Hey Kids,
It’s that time again, and in honor of our favorite brain-eating holiday season,
here’s a candy-striped peppermint bunch of Zombie Haiku, with selections by
Billy Collins and your very Own Author Guy, as well as some
talented writers and comedians.(Thanks to Ryan Mecham for putting this site together.)
And while we’re on the subject, here’s that link I promised where you can order signed copies of The Stupidest Angel. The perfect Christmacaquanza gift.
Your homework, if you decide to accept it, is to write your own Christmas Zombie Haiku.
If you missed 6th grade, the format is
five syllables,
seven syllables
five syllables
But if you come up with a really funny one, no one will hold a syllable or two against you. (But if you do happen to be in a crowd, and someone starts holding his syllable against you, report them to security, because that shit is not in the Christmas spirit. Or, better yet, hand them some twinkle lights and some tinsel and tase them, bro. See if you can make the lights come on.)
60 responses so far ↓
1 JasonB // Dec 1, 2008 at 11:51 am
Zombies now rejoice
Obama will ban the guns
no more damn head shots
2 Chris // Dec 1, 2008 at 12:50 pm
A Bokor fed me pufferfish
and made me his slave.
That son-of-a-bitch!
I was happy where I layed.
3 Ken // Dec 1, 2008 at 1:07 pm
The Zombie Army
Lethal Ladies Running Past
Movie Sucks Big Time
4 JasonB // Dec 1, 2008 at 1:30 pm
Zombies bit my dog
hungry chihuahua now says:
“Yo Quiero Cerebro?”
5 Kir // Dec 1, 2008 at 1:37 pm
All I want
For Christmas is brains
Braaaaaiiiiiinnnnnsssss…
(Yes, I firmly believe that, said correctly, ‘Braaaaaiiiiiinnnnnsssss…’ is three syllables – although if you press the argument I might be forced to admit that zombies may not be the top of the class in counting.)
6 Temple // Dec 1, 2008 at 2:06 pm
Black Friday zombies
Storm stores for deals on blenders
“Hey-Is that my arm?”
7 Evilmissmonkey // Dec 1, 2008 at 5:04 pm
Caroling, lurching,
the zombies make Christmas cheer
all about the brains
8 AngieBatgirl // Dec 1, 2008 at 6:46 pm
Zombie Santa says
“Do not want milk and cookies
Bring on the brains, please.”
9 Brian // Dec 1, 2008 at 8:18 pm
Lurching through the snow
Brains with an eggnog chaser
Santa’s come for blood
10 Mysterio // Dec 1, 2008 at 9:02 pm
Civil War soldier
gaping musket wound in chest
tells Lincoln fuck off.
11 Mysterio // Dec 1, 2008 at 9:02 pm
Zombie scarab man
rolls ball of human organs
like wet chunky poo.
12 Mysterio // Dec 1, 2008 at 9:03 pm
Dead librarian
sexy in her cardigan
and puss dripping breasts.
13 Mysterio // Dec 1, 2008 at 9:03 pm
Shrubbery shutters
zombies playing badminton
with my shuttlecock.
14 Mysterio // Dec 1, 2008 at 9:14 pm
Smash and grab my heart
I love you for your mind, your
body is just gravy.
15 Ryan Mecum // Dec 1, 2008 at 10:38 pm
Girl’s dad from Gremlins,
still stinking up the chimney,
starts to climb back up.
16 jeannie // Dec 2, 2008 at 12:06 am
stinky green dead dudes
lurch and moan slow, menaceing
you get bit, youre screwed!
17 jeannie // Dec 2, 2008 at 12:18 am
great idea , chris!
18 Eric Mays // Dec 2, 2008 at 6:37 am
Necrophilia –
Think of it as Nec”Romance”;
Zombie love ain’t wrong!
19 Eric Mays // Dec 2, 2008 at 6:59 am
Pirate Zombies Rule!
No interest in your peg leg…
They want your booty!
20 mattw // Dec 2, 2008 at 9:13 am
Shovel through the leg
Chainsaw through left arm from damn
Far sighted slayer
Darkness all around
Woke up too late, need to feed
Stuck inside coffin
21 18Rabbit // Dec 2, 2008 at 9:18 am
Santa zombie comes
down the chimney Christmas eve
“Ho, Ho, Ho”, indeed
22 Michael // Dec 2, 2008 at 10:48 am
Define trust for me
Get a blow job from a Zombie
Shows where your brain is
23 18Rabbit // Dec 2, 2008 at 12:44 pm
Zombie Santa’s list
checked twice, good kids get eaten
bad kids just get coal
24 Sugar Ray Dodge // Dec 2, 2008 at 1:22 pm
Santa Killed My Mom
Beneath Mistletoe That Night
Then Fucked My Sister
Ok, I suck at this.
