Christopher Moore's Blog

So, I’m out here on book tour, and one of the anecdotes I’ve been telling is about how once, in a darkened theater, someone in the crowd kept yelling for me to speak up, and every time I’d start to speak again, she’d interrupt me, and say:

“You’re mumbling, you’re speaking into your chest!”

All I could see of her, was one of those red cowboy hats that is typically packaged with two little chromed plastic guns. So on the fourth time she yelled:

“Speak up, you’re mumbling!”
I yelled,
“Well, your hat is stupid!”

Then a man stood up behind her, and shouted, “She was coming to your signings when there were only three people!” And he started to push her wheelchair out of the theater. I yelled at an old lady in a wheelchair. And to be honest, twice, because as she rolled by, she screeched, “You’re still mumbling!”
And I said, “Well your hat is still stupid!”
So, not my best moment. But I am vindicated later. You’ll have to check tomorrow.

But last night, I’m telling this story, and a guy comes up later and tells me about how some kid is kicking the back of his seat through a cross country flight. And after about two hours go by, he can’t take it, and he turns around and unloads on the mother and father for not disciplining their bratty kid. And about half-way through his tirade, he sees that they are all wearing “Make a Wish” T-shirts, and the kid has sort of a mangy haircut.
So I felt better. Because at least I didn’t yell at a Make a Wish kid.
I told him that he should go on book tour….
From the road
Christopher Moore

I’m not supposed to put this on my blog until next week, but I think it’s okay to link to it, so here’s the guest blog I’m doing for the spiffy people at Powell’s Book Store:

Oh Hai, You must be Brazilian.

Four videos. Just me meeting with some readers who read one of the advanced copy of Fool, plus,
at the end, the complete works of Shakespeare explained:

<a href="http://www.bordersmedia.com/borderspresents/moore?cmpid=SL_20090210_REW"BOOK GROUP TALKIN’ ‘BOUT FOOL>

A New Author Guy Interview

More of my self-involved crap presented
by the Arts magazine at the University of Texas as Dallas:

It’s PDF, so you can open it in your browser or download it…

My Lovely, Lovely Crap

In which author Michael P. Spradlin and I interview each other about new novels and shed light on the Dark Ages… answering age-old questions…

Authors in the Dark

Chicken Butt!

That’s right, I’ve gotten the final confirmation on the tour, and all those cities that were on stand-by?

No! Big ginormous No to you. Turns out, that the economy is, uh, not doing that well, so my five week tour is, uh, two weeks long.

I guess the powers that be are punishing Chicago and Friends because I ate a Snickers out of the mini-bar on the last tour

and costs got out of hand.

But the good news is, you can order SIGNED first edtions from the links below. But you need to get your orders in BEFORE February 10th, so they’ll have the books on hand for me to sign when I get there.

Fool and/or Lamb (Lamb’s the leather edition, not a first edition.)

Canadians – I’m pretty sure both these stores will ship to Canada, but you’re going to have to call them.

Now, Chicago didn’t make the cut, so don’t go on about why I’m not coming to your town. Because I think we all know that Chicago can kick the ass of your wussy little town. Maybe the economy will recover by the time the paperback comes out and then I can come to everyone’s house and personally read the book to you.

Here’s the tour as it stands. We still may add Capitola and Petaluma, California, but for now (check back for corrections, too, times and whatnot, if you’re coming to an event):

Christopher Moore’s Fool Tour

I’m starting to feel like Billy Mays, that guy that sells Oxy Clean on TV by screaming at you. (Who, I would, by the way, like to see in a death match with Chris Matthews,  a yell-off, if you will.)

But still. Can you believe it?!!!  William Morrow is going to give away a bunch of Fool hats, signed copies of Fool, and an Iphone, to the readers who posts the funniest pictures of themselves, their kid, or the pets, or all three, and their copy of Fool on the site below.

I know, you can’t get your pictures in quite yet, but a lot of you have access to an advanced readers copy, I think that counts. I’ve been wearing my Fool hat around town for about a month, and I can tell you, it gets attention.

