Christopher Moore's Blog

So, I’ve been traveling around England, researching a new book, and I haven’t been able to get a decent internet connection until tonight, but I wanted to share with you some things I’ve learned so far. I’ll get some pictures up in the next couple of days.

WHAT I HAVE LEARNED IN ENGLAND

1. The Underground is clean and easy. There is a guy who helps you if you are dumb and American. There are minimal crazy people on the trains. 2.People tend to be polite, but seem a bit amused by Americans. 3.Restrooms are small but very private. There’s no space above or below the stall door. It is, essentially, a toilet closet. Which explains a lot. They are called loos. 4. They serve mushrooms and grilled tomatoes with breakfast. 5.Cheese is good. 6. Coffee is strong. 7. The elevators talk. This is a little irritating. 8. They drive on the left side of the road because it makes it easier to run over Americans. 9. Some service people seem a little embarrassed when you try to tip them, but squirrels in London feel that you owe them treats. 10.The waiter will never bring the check unless you ask for it. It would be like asking you to leave. They will bring you a cot and a wubby so you can sleep well, but they won’t bring the bill. 11.The English are still a little pissed off about William the Conqueror — largely because he made them French. 12. Sweaters are called jumpers. People who jump up and down continuously are called sweaters. 13.The English leave their history lying around everywhere for you to trip over. 14.When shopping for houses in England, expect to pay more for a place with a sun room or a moat. 15. At the "London Streets of the 1800s" living exhibit, it’s frowned upon to ask if you can hack up a tart or two. 16. "Cockles and mussels, alive, alive ho," does not mean what I thought it did. 17.The English had a civil war in the 1600s. It was the Puritans, led by Oliver Cromwell, vs. Charles the 1st and the aristocrats. The Puritans won and cut off Charles’ head. Nevertheless, there were Charleses two through five, so the war was really pointless. In America we have addressed the difference between Puritans and the Aristocracy by making them the same people. 18. The British are pissed off at us for cocking up a perfectly good prime minister. 19. The answer to any Jeopardy question involving British architecture is "Christopher Wren". 20. English food is not as bad as they say, especially Thai. 21.Turns out that we stole many of our place names from England. They have a York, a Jersey, and a Hampshire. We just put "New" in front of them. 22.It is nearly impossible to order "spotted dick" in a restaurant without snickering. I didn’t have any better luck ordering a plaid vagina either. 23. There is no castle at Newcastle and it’s not new. There is a piece of Hadrian’s wall, which is not worth a handful of goat drool. 24.Much of the English countryside is strewn with sheep. They have programs for cleaning them up. 25. In Scotland, Scotch Tape is just called tape. 26. Scottish people can understand you, but you cannot understand them. The only thing you know how to say in their language is, "She kinna take warp nine for long, Cap’n."

More later, with pictures, but I have to go look at a pile of rocks.