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A Christmas Punch In the Junk

December 24th, 2008 · 25 Comments

It’s  Christmas Eve, kiddies, and I’m signing in to wish you all a very merry and whatnot (or a happy third night of Hanukah for the Chosen.) I’m totally in the spirit of giving and generosity. I relish the company of friends and family, and I believe that we should take this time to be thankful for our blessings, and feel compassion for those less fortunate than we are, and allow our feelings to drive us toward helping to alleviate the suffering of our fellow man.  I’m all about peace on earth, goodwill toward men.

But that said, and with the warmth and love of the holiday season in my heart, I have to say, that even though it’s Christmastime, some motherfuckers still need to be punched in the junk.

Allow me to clarify,  s’il vous plait–

(This rant may take a while. You might want to go have some egg nog and come back tomorrow to read the first chapter of Fool.)

So last night I get this e-mail entitled:
Could Barack Obama Be the Antichrist/Beast?
13 Considerations

Before I even started looking at the 13 considerations, I decided to actually give some thought to my answer, which was:
Absolutely. Barack could be the Beast.  For a long time I was hoping that I might be the beast, particularly back in the late 80s when I was in radio and needed a gimmick for my drive-time show. But certainly, I’m less qualified than Barack for most any position, except maybe “pasty white guy”, which I excel at. So if someone had to be the Beast instead of me, I’m okay with it being Barack.  I’m not sure, however, how Sarah Palin missed that during the campaign. Seems like that would have definitely been a talking point. “Sure, he was the editor of Harvard Law review, a professor of Constitutional Law at University of Chicago, but also, he was the BEAST, which we don’t go for out here in real America.”

So, once I accepted that Barack might be the Beast, I had to in logical progression, ask the next questions?
Could Barack Obama be the Tooth Fairy?

And again, Abso-fucking-lutely. I’ve never seen a picture of the Tooth Fairy, but I certainly have more empirical evidence of his/her existence than I have for the Beast. In fact, Barack might have leveraged his position as the ToothFairy to get the BEAST job. “I bring upon you seven years of darkeness and pain and suffering, and a plague shall fall upon the land, and oh,  here’s a quarter for that bicuspid you left under your pillow.”

So, I was already convinced that Barack could be the BEAST, without even reading the reasons, and after I concluded, as you would, “So what?” I thought. Wow, this guy deserves not one, but perhaps multiple punches in the junk, and he was going for it big time. After all the guy who sent me the e-mail also CCed it to Dean Koontz and William Gibson, and it’s a proven fact that Koontz has trained Labrador retrievers who will bite your junk right off, and Bill Gibson has a cryo-compressed ball of mercury on a nano wire that can deliver over seven-thousand foot pounds of pressure to your junk with just the flick of his wrist. But alas, I digress. It’s Christmas and you need to get back to your stuff.

So here’s the 13 things you should consider before giving Barack beast-props.

1. Charismatic Speaker Worshipped By The Masses.  The Book of Daniel says the Beast will arise in a country made up of “diverse” people from “all kingdoms” [which could describe the USA].  The Beast “shall speak great words …and think to change times and laws.”  The Beast will have “understanding [of] dark sentences,” “shall magnify himself in his heart,” and will talk of peace “and by peace shall destroy many.”  Daniel 7:23-25; 8:23-25.  The worldwide masses will worship the charismatic Beast/Antichrist who will have a “mouth speaking great things.”  Revelation 13:3-8. [sic]

Obviously, the most ominous of these is his understanding of “dark sentences”.  Clearly, someone had to be able to interpret what the fuck Flava-Flav was talking about. Mad BEAST skills, if you ask me.

2. False Prophets.  The advent of the Antichrist will be heralded by false prophets.  Jeremiah Wright and Father Pfleger, who claim to be in the prophetic tradition, compared Barack to Jesus.  Louis Farrakhan called Barack “the Messiah” to whom the youth will listen.

