Christopher Moore's Blog

It’s that time again, when all your questions are answered by a real professional, Author guy who has no practical life experience and instead sits in a office all day making little black marks appear on a screen…

Katarina Navane Writes with several questions.

1. how much wood would a wood chuck chuck if a wood chuck could chuck wood?

Answer: Of course it depends on the size of the wood chuck, but I think given and average size woodchuck, he or she should be able to chuck about a thirty cubic feet of wood per hour.

2. Should i (try to) read Don Quixote?

Answer: Yes. You should definitely try to read Don Quixote, but if you find you can’t make it through, grab one of the Norton Anthologies of World Literature from a used bookstore (or used online book store) and read the condensed version there. It’s a cultural literacy issue, KN. You need to know about storming the windmills, the word Quixotic (and picaresque), Sancho Panza — it goes on. You will encounter references to Don Quixote throughout your life, having read the book will give meaning to the references and allow you to use such allusions and references with authority, to the complete embarrassment and ownage of lesser beings. That said, it’s a fucking huge book, so the condensed version as well as some analysis may serve you just as well.

One side note: In Bloodsucking Fiends Tommy names his Volvo Rosenante, which is the name of Don Quixote’s horse, which translates to “Hack”. A lot of layers of literary allusion to go through to get to that little bit of irony (since Tommy wants to be a great writer — hack — get it?). Not that it takes anything away from the story if you didn’t know that, but still, it kind of reinforces the point that you should read D.Q. (No not Dairy Queen, you git. Don’t make me come over there.)

3. Should a wood chuck try to read Don Quixote?

Answer: No. Rodents and epic novels do not mix.

4. What are you afraid of? And don’t say something rational like “Time” I want to know the irrational ones, like “cucumbers”

Answer: Well, I was fine, but now that you mention it, cucumbers are kind of scary in the wrong context. I’m also very superstitious about the thirteenth of the month and Friday the 13th in particular. Used to be that I wouldn’t fly on the 13th, but it got where I couldn’t indulge that particular superstition and go on book tour, so I let it go. It comes not from some arbitrary fear, but from the fact that I totaled two cars on two Friday the 13ths. No kidding.

5. what is your favorite hiccup remedy? I’ve had the hiccups (on and off) for five days now. They’ll go away, and then come back an hour or so later. giant hiccups that make my stomach hurt, too. It sucks.

Answer: Gotta go with holding the breath. And you have to keep trying it. It works as well as anything else, which seems to be not at all.

Fan Girl Writes: Hey Author Guy,

What does the “YKK” displayed in zippers stand for?

Answer: It stands for the YKK fastener company.

This is from their web site: YKK was founded in Japan as a zipper manufacturing company in 1934 by Tadao (pronounced in English as Tah-dah-o) Yoshida. In the early years, Mr. Yoshida’s company carried his name; it was called Yoshida Kogyo Kabushikikaisha–or “YKK” for short. (That long Japanese name translates roughly into English as “Yoshida Company Limited.”) Over the years, the letters “YKK” were stamped onto the zippers’ pull tabs, and thus YKK became known as the Company’s trademark. Today, the name of the brand is also the name of the company: YKK Corporation.

MooreFanInKY writes: Dear AG,

Do you read any comic books? Also would you ever want to adapt any of your novels to comic books?

Answer: I don’t read comic books, although I did when I was a little kid. I liked Sgt. Rock and Jeb Stuart and the Haunted Tank, as well as Spiderman. I sort of switched over to Mad magazine about fifth grade and never went back to comics except to visit. I’d love to see my stuff done in graphic novel form, however.

Jaandlu writers:

Hey Chris, Why does Catfish play through a Marshall? A Fender Prinston or Twin seems more classic blues man to me. But I assume you have a very good reason for using the Marshall. Maybe a hero of yours played through one? And what model Marshall? Finally do I have OCD because that bugs me? Alot. I’ll get over it but I think it’s going to take alot of therapy. I seriously need to hear the back story on Catfishs’ Amp.

Answer: Two words: Jimi Hendrix. I was thinking loud, not authentic. You’re right, a Fender Twin would be more authentic to a Blues man. Give me credit for keeping the National Steel Guitar. My editor kept wanting me to cut it to steel guitar because she thought I was advertising for National. I had to explain a couple of times why those two things aren’t the same.

Stackyroo42 writes in with several questions:

Why do girls always drop their friends when they get a boyfriend?

Answer: Because they are useless tramps with no self-worth outside their value to a man. Or, if not, that’s how they’re behaving, which is sort of the same thing, isn’t it.

How much should I be feeding my 9 month old Golden Retriever/Newfoundland cross per day?

Answer: Four cups of puppy chow or one medium Dominos sausage pizza.

Who coined the phrase “The birds and the bees” and why?

Answer: Cole Porter, in the song, Let’s Fall in Love. “Birds do it. Bees do it. Even monkey’s in the trees, do it. Let’s do it. Let’s fling some poo.”

How should I go about getting rid of snails in my garden?

Answer: I like using a shotgun, but that’s just me. But only a .410. A twelve gauge is overkill and unsporting for snails.

Do you like Led Zeppelin?

Answer: I like the song Boogie with Stu. Other than that, I find them kind of irritating.

Jilly axes:

Which one of us would you say has to be the most annoying person on the board, outside of Kitty and myself, of course? Who is the hottest (remember this is a trick question), who is the smartest and who is the most congenial?

