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The Swine Flu Tweets

April 29th, 2009 · 11 Comments

So, today Pennsylvania Senator Arlen Spector changed from the Republican to the Democratic party, the spare Airforce One and fighter escort flew low over Manhattan yesterday, scaring the hell out of the populace, there’s a swine flu epidemic (kinda) that appears to have started in Mexico and was brought into the US by Catholic School kids who were in Cancun on Spring Break, but conservatives have been yelling about it being brought in by illegal immegrants, and new memos are coming out every day about the order of torture of prisoners coming from the highest level of the Bush administration, many conservatives now respond that waterboarding isn’t torture, and Katherine Sebilius, the governor of Kansas, was finally confirmed as Secretary of Heath and Human Services after months of delays. Thus, the swine flu tweets sort of happened. If you don’t know what a “bear”,  or a Dirty Sanchez is, well, it’s proably just was well. El Pollo Loco is a Mexican fast food chain. (Or a crazy rooster.)

(Twitter “tweets” are limited to 140 characters.  Most of them are about getting coffee.)

The Swine Flu Tweets

I think Arlen Specter has a great James Bond villain name. He should be the chairman of the Evil Lair Committee and get a white Persian cat.

Know a good place for Arlen Specter’s evil lair would be? Hershey, PA. They’d never see it coming. Piranhas disguised as chocolate bars

I’m going to check Google Earth to see if there’s an unused volcano in Hershey for Specter’s lair. Hershey Volcano, sounds kinda disgusting

Someone suggested Phil Specter could also be in the evil Lair.He could bring the mad scientist hair. (But “Phil” is a lame villain name.)

Swine Flu: Past tense “when pigs fly.”

Mullahs and Rabbis on Swine Flu: “We told you. Wait. What?”

Dick Cheney on Air Force One NYC Flyover terrifying citizens: Fuck, I wish I’d thought of that!

Swine Flu imported by students on Spring Break in Cancun.
Students rethink body shots off the “chunky” stripper.

Pigs on Swine Flu: You should totally
try turkey bacon and ham.

Turkeys respond to Pigs: Bird flu, bitches.
Our bacon sux. Eat tofurkey.

In light of Swine Flu  Tofu Bacon offers service.
Flu victims: We’re not that sick, really.

Authorguy mildly disappointed after  Sebelius’s confirmation: “I thought the Sebelius was a race of hot chicks on Star Trek.”

Baseball crowds fear swine flu.
Hebrew National employees trade high fives.

Swine Flu responds to criticism: “Hey, Salma Hayek started in Mexico too and you’d totally let her in your house.”

Salma Hayek responds to Swine Flu: Si, I am from Mexico, but at least I killed that tweak-freak Quintin Tarintino in Dusk Till Dawn

Pigs respond to Salma Hayek: Ooo, momacita, we will wear a flu mask for you, we will be your infectious carnitas of love

Quintin Tarantino responds to Swine Flu: I hated having to stop talking for a full ten seconds while I was hurling. Want to ride bikes?

Mullahs and Rabbis: “Salma Hayek is totally hawt. Wait, what? No, wait. Swine Flu Sux.”

Swine Flu: “Oh hai. I’m in ur bacon givin u poops.”

Airforce 1 to NYC: “Psyche!”

GOP Senator responds to Mexican swine flu origins: Declares El Pollo Loco should be waterboarded for our safety.

New Health Secretary Sebelius Explains to congress that El Pollo Loco is not a disease. GOP says nevermind on waterboarding.

Michele Malkin declares: El Pollo Loco is a national security risk. Calls for a fence around George Lopez and Salma Hayek.

National Security Surprise: Waterboarded El Pollo Loco declared muy delicioso.

Congresswoman Michele Bachman identified as carrier of swine flu after voluntarily undergoing 83 “Dirty Sanchezs” to prove it’s not torture.

Sean Hannity voluteers to undergo Dirty Sanchez for charity to prove that you can’t get swine flu that way.