25 Something Shiny » Webpourri - December 2, 2008 // Dec 2, 2008 at 3:09 pm
[…] A Very Undead Christmas […]
26 makuleguy // Dec 2, 2008 at 7:11 pm
A boy and his dog
Eat Harlan Ellison’s brain
Ironic, ain’t it?
27 Amanda W // Dec 2, 2008 at 11:56 pm
Be very merry,
Next Christmas you could be dead,
Marching to IKEA
28 Sky // Dec 3, 2008 at 9:21 am
They said: Ho Ho Ho
You said: I’m not a Ho, BITCH!
They killed you Ho.
Wow, that was horrible. But I’m not fully awake yet sooo…
haha
29 mattw // Dec 3, 2008 at 10:55 am
Gamey reindeer flesh
Sugary sweet workshop elves
Zombie Santa lives!
30 Uptown_Toodeloo // Dec 3, 2008 at 2:28 pm
Zombie Cat Haiku
Meyow Meyow Mrow
Meyow Meyow Mrow Mrow Me
squirl brains taste good ow
31 Carrie // Dec 3, 2008 at 3:19 pm
zombie hordes advance
droning out christmas carols
they don’t like egg nog
32 pgkites // Dec 3, 2008 at 6:58 pm
who took away the
candy corn before Thanksgiving
damn christmas zombies
33 Uptown_Toodeloo // Dec 4, 2008 at 7:05 am
Zombie Cat Chirstmas Haiku
Meyow Meyow Mrow
Meyow Mrow Me eggnog and
squirl brains taste good ow
34 Wingnut // Dec 4, 2008 at 9:51 am
Damned chemical spill
Undead infest the village
Blood drips on new snow.
35 DanaMichelle // Dec 5, 2008 at 7:53 am
Dearly departed
You hold a piece of my heart
Give that back, you fiend
36 Marilyn // Dec 5, 2008 at 4:05 pm
Slip Slide through the guts
Trying to get to the brains
Slurp … burp … excuse me
jingle bell brain fest
would you like fries with that hun?
nope just plain-brain, thanks
now serving brain fries
everythings better deep fried
double helping please
Holiday humbug:
bugbrain tastes good too
try it anyway
holiday brainfest
it makes just as little sense
read from the bottom
oh umpa lumpa
chocolate covered in brain
that’s the gold ticket
’tis the season all
give of yourself freely but
save the brain for me
37 phil // Dec 5, 2008 at 6:38 pm
Chaos at the mall
Black Friday has truly come
the dead eat you now
Zombies at Christmas
With my favorite present
I’ll put THEIR eyes out
Elves are eating brains
Santa’s leg has fallen off
Christmastime is dead
No gifts from Santa
this year he will be taking
your brains and your life
38 Pete Diddy // Dec 5, 2008 at 7:19 pm
How do you suck so?
No doubt, I’ll love you always
Merry Christmas, ho!
Why are all dying?
Brains by the evening flying
Should have been a bird
39 Donna Gore // Dec 5, 2008 at 7:37 pm
Mostly they eat us
But Sundays we eat Jesus
The other white meat
40 Ishie // Dec 6, 2008 at 5:17 am
Uh oh, they’re coming,
And the truck won’t turn over
Someone hel…. NEED BRAINS
41 Heather // Dec 6, 2008 at 10:01 am
Christmas time is here
What’s a zombie Jew to do?
Eat gentile brains!
Nun Gimel Hey Shin
Eight nights of Undead feasting
Yum, brains and latkes!
42 Jim Picard // Dec 6, 2008 at 8:05 pm
Zombies on the train.
Yup, even in the rain, man.
Always eating brains.
Always eating brains?
See, that’s where you’re wrong, my man.
Sometimes we like spines.
43 Ronni // Dec 8, 2008 at 6:54 am
Chilled brains for Christmas.
Winter brains’re best, ‘cept… Shit!
This one’s full of snot!
44 Skippykelly // Dec 9, 2008 at 10:01 am
Eating brains is fun
Making hot cheerleaders run
Christmas every day
Being dead is great
No taxes for me to hate
And no draft either
There once was a zombie from France
Who was quite long in the pants
He bent over to suck
It came off with a Schpluck!
And now he’s a really F@$&ing sexually frustrated angry zombie…
Sorry – that last one was more of a limerick (kinda). I just couldn’t help myself.
