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Wisdom, almost free — the Author Guy Answers

March 26th, 2005 · No Comments

Yet another installment of “The Author Guy Answers Your Questions.” It’s late, I’m tired, so if you aren’t satisfied with the answers, then perhaps you didn’t ask the right question. (Or, you know, I could be slacking off.)

Lib writes:

Does it every make you nervous to be living on a volcano in

the middle of the ocean or do you just go with the flow?

It does make me nervous, but I find that I do my best work

under pressure, and having a river of molten rock heading for

your office, that, my friends, is pressure. I do it all for you.

Think Insane Asks:

Why isn’t it legal for me to punch everyone I see until the

nicotine cravings stop? I’m just asking, cuz you know, I want

to do that.

Because smoking is bad for you. Duh.

Palmer asks:

Why is it that we have a bestselling author here who is

willing to answer any of our questions about writing in a

dedicated forum (“so you wanna be a writer”), and nobody,

me included, can think of anything else to ask him? Why?

Sometimes, recognizing the correct question to ask, is the


Chuin queries:

Why is it that author will wait till we are over halfway into a

book before giving a description of the leading character?

Actually, I think this is a total bullshit move on the part of any

author, and wildly unfair. You need to have at least a couple

of details to go on. I think the worst violation of this I

remember is T.C. Boyle’s Water Music, where you get about

200 pages into the book before finding out the narrator is

about five-five and weighs 250 or so. Until then you’re sort of

allowed to get the impression of a completely different

character. As I said, I think it’s bullshit, and it gives you the

right to not read any more books by that guy. Boyle,

however, is still writing interesting stuff, and that was a very

early effort, I think.

Lauren asks:

Cows: why?

I’m glad you asked that, Lauren. Ans: Because.

kitcoe axes:

What exactly is a Koozmanian Mortafuffle? and do they

really have 3 1/2 wings?

The Koozmanian Mortafuffle is just another name for a

you-know-what. How many wings it has sort of depends on

how adventurous you are in your choice of attire, if you know

what I mean.

John asks:

If two eggs cost 69 cents, how much does a pound of butter


You are paying way too much for your eggs. Probably should

spend less time weighing your butter and more time

comparison shopping.

Regina asks:

What are some big “red flags” when entering a relationship

with someone new (friend, busines, etc… ) ?

You want to watch for any unidentified “organ meat” in their

fridge. Also, anyone who starts slamming heroin or smoking

crack on a first date you want to cool things with, especially

if you’re still at the dinner table.

sjt asks:

What are your favorite Zombie-themed movies?

I like Evil Dead 2, Shaun of the Dead (of course), and Dead

Alive (one of Peter Jackson’s first movies, entitled

“Braindead” in the U.K.).

And finally, Sgt_steve asks:

Since Ossie Davis is now dead, who should play President

Kennedy in Bubba Nosferatu

Ossie Davis, of course. Who would be more appropriate in a

movie about the undead?

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