Lou Dobbs calls for a fence around Sean Hannity, because otherwise he’ll never get that “Mick bastard to stand still for his Dirty Sanchez.

GOP retracts order to close border to Dirty Sanchez after a visit to, GOP:”But Arlen Specter is still a commie bastard.

Salma Hayek is new national security threat: Homeland security revises threat levels: Red, Orange, Yellow, and Bootilicious

Send Salma Hayek here,” say Berlin Polar bears, only weeks after eating a stupid white girl. “We could go for a little Mexican.”

Salma Hayek surprisingly defeats German Polar bears. Contracts Bear Flu. Big and Tall Store in The Castro becomes deserted wasteland.

Senator Larry Craig declares that he has had the bear flu for simply days. Consulted doctor about an erection lasting more than four hours.

Tofu Declares Victory! “Bird Flu, Swine Flu, Mad Cow, who’s your buddy now? Who’s your disgusting gelatinous buddy?”

Limbaugh files Copyright Suit Against Tofu: “I own the phrase “your disgusting gelatinous buddy.”

Bird Flu, Mad Cow, and Swine Flu revealed as vegan plot. Glenn Beck demands fence built around Vegas.

CDC reveals Swine Flu carried by prairie dogs. Ann Coulter rehinges jaw and settles for ravioli.

CDC reveals resurgent Monkey Pox strain is sexually transmitted. Michael Jackson cancels plans to stay home and blow Bubbles.

Author guy returns to work in shame after 15 year old Michael Jackson joke reference. National Threat level returned to “chillin”.

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11 responses so far ↓

  • 1 Left Of Sean » Chris Moore, Swine Flue, Arlen Specter as James Bonds’ Nemesis… // Apr 29, 2009 at 5:32 am

    […] Enjoy! […]

  • 2 Amanda Dubs // Apr 29, 2009 at 2:11 pm

    Yay for amazingly succesful swine flu tips from the author guy. Salma Hayek is a hotty even with the attention of the swine.

  • 3 Author Lady // Apr 29, 2009 at 5:16 pm

    Friggin Sweet.

  • 4 Store Chick // Apr 29, 2009 at 7:21 pm

    I’ve always thought there was something a bit off about that Arlen Specter, but then I’m from Ohio & PA. is like a whole other country. Just cross the state line and see what I mean.

  • 5 Ricky Nelson (Not that one) // May 1, 2009 at 10:03 am

    You know, for a guy who doesn’t understand Twitter you are quickly becoming my reason for keeping an account. Its not enough to just follow you on Twitter. I have to have your tweets sent to my phone so I can laugh repeatedly throughout my work day. Thanks!

  • 6 rosechimera // May 7, 2009 at 7:55 pm

    Damn it! Why will nobody tell me what a “Dirty Sanchez” is?! Spill it people, right here and now. This worse than when I was 8 & asked why Brook Shields was bleeding in “Blue Lagoon” and the room went dead quiet and nobody would say.

  • 7 rosechimera // May 7, 2009 at 8:05 pm

    Jesus Christ in a hand basket! I hope wikipedia was just trying to make me lose my dinner. No matter how the mystery compels you, leave this one alone.

  • 8 Charlie // May 13, 2009 at 1:29 pm

    Wouldn’t the past tense of tweet be twat? As in I just Twated?

  • 9 Trackbacks « The Life and Times of a Middle-Class Vagrant // Jun 10, 2009 at 2:10 pm

    […] blog has pointed out a few rather humorous references on the actual worldwide Pandemic. Twitter. Possibly related posts: (automatically generated)Grab info from the web with Google NotebookSo […]

  • 10 Flu Mask // Jul 13, 2009 at 12:57 pm

    Wow, I’ve never seen posts like this on Twitter.. those are great 😛

  • 11 Emily // Aug 14, 2010 at 12:32 pm

    So 50+yr old men aren’t any more mature than 18yr old boys? bummer! Haha

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