Christopher Moore's Blog

Well kids, you submitted your questions and here’s your answers. Submit your questions in the comments for the next edition, and remember, it doesn’t have to be about me. The AuthorGuy knows all, and what he doesn’t know, he will totally make up some shit about…

Rabbit inquires:
How much wood would a wood chuck chuck if a wood chuck could chuck wood?

AuthorGuy: I would tell you, but then you’d have no reason to go on living. Just be satisfied that you would not want to see a wood chuck chuck wood. The horror! The horror! Besides, you need a time limit. There’s too many variables in the equation. It’s a rodent thing with you, isn’t it, Rabbit? You’re just interested in rodent wood. You sick, sick bastard!

InsaneBeeYotch asks:
How come the pirates in Somali are not cool like the pirates of the Caribbean?

Authorguy: Well, Insane, I think it comes down to three major factors, Somali pirates are not as cool because they: a)Don’t have big hats with feathers b)don’t have parrots (or monkeys) on their shoulders, and c)are not based on an amusement park ride.

Nemotoad queries:
What’s the deal with all the talk of monkeys in Fool.

Authorguy: When I was doing my research I found out that people in the Middle Ages were fascinated with monkeys, or the “idea” of monkeys, since most had never seen one. A couple of the Medieval cathedrals I visited in the UK actually had images of monkeys in the stained glass windows along with the saints and miracles and whatnot. Besides, haven’t you always wanted a monkey? (Yes, I love that line from the Bare Naked Ladies Song.)

Gari Jo Axes:
Why do zombies want to eat brains and then go shopping at IKEA?
AuthorGuy: Because brains go perfectly with flat box Scandinavian furniture. Duh.

PsychoBabble Inquires:
What is your current stance on ostriches?
AuthorGuy: I like ‘em battered and fried, with just a little hot sauce on the side.

ROCKDJ Queries
Do you think fish sauce should be renamed?
TheAuthorGuy: Yes. It should be called “guess what” sauce.

Jurceka has Three Questions:
1.Are you allergic to anything interesting? Or (an alternative in case you are not blessed with any intriguing or particularly unfortunate allergies) do you have any interesting scars, due to either background story or shape?

TheAuthorGuy: Strangely enough, I have an allergy to velociraptor dander, although mercifully, it’s seasonal. I have a scar on my scalp with the number 668 – apparently I am The Neighbor of the Beast.

2. Did you pursue any of the career’s before this one? (I apologize if this has already been covered and I have just breezed on by.)

TheAuthorGuy: Not really careers. I had jobs, many. I was an insurance broker, grocery clerk, waiter, DJ, night auditor, roofer, it goes on and on. I actually held a number of these jobs simultaneously, so I did hang in there for a while. I wasn’t switching jobs every six months or anything.

3.Do you have any personal religious affiliations or have you in the past?

TheAuthorGuy: I was Baptized Methodist. I have no idea what Methodists really are, but my book Lamb is being taught in a Methodist seminary, so that’s nice. Currently I’m a Mahayana Buddhist, but not a good one. I’m kind of a Christmas and Easter Buddhist.

Journal Ecstasy Axes:
What do you do for fun?
Authorguy: I enjoy eating and I’ve been trying to learn how to paint the last year or so. (Oil paint, on canvas, not like barn paint.) I also like to take pictures. I just don’t have time to sort my pictures.

SoItGoes inquires:
You have no plans on retirement, do you?
Authorguy: Absolutely not, but males in my family usually croak before they get to my age, so I might be retired without a plan.

JustJohnB floats the interrogative:
Hey Chris, how come you’re not on Twitter? Do you think it sucks or something?

Authorguy: I am on Twitter as TheAuthorGuy, and yes, I do think it sucks. I’ve been on about a week, but it’s wearing pretty thin pretty quickly. I’ll hang in for a while.

Michelle asks:
I want you to make a good living from your craft so you continue to entertain and enlighten me, so is it in YOUR best interest for me to purchase audio books, hard cover first editions, ebooks, or paperbacks? If I buy the audio books is it more profitable for you if I buy cds or download online?

AuthorGuy: Awe, that’s nice. The best way for you to make sure I get a share is to buy a hardcover when it’s first out from a bookseller. Next to that, a paperback. I won’t be doing any special limited editions any more unless the books go out of print or something. That was not a pleasant experience for anyone. As for audio books, I’d buy them from Audible or Itunes. I’m not sure how much I make, but I listen to them on my Ipod and ripping the CDs is a pain in the ass. If you listen in the car, the discs are probably best.

Laura queries:
Have you ever considered going all Mitch Albom or, less sappily, Ray Bradbury with Dandelion Wine and writing a semi-autobiographical piece? I figure if you can make Jesus funny, you could definitely add some punch to the rather soggy world of memoir.

Authorguy: I’m not sure my life is more interesting, or that people would be interested enough to want to read that. If I live to be old, I’ll think about it.

FOOL TOUR FAQS
Hey kids, I finally finished all the scheduled events for the Fool tour. Thanks to everyone who came so I thought I’d address all the questions you asked and didn’t get to ask while I was out there.