I’m not going to say that we’re cherry-picking here, as far as false prophets go, but is it okay to mention the prophesy that “we will be greeted as liberators” and “Iraqi construction will pay for itself”.  Doesn’t false prophet mean someone who comes up with prophesies that are wrong? Like, oh, I don’t know, prophesizing that the rapture is upon us because the president elect can speak in complete sentences and pronounce nuclear?  Punch in the junk for you, Elijah!

3. Treated As A Religious Figure.  The Bible says the Beast will substitute himself in place of God and Jesus.  Oprah Winfrey called Barack “The One” who will help us evolve.  Chris Matthews blasphemed that Obama “is writing the New Testament.”   Newsweek and Rolling Stone both added halo effects to their Obama magazine covers.

Look, if it were up to Oprah to pick the Beast, then Dr. Phil, Maya Angelou, that chick who wrote The Secret, and cake would have all been the BEAST a long time ago.

Chris Matthews? Chris Matthews?  You’re citing Chris Matthews as the voice of prophesy? I don’t care if he blasphemes, I just want him to stop yelling at me. Punch in the junk just for that one.

And if Rolling Stone airbrushing you on the cover make you the beast then Britney’s implants were the BEAST(s) back in ‘99.  (And lo, she did taketh of the percocet and mojitos, and then she did push the beasts together so they did nearly spill out of her top, and into the land she did go, totally commando, flashing the pixilated beav unto who all who did look upon TMZ or Entertainment Tonight. )

4. 666.  Revelation 13:18 says “the number of the Beast … is the number of a man and his number is six hundred threescore and six.”  6+6+6=18, the number of letters in Barack Hussein Obama, whose Chicago power base includes the 60606 zip code.
On November 5 — the day after the election — in Obama’s home state of Illinois — the evening pick 3 lottery number was 6-6-6.

Because all cataclysmic events are foretold by the Illinois pick three lotto number.

5.  What Jesus Saw.  In Luke 10:18, Jesus is quoted as saying: “I beheld Satan as lightning fall from heaven.”
“Barak” is the Hebrew word for “lightning.”
So Jesus said he saw Satan as barak.
“Bama” is the Biblical Hebrew word for a “high place” such as heaven.

Uh huh. And Ala-bama means that the entire state is a secret Muslim heaven, because all Muslims dream of an afterlife with 99% humidity and where inbreeding is the national sport.

6. Beast Is A Hybrid From The Sea.  The symbolic Beast of Revelation 13:1-2 will “rise up out of the sea” and is a hybrid of different species with “the mouth of a lion.”
Barack is a Leo with great speaking abilities.  He is part black and part white and has both Muslim and Christian heritage.  He was born in the middle of the Pacific Ocean on the island of Oahu, surrounded by the sea.

WTF?  WTF? WTF?  A Leo with great speaking abilities? Are we placing a singles ad on Craigslist?

7. The Burak In The Koran.  The rider on a white horse in Revelation 6:2 is the horseman of the apocalypse considered to be the Antichrist.  His “crown … given unto him” and bow without arrows signify he will be freely chosen by the people without violence.
Barack’s connection to a religious white horse:  In the Koran, the buraq or burak was a magical white horse that Mohammed flew upon at night from Mecca to Jerusalem, where it was tethered to the Western Wall (called Al-Buraq in Arabic).  When Barack went to Jerusalem in July 2008, he paid a night visit to Al-Buraq (the Western Wall).

This is some fine detective work, here. Clearly, with the spotting of the white horse that Mohammed rode from Mecca to Jerusalem we know for sure that Barak is the BEAST. Because Barack means white horse. I mean, it means, light, as in consideration 5.  Or does it mean Junk in the Trunk, as in Baby Got Barack, by the prophet Sir Mixalot?  OMFG! Barack isn’t the Beast? He’s the booty of the Beast?

8. Evil Goat Connection.  Throughout the Bible, sheep are associated with good and goats are associated with evil, which is why Satan is often depicted with goat horns.  In Matthew 25:31-41, Jesus says that upon his return, he will separate the good sheep on his right from the evil goats on his left and shall cast the goats “into everlasting fire, prepared for the devil and his angels.”
Barack is the lefthanded son of a Muslim goatherder.
In Kenya, Barack’s election was celebrated by the slaughter of goats.