Answer: Think Insane

Plastique Jesus writes: American Idol. Why? Hick hop (oohhh…believe me, it’s coming). Why? Steve Martin as Pink Panther. Why? Why do we swallow all of this bad art? I’m beginning to sympathize with Osama, and hate our “freedom”.

Answer: I’ve never watched American Idol or any of the other “we pluck you from the crowd and make you a celebrity” shows. Put it this way, if there was no demand, there would be no supply. Just like George Bush, the War in Iraq, and Hope and Faith: If the American public wasn’t buying crap, no one would be selling.

Hick hop? Of course. Jeff Foxworthy is now touted as the most successful comedian of all time. He’s sold more comedy albums than anyone – by giving Rednecks a set of parameters to define themselves — and let’s not forget that Carlin and Cosby have been doing it for forty years. (Don’t get me wrong, I think Foxworthy is a talented and funny guy, but damn – the most successful comedian of all time?!)

Nascar, Toby Keith, and again, George Bush: the majority of the American Public LIKES the idea of being unsophisticated, nationalistic, violent, and just plain stupid. They pride themselves on the ability to be able to pair-up and breed, as if it were some sacred rite even when it can be performed in a pick-up truck, a petri dish, or by rodents. Of course they would co-opt the artifices of hip-hop, and how convenient that much of the content is already, ignorant, violent, and misogynist — now all they need to do is add Jesus and the Flag and we got ourselves a party. “Back up that badonkadonk for Jayzus, biatch.”

Steve Martin as Clousseau? The guy does great physical comedy, and he’s the only big name comedian that does. Martin Short would probably be brilliant, but I don’t see him carrying a movie of that ambition. (That’s not me talking, that’s the way they think in Hollywood.) Roberto Bennini tried it, but he was hurt by the fact that his outrageously accented English is actually outrageously accented English.

Goudron writes:

So what’s the homeless scene really like in Hawaii?

Answer: Well, on my island, it’s very poor Filipino people living in corrugated metal shacks, cooking on open fires, and living off odd jobs and fruit they find in the jungle — or, it’s white Rasta people camping at the beach until they are told to move on, then sleeping in their cars until they can find another place to pitch a tent. Honolulu is a city, however, and it’s different there.

There are a lot of working homeless who live on the beach until they can put the money together for a deposit on an apartment or find some roommates. There’s a huge ebb and flow of young people coming and going from the islands all the time, trying to figure a way to just surf and live the good life. Many of them will spend some of their time here living outdoors. The truth of it is, though, it sucks to be poor anywhere. It just might not suck as much that it’s not cold.

Dan writes:

Dear Mr. Author Guy, What mode of transportation do you prefer? Planes, trains, automobile, bike, foot, etc.

Answer: Sort of depends on how far I’m going. Planes if I have some leg room and a long way to go. Trains if I’m just going a few hundred miles and I want to get some work done. Car if I’m around home. And on foot, bus, or street car if I’m in a city. (I don’t like the subway. I’ve never gotten used to it.)

Question: Also, is there any moment too late to say you’re sorry, or a moment in time that too late to reconnect? (I’ve done a fair amount of screwing up in my life – whoopsie)?

Answer: It’s never too late to say your sorry if you don’t mind your apology not being accepted, and if you don’t’ expect absolution. Thus, it can very well be too late to reconnect. You apologize because you have wronged people and they need to hear it, but more often you apologize because you need to perform and act of contrition. No growth can occur without it. You doom yourself to remain the same dumbass that you’ve always been. Resistance to apology is something that fathers seem to pass on to sons, as if apologizing is some sort of failure, as if admitting that you whave been wrong is a sign of weakness. This is a curse on our sons, not a blessing. It results in hard-headed, narrow-minded, self-centered, dishonest, frustrated, unhappy men who carry on with nothing to value in themselves except a stubborn consistency and a bullying nature.

Finally, what is your preferred drink? Answer: I like coffee.

Here’s the toad on my deck eating the cat’s food.

“Hey, do something, you’ve got thumbs!”

Emergency Dance Party Used to break an akward moment, or just in times of boredom. One simply yells emergency dance party and counts down from five and starts beat boxing. Everyone there starts dancing for a period of about ten-thirty seconds.

So then i whipped it out… cough…um, emergency dance party! Five, four, three, two, one!

The visual of someone doing this completely cracked me up, so I had to share with you guys. If you don’t already, you should subscribe to Urban Dictionary’s Word of the Day. I’ve already used some of their selections in the new book. Like toast whore (one who has an obsessive love of toast), skank bank (a bar where men go because the women there are such sluts), Galactic Toss Monkey (professional novelist) and I’m still looking to plug in the phrase: sweet zombie Jesus on a pogo stick. It’ll happen.

Hey kids, I don’t normally use the blog for this kind of announcement, but this is something we all can use and I wanted it where it would get the most eyes.

Google toolbar will add a spell checker to your browser for free. I’ve used Google tool bar for a long time, and it basically just puts a little Google window up in the upper left of your browser so you can search no matter what you have open, but now it has this new Spell Check feature, as well as dictionary and thesaurus functions.

You can download it here:

http://toolbar.google.com/?promo=mor-tb-en

It takes about a minute to install. I will miss making jokes about “labotomies” and such, but since I’m one of the worst spellers on the board, I suppose it’s a fair trade off.

Another fascinating exchange with the guy who is too exhausted to come up with ideas for the blog. You’re questions answered…

Lib axes:

Dear AG, What is the strangest thing that has happened to you while you were on a book tour?

