Christopher Moore's Blog

I’m not really sure that a Blog was a great idea. You see, I don’t always have something to say. I suppose I could post a political rant of the day, but first, I’m not that well informed, and second, I don’ t think that’s why you guys come to these pages. So I checked out some other writer’s blogs, and what I found out was that these guys were basically taking their e-mails and turning them into a combination FAQ/BLOG. This is completely understandable, because the events of a writer’s life can be pretty mundane. (Got up. Drank coffee. Sat in chair for twelve hours making clicky noises on keyboard. Etc.) So today, I’ll try the “What I got in my e-mails” format and see how it goes.

GREAT DEALS FOR YOU AT HOTELS.COM would like to know if I’d like to book a weekend in Seattle, Portland, San Francisco, or Vegas.

No, thank you. I have a book to write and I caught a cold on the plane coming back from Portland last week so I feel like pounded poop.

CHRISTIAN LENDERS ARE COMPETING TO GIVE YOU MONEY would like to know if I am interested in being contacted by the hundreds of Christian Lenders who are interested in giving me money.

I’m okay, thanks. But if they could send me some cookies and strudel, that would be good. It’s a known fact that the best cookies and strudel come from church bake sales because they are rife with competition.

FROTHINGFANGIRL would like to know if I know that I am totally “the shit”.

Yes. I applied to be “the shit” several years ago and received my certificate in 2002. Previously I had maintained the rank of “all that” for two years, before which I was “so money” for a period of 18 months.

YOU CAN INCREASE YOUR SIZE BY 2 INCHES would like to know if I would like to increase my size by two inches and be able to satisfy a woman all night long.

I don’t really see the use of either of these things.

NEEDYOURHELPNOW would like to know if I could help her get the fortune of her late husband, the former president of the country, out of the Philippines.

Dude, I don’t even know where my phone book is. If you’re turning to me for help you are fucked beyond saving.

There, I think that worked fine, and it gives you all an insight into my interesting life.

Hey kids, I realize that I won’t be getting to everyone’s city on tour for this book, and yet it is the perfect gift book for those who like a twisted little Christmas, so Harper Collins has made up these custom self-adhesive bookplates that I’ve signed.

If you want some to stick in your gift copies of Stupidest Angel, just send a self-addressed, stamped envelop to me at: P.O. Box 111, Kilauea, HI 96754. Limit ten per person. Bookstores can e-mail me (BSFiends@aol.com) if you’d like to have more.

A normal, legal-sized envelop folded in thirds is fine, but even the smaller, bill-paying envelops will work as well. The bookplates are about the size of a magazine mailing label. Don’t wait too long. Mail can take up to two weeks from Hawaii, and that’s not including my flaking on you. Please enclose a very, very brief note telling me how many you’d like. I’m not going to be able to reply personally to each note, but you’ll get your labels.

Hey kids, here’s the tentative tour dates.

Do not, do not, do not, complain that I am not coming to your area. You wouldn’t believe the machinations that went on behind the scenes to get this tour at all. I’ll be making signed bookplates available to everyone who wants to give Stupidest Angel for the Holidays, but we just couldn’t do more dates and areas. Sorry.

December 1: University Bookstore, Seattle December 2: Third Place Books, Seattle December 3: Borders 1000 Oaks, LA December 4: Brentano’s Century City, LA (full-tilt event) December 5: Poisoned Pen, Phoenix December 6: Tattered Cover, Denver December 7: Powell’s, Portland December 8: Book Passage, Corte Madera/SF December 9: Books Inc., Mountain View/SF December 10: Mysterious Galaxy, San Diego Borders, Lihue, HI to be announced.

No funny comments. I just thought this was a very cool and very usable word. (It sounds French. You gotta love that. Like melange, or decollatage — love that soft g sound.)

bricolage bree-koh-LAHZH; brih-, noun: Construction or something constructed by using whatever materials happen to be available.

The Internet is a global bricolage, lashing together unthinkable complexities of miscellaneous computers with temporary lengths of phone line and fiber optic, bits of Ethernet cable and strings of code. –Bernard Sharratt, “Only Connected,” [1′ target=’_blank’>New York Times, December 17, 1995

Cooking with leftovers was bricolage–a dialogue between the cook and the available materials. –Susan Strasser, [2′ target=’_blank’>Waste and Want: A Social History of Trash

I point out to my students that no one ever really reads Hamlet for the first time now; we’ve heard it all before in bits and pieces, cultural bricolage. –Marjorie Garber, “Back to Whose Basics?” [3′ target=’_blank’>New York Times, October 29, 1995 _________________________________________________________

Bricolage comes from the French, from bricole, “trifle; small job.”