I’m not quite sure why it’s relevant that Barack’s dad was a MUSLIM goathearder. But you had me at “left-handed”.  All of them should be burned!  Burned as left-handed witches.  I do think that “The Evil Goat Connection” should be the title of the sequel to “The Audacity of Hope”. I’d buy the omnibus edition with both books.

9. Nostradamus’s Mabus Prophecy.  Nostradamus’s first antichrist Napaulon Ray turned out to be Napoleon, and his second antichrist Hister turned out to be Hitler.  The third and final antichrist in Nostradamus’s prophecy is associated with someone named Mabus, whose death will trigger massive calamity.  (Century 2, Quatrain 62.)
The only prominent person ever named Mabus is Ray Mabus, the former Governor of Mississippi and Bill Clinton’s ambassador to Saudi Arabia.  Ray Mabus is a Middle East policy adviser to Barack and campaigned for him.  If Barack sends Ray Mabus on a mission to Iran where Mabus is killed and Barack retaliates, the Mabus prophecy will be fulfilled.
Also note: obaMABUSh.

There has got to be a line in Vegas on this one. “Yo Ray, you going to Iran? Really? Wait, I need to call my bookie. I think I smell retirement money!”   I’m just going to wing it here, but if we’re going to go with Nostradamus and his clearly dislexic antichrist spellings, wouldn’t it make more sense to go with someone named, oh, Mavis? Rather than Barack? Clearly all prophesies use JUMBLE as an oracle.

10. Unstoppable Rise To Power.  Barack’s meteoric rise to power out of nowhere has been unstoppable.  He overcame problems in his background that would have sunk an ordinary candidate.  Barack steamrolled over the Clinton machine, with the Democratic superdelegates and mainstream media unable to resist his spell.  Hurricane Gustav delayed the start of the Republican convention.  Just after McCain pulled ahead in the polls, Wall Street suddenly collapsed to ensure Barack’s election.

Absolutely. I think the key here is “Unstoppable”. While there’s no citation of a source, I’ll buy the Unstoppable part. And given that, what am I supposed to do with the information that Barack is the BEAST?  I’m definitely saving my Obama 08 bumper sticker though, because I am totally going to get to sit with the cool kids at the Apocalypse. You McCain voters can just be raptured off to Alabama.

11. Satanic Palindrome.  Sasha is only the nickname of Obama’s oldest daughter.  Her legal name is NATASHA — the reverse of AH SATAN.

Hmmm.  Again, clearly the future has been foretold by the jumbling of letters in a language that didn’t even exist when Revelation was written. Why do you suppose God is giving us such subtle clues?  Do you think he just like watching us try to figure out puzzles, like, making fire or curing cancer?  Want’s to make us work for it, I guess. Someone should make a checklist.  Is It the End of the World? Take the Test!

12. 2012.  According to Revelation 13:5, the Beast/Antichrist will rule for 42 months of relative peace and prosperity before all hell starts to break loose in the middle of the fourth year of his reign, culminating in the Battle of Armageddon.
The fourth year of Barack’s presidency will be 2012, the year the Mayan calendar comes to an end, the year of a rare planetary alignment, and a year that scholars say Nostradamus foresaw as tumultuous.

All these prophesies, from the Mayans to Nostradamus, to the planets aligning point to one thing: Before the forty-two months of relative peace and prosperity, the guy who sent me this should be summarily punched in the junk.

13.  Shiite Islamic Prophecy Of “A Tall Black Man” Running The West.  According to a 17th Century prophetic text of the Shiite branch of Islam, the return of the Mahdi, the Islamic messiah, in the End of Times will be preceded by “a tall black man” running “government in the West” and commanding “the strongest army on earth.”  The black “promised warrior” will carry a “clear sign” from Hussein ibn Ali (the third imam) and will assist the Mahdi in converting the world to Islam.  The Iranian media have identified Obama as the “promised warrior.”

So which is it?  Whose end of the world is this?  All all the Christians going to get raptured, then the rest of us converted to Islam? Cause if that’s the case, I have got forty-two months of serious bacon eating in my future.  And we’re letting Iranian media identify prophets now?  Cause you know what the Iranian media does in my town? That’s right, they sell rugs.