Dear Lib: Showing up at a book store in Chicago to sign stock and having them card me before bringing the books out to have me sign them. The fact that they had asked me to be there, and that my media escort had called ahead to tell them I was coming, and that they had a hundred or so books with my picture on it notwithstanding, it was really strange. (I left without signing the books. We’d gone way out of our way to get there and were going to be late for a signing because of it and I was pissed.)

I’ve had a lot of funny stuff happen, like a whole group of women showing up with oven mitts taped on their hands(after a scene in Lust Lizard), or people having me sign really strange stuff (jeans, shirts, oven mitts, Prozac prescription bottles, copies of Faulkner novels, various body parts, a pastrami on rye sandwich — stuff like that.)

Bellasong writes: hi just curious as to what do you do when you’re in a funk and nothing seems to get you out of it, not even your favorite ice cream, not the Yankees winning or even Dave Chappell repeats?

ANS: For me, cheesy horror movies in mass quantity until I fall asleep helps, but as reluctant as I am to admit it, sometimes going to the water will do it. Being in and around the ocean gives you perspective, and reminds you just how insignificant you are. Why that makes me feel better, I have no idea, but it does. That said, I almost always resist the idea that it will work, and instead I brood a lot. (If I’d been born twenty years later I’d definitely have been a Goth or emo kid. )

Mr. Kismet axes:

If a man from, say, 1870 time-traveled to our present, what do you think would kill him first? a) the pollution in our air and water? b) the additives and preservatives in our food? c) the massive assault of information and mass media? d) Other.

Esteemed Kismet: I’d have to go with other, and I’d guess that it would be microbial. The reason is, that while this guy would have immunity to a lot of stuff that would kill us ( just by virtue of the less that exemplar sanitation of his time), he wouldn’t have immunity to many of the bugs that our systems take for granted. Who knows, he might have a bite of yogurt and keel over from active culture. The other things you mentioned, it would seem to me, wouldn’t necessarily kill him, but they’d definitely stress the bejeezus out of him, and that usually compromises the immune system. That’s if he’s a white guy. If he’s a Black or Hispanic he’d probably be killed in Iraq by a car bomb.

dredygrrl writes:

So, my friend has this theory that when you get a song stuck in your head from out of nowhere, chances are someone earlier was in that spot singing that song with either such passion and exuberance or such disgust that they left the energy of that moment wherever it happened. You happened to be walking along and you walk into that spot where the person singing was earlier and the energy transferred into you. She also believes when people dream their souls intermingle and that’s where people get that weird deja vu feeling from someone they’ve never met before, because they’ve already met in the dreamworld. Think there’s any validity to either or these?

The Author Guy responds: These are the kind of theories that are generated when people sit around getting baked, and aren’t really concerned with applying their thoughts to reality, but more on sailing away on an amusing notion. I am not one to sink anyone’s ship to the promised land, so sail on. Interesting notions, unprovable, and irrelevant, but fun. One could write some fun stories based on those theories, particularly the latter one.

That said, there’s a good chance that your friend is a complete loon.

Conrad7784 writes:

Author Guy, What is the deal with nougat? It is different in every candy bar it’s in? Where does nougat come from? What does it have to do with the three musketeers? This has puzzled me for years. thanks

Answer: Because the mysterious woman with whom I live is a first class pastry chef in her spare time, I actually know what nougat is. Technically, it’s sugar, butter, egg whites, and nuts. It came from Italy originally. (And the Three Musketeers are French, so what’s up with that?) You’re right, though, it differs from candy bar to candy bar, and what one calls nougat, another calls caramel. (Carmel is just sugar and butter — you can add some cream if you want, and you can get a pretty nougatty texture to it. ) It’s sort of amazing that it can be such simple ingredients and still come out with so many textures, but at least it’s not totally disgusting, like finding out that Oreo cream filling is basically lard and confectioners sugar. For my money, the beige stuff in a Snickers is the real deal in nougat. That’s why there are always people eating Snickers in my books.

If I was forced on live on one food group I think I would choose the pizza/nougat group.

SGT Steve Writes:

So AG – What’s the best book-to-movie transition you’ve seen, and what was it that made it work so well?

Dear Sgt: To Kill a Mockingbird. I love the book and I love the movie, and I can’t separate the images of one from images of the other. It was masterfully adapted, directed, and played. I’m sure I saw the movie before I read the book, so that may have set it in my mind.

I actually liked Bladerunner and The Firm better in movie form than in book form, and back in the day, I liked Where Eagles Dare and The Guns of Navarone better in movie form as well.

Space 93 writes:

Dear AG:

Who is the most annoying person on television, fictional or non-? Must be on television within a Week of your answer.

Dear Space: Non-fictional: Sean Hannity Fictional: Britney Spears

Also: Finally, what DVD do you think should be in every DVD collection on Earth?

And the AG responds: Ideally, the ten hour HBO mini-series Lamb, or as we like to call it, Christopher Moore’s, Lamb. But since that’s sort of a long shot …

Amelie’

Just because it’s so pretty to look at and seems universal in it’s ability to make people smile.

Until next time. Adieu.

Got my hair cut today.

The woman said, “I don’t want to use the clippers because it might make it too short. I’ll used the shears to take off your wootas.

I said, “What’s a woota?”

She said,” You know, when your hair goes, wooota thisaway, and wooota thataway.”

Later she said, “Now I need to clip your ta-nangs.”

Charlee said, “What’s a ta-nang?”

The lady said, “Dat’s a woota what go da udder way.”

I added “wootas” and “tanangs” to Urbandictionary.com. 🙂

Answers, answers, answers…

Kathi Sircy writes: It happens to be “raining cats and dogs” here at the moment. Why is it that this is how we express it? Why not “it’s raining macaroni and cheese” or something else?

