Christopher Moore's Blog

Some examples of my theory that almost any situation can be improved by the addition of some delicious cheesy goldfish crackers.

“Sorry about your Mom. Beautiful service. Goldfish Cracker?”

“Sure, my plane is plunging out of the sky at 600 mph., but these cheesy goldfish are very tasty, and in the event that we survive, we’re going to need sustenance. “

“And that brings me to you, Lion. Son, you will always be a great big wuss, but as you cower in fear of flying monkeys, take comfort in these tasty goldfish crackers.”

“Now we are going to torture you by placing electrodes on your testicles, so you might want a handful of these tasty goldfish crackers before we start.”

“Yes, the Fucktard as been elected for a second term. Perhaps some goldfish crackers?”

“Ah, yes Fortunato, I am going to wall you up in there, but if you look in the corner by that bottle of amontillado, you’ll find a whole bag of tasty goldfish crackers.”

“No, Bob, it’s not how it looks. I accidental dropped a goldfish cracker on my penis and Melody was snapping it up before it fell on the floor and the dog got it. Come on, I was you your best man! Here, have the rest of the goldfish crackers, I insist.”

“No, Dude, we’re not taking away your civil liberties, we’re trading you for them. Here’s your goldfish crackers. Should I pimp my robe with stripes like Renquist did?”

“They aren’t just piranha, Mr. Bond, they’re Wisconsin piranha, with a special taste for cheese products. You’ll never get across that moat wearing those Gouda boxers without distracting them. So I’m going to leave you to your fate now, with just this bowl of goldfish crackers.”

“Hi, welcome to the Perky Gerbil, I’m Brett, I’ll be your herder tonight. Just handcuff yourself to the bar, enjoy some delicious cheesy goldfish crackers, and we’ll get started in a jiffy.”

“No Billy, Mr. Snuggles is fine. We took him to live on a farm where he can run in the fields and eat goldfish crackers all day long.” “Well, technically you’re not supposed to eat anything twelve hours before heart transplant surgery, but I think we can look the other way for a few goldfish crackers.”

“Sorry, retard, this is Texas, you are hereby sentenced to death by lethal injection. What would you like as your last snack?”

“Have a seat Mr. Johnson and we’ll begin the audit. Help yourself to the goldfish crackers.”

“She’ll live, but she’ll always be in a persistent vegetative state and have to be fed through a tube – so, you know — more goldfish crackers for you!”

“Yeah, Kazlowski, I know. I used to be the sweetheart of cellblock B my own self. Know what’ll get that taste out your mouth? Some delicious goldfish crackers. Come on back to my cell, I got some hid with my shivs.”

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