Bon Jour, le bitches, it is I, your professeur, Sac Poubelle, with some observations from the Bastille Farmers’ market, and your first French lesson.
But you say, “Mais mon ami, Sac, your French is, how you say, shit, how can you you teach us?”
You see, my little love piggies, I have been doing the writing for many years, and it is my experience that as soon as a person can string seven words together, they begin to teach creative writing, so how can French be different? Trés brilliant, no?
Commencé
First, let us look around the Market:
Even as they sell their wares, the vendors, especially the butchers, are harvesting “the crop” for the next market.
There are so many markets in Paris, that you need only shop for the day….
All around, people are arriving in their quaint and deadly cars:
And there are many places to eat around the Place Bastille:
There are many crafts and objects d’art as well as foods
And the square is dotted with pitchmen touting the latest gadget:
And customers who can’t wait to try their wares…
And vendors demonstrating the amazing effects of their products:
Now, let us look around the market and learn some useful fucking French words:
A Juggler and some fish, can you tell which is which?
Singers:
Fish:
A Dog:
The Dog is Bored
Now let’s look at some hats. See if you can guess what colors they are:
A good way to remember the word for yellow, is to think of your alcoholic uncle Eddie, who is “jaundiced”
A good way to remember the word for pink, is how rosey auntie Estelle’s cheeks were after you walked in on her in the bedroom while she was playing with her very special flashlight. In French, the word “rose”, is pronounced with several “d” sounds. Like this “rrrrdddoodddesdds”. Now you try it.
Ah, many hats. Could this be the plural word?
Remember “blanc” is white, by thinking of a blank page, and that blanche is feminine for white, by thinking of Blanche Dubois, from A Streetcar Named Desire, who was– yes, that’s right, a crazy white woman.
But what is this?
That’s right, mon petite chatons d’amor, “sans” means “no fucking hat” aux le Francais. You are so clever.
Now, let us combine some of what we have learned:
That’s right, a hat with fish. Did you feel tricked? Are you sore? Did you check for your wallet?
Let us review some colors, because I like this picture of flower pots.
I know that bleu was new to you, but here is an easy way to remember it: it’s friggin blue, pronounced bloo. Don’t be dense, chers, it is how you say? annoying. Ah, but I cannot stay angry with you.
Now, let us explore some more advanced concepts in French.
The concept of “into it”. Regard:
Can you tell which person is “into it”?
Let us try again. Can you tell which person is “totally into it”? :
If you guessed the American in the vest, you were right. The vest serves two purposes, to identify the American to pickpockets in the Metro, and to keep the thief busy checking all his pockets until he reaches his stop. It’s good manners to put a cigarette in each pocket for the thieves and beggars. Much the way you leave cookies and milk out for Santa at Christmas. This is a Christian tradition and is loved the world over. Muslims wearing similar vests, however, are often shunned on the Metro and sometimes hurt feelings result. Be a bon homme, or a mench, as they say in the Middle East: if you see them, smile and steal their shit. If they are in a burkha, it’s okay to feel around a little to see if they are wearing a vest. Just be sure to say “sil vous plait”, and “Allah Akbar”, as that is the polite thing to do, and in fact, is a good idea any time you’re feeling someone up on the Metro.
Let’s try it again. Can you tell who is into it? Very into it? And not into it all all?
If you guessed that the dick head wasn’t into it, you are absolutely correct. Perhaps he just doesn’t like juggling.
Now, mon amis, it’s smile time:
Plural?
Compare and contrast. Who is smiling?
Oh, very good, my dirty monkeys, very good. Trés bon! Now it is time for you to rest until next time. Now, put on your clothes and go home. Sac needs to smoke and, how you say, blaspheme le toute monde.
I leave you with a surprise:
Ha, not what you expected, no? That is why they call it a surprise. Save the towel, the olive oil, and the noose for next time, mon fluffy hamsters.
This is Sac Poubelle, saying, Bon Journee!
20 responses so far ↓
1 Mark Pentleton // Aug 26, 2009 at 4:13 am
MDR! – mort de rire = “dead of laughing” = LOL en français.
Hope you’re not trying to steal my job though… prof de français and all that.
Bonne continuation!
2 Marjorie // Aug 26, 2009 at 4:19 am
Zut! Les pauvres petits poissions, enfermés dans cette carafe d’eau.
3 antoine (en Francais!) // Aug 26, 2009 at 4:31 am
I laughed mon derriere (who can spell French anyway?? Too many extra letters. Hors de ouvers! pft!) off.