Dear Kathy: Because it does rain macaroni and cheese in the Italian alps (no, it does, I knew someone who went there once, that’s why raincoats are yellow, so they don’t show the cheese stains, I swear to fucking God, that’s the truth), so it is actually a description of a weather event, not a metaphor.

The expression “raining cats and dogs” comes from the middle ages, from a time when people would sling their slop buckets and piss pots out the window into the street. Often, a pedestrian walking along in the morning would be in danger of being hit by the jetsam from the apartment dwellers above, and it became custom to carry an umbrella even in the best of weather. When the “chunks” of the effluvia thumped on their umbrella an English gentleman might be heard commenting: “I say, the precipitation seems a bit particular in nature this morning, it must be raining cats and dogs.” To which another passer-by, hit by one of the many dead whores who had died during the night and was flung out the window, might say, “Maybe on that side of the street it is, but it’s hailing fucking rhinoceroses over here.

Fangirl writes: I live in New Jersey and it is rather expensive to live here but I hear that is is even more expensive to live in Hawaii. Is this true?

Dear Fangirl:

Okay, I know why it’s expensive to live in Hawaii, and I know why people pay so much to live here. What’s the story with New Jersey? Is it just the high cost of mob protection? (You realize that the New Jersey state youth anthem, Born to Run, is about leaving the state, right?)

DanSRose writes.

1- Why is Nascar considered a sport and why is it so popular?

Because the audience can relate to it. While most of us will never throw a ninty-five mile an hour fastball, or return a punt for a hundred yard touchdown, there’s a good bet that even with a bag full of cheetos in our lap and a beverage the size of a wastebasket in the cup holder, we can still make a left turn. Remember that stock car racing evolved from moonshine runners who would drive their hooch all over the South in fast, “stock”-looking cars, that were highly modified so they could outrun the local police. So basically, you have a sport that was invented by, and for, criminally drunk people. That’s the appeal.

2- What is your view on using medications for mental illnesses versus traditional “lie on the couch and talk about about mother” therapy?

“Mental illness” encompasses a wide spectrum of conditions. Some, like schizophrenia are never going to respond to therapy, while depression can sometimes be overcome by talk therapy or a simple change of circumstances. For conditions of that sort, medication can help someone become receptive to therapy. While I’ve been “clinically depressed” myself in the past, and I wouldn’t hesitate for a second to take the drugs if I recognized the need, I think that depression is often a symptom of changes that one actually needs to make, and just taking the drugs may mask something that could be overcome with some analysis and determination. (I didn’t see a doctor of any kind when I went through my “dark period”, but I did end up using A.A. as a kind of therapy, and I also threw myself into my work, which at the time, wasn’t as isolating as my work is as a writer, so I was out there interacting with people all day, every day. )

I think the worst part of drug therapy is that most therapeutic psychotropic drugs can’t really be used recreationally. I mean, take a whole handful of Prozac – no buzz. You might not want to have sex for a year or so, but you feel okay about it. Therefore no matter how many of your friends are on anti-depressants, the only way it benefits you is to save you from those late-night suicide calls where their like, “I can’t go on,” and you’re thinking, “Shit, there is nothing in the fridge.” But you go, “No, that wasn’t a yawn. That was a gasp. Did you already take the painkillers? All of them. What were they? Percoset? Sweet. So there’s none left at all, right?”

That said, I think it’s good therapy to lie on the couch and talk about someone else’s mother. Like:

Doc, you’re momma so ugly that they push her face into dough to make gorilla cookies. But not only that, your momma so nasty that when I called her for phone sex I got an ear infection. In addition, your momma’s glasses so thick, when she look at a map she see people waving back.

Well, I, for one, feel better. Keep the drugs.

An unidentified guest axes:

1. Do vegetarians eat animal crackers? I say yes.

Me too. And they should bite their heads off first and snarl. It will be good for them.

2. Is it proper etiquette to have songs by Air Supply and by Slipknot in the iTunes/iPod playlist, or is this just socially unacceptible?

I think that anything that kind of fucks with people but doesn’t really hurt them, should be considered proper etiquette.

Lauren writes: Once upon a time, I learned never to order New England Clam Chowder outside of New England. You’re pretty well-traveled – can you think of any other “regional dishes” that should never, ever be ordered outside of their region? Or, conversely, is there any place that does a dish better than its origin.

That’s sort a specific question. I know that there are at least a dozen cities in the US who claim to have the best bar-be-que, and I’ve eaten bar-be-que at most of them and you know what? It always tastes like meat cooked over fire. Don’t get me wrong, I like meat cooked over fire, but if you’re really trying, and you fuck that up, you need to get out of the business. News flash: Everyone has good bar-b-que. Also, the beans and coleslaw are the same. (Watch, a dozen people will write and go, Nu-uh, Kansas City, Nu-uh, Austin, Nu-uh Santa Maria. Pinto beans and cabbage are pinto beans and cabbage.

Okay, one thing I have noticed is you probably should eat what they catch, farm, or make in the area that you’re in. Don’t try to carry your own food quirks with you. (Remember John Kerry being accused of being an out-of-touch elitist because he ordered a green tea in Ohio?) I went to Montana with a film director once, scouting locations for a Coyote Blue movie that never got made, and he kept trying to eat like he did in Los Angeles. Every time he’d order something grilled, they would fry it on the grill. And he’d be disappointed. (Not mad. He’s Canadian so he ate it, he was just politely unhappy about it.) Every time he ordered a green salad he was disappointed because it was iceberg lettuce with a carrot grated over it (not arugala pups and romaine fetuses like back home). All the while I’m eating burgers and fries, steak and baked potato, and loving life.(Because they make beef in Montana, and Idaho, where the potato was invented, is right next to Montana.) The only time he was truly happy with a meal was when he ordered buffalo in South Dakota. Those fucking Indians know how to cook a buffalo.