So, I watched Arnold’s speech at the Republican Convention. According to him, I am a Republican. Evidently, the test for being a Republican is the same one they give for “Are You A Carbon Based Life Form”, which I read in Cosmo some years ago. (Actually the test was, Is Your Man a Carbon-Based Life Form and If He Is, What Can you Do to Trick Him.) I knew they had quit checking SAT scores for the Republican party, that was sort of evident when, well, you know.

So, we Republicans are pitching a really, really big tent. A great big circus of a tent. And now that I am a Republican, I’m not really sure that I want to be in the same tent with all of you freaks. I mean, you can buy my books, and vote for my candidates and stuff, but, you know, don’t expect any rights, or policies that benifit you. You’re welcome in, just, you know, stay away from me. And this isn’t like the Nigerian money, either. This is real. I heard it from a guy who is famous for pretending to be a robot.

Rob Phillips sent these covers he did yesterday. Thought you guys would enjoy a different interpretation. I like them all, but the Fluke one is especially nice. (The Lamb one actually kind of creeps me out — it’s sort of hyper-real.)

Rob did these all on his own, and with no compensation, so be nice in your comments, k?

This one will appear in Ingram’s online magazine. Again, since this is a fairly obscure publication, I thought I’d share with you guys here.

Q&A with Christopher Moore, author of The Stupidest Angel

How’s life in Hawaii?

I’m still getting used to it. Being in and around the water is great, but writing is harder here because there are great distractions just out the door. On the other hand, it’s bloody hot when the trade winds stop blowing, so sitting in an air conditioned room making clicky noises on the keyboard isn’t a bad way to spend those days.

This year you’ve jumped on the Christmas novel sleigh along with other bestselling authors—what motivated you to pen a holiday tale?

I’ve wanted to do a Christmas story for years, but I always think about it at Christmastime, which is way too late or early for a short story. Actually taking the step to write a Christmas book is just as crass as you might guess. It started as a suggestion by one of the national sales reps from Harper Collins, who thought my goofy sense of humor would work in a Christmas story. I thought it would be a great way to reach a wider audience than my other books, to expose people to my sense of humor and see if it clicks

Though I’m sure your fans realize it, we must state that your tale isn’t the perfect, sickeningly sweet gift for grandma (unless she has a really good sense of humor, of course). Can you give us your own brief description of this “heartwarming tale of Christmas terror”?

It’s a few days before Christmas and the Archangel Raziel has been sent to Earth to grant a Christmas wish for one child. Little Josh Barker has just seen Santa murdered with a shovel, and it’s his greatest Christmas wish that Santa be brought back to life. Well, Raziel isn’t exactly the brightest halo in the heavenly host, so in granting Joshua’s wish, he unleashes an undead invasion on the little village of Pine Cove, right as the residents are gathered for the annual Christmas Party for the Lonesome. Much hilarity and carnage ensues. The book is peopled with my usual cast of misfits: the hippy constable, Theo, who is battling his pot habit, his wife Molly Michon, who is a retired B movie queen for whom the line between reality and her character, Kendra, Warrior Babe of the Outland, sometimes blurs, Gabe Fenton, field biologist and heartbroken uber-nerd, Tucker Case, former pilot for Mary Jean cosmetics and now helicopter pilot for the DEA, and his pet fruitbat Roberto. (For what is a Christmas Story without a fruitbat who may or may not talk? I’m not saying.)

The Stupidest Angel brings readers back to Pine Cove for a third time. Plus, you’ve brought in characters from some of your other books—including Tucker Case and Roberto the talking fruit bat from Island of the Sequined Love Nun and Raziel, the stupidest angel, from Lamb. So, is this a Christmas present for your devoted following or a clever marketing ploy to hook new readers?

Yes.

Seven-year-old Joshua Barker gets a real surprise when he witnesses what appears to be the murder of Santa. Seven seems a bit old to still believe—do you remember how old you were when you discovered Santa wasn’t real?

I was a hold out., probably until I was seven, although I was a bit of a denial prodigy, so even in the face of overwhelming evidence to the contrary, I believed in Santa. And even now, well into my really late twenties, I can’t wait for Christmas Eve when the weather radar picks up Santa’s sleigh coming down from the North Pole on the eleven o’clock news. I gotta tell you, the whole Santa, Tooth Fairy, Easter Bunny, Evil Postman of Cold Germs mythology that was propagated by my parents, then later retracted, well, it completely compromised the whole Jesus is watching you and if you don’t do your homework it will go on your permanent record arguments that came later. It just taught me that you really can’t trust grown-ups because they are feckless liars at heart. I’m yet to find any evidence to the contrary.