4 Bomaus // Aug 26, 2009 at 5:06 am
Merci, ma petite poisson rouge. You manage to make me laugh every day!
5 IdiotCroissant // Aug 26, 2009 at 6:35 am
Bon Jour French speaking author guy!
If I know the lyrics to Lady Marmalade, does that mean I speak French?
Voulez vous cu she avec moi, say schwa, voulez vous cu she avec moi–Yeh Yeh! Yeh! Yeh!
6 Professeur Anglais // Aug 26, 2009 at 7:10 am
Bonjour!
As I get ready to teach Anglais again this year, thank you for many laughs (“tete de dick” a personal favorite) this morning… mais j’ai besoin de retourner au travail.
7 ChefShonna // Aug 26, 2009 at 7:29 am
*snicker* doncha hate those tetes de dicks? I know I do. They’ve usually got the impression that their merde has no smell. Ass-chapeaux.
Ooh, I’m digging this franglais!
8 amy lynn // Aug 26, 2009 at 7:38 am
You forgot “merde!” 🙂 Didn’t you learn the cuss words first in middle school french class?
This was very funny – and i actually have an alcoholic uncle, so i appreciate that help with “jaune”. Thank you for the mort de rire this morning! 😀 You always cheer me up!
9 Clayton // Aug 26, 2009 at 8:42 am
Your photobucket account is fuxored.
10 Judi // Aug 26, 2009 at 9:47 am
Sacre bleu! Photobucket Pro is only like $25 a year.
11 gretchenfaith // Aug 26, 2009 at 11:46 am
I am laughing. Hard. I have in, fact, snorted Diet Dr. Pepper all over myself. This is the price I pay to be your fan.
I am feeling like maybe that whole Bachelor’s Degree in French might have been a collosal waste of time, though.
12 Sara Leigh // Aug 26, 2009 at 12:31 pm
Très amusant, monsieur! Ça me dilate la!
13 Amy // Aug 26, 2009 at 1:04 pm
i always thought i was speaking french as long as I put on my reedeeckyuluz accent!
14 Brenda Blackwelder // Aug 26, 2009 at 3:35 pm
Tres bon lecion! (?)
15 JenT // Aug 26, 2009 at 11:34 pm
Now I haz a happy and it’s all your fault!!
16 Joannajax // Aug 29, 2009 at 11:40 pm
Muy bien!
I don’t speak French… so I’ll just comment in another foreign language I do know!
Jajajajaja!
17 Chrissy // Aug 30, 2009 at 2:57 am
That was much more fun than any French lesson I’ve taken. I look forward to more captioned photographs…especially of Shawn and Gus. 🙂
18 Caroline // Sep 2, 2009 at 3:20 pm
I read that whole post with a horrible “French” accent. It’s even better with it, because you try and pronounce a French word and you just mumble something and pretend you just said the word. Haha! 😀
19 k // Oct 29, 2009 at 10:57 am
YOU are priceless. You belong at the Louvre’! From Ohio, good day.
20 Snarp. . . .& Sgulp in D.C. // Mar 26, 2010 at 6:11 pm
You are a treasure! Thanks!
I found your blog while researching for a live blog entry I posted today, Friday, March 26, 2010 at StephanieMiller.com . All very tongue in cheek of course. The quote in my post references some movie clip that I have only heard on the show. I don’t know what movie its from, I think the speaker is Elliot Gould, or sounds like him.
Anyway, if you love laughs, check out Stephanie Miller’s radio show and site.
Submitted for your approval, here’s the post:
Snarp. . . .& Sgulp in D.C. says:
March 26, 2010 at 5:38 am
<>
God, I hate The French! “For as long as I can remember, the French have been f*cking us!” 🙂
For example, words: how come The French get to have all the good words?
Case in point: Rendezvous. Rendez-vous. Present yourself! (at a certain place and time). Ronald Reagan said “You and I have a rendezvous with destiny!” Dammit, he used French. So I have to renounce and denounce Ronald Reagan. Sorry, I have to.
Entrepreneur. A business person. Somehow, it doesn’t mean the same thing when translated to “undertaker” or “middle-man”. Loses something in the translation, as the saying goes.
Chevrolet. You know, I thought I was buying American when I bought my car. Goddamit, I was pissed when I found out that my car was French! Had to wreck that car and throw it away just to teach those GD frogs a GD lesson.
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