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At Long Last: AXE THE AUTHOR GUY returns!

October 9th, 2005 · No Comments

Welcome back boys and girls, to another session of Axe the Author Guy, where a famous unknown writer answers your questions about life, literature, and assorted stuff.

Ferrit Leggings Asks:

I have a question, Why is there not enough time in the day and is there a way to extend the time that I can work on my book and my art work without sacrificing the rest of my life? I know this is a nearly unanswerable questions but it made me feel better to ask it.

My dear Ferrit, there reason that there is not enough time in the day is that we waste a large portion of it on sleep. We don’t really need sleep, this is simply a holdover from the days before the invention of fire when if you didn’t stay still for a large portion of the day, you would run into nocturnal hunters or pointy things. The problem is, we perpetuate this absurd waste of time by associating sleeping (or at least going to bed) and sex, therefore, the sleep gene is passed on. The people who didn’t need to sleep, didn’t get laid, because they never took anyone to bed, therefore they never passed on their non-sleep genes. So, the answer to your question, “is there a way to extend the time etc.” is no, not in this generation, but if you stay up really late and get laid occasionally, but only in a standing position, you are putting future generations on the right track.

Katy O Asks: Why do I keep losing half of my belly ring? Why won’t the damn thing stay screwed on?

You keep losing half of your belly ring because you are basically irresponsible and can’t be trusted with nice things. As for keeping it screwed on, try the solution I found: Whenever you’re eating French fries, lie on your back and put a little puddle of ketchup in your navel for dipping. As you enjoy your fries, the acid in the ketchup will etch the metal, and the sugar will adhere to the newly textured metal. You’ll never lose your belly ring again, and you’ll usually have that pleasant, French fries and ketchup aroma that so many people find alluring.

Ted J Inquires:

What can I do to stop my back from hurting?

Well, one solution is to take an X-acto knife and sever your spinal cord just below the fifth vertebrae. Most find this more trouble than they are willing to endure (because you have to do it in a mirror, and how embarrassing if you snip your fourth vertebrae and cut your breathing function) and ask a friend to help them. Another solution is to ingest huge quantities of painkillers, but that can be unsafe and render you too wobbly to go the X-acto knife route should you change your mind. Finally, I recommend a daily regimen of stretches that you’ll find on any number of web sites. Unless your discs have seriously deteriorated, the stretches – almost a self-chiropractic — may keep you out of trouble. The key is to not wait until your back is tweaked to do them, you have to do them every morning and night.

Here’s one.,13190,Smith_031504,00.html

I do the knees to chest, each leg pulled up to the chest, and then the knee to each side with shoulder on the floor every day, at least once a day an sometimes more often if necessary. My back went out while finishing Love Nun ten years ago, and I couldn’t even walk. I also couldn’t take tons of meds because I was trying to write. A physical therapist gave me a sheet with about five basic stretches and my back hasn’t gone out since. So far, so good. I will, however, get back aches if I sleep on a mattress that’s too soft, but it’s not the debilitating “can’t move or breathe” kind of pain and most of the time a couple of ibuprofen will help. I’ll slam a couple of those bad boys if I’m going to be doing something where I anticipate a lot of stress on my back, like kayaking, just to keep the inflammation down.

Conspiracies Unlimited asks:

Why does my son stick his hand in the cat’s mouth and complain that the cat keeps biting him while he’s trying to sleep?

Because the cat is controlling his mind. Not to worry, though, once the cat has a chance to inhale your son’s immortal soul and escape, everything will go back to normal.

Kate R queries:

Do you ever think you’ll stop writing?

Absolutely. I hope if I ever get too goofy to construct a coherent thought, that I’ll have the sense to stop writing. I don’t really plan to retire or anything, but one never knows. I just wish I hadn’t built all those airplane models in my closet when I was a kid. I think I may have a lot fewer brain cells than most people to carry me through. And there was the time I put the wires from my electric train transformer in my ears and cranked the voltage for a day or two. That couldn’t have been good for me. But as the weeks pass, I don’t really feel that different, except that I seemed to have misplaced the years 1973 through 78.

Scarlet Cruento asks:

Why is it that some people only argue for the sake of arguing?

Because they are drunks. God I hate them when they do that.

Kim Cookie asks:

If you could bring back any dead historical figures, but instead of having tea with them or something, you got to watch them in an awesome zombie movie…

Zombie Marilyn Monroe – I’d like her to show up at the White House on the president’s birthday, sing him “Happy Birthday” then gnaw a hole in his head and slowly eat his brains with a melon-baller while the cabinet bets how many bites she’ll get out of him.

Jaandlu asks:

Hey Ag, why is it that B&N is so anti Chris Moore?

Because they know not what they do.

Naked and Famous writes:

Have you ever considered writing a book for young adults/older children?

Yes, I’m thinking about writing a young-adult series, but I’m just not sure I have the time to do it and keep my normal novels coming. It may not get past the “thinking” stage. My idea is to follow two friends, similar I think, to Biff and Joshua in Lamb, through a series of adventures in a historical setting. It won’t be Biff and Josh, of course, but I just like the idea of having one sort of be sacred and the other profane, yet extraordinary friends. I’m thinking of setting it in ancient China or Japan so I can use Buddhism and Shinto or Chinese Alchemy as my spiritual base.

Lecaster asks:

How much paper do you go through when you’re writing? Is this a ‘gotta break some eggs if you want to make an omelet’ thing?

Actually, I go through less and less paper as the years go by because I don’t have to send paper manuscripts to anyone anymore. I can e-mail the book to my agent and editor. I’ve always been a proponent of using the supplies that you need, and even when I was very poor and really couldn’t afford a lot of stuff, I tried not to skimp on paper. I do like to edit my stuff in hardcopy, though, so I’d guess that I go through about five reams (2500 sheets) of paper per 400 page book – that’s down from a few years ago when I probably used twice that many, and that’s not counting manuscripts I printed up for friends.

My photography mentor always told me, “Don’t be stingy about film, it’s the cheapest thing you’ll buy, and what’s the cost of missing your greatest shot?” I feel the same way about writing materials.

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