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My Own Personal AntiChrist

March 17th, 2008 · No Comments

So, today I was checking my e-mail, and I clicked on a flashing AOL article about Barack Obama’s minister being a bit of a loony. The article didn’t say loony, but that was my interpretation. There was no new information, just that Rev. Wright said some stuff that seemed, oh, a little loony, in front of a church full of people. I’m sure that’s never happened before, and I’m sure it will never happen again, but it turned out, this one time, that a preacher said some loony stuff.
But in the comments below the article — and there were about 50 pages of them, all of which I read — there were no fewer than six people who were convinced that Barack Obama was the Antichrist. Zoinks! Obviously, Barack has hit it out of the park with those folks.
Now I, myownself, have been accused of being the Antichrist. Back in the day, when I was a DJ on the Central Coast of California, a minister sent a letter to the FCC complaining that I was the Antichrist. I immediately responded by asking for a raise, because I was only making six bucks an hour, and I’m sure that the Antichrist gets more, or should. Still, there is a chance that that minister may have been a bit of a loony as well.
But now I really feel that Barack and I have something in common. We have both been accused of being the beast. Actually, I have been accused of being the beast twice, but that second time was a girl who was watching me eat ribs, and really, I wasn’t that beastlike, there was just a lot of sauce on those ribs, so shut up.
I only hope that tonight, Michelle does a detailed examination of Barrack, looking for the mark of the beast. Just for safety’s sake. I know I had my girlfriend at the time do just such an examination, and she thought for a minute that she had found the mark of the beast, but it turned out that it was just the spot on my calf where Bret Mairs stabbed me with a pencil in 10th grade and the lead was still in there. So, not really the mark of the beast — more the mark of that prick, Bret Mairs, for which there is no prophesy.
Anyway, even if she doesn’t find the mark of the beast, because, let’s face it, it could be in Roman numerals (because the prophesy did come from a guy in a Roman prison) I thought I’d consult the Book of Revelation for some other telltale signs that Barack is the beast.
First, there has to be a book with Seven Seals, and this book can only be opened by the Lion of Judah. (Rastafarians believe that Hallie Salassie, the long-dead king of Ethiopia is the Lion of Judah, but it’s a fairly good bet that they are high, so that is totally not one of the signs of the beast). So then the Lion of Judah turns into a lamb with seven eyes and seven horns and opens the seals.
Quickly, let’s go through the seals — what happens when you open them:
1)out comes a white horse, guy with a bow and a crown
2) out comes a red horse, guy who can take peace from the Earth
3) out comes a black horse, guy with a balance, measuring wheat and barley for a penny
4) out comes a pale horse (no color specified, but I like to think pale blue) guy who is Death, with a guy who is Hell on the back.
5) out comes those that were slain for the word of god. (Not clear, really, who they mean, but I’m guessing, Romans, so, if you’re planning a trip to Rome, get that bitch out of the way before the Apocalypse.)
6) Out comes a earthquake, the sun goes black as a sack of hair (that’s what it says, “as black as a sack of hair”, so I’m assuming, you know, no blonds in the sack) the moon becomes as blood, and stars fall from the sky like figs shaken out of a tree and every mountain and island moved out of their places. (Well duh, stars are friggin huge. I’d say, you’d only need one small to medium star to fall like a fig before everything was pretty much moved, except my car, which if I have a parking space in San Francisco, and it’s not street-sweeping night, there is no fucking way I’m moving, even for the Apocalypse.)
7)Nothing comes out on seal seven, but stuff happens: “Rich men, mighty men, and bondmen, and free men all hide in the mountains, trying to avoid the wrath of the Lamb.” (Okay, this is clearly an anticlimactic seal. After stars falling out of the sky, death on horseback, and all those slain for God’s word, and here you want to think inquisitions and crusades, that’s a crashing buttload of souls, this is really the WTF? seal. I hope that if Barack is the Antichrist he improves the Seventh Seal, because it clearly sucks the ass of all the other seals. )
Quite the book! I’m quite convinced now, that I am not the Antichrist, even though I wear the indelible mark of Bret Mairs. Because none of my books can do any of those things, even if I could get a seven eyed lamb to open them. (But if we can hire one, my signings would rock, wouldn’t they!?!?)
So then seven angels come down, and the stuff they bring is even worser than the seals.
Anyway, I was going to try to go through Revelation and see if I might be the antichrist, or where a bunch of people might have been certain that Obama is the antichrist, and I gotta tell you, when it comes to imagination, I am no lightweight, but there is no way you can get that a skinny guy from Chicago is the beast from Revelation, no matter how you interpret it. I have to wonder if any of these people have ever read Revelation. For one thing, it’s completely incoherent. At least in the Gospel’s and the Epistles of the New Testament, there is some semblance of order (although in many of the Epistles, it appears that the author is just making up Christianity as he goes along, which in the case of Paul, is what he is doing.)
Anyway, I know this has been going on for a while, but I do have a point. Barack Obama is probably not the antichrist, but if he was, wouldn’t you have to be a person of faith to believe that? And if you were a person of faith, wouldn’t you be pretty stoked that all the prophesies were coming to pass so you could be raptured up to chill with God and Jesus and the angels and stuff? That’s right. And if he was, wouldn’t that sort of be inevitable, because it’s foretold in the book of Revelation, and you don’t really think that was written by a lunatic, which it clearly was to those of us not “of faith” or not fucking stupid (and no, I’m not saying the people of faith are stupid, I’m saying that people who believe the book of Revelation is coming about are stupid.). (Don’t make me write a whole blog about the destruction of the city of Babylon, which Revelation goes on about at length as a big part of the Apocalypse but which hasn’t really been a viable city for, oh, 1800 years or so.)
Here’s the thing that I’m really saying. Nearly all of the negative posts, the ones that were worried about the Antichrist or other stuff all used phrases like, “it scares the hell out of me” or “what scares me is” or “the frightening thing is” and folks, even if Barack Obama is the antichrist (and if he is I am totally not moving my car, because I voted for him), or Hillary is the whore or Babylon (which I think would look cool on a campaign button ) or John McCain is really the grandfather on The Waltons, you shouldn’t be using fear as the main mechanism for making your political decisions. First, what are you afraid of? The new president will get us into a war, the economy will tank, we’ll become disrespected around the world and our currency’s value will plummet, we’ll be attacked by terrorists, the price of oil will triple and the national debt will skyrocket in the face of unprecedented government spending and borrowing? As our clueless leader once said, “Mission Accomplished.” See, you have nothing to fear.

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