Christopher Moore's Blog

The Used Cars of Government

A Ford dealer in Virgina is advertising that they are selling John Kerry’s used Hybrid SUV, trying to get more money because of the notoriety. Here are a few more cars owned by political celebrities that are one the market:

Carl Rove’s 2006 Ford Tarus, Low Miles, minor brimstone burns in seat covers, fumigation has made the weasel odor nearly undetectable.

Dick Morris’s 2005 Jaguar XP – Leased return. Minor slime stains on driver seat and steering wheel. Lot’s of extras, including dead hooker in trunk.

Hillary Clinton’s Ford F-250 Dually Ambulance — seats 300 million. Room to hang 50 pants suits.

John McCain’s 2003 Hummer H2 – perfect running order except right blinker is stuck on and GPS forgets where it’s going. Special on-board "pee-buddy" lavoratoy attachment to minimize rest stops. Cannot be licensed in South Carolina. AM radio does not function, but instead makes "la, la,la,la I can’t hear you" sound when tuned to talk stations.

Mike Huckabee’s – 1993 Dodge Ram Pick-up – fuel system converted run on wood and human body fat due to previous owners disbelief that dinosaurs existed and therefore could decay into petroleum. Special radiator modified for boiling squirrels. Owner’s manual rewritten to match the Bible. (Note: Oil viscosity and tire pressure recommendations can be found in Leviticus, after section on how to clean the remains of adulterers and shellfish eaters out of the tire treads.)

Barack Obama’s 2004 Buick Century – Hybrid engine modified to run on hope with charm back-up. Not really practical, but dammit, you just feel like it will get you where you’re going…

George Bush’s 2005 Ford F-150 Pick-up. Tons of special features. ½ miles to gallon, no clean air attachments, bulletproof glass, automatic transmission shifter denotes, D-Go, R-Backwards, P-Okay, you can get out now. "Breathe" "George" spelled out in big letters on visor. Special four-wheel drive system lubricated with the crushed, burnt bodies of Iraqi babies (it’s okay, they hated our freedom).