The saddest thing about all of these prophesies, is that someone wasted a lot of time trying to put together an argument with less structural integrity than a fighter jet made of waffle cones. And now I’ve burnt an hour or so and even worse, I’ve burned a bunch of your time, holiday time, when you should be getting drunk and fighting with your family. Sorry.

Which is why, this Christmas, I’m praying to the Tooth Fairy to give the guy who sent me this a punch in the junk.

Merry Christmas. Happy Hanukah. See you tomorrow.

<img src="<img src="“The Author Guy Making Thanksgiving Pizza”

Photo by Flip Nicklin
National Geographic

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25 responses so far ↓

  • 1 mllefifi // Dec 24, 2008 at 4:00 pm

    Well, Chris, ya gotta pick and choose.

    That’s what things like the “Bible Code” and “Theomatics” are all about.

    Just sayin’.

  • 2 JimmyD // Dec 24, 2008 at 6:05 pm

    And I’ve NEVER seen him at ANY of the meetings.
    He may A Beast, not THE Beast.
    And a HOT Beast (you’ve seen the Hawaii pics!)
    Happy Holidays to you and Charlee!

  • 3 Mary // Dec 24, 2008 at 9:19 pm

    It was a pleasant waste of holiday time, Chris.

    I, too, wish Chris Matthews would stop yelling at me.

    Happy holidays!

  • 4 Sky // Dec 24, 2008 at 11:29 pm

    I think my dog is The Beast.

    Have a super awesome holiday!

  • 5 Rosechimera // Dec 25, 2008 at 1:09 am

    We lefties have so got to organize. I already feel the next time I elbow someone at a restaurant they are going to put up a no lefties sign.

  • 6 Nicole // Dec 25, 2008 at 12:55 pm

    One time, when my son was six, we were in Alabama (on purpose) … He was in the pool, and I was in a lounge chair and he calls out to me, really loudly …

    “Mom, I didn’t know ladies could have mustaches too.”

    I never remember to come here and read the blog, so I’m glad Gingj posted this … It’s great, and I hope you’ll seriously consider making your next book “The Beast”. That would totally fuckin’ rock. Kind of a sequel to Lamb.

  • 7 daisyfae // Dec 25, 2008 at 3:48 pm

    junk-punching seems inadequate. time spent with my extended family is the greater torment… i’ll trade the junk punching for an hour with my sister. and i don’t even have junk. at least i don’t think so…

  • 8 gretchenfaith // Dec 25, 2008 at 7:18 pm

    I’m hiding in my in-laws guest room right now, well on my way to drunk after witnessing a family fight. So, you’re posting here is not really getting in the way of my family getting-my-drink-and-fight-on time. I think I’ve had one too many of my father-in-law’s Spanish coffees to truly appreciate the depth of the douche-wafflery that went into the construction of the email you received, except that I can clearly see that whoever wrote it does, indeed, need a punch in the junk.

    Merry Chrismakwanzikah.

  • 9 gretchenfaith // Dec 25, 2008 at 7:19 pm

    There is a grammar error in my post above. I’m sorry. Did I mention the Spanish coffee?? Blame that.

  • 10 Sugar Ray Dodge // Dec 26, 2008 at 7:01 am

    All that mess is a real stretch. I’m usually first on board with most crazy stretching, but this is a bit much for me. The Evil Goat Connection? C’mon, even I could do better than that.

  • 11 albertriehle // Dec 26, 2008 at 10:25 am

    I dunno. The Four Whores of the Apocalypse are gaining strength: Britney, Lindsay, Paris and Miley are all on the upswing. If they ever meet in once place, I believe that end of the world will be at hand—so Obama could very well be the Beast. Unless it’s Jerry Springer, of course.

  • 12 Picard // Dec 26, 2008 at 11:27 am

    Seriously, can The Beast be any worse than The Bush?

  • 13 Bean // Dec 26, 2008 at 11:33 am

    A punch to the junk, and a boot to the chin.