You’ve stated that you’re a Buddhist with Christian tendencies, so I was wondering if you celebrate Christmas? If so, what’s your favorite holiday tradition? Have you made your Christmas list?

I used to loathe Christmas – too many years working in the tourist industry, where you work really, really hard during Christmas for money you’ve already spent. Now I very much enjoy the season – seeing friends, gaining weight, showing up at strangers’ homes and staying until they feed me. It gives everyone an excuse to be overtly kind to one-another, which is nice, even if they are completely insincere. I also enjoy the crass commercialism of Christmas. I don’t really see it as a religious holiday, I see it more as big red and white commerce festival. Plus, for my money you can’t have enough colored lights in your house. If it was up to me, they’d stay up all year long, and every year I try to pull that off, but around March the mysterious woman with whom I live starts doing the “they come down before Easter, one way or another” threats, and I take them down so I don’t have to buy all new ones next year.

And my Christmas list is done, too. For Christmas this year I would like a new President.

Where did you get your twisted sense of humor?

I think from my father, who was a highway patrolman. He had that dark sense of humor that a lot of cops and emergency workers develop as a defense for dealing with death and despair on a daily basis. For instance, I used to never get to sleep on Christmas Eve – I’d stay up all night waiting for Santa, and of course, he’d never come, but my folks wouldn’t get any sleep either because I kept sneaking out of my room to check under the tree. My dad was working the night shift one Christmas Eve, (I was about five, I think) and when he got home at midnight, seeing through the front window that I was still up, he fired his service revolver into the air, then came inside and told me to go to bed, there was no sense waiting up any more, because he had shot Santa off the roof. He was that kind of guy. I think it sort of twisted me.

Another time there was a record sale at a big department store in Columbus (I grew up in Ohio) – they were selling albums for only a dollar. My mother couldn’t believe they could be so cheap, and my dad told her it was because there were no holes drilled in them and you had to drill them yourself. She believed it right up to the time they got to the record department, where my mother promptly punched my dad in the arm. I like to think that each of my readers, when they read a particularly humorous passage in on of my books, would like to punch me in the arm. Is that wrong? Does Josh’s microwave dinner trick really work or will my microwave explode if I try it?

I have no idea. I just write that stuff up because I think it’s funny and hope no one sues me if they blow themselves up. Try it, though. Go ahead, try it. No one will know.

Fluke was a Today Show Book Club Book of the Month. Did you enjoy meeting Katie, Matt, Al, and Anne? Was this your first national TV experience?

I only met Anne and Al, Katie and Matt were in Boston at the Democratic Convention. Anne was delightful, and Al seemed very nice, although I only met him in passing. Jeff Greenberg, the travel guy was very nice as well. Yes, it was my first national TV appearance. I was pretty nervous and it probably showed because Anne didn’t really let me say anything. It may be just as well. Nicholas Sparks had chosen me for the book club and he carried the ball for the bulk of the segment. He did a great job and was very generous in the way of compliments about my writing.

I know you often travel to research your novels. Have you been anywhere interesting lately and what are you currently working on?

My next two books are set in San Francisco. I’ve spend a fair amount of time in the city, just wandering around, getting a feel for it, much like I did when I wrote Bloodsucking Fiends. It’s such a beautiful, magical city – the perfect setting for horror stories. The next book is called A Dirty Job, and I can’t say a lot about it, but I think it’s sort of going to the next level as far as the ambition of a supernatural comedy. Okay, I’ll tell you one thing about it, but you have to read it in your big scary voice: THRIFTSHOP OF DEATH. After that, I’m going to write a sequel to Bloodsucking Fiends, my vampire book, called “You Suck: A Love Story”. I’ll probably pick a research intensive story after that, or I may be ready to do a book about Hawaii by then. (Fluke was set in Hawaii, but it really wasn’t about Hawaii. I’m thinking about doing something akin to my Pine Cove books, but with the Hawaiian setting.)

We love reading recommendations—what are you reading right now?

