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Welcome to Camp Obama!

August 23rd, 2008 · 14 Comments

Wow, I just got an invitation to come to Camp Obama here in California?
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Camp Obama

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Well, I got some pages done today, but I didn’t really expect to get much done before the end of the month, what with the Democratic Convention in Denver and the threat of world-ending nuclear war in Poland, so why not go to camp.

Imagine us, all of us Obamamaniacs, out by Lake Barrack…

Itinerary: Camp Obama

8:00-9:00  Non denominational prayer breakfast — secret Muslims not allowed.  (You CAN be Muslim, but you have to be “out”. )

9:00_10:00 Group Hope by the dock (followed by the “HOPE TEST” — no one will be allowed to leave until they have sunk a three-point shot in front of a crowd. Hook shots from the top of the key will also qualify, but only if there are no perspiration stains on the shooter’s underarms.)

10:00-11:00 Bowling instruction by Billy Ray Jones Johnson. (Can you look cool in rented shoes?   Oh yeah, I think you can. Billy Ray teaches you how.)

11:00-Noon Intramural three-legged race: Empowering the Team Player in You.
Cougars vs. PUMAs (Your partner not pulling her weight? Don’t forget to tell her she’s pretty.)

Noon-1:00 Lunch with Keynote:  “How to not scream, “But he’s so fucking old! Human life means nothing to him! He loves war! He’ll get us all killed!”   We don’t roll that way at Camp Obama and you won’t roll out of here like that either.  You will learn how to participate in a measured and civilized debate of just how fucking old and War-crazed he is.

The seminar will be given in a flotilla of canoes lashed together.  Participants will learn:
1)Where they live.
2)How many houses they have. (We have to know this stuff, evidently. People will ask.)
3)Why the only reason that volunteers are not being paid $5 million dollars a year is so they don’t have to worry about that camel through the eye of a needle parable.  (Secret Muslims and Jews, ask your Christian Brothers. Catholics, ask your priest – psssst, New Testament.)
4)Why, out of respect for Native American cultures, there is no Camp Obama team called the Hopi.  (But why it would totally rule if we could get them on board.)
5)And finally, use of Hope in the application of basic lifesaving skills, and how much more effective the former is when combined with the latter.

2:00-3:00 – Crafts! Basket-weaving, lanyard-making, pottery throwing, and guided meditation: The Hope Against Audacity: Participants will learn how to keep from loosing their mind when confronted with the following audacious precepts:
A)Human life is sacred in the womb, but not in a house in Iraq or New Orleans.
B)Everything should be left to the wisdom of the Market, except for no-bid military contracts and Medicare drug programs.
C)The definition of victory is never ending the game.
D)Knowing what arugula is makes you an intellectual snob.
E)Spending time in a prison camp thirty eight years ago gives you special super powers.
F)Spending money you don’t have is somehow different and better than just paying your bills as you go. (Because that’s worked so well on everyone’s credit cards and mortgages.)

Participants will also learn how to weave “Obama-Mama” into their lanyard or basket gifts for their mothers.

3:00-4:00 — CHOOSE YOUR OWN ADVENTURE. YOU GUYS PICK THE CAMP OBAMA ACTIVITY FOR 3:00-4:00 o’clock and put it in the comments.  (Stay in the spirit of things. No Hannity/Limbaugh talking points. I am, after all, firmly, in the Obama-Rama. Although, any activity that involves keeping Joe Biden from saying patently stupid shit will be appreciated.)

Tags: Politics

14 responses so far ↓

  • 1 Shana Jean // Aug 23, 2008 at 3:40 pm

    3:00-4:00 Hour of Change! Everyone has to work to bring change, whether to a starving child or their clothes. Nothing can stay the same!

    I actually attended Camp Obama last summer. We learned how to organize our neighborhoods. It involved a lot of sitting still and taking notes. I like this camp idea better.

  • 2 mllefifi // Aug 23, 2008 at 3:46 pm

    Maye the moJoe for this campaign will work?

  • 3 girlEgirl // Aug 23, 2008 at 5:48 pm

    politically aware, i am not……yeah, i got nothin! always happy to see your new posts though, chris, keep up the good work, luv!

  • 4 Ginjg // Aug 23, 2008 at 9:18 pm

    now see, that’s why Obama/Biden rock

    – if this were Camp McCain/CheneyClone we’d spend crafts time hand coloring campaign bumper stickers and lapel pins

  • 5 Jim Picard // Aug 24, 2008 at 4:25 pm

    I think McCain and the Republicans have a lock on the patently stupid shit award. Biden can’t compete on that level.

  • 6 Lib // Aug 24, 2008 at 6:22 pm

    4:30 p.m. to 4:45 p.m.: Voting for Dummies book project. Help educate the masses with a simple and easy guidelines for voting in next presidential election. Examples:

    Are you 18 and at least an IQ of 40? (YES, guess this leaves out GW…wait, knows it leaves out GW)

    Plays wells with others? (YES, again leaves out GW)

    Coherent thought and speaking is good. Yes or No (YES, again leaves out GW)

    Daddy’s boys should not follow in their father’s footsteps. Yes or No (YES, again leaves out GW)

  • 7 K'Hovak // Aug 26, 2008 at 12:15 pm

    3:00 to 4:00 PM:
    How to “Let a game of H-O-R-S-E, not the Supreme Court decide a close election.”
    Led by Michael Jordan and Larry Bird (psst, this isn’t a Nike commercial, but it could be).

