Christopher Moore's Blog

Miscellany from the Author Guy

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You axe, the Author Guy Answers.

March 21st, 2005 · No Comments

Beeropotamus asks: Why is it that I find myself constantly buying your books? I know that I’ve gone into the book store and purchased “the complete works” at least twice now. I’ve re-purchased individual books 3 or 4 times as well. Could I really be so forgetful that I’ve lost them.

Dear Mr. potamus: There’s a good chance that you have simply discovered the joy of multiple copies. I, myself, own several copies of all of my books, and to my delight, they have brought me good fortune and nearly superhuman charisma and humility. I hope you have similar results, but if not, it may be because you still don’t have enough copies.

Matrinka asks: 1. If you could have any super powers, what would they be? Why? (I personally want the ability to make stupid people get out of my way when I just want to go somewhere).

As super human powers go, I would like most of the normal ones, plus that one where you can understand what animals and bugs are saying.

2. Is Pittsburgh a yucky city or does it just sound like it is?


3. Do you want a spiteful cat? I’m trying to find a home for mine.

Thanks, but I think you’re kitty would love a FeEx trip to Pittsburg.

4. Why does Disney insist on telling all the kids in the theme parks that the characters are “real” when there is an obvious zipper on many of their backs?

Because they are evil bastards.

5. Why are there no In-N-Out Burgers on the east coast? Can we have one, please?

Because the East was established by Pilgrims, and they are not going to tolerate anything named “In and Out” on a sign out there in the open. If they can serve in and out in private clubs, however, they are going to be on it like a fat kid on a cupcake.

6. Would it be better to have Dick Cheney in office than “w?” I’m debating if I should mourn, should a terrorist attack him.

There is no “better” in those situations.

Dan O Asks: I have a friend who is a gnome and we are trying to teleport him to England for a White Stripes concert. Do you know anything about Quantum Gnome Dynamics (QGD)? Specifically, what are the dangers of tearing apart and reassembling a gnome at the atomic level.

I’m glad you asked that question, Dan O.

Lib Axes

Dear Author Guy, Do you put out some kind of hormonal essence that attracts us here? If so…what’s it called?

Why yes, yes I do, Lib. I distill a special extract from the gonads of geckos, reduce it to a form so concentrated that it can pass through the server to your own machines, and thereby attracting you to this site again and again. Oh yeah, don’ t be surprised if you also have the sudden urge to eat a bug. Comes with the territory.

Jilly asks:

Why is it that pigeons can poop on us and we can’t do the same to them. I mean it’s only fair isn’t it. Do they do it on purpose or do we just make good targets?

There is no law against pooping on pidgeons, Jilly. I would encourage you to try it every chance you get. And please, don’t hesitate to videotape your efforts so the rest of us can be inspired by your courage.

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