By the same token, when I was in Yap I had dinner with some people who had fresh ahi tuna that had been caught a couple of hours before, and cooked about six ways. They were served a tray the size of a garbage can lid piled high with fresh tuna, while I, being a huge dumbass, and having been in the islands too long, was missing food from home, so I declined the fresh fish and ordered pizza. Until that time, I thought pizza was the one dish that couldn’t be made bad. It was like the incorruptible monk of foods. Even bad pizza was pretty good. I was wrong. The Yapese can mess up some pizza. They probably know thirty ways to cook manta ray, but stay away from things made of wheat, cheese, and tomatoes, none of which are farmed anywhere near Yap. (I’m talking a Frisbee with a slice of velveeta slung over it and a stick of pepperoni dragged across the top on a string.) My point is, you don’t have to go to the best deep dish pizza place in Chicago to get good deep dish pizza, you will get in at any pizza place in Chicago. But if you want good deep dish pizza in New York, you’d better know where to go, because New York pizza is completely different animal, and the standards are different. Sorta like New England Clam chowder, I guess.

None of that means that you should order Iowa wine when in Iowa, or only eat Florida possum when in Florida, it’s just that if an area is known for something, there may be a reason why, and if it’s not, well, there’s a reason for that, too.

Sometimes you don’t want authentic, either. You don’t really want Chinese food, you want Americanized Chinese food. (Remember, in China, everything is a food animal. Everything.) And a New Englander probably shouldn’t eat lobster or clam chowder in Kansas.

A Guest Writes:

Dear Author Guy: What’s with your new avatar. I can see it’s a dog, but….?

Dear guest:

Although this will probably change before most people read it, currently my avatar is a giant doggy head that is floating through space with the Earth in his mouth. I spent over four minutes Photoshopping it. It is wrought with much allegory and subtext, and if I have to tell you what it means then you just don’t get it, man. You just don’t get it. Jeeze.

Heeeeeeeeee’s back, with answers to most of your damn questions.

Lib writes:

Is there a reason that I don’t tan? If so, what???

Dear Lib: It is hard to say, since I only met you once, but from that experience, I think the main reason is that as a child you ate more than a healthy amount of paste. As swell as that may have seemed at the time, it overloaded your developing immune system with “pasty white” cells. The only known cure is to eat equal amounts of dirt along with the paste in order to counteract the pasty whites. It’s not known if this will work retroactively, but if you decide to try it, please send video so I can post it on the Blog. It’s for science, after all.

Unc axes: So why is Paris Hilton famous? Why does anyone anywhere care about this skank?

Dear Unc: I’m as disturbed as you are about that, but consider this, if the answer is “because she’s rich and had sex on the internet anyway” then you have to address this, much more frightening question: Why is Donald Trump famous and who cares about his nasty ass anyway?

odie 718 writes: My question is about Practical Demonkeeping. Just curious if there is any reason you picked Clarion, PA as the hometown of Travis?

Dear odie: I used to go camping in that area of Pennsylvania with a friend who had family in the area. It was a great little college town and I always had fun there, but it is sort of remote and I imagined that in the 1900s when Travis is growing up there, it was very much “the boonies” as far as farm towns go.

HRH Gracie asks:

I totally get that Fluke required a ton of research, but do you really spend 6 months of research time on most of your books? I mean no disrespect, but could you give me an example of something you researched for say Stupidest Angel? Ok, well, now I am remembering the DEA stuff, I guess that would require some work, how do you go about that? Oh yeah, the sword stuff and the bong stuff. ok. never mind. I guess that is a big part of your talent. You make it seem so effortless.

Dear HRH:

When someone asks about research, or how long it takes to write a book, it’s a general question, and every book is specific. When I say it takes me six months to research a book, that doesn’t’ mean I go into the library, shut the door, and come out six months later. It means that I’m reading books, thinking stuff up, seeing what works and what doesn’t in a story. Books like Lamb and Fluke required a lot of reading, and the latter a lot of on-site research.

Stupidest Angel, on the other hand, I wrote specifically because I wouldn’t have a do any research on it. I wrote the book in about five months. Start to finish. That’s fast for me. I did end up looking up some stuff on antique Japanese swords, but that’s about it.

Each one is different and requires different commitments. I couldn’t’ go to Crow reservation in the winter for Coyote Blue, so I was over a year in the research phase. I took showers and went to movies and stuff during that time too, I wasn’t researching every second.

For Fluke, the researchers are only in Hawaii from December to March, it didn’t really matter if I started reading in August, I wasn’t going to get into the field with them until January. The Marine Mammal Science convention happens once every two years, in the fall. I wanted to attend that to get cutting edge science. Obviously, I had to wait until they held that.

In short, it’s not a term paper. Very often you don’t know what you’re going to need, so you read a lot more material than is necessary. Usually that’s the case. Other times you don’t find out until the book is finished that you missed some things. And just getting it down on paper isn’t enough. My stuff has to be funny, so often when I’m dealing with things like 1st century Judaism, or evolutionary biology, the funny stuff doesn’t come immediately to mind — it takes time for it to bounce around in my head until it hits something funny.

