Christopher Moore's Blog

I’m not really sure that a Blog was a great idea. You see, I don’t always have something to say. I suppose I could post a political rant of the day, but first, I’m not that well informed, and second, I don’ t think that’s why you guys come to these pages. So I checked out some other writer’s blogs, and what I found out was that these guys were basically taking their e-mails and turning them into a combination FAQ/BLOG. This is completely understandable, because the events of a writer’s life can be pretty mundane. (Got up. Drank coffee. Sat in chair for twelve hours making clicky noises on keyboard. Etc.) So today, I’ll try the “What I got in my e-mails” format and see how it goes.

GREAT DEALS FOR YOU AT HOTELS.COM would like to know if I’d like to book a weekend in Seattle, Portland, San Francisco, or Vegas.

No, thank you. I have a book to write and I caught a cold on the plane coming back from Portland last week so I feel like pounded poop.

CHRISTIAN LENDERS ARE COMPETING TO GIVE YOU MONEY would like to know if I am interested in being contacted by the hundreds of Christian Lenders who are interested in giving me money.

I’m okay, thanks. But if they could send me some cookies and strudel, that would be good. It’s a known fact that the best cookies and strudel come from church bake sales because they are rife with competition.

FROTHINGFANGIRL would like to know if I know that I am totally “the shit”.

Yes. I applied to be “the shit” several years ago and received my certificate in 2002. Previously I had maintained the rank of “all that” for two years, before which I was “so money” for a period of 18 months.

YOU CAN INCREASE YOUR SIZE BY 2 INCHES would like to know if I would like to increase my size by two inches and be able to satisfy a woman all night long.

I don’t really see the use of either of these things.

NEEDYOURHELPNOW would like to know if I could help her get the fortune of her late husband, the former president of the country, out of the Philippines.

Dude, I don’t even know where my phone book is. If you’re turning to me for help you are fucked beyond saving.

There, I think that worked fine, and it gives you all an insight into my interesting life.