Christopher Moore's Blog

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Duck sauce Soy sauce?

March 25th, 2008 · No Comments

Duck sauce Soy sauce?
So, today they found out that the U.S. Military shipped four helicopter batteries to Taiwan, except when the Tawainese opened them, months later — shazam!–the boxes were filled with missile warheads. Oops!
But the people in charge were quick to say that there wasn’t any nuclear material. Only the fuse that detonates the nuclear material. Hmmmm. I don’t know if anyone has heard about the problem with making a nuclear bomb, but evidently it isn’t getting the fissionable material — there’s a bunch of that missing. Turns out, it’s (and this is so cute) getting the device that will detonate it.
Now, I order stuff from Chinese people like three times a week. I’ve hardly ever opened the bag and gone, “Shit, I ordered Moo Goo Gai Pan, this is a nuclear trigger. Who had the nuclear trigger? You want chili sauce with that?” The worst that’s ever really happened is that they only gave us one stale-ass fortune cookie instead of two. (And did you know that the fortune cookie was invented in San Francisco, not China? Yeah, funny thing, turns out we shipped the recipe to them accidentally in a box full of Plutonium 235.)
I’m just saying, this does not inspire confidence.
Were these the same guys that sent bombers flying over the U.S. with nuclear bombs on board and few months ago?
I don’t have any military experience, so I don’t want to assume that I know better than our commanders on the ground, as they say, but how about this…
How about we put the smart, efficient people in charge of, oh, I don’t know, watching nuclear weapons. I know it’s an all volunteer force, and the bar has been lowered to about the same standards as what it would take in a girl you’d take home when you’re twelve drinks into the night and it’s five minutes before closing time (a pulse*), but can we just put the smart people in charge of the nukes?
*no offense meant to girls with a pulse, i find that totally attractive in a woman.

Tags: Politics

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