Stupidest Angel, as well as Practical Demonkeeping and The Lust Lizard of Melancholy Cove were all set in a town that very-much resembled the town in Northern California where I lived for 20 years. I chose this setting on purpose, because it specifically didn’t require me to travel for research. For Practical Demonkeeping it was because I simple couldn’t afford to go anywhere, for the latter two, it was because I was under deadline and didn’t have the time to go somewhere to research. If I had set Stupidest Angel in Chicago, or Boston, for instance, I’d have had to spend a lot of time in those towns to get the characters and the setting right. That, I guess, is the part that you don’t see. When I set Bloodsucking Fiends in San Francisco, I spent a month up there, just walking the streets, riding the busses, watching people, eavesdropping on people. A trip like that requires a fair amount of planning, and again, you want to do it when the weather will allow you to be out and about. Virtually every character in Stupidest Angel, or any of the Pine Cove books, is a representative of an archetype, or an actual person I met or knew of. I had a friend who flew helicopters freelance for the DEA, I knew sheriffs, artists, blues players, bartenders – I even know a retired scream queen, although she’s not the complete bedbug that Molly is. I’m not sure if I get to count that as research, but I certainly picked the setting because it seemed that the research was already done.

Lamb took me nearly three years to research and write, and I was stuck for months right after the section where Biff and Josh leave Galilee for the East because I had no idea what was going to happen, and I didn’t know a goddamn thing about Taoist alchemy, which I had to learn to do Balthazar’s character.

So the answer to your question, in short, is: on average, it takes me a year to write a book and six months to research it.

A number of questions about “the craft” this time, plus – THE MOVIE QUESTION! Sweet. I’m thinking about putting the movie question up as post that you’re required to read before you sign on to the board. Here goes…

Ferrit Leggings writes:

What was the funniest book you ever read?

This was a very tough question to answer. I’ve thought about it a lot, and I’m not sure that I won’t change my mind after more thought. I tried to remember actually laughing as I was reading, and it was probably M.A.S.H., the novel. Now granted, I was like 14 when I read that book, so it might not stand up today, but I remember being completely helpless with laughter while reading that book.

And I know how this is going to sound, but obviously the author’s sense of humor resonates very much with my own, but Lamb may be the funniest book I’ve read in the last ten years or so. (Okay, I’m cringing. I shouldn’t have written that, but it’s true.)

Right now I’m reading, Things My Girlfriend and I Have Argued About, which one of you guys turned me on to, and I’ve been laughing out loud more than anything I’ve read since the Last Days of Summer, by Steve Kluger. There’s no plot to speak of, but Mil Millington is truly gifted. Here’s the web site, for a free sample. I think the book is even funnier.

http://www.thingsmygirlfriendandihavearguedabout.com/

Jenny O writes:

Will your publisher ever put out audio book versions of your earlier books? (I already have THE STUPIDEST ANGEL on audio.) If so, do you have anyone in particular that you’d like to read them?

We’ve been talking a long time about doing Lamb as a multicast, Jenny, and I’d love to see that. A sort of audio mini-series. It’s really tough, however, to get an audio book done after the book has been out for a while. As for who I’d like to read them, that’s a tough one. I’d be more interested in hearing who you guys think would be good. I know they wanted to get Daniel Stern (voice of the Wonder Years) to do Fluke, but he was busy. I’d like a woman to read Fiends.

Catch 42 writes:

You’ve said before that there have been past attempts to bring some of your novels to the screen, but have all fell through for one reason or another. Is there any chance of a movie or T.V. deal soon? I’d love to see Pine Cove for myself!

Dear Catch: There will almost certainly be a “movie deal” soon. There have been around a dozen “movie deals” on my books. We’ve had two movie “deals” this year. People option or buy my books all the time. They write scripts and even do proposals for TV. I don’t tell you guys about it because IT MEANS NOTHING. Until it’s schedule to open in 2000 theaters nationwide, it’s not a movie. None of the books has gotten past the script stage, and I have very, very little to do with any of them. Tonight I’m going to see Hitchiker’s Guide to the Galaxy. Twenty-four years after the book was published – and probably 25-26 years since the “movie deal”. If something happens – if something gets green-lighted, or they start casting, or shooting, I’ll certainly tell you guys as soon as I find out, but movie deals mean nothing except for an exchange of currency.

Y asks:

What food category would Jell-O be classified in? (I have an addiction and I’m concerned I may be causing internal damage…sort of…)

Y: Jell-O is in the wiggly category. Green jell is a vegetable, red jell is a fruit, and, of course, all jell-Os are meat group.

Whaaaaa?

Yep, the gelatin that makes jello JELL-O, is made from boiled down cow bits. Meat.

Maxwell axes: Do you use roughly the same writing process for each of your books, or do different things come about differently? I use basically the same process. About six months of research, nine or so months of paced writing, then three months of absolute panic and stress. I write the manuscripts from the beginning to the end, and I seldom revise anything until the book is finished, although I usually stop at about 100 pages and do some corrections, then send the pages to my editor and my agent so they can see that the book is on track.

Stazy asks:

Author Guy, Why do you think that zombies always seem to want to eat brains and/or other living human bits (or breakdance)?

Because they can’t get Jell-O. Brains are the closest thing.

Big Freezer writes:

Dear Author Guy,

Your vivid description of the floor buffer in BSF leads me to believe that you have intimate knowledge of the device. Were you a buffer in a previous life or do you simply go to those lengths of research for the reader’s sake?