    That’s what I say.

    Who the fuck goes around claiming that Obama is the Christian Anti-Christ, and then goes so far as to use Nostradamus as a source?!! Really? So who’s the one listening to false prophets here again?

    Most excellent post.

  • 14 Drea // Dec 26, 2008 at 11:33 am

    Much love, Author Guy! I sent it to many friends to waste their time too 🙂 Happy holidays!

  • 15 FFPF // Dec 26, 2008 at 2:17 pm

    I’m loving how in point 8, it’s good for Jesus to burn goats, but it’s a bad sign for Kenyans to slay them.

    So, basically, it’s all in the way you kill your goats. I’ve really learned something today.

    Oh, and 12/25 is 12 + 25 = 37. And 37 has 2 digits, so 2 * 37 = 74 amd 74 is a number. So is 666. Oh my God! Jesus is the beast.

  • 16 Heather // Dec 27, 2008 at 6:02 am

    I love how at #11, my first thought was, “Heeey, Sasha’s not his OLDEST daughter! Like *that’s* the most flawed part of their argument or something.

    I suppose shit like this shouldn’t surprise me anymore seeing as someone tried to convince me at work the other day that the Euro is a governmental conspiracy orchestrated by the Beast to bring the world under his rule. It just keeps getting more ridiculous.

  • 17 FFPF // Dec 27, 2008 at 1:10 pm

    The one thing I’ve learned about such prophecies and predictions is that it makes no difference what anyone says – it still happens. if it doesn’t, it’s false prophecy. So why talk about it?

    Of course, that would be applying some level of logic to something inherently illogical. How foolish.

    FOOLish. Get it? Hahahah. Ha. Yeah.

  • 18 T // Dec 28, 2008 at 9:35 am

    I thought John Lennon was the anti-christ!!!! Oh my Goddess! I need to take down my shrine???

  • 19 Drea // Dec 29, 2008 at 9:12 am

    I just saw this and thought it might be helpful — just in case:
    How to Profit From the Coming Rapture: Getting Ahead When You’re Left Behind

  • 20 admin // Dec 29, 2008 at 9:57 am

    Drea: Which reminds me of the book “Beam Me Up, Jesus: A Heathen’s Guide to the Rapture”

  • 21 Janiece // Dec 29, 2008 at 12:36 pm

    It seems Mr. I-deserve-a-punch-in-the-junk has been reading Piers Anthony For Love of Evil, where the Satan Palindrome first came up.

    The End Times according to Piers Anthony?


  • 22 Picard // Dec 30, 2008 at 9:48 pm

    What drives people who take the time to come up with that type of crap? Religion? No, some of my best friends are religious. They think people like that are nuts.
    It’s like the people who sent you that are hoping the end times come soon. They must be very confident in their righteous, to think they are the chosen ones to tell us about it. And that THEY, not us, are doing God’s will. How do I know certain Author Guys aren’t doing God’s will? By the way, will somebody please explain to me the difference between sacrificing a goat, and preparing it for dinner?

  • 23 Dave // Dec 31, 2008 at 7:34 pm

    You people can laugh and poke fun all you want. Just wait till that big white horse gets all up on your ass and starts stomping all over your junk.

  • 24 Jennifer // Jan 6, 2009 at 3:04 pm

    I have serious issue with #12. According to the reading I’ve done (at work when I’m supposed to be shelving those books!), 2012 is going to completely mess with the magnetic fields (I think!) and like, turn the poles upside down. So what I’d like to know is how Obama is responsible for this nasty planetary upheaval…Oh, right! THE Beast! Well, live it up while you can , I say!

  • 25 Vaughn // Jan 28, 2009 at 8:50 pm

    Ah logic, the ultimate wrench in the works of angry believers everywhere. I find it both hilarious and saddening that religions normal condemned for being “wrong” or “ungodly” are used as backup arguments for this one. The sender trusts the mayans who regularly sacrificed human beings and all that lovely stuff, but god forbid they sacrifice a goat. No, not the goat! ANYTHING BUT GOATS! Truly the end of days is upon us.

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