know. And hello? Danish? Where do you think that comes from? Before you think, no big deal, I have a back-up plan “scone” also derives from the Danes. You are going to have to Jihad with no breakfast, because I know you motherfuckers aren’t going to have a bagel with a schmere. And I know you’re not going to have falafel for breakfast, because none of us can eat that tasty treat any more for fear that Bill O’Reilly will show up at our house with a stiffy wrapped in the flag and ask us to take a shower with him. <shudder>. I’m just sayin’. And before you say anything else, I’m Buddhist, so I believe that we are all fucked as one, so just back the fuck off.

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