I should have known, when Rush Limbaugh was going off about abstenence on the radio of the car that picked me up at the hotel at 6:00am…
So then, as I was going through the metal detector, it beeped, so I gave them my belt.
Then, as I came through again, the fat fuck guard was crowding the exit, so I stepped to the side, so the zipper on the thigh of my cargos hit the detector, so it went off. Two strikes, you go to the feel-up zone.
So they wanded me, and it was okay, of course, the wand guy baffled how I’d set the thing off in the first place, and me not wanting to do the fat fuck explanation in front of the fat fuck, so I went and tried to put my suitcase back together. It took me 15 minutes to get it closed again (you pack pretty tightly to get through a month with one carry-on bag.). So in the process, my new flannel shirt was lost.
Then the cattle call to Southwest, where I was able to read an interview with Chuck Palahniuk in the in flight, him talking about having 1100 people at his signing in Las Vegas (and much as I enjoy Chuck’s books, I imagined him blowing a porcupine in front of 1100 people) — then, a fifty-dollar cab ride to the hotel, who lost my reservation, then put me in a smoking room that smells like an ashtray, then the phone didn’t work, then the internet, then — and I’m not kidding — the elevator.
So, all that stuff settled, I decided to catch a nap, and the sky opened up. Within 20 minutes the street in front of the hotel was running with two feet of water, and the thunder was going off like artillery.
Four in the afternoon and in a holding pattern now, waiting to see what the weather does before the signing tonight at (again, I’m not kidding) Rainy Day Books.
And just so this doesn’t turn completely into a travel whine — I’m a little worried about Kurt, the Klingon assassin who is following me through the Midwest. I hope he’s okay. It was really raining.
Oh yeah, on the bright side, there’s a Snicker’s Bar the size of a skateboard in the mini-bar, and only $9.00. Choco-nougat disco party tonight in the smoking room!
And everyone in St. Louis was very pleasant, even the assistant principal, who I admit, brought out some pre-set predjudices in my nature that I need to look at at some point.