I just finished reading Syrup, by Max Barry, which I liked a lot, a funny novel about the Thunderdome that is soft-drink marketing, and I’m about a hundred pages into China Mieville’s “The Scar,” a dark fantasy, or perhaps steam-punk book, I’m not sure what he’s really doing. He has such an extraordinary imagination that reading his books is like taking a vacation in a Hieronymus Bosch painting. It’s an interesting trip, but when you close your eyes, you see creepy stuff for a while.

Anything else you’d like to add?

People will like you if you give them a copy of The Stupidest Angel for Christmas. It’s guaranteed.

You guys, I’m going to post some interviews that are going to appear in pretty “limited” publications. Most of it is stuff you guys know, but I thought I’d at least give you a look.

Here’s one from Vampirella Magazine (There’s a Vampirella Magazine?).

Can you give us a little background about yourself? Generic stats: Born, raised, family upbringing, etc. What do you do when you aren’t writing?

I was born in Ohio and grew up in small industrial towns. My father was a state patrolman and my mother sold appliances at a department store. I kinda of went to college, sort of, for a while, then I didn’t anymore. When I’m not writing I swim, surf, snorkle, mow the lawn, screw around on the internet, watch TV, read, and travel around talking about my books.

What does your work environment look like?

It’s a disaster area. Right now if I look at my desk, which is a big L-shaped monster, I have: four remote controls, a camera, two phones, two monitors, a laptop, three jars of wood putty, an electric fan, two flashlights, three cups full of pencils and pens, a stack of Post-its, a copy of Fluke, three computer catalogs, two vertical file holders, one in/out box, full, a wireless router, two firewire hard drives, a paper plate holder, two pocket knives, two pocket notebooks, two phone cards, a Wi-fi shotgun antenna, a roll of duct tape, a utility knife, a towel, a set of headphones, a flossing machine, a box of paper clips, two large plastic glasses, a cup of coffee, an electric fan, a halogen desk lamp, some puka shells, a LED head lamp, a pot holder, an inkjet printer, a box of envelopes, a set of computer speakers. And all this, given that I actually cleaned off my desk about an hour ago. I’m not kidding. Around my desk chair there are big binders full of CD-Data disks and a ton of other crap. I’m never going to be the guy with no stuff on his desk.

Can you describe an average workday?

I usually get up, have some coffee, watch the news for about twenty minutes, then I go to work on the book. I work for about four hours, then I’ll do e-mail and other administrative stuff, go to the gym and the store or go do something in the ocean, then in the evening I usually plan what I’m going to write the next day.

Was writing always foremost in your mind as a career path?

No, as I kid, I wanted to be a sailor, then a spy, then an actor, then at about fifteen I started thinking about writing for a living. A few years later I shifted my ambition to being a photographer because I didn’t think I could make a living as a writer. I got side-tracked by survival until I was about twenty-five, when I started seriously pursing a career as a writer.

Who are some of your favorite writers?

John Steinbeck, Harper Lee, Mark Twain, Carson McCullers, Billy Collins, Kurt Vonnegut, Tom Robbins, Douglas Adams, Carl Hiaasen, Neal Stephenson, William Gibson, Dave Barry and David Sedaris.

From whom do you glean inspiration from (either literary or not)

I get most of my inspiration from life, from running across goofy situations while I’m traveling or while I’m just hanging out. As for literature, lately I’ve been inspired by the simple elegant wit of the poetry of Billy Collins.

Does humor come to you naturally or is it something you worked on through other venues/writing jobs?

I think it comes to me naturally. My father was a funny guy. He had a very high sense of the silly, as well as that macabre sense of humor one often finds in cops and emergency workers who have to deal with death and human tragedy on a daily basis.

Do you see yourself more as a humorist, satirist, something in between or some creature entirely different?

I think I do a little of it all. I think that comedy better describes what I do rather than humor or satire, simply because most of the funny stuff I write is based in the characters. I have no problem with all elements of humor, however. I’ve even been able to pull off some physical comedy in my books, which I wouldn’t have thought possible (it’s sort of a contradiction in terms, isn’t it) but when I wrote Coyote Blue, which featured the Native American trickster god Coyote, I was forced to write “visual or physical” comedy because that is really more of Coyote’s nature than is rhetorical humor. It worked.

Have you ever considered writing a “straight” book – one that doesn’t utilize humor?

I’ve considered it, but I don’t think I’m capable of it. I mean, I could probably write an unfunny book, but not on purpose.

Are you your worst critic? Have you ever finished writing and said “Geez, What was I thinking?”