Dear Big:

I was a night crew guy at a grocery store, and part of doing that job was to be familiar with the maintenance equipment. I basically held the night crew leader position that Tommy has in Bloodsucking Fiends for two years. (When I was 19.) The characters of the Animals are each based on guys I worked with, and their non-vampire hunting exploits are things that my crew did. (Like the skiing behind the floor machine.)

Ted J asks:

I notice you have a supernatural theme that ties all of your books (ex., Vincent in Love Nun, the demon in Practical Demonkeeping, the whole Jesus thing in Lamb). Is this based on a particular fascination with the supernatural or is it just a lazy plot device – a deus ex machina so to speak?

Well, obviously, sometimes it’s a deus ex machina, as in The Stupidest Angel – and I think one of the books has a chapter with the title: Deus Ex Machina, but I admire your courage for asking the question in that way, considering the flaming the last guy got for implying that I lifted ideas from other stories. (I read question as, “Are you just being lazy?” Yes Ted, I formulate easy paths like setting a book in Gooville, where every fucking element has to be described in detail, instead of say, Santa Barbara, because I’m lazy.) But, a supernatural element in itself is not a Deus Ex Machina (God from a machine, for those of you playing the home game – in Greek theater they used to literally lower an actor playing God with a crane, and he would reconcile the plot using his powers.) A supernatural element is a supernatural element. I started this game as a horror story writer, and I consider that I’m still working in the genre, or at least the edge of it. I actually started a book (Love Nun) where I thought, “I won’t have a supernatural element in this book”, but after a few pages I thought, “this is boring, I want some crazy shit to happen. The supernatural stuff reflects, more than anything, my nine-second attention span. I like the shiny. That, and as the Sci-Fi convention T-shirt says, “Reality is for people who can’t handle Fantasy.” I like the idea, though, that they put a supernatural element in the Gospels because they were lazy.

“I don’t know, Matthew, this story of nailing the Jew to the tree, it doesn’t have any, you know, zing.”

“Oh, I’ve got, I’ve got it! We make him the son of God. Huh? Huh? Whaddaya think?”

“Well, that would be the easy way to go. Yeah, run with it!”

2) Should I be ashamed that I like the late 70s/early 80s arena/corporate rock bands like Boston, Journey, Styx, REO Speedwagon and the like?

Yes. But it’s okay if you’re ironic about it.

Yet another installment in The Author Guy Answers your Questions.

Catch 42 asks:

Hey there Author Guy, I’ve really been enjoying your Q & A’s. My question is: Where ya been? There hasn’t been a post since April 8th! We miss you…you don’t think we can get on with our pathetic lil’ lives without your expert guidence, do you?

I apologize. But the questions have been pretty scarce. I haven’t been ignoring you guys, I’ve just been waiting. I’m also having a hard time coming up with funny answers for your questions after I’ve been working on the book all day. So instead, I’ll just give you answers. Don’t blame me if they’re lame.

Deederpie writes: hey author guy, big al says dogs can’t look up. what do you think?

Dear Deederpie: I Gotta go with the food thing. Hold food over a dog’s head, he looks up. To be a little less dismissive, dogs, for the most part, are hunters, which means they have binocular vision (for depth perception) and tend to have the ability to track prey. Now, go have big Al look at some film of duck hunters with retrievers.

Kim Writes:

Dear Author Guy (again… ) I finally got my boyfriend to read one of your books, The Stupidest Angel, and he really likes it. Unfortunately, it started one of those ridiculous, grouchy, two-o’clock-in-the-morning fights. See, I’m a total sucker for the Tucker Cases and Biffs of the world, but my boyfriend (psych major) absolutely insists that Tucker is a sociopath. Since we’re both stubborn, I figured I should call in the most awesomely available author ever, before leaving my man over a fictional character. (Actually, there are probably a lot of steps I should take before that, unless i’m a -path of some kind.) So, help me win an argument? :)Kim(:

Kim: A sociopath tends to be narcissistic with no conscience. Tucker Case, even before he has an epiphany, has a conscience, and remorse, in fact a lot of remorse, so he’s not a sociopath. If you were going to go all “Diagnostic and Statistical Manual” on his ass, or roll up DSM4, as we say on the street, I think at worst, Tucker Case has what’s called a borderline personality disorder, which isn’t what it sounds like, but is sort of “sociopath lite”. There’s a lot of narcissism and selfishness involved, but also an endearing amount of self-destruction. (I’m not looking this up, but winging it from memory, but if you can’t win an argument with your boyfriend this way, I suggest, trying, “Dude, you are so never going to get laid again unless you say I’m right.” You’ll want to limit using this option to win arguments to two or three times a week, otherwise you could totally destroy his self-esteem, at which point you would have to dump the loser and go find someone who doesn’t like to argue as much. )

Dr. Sue writes:

Why do (almost) all religions decree that they are the one true church and all non believers are going to hell (or it’s particular equivalent)? I mean I know money comes into it somehow, but is there a more esoteric reason?

Sue: For the same reason that most tribes’ names for themselves, in virtually any culture, translates to “the human beings” or “the people”. Because it’s a lot easier to kill people and take their resources if they aren’t people. To dehumanize the enemy is the easiest way to motivate your soldiers to lose the natural resistance to committing murder. (A natural resistance, because we evolved as a cooperative species, using the troop, group or herd, whatever term you prefer, as part of our strategy for survival. Those who are predisposed to murder, will eventually lose the advantage of the cooperation of the troop.) By the same reasoning, as the numbers of troops grow and compete for resources, if your troop is chosen by God ( or fill in the name of your deity here), then those who don’t believe are condemned anyway. You can kill them with impunity, and still not go against the principal of the survival of the troop (ie. Don’t murder, your own. Killing a non-human is not murder. See Crusades or any old fatwa).