1. You’re taller than I thought you’d be.

1. That’s not a question.

2: Okay. How come you don’t go on Jon Stewart.

2. They haven’t asked me because Jon Stewart doesn’t care about white people.

3. How come you didn’t come to my town?

3. Because I don’t care about white people.

4. Do I need to read King Lear before I read Fool in order to get the jokes.

4. Absolutely not. If anything, if you haven’t read it already, I’d read the play or watch a DVD of it after you read Fool. I think the best DVD of Lear is the BBC production with Lawrence Olivier as Lear. If you get a chance, though, go see it live. It really works (not surprisingly) better as a play than as a movie.

5. Where can I get one of those hats you wear when you sign books.

5. I don’t know. The hat gnome left this one on my couch.

6. Did you get a lot of hassle over Lamb from Christians and right wingers.

6. Nope. People like that book.

7. Can you read my story and tell me if it’s any good?

7. No. I don’t need to read it. It is good. Very good. You’re amazing.

8. Don’t be a dick. I know you can’t read people’s stories for legal and time concerns, but I need help.

8. No you don’t. You’re awesome. You should get a copy of the Writer’s Market, find out how to write a query letter, and start sending that mama-jama out.

9. Okay then, I’m taking screenwriting in college and I’d like to adapt your book Lamb (or others) and make a film. Is that okay?

9. No. You can’t adapt a script from a property you don’t own the rights to, and I can’t give you permission, even if I wanted to, because I don’t own the rights either because I sold them to people who are busy not making movies of them.

10: Are you going to write a sequel to Lamb?

10. No. I think that story is finished and anything I would come up with you would say fell short. (Admit it, you would.)

11. What are you working on now?

11. I’m finishing up Bite Me: A Love Story, the third in the San Francisco vampire series.

12. What do you like to read?

12: I like funny novels, of course, but increasingly my reading time is taken up with research material. You can find a lot of books I’ve enjoyed at Chris’s Picks on my web page. Right now I’m reading The Masterpiece by Emile Zola, The World Gone Away, by Nick Harkaway, and a bunch of Marvel Comics that the publisher sent me. (Yeah, I’m friends with the guys at Marvel. Wolverine was at my house for Thanksgiving last year. He’s like, “Let me carve the turkey! Let me carve the turkey!” And I’m all, “Whatever, Ginsu, just try to keep your sideburns out of the friggin’ giblets. “)

13: Are any movies being made of your books?

13.No. Most of the books have sold or have been optioned. Currently I have the rights back to A Dirty Job, Lust Lizard, Fluke, Coyote Blue and Fool. All but Fool have been in development at film companies, which is movie talk for not making a movie. Stage rights are the same thing.

14. What about A Dirty Job sequel? Any chance?

14. That one I would consider. I really like writing the characters. I’ll have to think about it and see how it fits into my schedule.

15. Why don’t you write a young adult book or a kids’ book so I can give them to my kids?

15. Because if they were kids’ books they wouldn’t be my books, would they? You need to give kids an incentive to grow up other than they can have cake for breakfast. You’ll thank me later.

16. When is your next book coming out?

16. I can’t say for sure, but I’d guess summer or fall 2010. Hopefully by then I’ll be able to visit some of the towns that have been missed because I’ve been touring in February the last couple of books.

17. How come you don’t ever come to Canada on tour.

17. Because Canada is a myth people made up to entertain children, like the Tooth Fairy. There’s no such place.

You can submit your own questions for “Ask the AuthorGuy in the comments and I’ll do a blog on them later. They can be about anything, not just Author Guy related stuff.

I was on Talk of the Nation this afternoon. Here’s the podcast in case you missed it.

By the way, in the performance of Lear that the woman calls in about, Ian McKellan appeared nude for the storm scene. In Shakespeare’s time he would have been jailed. But, that said, there’s no way I can complete with his beknighted junk. (I wish I’d said that on the air, but I was sort of flabbergasted.)

“Talk of the Nation Talks Fool”

Here’s a piece I wrote on Shakespeare’s “new” portrait. It appears in today’s Chronicle. They changed the title. The orginal was the title of this post.

The Face of Heaven So Fine

(And no, I can’t come to your town so don’t ask because I can’t. Because I can’t, that’s why. And if you keep asking I will turn this car around and head right back home.)

Thursday, March 12, 2009

National Public Radio
Talk of the Nation
11:40-12:00 PM PST (2:40-3:00pm EST)

Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Capitola, CA

Capitola Book Café
1475 41st AVE
Capitola, CA 95010
Main Phone: 831.462.4415

Friday, March 27, 2009
Petaluma, CA

Copperfield’s Books
140 Kentucky St Petaluma, CA 94952
Main Phone: 831.462.4415

Wednesday, April 1st, 2009
Houston Texas

BORDERS
3025 Kirby Dr – Houston, TX 77098
Main Phone: 214-363-9305

So, I just found out that Fool will debut on the New York Times Hardcover Bestseller list at #4. And I’m very grateful to you readers for that.