Usually, when I’m about a third of the way through a book, I’ll walk around the house going, “Well no wonder it’s not working, it was a stupid idea to begin with.” By then it’s usually too late to turn around, so I just stagger on, finish the book, then get nauseated for a couple of weeks when I think about reading the manuscript. (I’m not kidding. My stuff, right after I finish, nauseates me.)

Given your abilities to write both humorously and with a fantasy bent, why do you feel it necessary to do extensive research when working on a book (EG, for Lamb I understand you traveled to the Middle East.). Why not just make things up completely?

I really want people to be able to identify with the characters. Even if they have extraordinary lives. I am going to be asking the reader to suspend a lot of disbelief, and the best way to do that is to give them reality in which to stay grounded. I also like the idea of my readers learning something in the context of the book, painlessly, joyfully. I’m not out there to lecture, but I think readers come away from my books knowing a little more than when they went in (I know I do). And I have to know a subject pretty well in order to write funny stuff about it.

Are you thoroughly upset that you didn’t have to pull a Salman Rushdie and go into hiding after the lack of Religious backlash from “Lamb?”

I’m not upset, but I’m a little surprised. People, especially people of faith, have been overwhelmingly positive about Lamb. I’ve been pleasantly surprised that people “got it”, and that gave me a little faith in the intelligence of my fellow Americans at a time when I thought that they’d abandoned intelligence for Jingoism and knee-jerk Patriotically Correct responses to everything. There are a lot of bright, tolerant, funny people in this country, and I had started to think that wasn’t the case.

Your next book is “The Stupidest Angel.” Can you offer a synopsis? (Spoiler free obviously) I understand it’s a Christmas tale, but do you think you’ve got another chance at pissing off the religious types?

The Stupidest Angel is, very simply, the story of an angle who comes to Earth at Christmastime to grant the Christmas prayer of a small boy, and because the angel isn’t exactly the brightest halo in the host, he completely screws up the assignment, thus putting the little village of Pine Cove into a Yule-tide battle with undead evil. It’s darkly cheerful, or cheerfully dark. Something like that. Oh yeah, it’s pretty funny too. I don’t think it will garner any negative reaction from religious types, but it does have a cute little cartoon angel on the cover, and a few people might buy it for a kid or their grandma, then be surprised when the get to the people boning in the graveyard and the cannibalism.

Seriously though, religion seems to be becoming a topic important to your writing. Is it close to your heart? Why so? Are you trying to convey some message to your loyal masses?

I play in the realm of mythology, and lets’ face it, mythology is just a religion that you don’t believe in. I like thinking about faith, the basis of religions, and the stories that come from mythology. There’s no real message beyond trying to recognize that as human beings, what unites us is our human frailty, from which faith often springs. Faith is the result of the human consciousness trying to impose order on chaos, storytelling is no different.

You’ve had fun writing about everything from Christianity and Native American lore to Vampires, Sea Creatures and marine biology. Is nothing safe from you?

As long as I’m interested enough in a subject to spend a couple of years of my life thinking about it, I’ll write about anything. I tend to be more interested in cultures than in hard science, in the human element, if you will , but as long as something is interesting and I can find a story in it, I’ll pursue it.

Now that “Angel” is close to release, any thoughts as to who’s or what’s next in your line of literary sights?

I think it’s time to write about Death. In the last couple of years I helped care for my dying mother as well as my dying mother-in-law. I got a very close look at death and dying and the experiences gave me some perspective I didn’t have before. We tend to ignore death as a part of life, when, obviously it’s something we all will go through. It’s time to explore the archetypes of this under-examined human experience, and make fun of it.

Do you have a secret deal with Stephen King to have as many books set in Pine Cove as he does his in Castle Rock?

I tend to write about Pine Cove when I am either out of money or out of time. Pine Cove is based on Cambria, California, where I lived for twenty years (until I recently moved to Hawaii). Since I didn’t have to travel to research Pine Cove, whenever I was up against deadline, I would write about the little town. My first book was set there because I couldn’t afford to go anywhere to research. I like writing about Pine Cove because there is a dynamic in a small town, where every ripple will effect everyone else. I probably learned the (small town) multiple point of view construction of a horror story from Stephen King’s Salem’s Lot, so I suppose I need to give him props for that.

You’ve mentioned in previous interviews the possibility of a sequel to “Bloodsucking Fiends” (it really does scream for a Part 2). Other than that, however – are you not a fan of sequels? Do you find them too anti-climactic? Is it a matter of “Been there, done that”?