45 Nessa // Dec 9, 2008 at 1:42 pm
Meet Stan, the VP
He was hit by a slain deer
Now he’s a zombie
46 Mark Covington // Dec 12, 2008 at 2:11 pm
Brain eating zombies
Would starve dining in congress
Better feast on fiction writers
47 Mark Covington // Dec 12, 2008 at 2:57 pm
Tetratoxin laced milk
Hallucinogenic cookies
Makes Santa-zombie
48 Crystal // Dec 13, 2008 at 4:55 pm
Listen up, zombies!
Only eat this bit, and that …
Such easy weight loss!
49 WTW // Dec 14, 2008 at 3:46 am
Zombie, Don’t eat me!
I have a wife and two kids…
Er, eat them instead.
Kitty curled in lap.
Purrs, meows, then feasts on brain.
Oh, shit! Zombie cat!
50 Charlie // Dec 15, 2008 at 4:40 pm
Alaska Palin
The queen mother of zombies
Please eat her brain now
51 Karen // Dec 16, 2008 at 1:50 pm
Eating gray matter
Does not make you smart you know
I like Skittles best
52 Thom // Dec 16, 2008 at 2:50 pm
A Dawn of the Dead haiku
Let’s go to the mall
We can live there forever
Who forgot the food?
53 JasonB // Dec 17, 2008 at 3:54 pm
Will Author Guy post
A new blog before Christmas?
Did zombies get him?
54 Stephanie A. // Dec 17, 2008 at 11:24 pm
The Ultimate Goal
Brains are all I need
Mindless, thoughtless, no control
Now living the Dream
55 Stephanie A. // Dec 17, 2008 at 11:37 pm
Twas’ Christmas night time
And no mouse there was stirring
Cause Zombies ate it
Ha ha ha Merry Christmas : )
56 Nik // Dec 18, 2008 at 11:35 am
‘Helpful Hints for Left-Overs Night: Number 7′
Pinch of tarragon
Makes day-old brains taste alive
Hmm, it’s a good thing.
57 B-Rad // Dec 22, 2008 at 3:33 pm
Why are brains so good?
Because they’re soft and squishy…
Toilet time is hell.
58 Tami // Dec 23, 2008 at 5:29 am
Zombie reindeer prance
Dashing brains about the snow
Rudolph’s bloody snout
Inconvenient truth
Zombies environmental
Leave a trail of gore
Forty below here
Zombie frozen treats from cold
Canadian brains
Between the shadow
and zombies jaws lies the dull
coiled evil of man
(with apologies to T.S. Eliot)
Have to say, Wingnut’s takes first prize for me; honourable mention to the zombie cat’s meow.
59 Picard // Dec 25, 2008 at 10:07 pm
Oh…Christmas Zombie Haiku…Well then.
Silent zombie night.
There hasn’t been a scream yet.
Anticipation.
Watch out for zombies,
Underneath the Christmas tree.
They’re small, but they bite.
Christmas zombies rule!
Your cranium makes them drool.
Christmas brains taste good.
Oh, Yuletide Zombie,
You’d eat me on Christmas Eve?
I hope I taste bad.
Ow! stop doing that.
Jeeze, quit chewing on my head.
It’s Christmas time, yo?
Zombie Christmas, Zom-
bie Christmas Zombie Christmas,
Zombie Christmas, Zom.
Santa brought me brains.
I don’t need any more brains!
I wonder ’bout Santa.
Rudolph looks so bright.
Sure, he’ll eat your brains tonight,
But he won’t know why.
60 Katarina Navane // Jan 1, 2009 at 11:27 pm
such a silent night
rudely interrupted by
the calls for your brains
This isn’t a haiku but I thought I’d share the marching chants of the zombies in the Humans Verses Zombies game on our campus:
What do we want?
Braaaains!
When do we want it?
Braaaains!
Also not a haiku, but I wrote this during a D&D game when we were supposed to be writing “orcish cooking songs.” It involves zombies and is sung (more or less) to the tune of “all i want for christmas is my two front teeth.”
*chorus* Oh, you never really know ’em ’till you eat their brains
you eat their brains, yes you eat their brains
You never really know ’em ’till you eat their brains
You eat their yummy brains!
I didn’t know my mommy and I didn’t know my daddy
I didn’t know my baby sister too
But I’ve known a bunch of goblins and I’ve known a bunch of kobolds
and I Knew that random pile of goo!
*chorus* Oh, you never really know ’em ’till you eat their brains
you eat their brains, yes you eat their brains
You never really know ’em ’till you eat their brains
You eat their yummy brains!
The silly little elf-ies might think it’s crude
and even chunky dwarf-ies might think it’s rude
but I agree with Zombies, it’s just good food
I like eating brains.
*chorus* Oh, you never really know ’em ’till you eat their brains
you eat their brains, yes you eat their brains
You never really know ’em ’till you eat their brains
You eat their yummy brains!
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