Hell – the eternal fire and punishment thing- is a pretty new concept, and basically a tool of coercion of the faithful, (that is, to control the behavior of the “converted”.) The underworld existed in many cultures, but not as a place of torment. You need hell as a whipping stick. For example, the Roman Empire gets its ass handed to it in the fifth century, leaving much of the conquered territories to be self-governed, now the only centralized power left has shifted from the Emperor and his Legions, to the Church. Army’s can’t impose control by force, so the church proceeds to regain its territories by conversion, and when met with resistance, the annexation of the indigenous beliefs. Thus, the hammer of Thor comes to represent a crucifix, the winter solstice comes to mark Christ’s birth, and the spring equinox, his resurrection. Gradually the old beliefs are absorbed by the church, and short of an army, the church uses it’s exclusive access to God to control the population. You don’t think they did the mass in Latin because that’s what a Jewish kid from Galilee spoke, did you? Or that the only person who knew how to read or write, was the priest because the written word was too hard for the average peasant to learn, right? So you have the peasants, and you stay all spooky and mystical and they will follow your cause for the promise of paradise. For the privileged, however, the promise of paradise, a better life, is not enough, and with the wealth goes the power, so you need the threat of hell. You need to be able to take something away from them, because they already have it as good as it gets in those days. You mark out an entire continent into the equivalent of a religious theme park, and you charge for “get out of purgatory free cards” at all the shrines. Plus you keep all the knowledge for yourself, so any rich merchant or nobleman has but one place to go if he wants his sons to have an education: the Church. The Church controls knowledge, and knowledge is… well, there you go.

Karl Marx called religion the opiate of the masses. And yes, when you are living in plague and famine and what we would perceive as hellish conditions, the promise of a better “afterlife” may be your only solace, it may be just the drug you are willing to mainline. Otherwise, why get up in the morning, and why build that fuck-all gargantuan cathedral that won’t even be finished in your great, great, grandchildren’s lifetime? That seems obvious, but move it closer to home, let’s say, the last election, and let’s see exactly how religion works as a means of social control. Take the wealthiest, most powerful group in the country, whose policies are across the board in the interest of benefiting the wealthiest and most powerful group in the country, then make the peasants vote against their own economic interests to keep the wealthy group in power. How? Well, dehumanize the enemy. Claim God as your own, and yourself as the chosen. Promise eternal life for those who support you and damnation for those who oppose. Why will you go to battle for me? Because I am the chosen. I carry the mighty sword of God. To oppose me, is to oppose God. And in the mean time, if you are impoverished in your old age, your health care is non-existent, and your children may not love whom they choose, well, there’s the afterlife to make it all better. You have prevented murder by – uh — murdering the unfaithful, and doing God’s own work. And the rich shall inherit the Earth, for there is no estate tax leveled upon them, and no wealth shall be redistributed to those who are unfaithful or unlucky, for that would be Godless Communism.

Forget the Roman Empire, the Catholic Church, the Wahabi — the fucking Pharos did this four thousand years ago– saying that no one but the blood relatives of the Pharos will have an afterlife. Well, say that until your peasant soldiers say, “Well fug it, then, I think you motherfuckers need to fight your own wars.” Oh, then Pharaoh says, “Wait, I forgot this last part: Any soldier who dies in battle for me, he too gets an afterlife.”

Or maybe you live in the frozen North? Ah, if you die valiantly, in battle, you get to party like a rock star in Valhalla until the Midgard serpent finally swallows his own tail. Or maybe you need to get a bunch of young fundamentalists to fly airplanes into large structures in the name of God. It helps to promise them a whole pile of girls who will never know that they are a lousy lay.

So the answer to: “Why do all religions declare themselves the one true church?” is:

Because that’s how you take and maintain power. Missionaries are just recruiting officers for the holy army that backs up your power. Those, by the way, are not my military metaphors. The Church came up with them. Jihad is a religious term. Crusade is a religious term. Organized religions are military bureaucracies.

Sorry if that was a blatantly simplistic answer, or a great big “Duh”. I kind of find the whole subject a little obvious, like, “Hey, you dumb sons-a-bitches, can’t you see that George’s lips are moving and that Jesus doll isn’t really talking to you.” I apologize that I’m not particularly articulate about it. Also, it’s fairly easy to rant if one stays on the Western side of religion, but some Eastern religions don’t fit this paradigm at all. For instance, there has never been a Buddhist holy war. Yet the social control built into Hinduism is frighteningly obvious (be a good merchant, barber, craftsman – keep to your place, and be reincarnated as a higher caste, but ultimately, be satisfied with your place in life). Animism among hunters and gatherers in environments where there is no troop competition for resources, like the religion of the pygmies of the Congo or the bushman of the Kalihari, tends to non-exclusive and not used as a means for social control. In tribal societies, economics often dictates religion ie. You need trade, therefore it’s incest to marry anyone in your clan or village, not just your blood relative, therefore you are forced to forge ties with other villages and clans, which promotes trade. Somehow that becomes religion, but the difference between custom and religion is often indiscernible. The difference between a civil wedding service and a church wedding service is, besides the cost, well, the church. Custom and religion? Laws of man and laws of God. Man makes the laws of God to suit his own agenda. Who has the one true God? The guy most willing and able to murder in his name. Amen.

Lib AXES:

Dear AG, If friends described you as an a animal, what kind would it be and why? Lib

Dear Lib: A sloth with a huge unit. Because sometimes I move kind of slowly.