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Is that a Moose on Your Ass, or are you Just working Out?

August 6th, 2006 · No Comments

I finally sent in my new book, so last week I went back to the gym after like five years. This is a real gym, too, not a small town gym, where everyone is old and more out of shape than you, which I sort of liked, by the way. And not like the gym in Hawaii, which was at a golf course, where there were just too many Bush supporters being all proud of what complete sheep they were while they vocally celebrated the ass-fucking that the evil bastard was giving their country. You know, patriots.

No, this is a real gym, with a jillion aerobic machines, and many, many machines that I dont know how to use at all. (I got all tangled up in one today that was either for your deltoids, your hip rotators, or your spinal erectors but evidently I didnt use it right because when I was finished I felt like Id been molested by a Transformer. ) And you dont have to worry about peoples political views because the Night at the Roxbury club music is cranked so loud that you couldnt hear them anyway. (But I must say, its perfect mood music for being molested by a Transformer. Hmmm.)

But thats not what I’m writing about. What I’m writing about, is sporting equipment company icons. We all know the ubiquitous Nike checkmark, and the Adidas three stripes, the Etonic and Asic mass of stripes that look like someone let a kid go with a Spirograph on them. We know Puma, and Pony, and Champion, and the New Balance N. If there’s anything youre going to get in athletic apparel it logoized. I get it. I understand the Pony’s pony, Puma’s puma, they are symbols of speed, agility, athleticism. I get it.

So then this girl goes by while I’m trying to extricate myself from the reverse cross-over simulated booger-flicker machine, which requires like three weeks of David Blaine training to get out of, evidently, because I lost skin and part of an ear, but anyway, this girl goes by, and she,s got a moose on the hip of her sweatpants. (Sorry, workout pants. They would only be sweatpants if they cost less than $80.) No, I was not gawking. I simply noticed. A MOOSE?

No, it wasnt like the team logo for the Northeastern Saskatoon City College fighting Mooses either. No, I would have known that. And it would have been a big Bullwinkle mama-jama, with an antler on either cheek and GO MOOSES prominently printed just below her tramp stamp tattoo of a fairy felating a unicorn that she’s so going to love explaining to her grandchildren. No, this was like a small, logoized moose. And Im thinking, what was the thinking behind that?

As an aside, let me say, that this young woman was in the hip, thigh, bottom department, ample. The moose was not ironic as in "I’m so totally confident in my sinewy elliptically trained low-carb ass, that by putting a moose on my hip you will just laugh — ha, ha." No, this was more of a case of, "Oh my god, theres a moose on my sweatpants, but they were all out of the black and white Holstein model. It doesnt call attention to my size, does it?"

Why? Why? Why? What was the company thinking? They’ll be saying: "Look at the antlers on that chick?" And if even if you use the moose and deer hunter term "rack", the moose was on the wrong part of the outfit.

A gazelle, an impala, even an ibex would be a better athletic symbol, and thats if youre just sticking to the deer family. Hell, a wildebeest would be better, because, — well — I-d just like to see what the whole line of wildebeest athletic wear would look like. And come up with slogans. But that aside, what were they thinking?

I’m not blaming the girl. I’m sure she bought her workout stuff for the same reason I bought my, "Everyone Gets a Hug" built-in athletic supporter workout and incontinence shorts, because they were on the sale rack at Ross. No, I blame the manufacturer.

You guys, clear the inventory and get back to work on the logo design board. May I suggest wildebeest. Or bunnies. Go with that whole sick ,Japanese cute-is-sexy thing. It makes more sense than mooses, for fuck’s sake.

Anyway, that was my day at the gym. Its not that bad. I’m going back tomorrow. With my ear all taped up. (Dont get me started on the shirts with penguins on them.)


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