    AFTER-DINNER Seminar(s):

    How to conjugate verbs (‘Conjugate’ doesn’t meet what you think it means).

    Plagarizing proverbs, not Who songs. (Who? First base! Who? Pinball Wizard!)

    A Stay-cation at the WhiteHouse.

    How to end a sentence, or an execution, without a creepy inappropriate smile.

    Staying out of a family matter when the husband met the burden of proof
    to remove the feeding tube. It’s the only time some got off their asses to
    do anything more than make an appearance, in the last eight years … and
    it wasn’t your item to mess with. (SouthPark rightfully embarassed both sides
    of that equation.)

    AND Clearing your calendar when the real shit hits the fan …
    -When you leave your ranch, don’t go to Arizona talking about your prescription drug plan
    when you got a get your Chevy away from the collapsing Levi (Katrina 2K5).
    -Excusing yourself politely from No-Freedom O-limp-ics to strategize a better response
    than “you don’t pre-emptively invade a country [‘between the sheets, in Europe’.”] (Beijing 2K8).
    -How to have a military that’s not exhausted, broken, and broke … to address invasions
    (oh wait, that’s why ours is exhausted, broken and broke … let the NeoSoviets invade at will,
    what goes around will come around they can be broke and broken in a few years too.

    Suppressing the Oedipal-Urge to one-up, or abandon everything your father ever did.

    And that the Double-0 Decade isn’t a license to kill.

  • 8 Carrie // Aug 27, 2008 at 5:54 pm

    4:00-5:00 Peace By Fist Bump: Communicate the Obama Way.

    Separate into groups to discuss and demonstrate the proper method and meaning of the Obama victory/peace/hope signal. Practice. Sing Kumbaya. Weep with hope and joy.

    Consider how using the fist bump instead of say, nuclear weapons, might help the crisis in war torn regions like Iraq, Afghanistan, Darfur, Kashmir, Georgia, and especially North Korea. Kim Jong Il is screaming for a little fist bump. A little understanding goes a long way.

    Eat cookies. Fist Bump.

  • 9 Jane // Aug 28, 2008 at 2:14 am

    The Art of Raising Your Attack Dog VP: a workshop with demonstrations.

    The monks of New Skete share with the group the spirituality of the “sit” and “stay” commands.

  • 10 christopher carfi // Sep 6, 2008 at 12:01 pm

    3:00 – 4:00 — ZIP LINE YOU CAN BELIEVE IN

    The Camp Obama high ropes course, the ZIP LINE YOU CAN BELIEVE IN, enables campers to build community organizations that whisk campers through a series of trees, each one representing a key battleground state. Leatherman tools will be provided, as each battleground state tree will be equipped with a Diebold voting machine which will need to be reprogrammed before riding the ZIP LINE YOU CAN BELIEVE IN to the next station.

    (N.B. Instead of the ZIP LINE YOU CAN BELIEVE IN, snobby intellectual advanced campers will have the option of an hour of Trig-onometry, and can choose to spend this module exchanging theories of overlapping and implausible gestational timelines.)

  • 11 Jim "Shoddy" Simpson // Sep 6, 2008 at 9:39 pm

    Remember to sew name tags in your underwear!

  • 12 Elvish // Sep 13, 2008 at 7:42 pm

    Hey! organizing a revolution involves a lot of note-taking and butt-sitting. Once you get the formula right you can take over the world a la France. Or a la America depending on your worldview (I hate the sissy French but love their pastries)

    I think there needs to be a class highly dependent on geographical knowledge-not just countries we are currently at war with or fairly recent scuffles but actual countries people are not aware of: I present you Estonia and Moldova. And that’s just Eastern Europe. Imagine the other continents and be blown away by the possibilities.

  • 13 Leprrkan // Nov 2, 2008 at 8:44 am

    4:00-5:00 Internal/External Obamaflon Coating Applications:

    Every camper will get a super coating of Obamaflon, making them inpervious to any and all political smears, or downright personal attacks, thrown at them from bitter McCainiacs.

    The Obamaflon not only protects them from slander it helps to elevate their mood to such a level that their only reply is a Zen-like smile that says “I don’t give a fuck what nonsense you spout, because I am above it all”, which will futher infuriate their taunters to the point that their little Neo-con skulls explode from pent up anger.


  • 14 KTG // Dec 8, 2008 at 8:06 pm

    3:00 – 4:00
    Hopes course
    Teams must overcome a series of challenges, including avoiding mudslinging, resisting rabble-rousing, and staying on topic during a debate.
    Participants must work together to navigate the high road to victory using as few attack ads as possible. Points are given for reaching across the aisle and promoting change whenever possible. Points are detracted for use of any Joes (Sixpack, Plumber, or Biden) to articulate a point.
    The hopes course will conclude with a game of capture-McCain’s-thunder. Afterward in the lounge enjoy free drinks and play a fun game – drink every time McCain says friends!

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