Details are forthcoming.

http://www.flickr.com/groups/christophermoore/

Everyone is saying two things about the economy. First, it won’t get better until people start spending money, and it won’t get better until banks start lending money.

I know that you guys are going to do your part by buying Fool when it comes out, and books are expensive. You guys are going to fix the economy by making that simple purchase. And banks will be all, “Hey, they put this book on thier card. Let’s lend out some of this major bank that the congress gave us.”

So, in thanks to you, until February 10, when Fool comes out, you can read A Dirty Job, my 9th and very funny book, for free. FREE!  No, you can’t download it, or save it, but you can read it.

Here:
READ A DIRTY JOB FREE!

Have Fun!

PS: PS. Hey, I know you most of you guys are saying you’ve read this book already (bless you, my children), but what a great opportunity to turn a friend on to giant hellhounds and other Dirty Job goodness without risking losing your own precious, glow in the dark copy. Send them the link.

Me talking about my book, Fool.

I watched the Inaugural celebration at the Lincoln Memorial. There were singers singing about freedom, and actors reading the words of great Americans from the past. And above it that great stone effigy of Lincoln scowling down like a great prophet who had delivered his message of freedom and was waiting to see how badly we’re going to fuck it up.

And I have to admit it, I got a little choked up.

And I thought,
Am I being cynical enough?

I thought,
Do I need to keep my guard up?

I thought,
Am I being suspicious enough?

I thought,
Will people think me a fool, if I’m earnest in my hope?

Then I realized, I wasn’t choked up
Because of the Rosa Parks story
Or the Lincoln quotes
Or the talk of a nation built on an idea.

I was choked up because I was tired.
Ever been that tired?
So tired you feel like you might weep?
I was tired of being lied to, and manipulated, and treated without respect,
Like I was some sort of moron.
I was tired of freedom and love of country being thrown in my face
Like ads for soap, in order to sell an unjust agenda.
I was tired of my patriotism being questioned because I had the audacity
To point out that I was being lied to.
By leaders who became avatars of cynicism, and doubt, and mistrust.
And yes, death.

I was exhausted.
And cynical.

Shouldn’t I be?

Because if I go into this new era,
With a heart clear of cynicism,
I could get hurt.
Disappointed.
I could look the fool.
I could get heartbroken.
Again.

Cynicism seems so attractive when compared to heartbreak.
You could be cool.
Heartless, but cool.

When I was talking about Death a lot.
I talked about how we may not all charge the machine gun nest
Or save the passengers from the freezing water
Or carry the child out of the burning building
But we would, we will, all face death
Maybe many times.
And how we behave at those times
Is the measure of our courage, of our character.

And so maybe now,
Like taking the chance to fall in love,
We face another one of those moments,
But instead of facing it one at a time
Small, trying moments, large in our little lives
We face this together.

We can be cynical. Hold back. Be safe.
We can be suspicious, and doubtful,
Or we can go forth openly, hopefully
Unguarded
With a heart
Clear of the cloud of cynicism.

A crystal heart.

And if I were still on speaking terms with God,
That’s what I’d pray for.
A crystal heart.
Clear in purpose,
Clear in righteousness
Clear in resolve
For us all.

And it might get broken.
And it will take courage to face that.
And it will hurt like a bitch if it does.

But then again,
Have you ever fallen in love?
Pure, sweet, illuminating, edifying love?
It makes us better than we could ever be.
Stronger, taller, kinder, more generous.
Tolerant, patient, and assured.
Better.

Should I be more cynical?

Should I be more suspicious?

Should I keep my guard up?

I think not.

To be right, to save face in retrospect, to live for the hope
Of profitable hindsight.
Is safe, and shallow and cowardly
And more likely to bring about a future darker than today.

No, I think I’ll go into this fresh American future
With a crystal heart.
Take the risk.

After all, you guys will all be there.
We’ll all be there.

Thanks for helping me think this through.

Happy Martin Luther King Day
Happy Inauguration