But I want to say this:

#4: Fool. Totally funny book with tons of redeeming references to English literature, but not so many that it ruins the murders and the shagging.

#3 Stephanie Meyers: Her vampires are sparkly. Which I think we can all agree is wrong. Okay, maybe not in this book, but still. I think The Host is about a cocktail party gone bad.

#2 James Patterson, I’ve heard he keeps a large stable of Vietnamese children chained in his basement who actually write his books for him. In his defense though, he goes down there and describes sunlight to them and gives them a Mountain Dew if they’ve turned in their book for that week.

#1 John Grisham: Has a law degree, and therefore could totally get another job, while I have no other skills so this writey thing is it for me. So it’s, you know, unfair.

Just sayin’.

So, yesterday I told you how I made a complete asshat of myself by yelling at an old lady in a wheelchair.

And until last night, that was really the only person in 18 years of touring, that I could ever consider a heckler. Until last night, but more about that later…

So a couple of years pass, and I’ve gotten over the fact that I’m a horrible human being for yelling at an old lady in a wheelchair, even if her hat was clearly stupid, which it was.

And I’m in San Francisco when Terry Pratchett is coming to town to promote his new book. And I’ve had the same editor as Terry for years, but we’ve never met. But in talking to my editor, she says, you should go by the event and say hi. He’d love to meet you. So I did.

So I’m sitting in a good sized crowd, with my lovely and talented wife-like girlfriend Chuck (yes, she was a girl we called Chuck long before Pushing Daisies –R.I.P.) and Terry gets up and starts to speak. But before he gets three words out, someone behind us yells.

“Speak up, you’re mumbling.”

And Terry is visibly shaken, and he was also not mumbling. In fact, he was enunciating quite clearly.

But he begins again, and two sentences in, someone yells,
“Would you speak up?! You’re talking into your chest!”

Which he wasn’t. He was speaking clearly and powerfully into the microphone.

And I bend over and whisper to Chuck, “It’s like that old lady in the hat at Yerba Buena.”

And Chuck looks back. Then turns around and says, “It is.”

And I’m all, “OMFGEIGHTPOUNDBABYJESUSONAPOGOSTICK WHAT?”

And I turn around, and it’s her. The old lady in the stupid cowboy hat who sapped my public-speaking confidence, but this time I know three things: 1)Terry was not mumbling 2)the yelling is coming from an old lady in a wheelchair and 3)I could probably take her.
But I didn’t. I took the example of my British colleague in letters, and gallantly buggered on, ignoring the malevolent mechanized hag altogether.

No wonder Terry is the best-selling author in the U.K.

That said, I’m doing an event in the Bay Area next month. And Hat Lady, let it be known, I’m coming for you.

Oh, no, I won’t roll you down the steps like Richard Widmark in that noir film where he rolls the old lady down the steps, no matter how much you may deserve it. But I have one of those portable air horns. Those ones that can be heard from miles away. And when you least expect it, when you’re sitting there, warming up your raspy pipes to shout, “You’re mumbling!” I will sneak up behind you, and you WILL hear my message. You may not walk again, but you will stand. Oh yes. You will stand up.

Mumble that, grandma.

So, I’m out here on book tour, and one of the anecdotes I’ve been telling is about how once, in a darkened theater, someone in the crowd kept yelling for me to speak up, and every time I’d start to speak again, she’d interrupt me, and say:

“You’re mumbling, you’re speaking into your chest!”

All I could see of her, was one of those red cowboy hats that is typically packaged with two little chromed plastic guns. So on the fourth time she yelled:

“Speak up, you’re mumbling!”
I yelled,
“Well, your hat is stupid!”

Then a man stood up behind her, and shouted, “She was coming to your signings when there were only three people!” And he started to push her wheelchair out of the theater. I yelled at an old lady in a wheelchair. And to be honest, twice, because as she rolled by, she screeched, “You’re still mumbling!”
And I said, “Well your hat is still stupid!”
So, not my best moment. But I am vindicated later. You’ll have to check tomorrow.

But last night, I’m telling this story, and a guy comes up later and tells me about how some kid is kicking the back of his seat through a cross country flight. And after about two hours go by, he can’t take it, and he turns around and unloads on the mother and father for not disciplining their bratty kid. And about half-way through his tirade, he sees that they are all wearing “Make a Wish” T-shirts, and the kid has sort of a mangy haircut.
So I felt better. Because at least I didn’t yell at a Make a Wish kid.
I told him that he should go on book tour….
From the road
Christopher Moore

I’m not supposed to put this on my blog until next week, but I think it’s okay to link to it, so here’s the guest blog I’m doing for the spiffy people at Powell’s Book Store:

Oh Hai, You must be Brazilian.

Four videos. Just me meeting with some readers who read one of the advanced copy of Fool, plus,
at the end, the complete works of Shakespeare explained:

<a href="http://www.bordersmedia.com/borderspresents/moore?cmpid=SL_20090210_REW"BOOK GROUP TALKIN’ ‘BOUT FOOL>