I’ve never wanted to do the same book twice. It probably has as much to do with my own short attention span as anything else. That said, Bloodsucking Fiends was always meant to have a sequel. The problem was that my publisher at the time, sort of dropped the ball on the release of Fiends, and they put a hideously ugly cover on it, so the hardcover didn’t do that well. You’re not going to get anyone to pay you to do a sequel to a book that didn’t do that well, so I went on to other projects that didn’t have that negative track record.

Now, after ten years, the paperback has stayed in print and has done consistently well, so my current publisher has agreed to release a sequel to Fiends. This one is called YOU SUCK: A Love Story, and it opens up the day after the last book ends. I’ll start it sometime next year, and if it does well, I may even do a third one. I really enjoyed writing the characters in that book, Tommy and Jody, who were both smartasses. I’m really looking forward to hanging out with them again, as well as hanging out in San Francisco again, which is my favorite city and a great setting for “gothic” stories.

Some of your books have been optioned for movies. Are any closer to coming to life than others, or has Hollywood bureaucracy driven you crazy? Maybe they need a lesson taught with a book about them?

The Hollywood book is not a bad idea, but to be honest, I learned early on, when there was a big splash when my first book, Practical Demonkeeping was bought for a film, then nothing happened, that it was just best to keep pursuing my career as a novelist and generally ignore what was going on in Hollywood. As of now, all of my books except for Stupidest Angel have been optioned, but no one has gotten past the script stage. Meanwhile it’s nearly fourteen years since Disney bought Demonkeeping. I would have gone nuts if I’d tried to keep my hand in the mix in Hollywood. I like writing books. I have a lot more control over my destiny there.

What’s immediately next for you? And I mean **immediately** (in the next five minutes. Quick!)

Thought I’d get another cup of coffee.

Okay, you guys, there will be a Stupidest Angel tour, starting the first week in December. The book will be out on October 12th, but I’m not touring right away.

The tentative cities are:

Denver Seattle Portland Los Angeles San Diego San Francisco

There may be cities added as well and there may be more than one event in some of the cites.

I will also appear at PNBA, the Pacific Northwest Booksellers Association Convention in Portland on September 11-12, and the Barnes and Nobel Manager’s meeting in Ft. Lauderdale on Sept 29.

I’ll post updates as I get them. Ignore the NO TOUR posts in other parts of the board.

So, as you all probably know, the Governor of New Jersey is stepping down due to the fact that he likes guys. You know, more than most people, I mean.

Thing is, even democrats want him to resign before November 15th,so a new election can be held and a new governor installed for the next four (or six, I’m not sure) years.

Problem is, the dems want to run John Corizine, the ex-investment banker senator from the Garden State.

Problem is, Corizine, despite that he won the office by throwing tons of his own money at it, has actually turned out to be a pretty good senator who has seats on several powerful committees, and we can ill-afford to lose a good Democratic senator right now.

Solution?

Governor Gay Guy resigns, and for governor we run…

That’s right:

Bruce Springsteen.

Like he would even have to campaign. There he’d be, governor of one of the more powerful and populace states in the union.

One, maybe two terms as an incredibly popular governor, and…

That’s right:

The President of the United State of America, The Leader of the Free World, Bruce Springsteen.

First hundred days: Born to Run is made the national anthem. Clarence Clemens is made the head of FEMA (that’s right, the Master of Disaster), Miami Steve is made secretary of Heath and Human Services, Bono becomes ambassador to the UN (under the conditon that he never wear racketball goggles unless he’s actually playing fucking raquetball), and the first lady is a hot redhead who plays guitar.

Yes, it’s true, there was a time, when as a drive-time DJ, I tried to rally a campaign to have Springsteen retroactively killed in a plane crash right after the Darkness on the Edge of Town album. For that, I am deeply sorry. (But dude, he was going through this whiny Roy Orbison/Woody Guthrie phase and something needed to be done. Those were desperate times, as are these.)

All I’m saying is, at every baseball game, someone has to get up and sing Born to Run. At some point, Celine Dion will have to sing the words, “Baby this town rips the bones from your back, it’s a death trap, it’s a suicide rap.” How can that be a bad thing?

State of the Union Address? Introduction by vice president John Stewart. Maybe fifteen minutes of, “Hey, we got your back.” Then, “My fellow Amercans, the state of the union is… WE ROCK!” the Boss rocks the capitol for three hours, Bonnie and Jackson singing back-up, Republicans and Democrats wave lighters in the air, united, 535 points of light, like a starmap in a primative planetarium, and they sing along:

“And the poets down here they don’t write nothin’ at all, they just stand back and let it all be…”

The Boss abides. Amen.