Christopher Moore's Blog

Since more people read the blog than the BBS posts, I’ve moved these lists here as a public service.

Movies that would have been Markedly Improved by the Inclusion of some Brain Eating Zombies:

Room with a View Remains of the Day Age of Innocence Fame Pride and Prejudice Brokeback Mountain Blue Crush Miss Congeniality 2 Closer Ordinary People The Last Three Starwars Movies Who’s Afraid of Virginia Wolf? Chicago Terminal Citizen Kane Casablanca Lilo and Stitch Flashdance

Now, before you go, "Hey, Casablanca was a great movie!" Think. Yes, it was a great movie, but how much greater would it have been with brain-eating zombies? Huh? Huh? Huh?

"Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but soon, and forever. But we’ll always have — Elisa! Look out! Arrrrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggg!"

(Note, because I thought it was unfair to single-out one actor, I removed "anything that Ben Affleck has ever been in" from the list, even though I think even Ben himself would have to admit, that they would all have been better movies with brain-eating zombies added. This is not a comment on Mr. Affleck’s performances, only on the fact that he is in a lot of really shitty movies.)

I think I’ve made my point.

Brain-eating zombies are like the Pepperidge Farm Goldfish crackers of Cinema — there’s almost no situation that they would not improve.

Now, a list of Shakespeare’s plays that could be improved by Brain Eating Zombies:

All of them.

"To be, or not to be, or to be again, or to kinda sorta be — brainnnnnnnnns!"

"Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your ears, I come to bury Caesar, not to praise him. Yet there he be, walking around, calling for brainnnnnnnns!"

"Oh, what foods these mortals be — brainnnnns!"

"If you prick them, do they not bleed? If you chop off their heads, do they not stop chanting brainnnnnns!"

"We few, we happy few, we band of brothers.–And those now abed in England, shall hold their lives cheap, when they hear of the brains we did eat, upon St. Crispin’s day!"

"How sharper than a serpents tooth it is to have a brain-eating child!"

"By the pricking of my thumbs, something wicked this way comes. Darkling prince, evil thane, he riseth up to eat your brain."

I THINK I’VE MADE MY POINT

NOW A LIST OF ANDREW LLOYD WEBER MUSICALS THAT COULD BE IMPROVED BY THE ADDITION OF BRAIN-EATING ZOMBIES

Jesus Christ, Superstar

"I don’t know how to eat him."

Evita

"Don’t eat my brains Argentina."

Cats

"Memories — eating nothing more than memories…"

Phantom of the Opera

Sorry, the only way that Zombies could make this tolerable is if they could travel back in time and eat Andrew Lloyd Webers brain before he writes it, thus keeping this abomination from being created.

COMMENTS: http://bbs.chrismoore.com/viewtopic.php?p=68687#68687

Here’s a new interview from Clayton Moore and About.com. (Yes, the Lone Ranger).

I think he did a terrific job, despite the embarassing title.

It’s a long interview — just so you know…

http://contemporarylit.about.com/od/authorinterviews/a/chrisMooreInt.htm

COMMENTS: http://bbs.chrismoore.com/viewtopic.php?t=6030

Dear President Bush:

In the past I have been a harsh critic of your administration and your supporters, for pretty-much every move you have made. Of your many lame-brained moves, the one I have criticized most, is the prosecution of the war in Iraq. I’ve always been against it, I remain against it, and not only do I think that your administration manipulated Congress and the American people into giving you the authority to go to war, I think your people have pretty-much screwed it up from the get go, and continue to do so. But that said, I have to give you big props for one thing: You do not shrink from the proposition of bombing the shit out of people in other countries. I figure if there’s brush to be cleared or some brown people to be bombed, you are the man to call. Therefore, with one of your stronger skill sets in mind, and in the spirit of bi-partisanship, please let me point out these recent events, pasted meticulously out of an Associated Press article:

Mobs of Muslim protesters swarm through Maiduguri, the capital of Borno State in northeastern Nigeria, with machetes, sticks and iron rods, The A.P. said. One group threw a tire around a man, poured gas on him and set him ablaze.

In India, a politician in the nation’s largest state has offered an $11 million reward for the killing of any of the Danish cartoonists "who dared to make the caricature of the Prophet," according to Indian news media reports published Saturday. The state government official, Haji Yaqoob Quereshi, made the announcement at a rally in the north Indian town of Meerut after Friday Prayer.

(Okay, clearly clearing brush is not where I’m going with this, in case you were getting confused.)

Mr. President, I must confess here, for clarity, that I am a Buddhist. (Although I wrote a book about Jesus, which is taught in theology courses in several liberal universities, so — you know — I get you.) When the Taliban destroyed 2000 year old statues of the Buddha in Afghanistan, did I riot in the street? Did I set people on fire or beat Mullahs and kids to death? Nope. Because I’m a Buddhist, and we are all about tolerance. But I am also a humorist, and it is as a humorist, that I must now come forward and appeal to you to do what you do best: bomb the fuck out of these sons-a-bitches. You need to bomb them and keep bombing them until they get some perspective on their religion and develop a sense of humor.

You need to violate sovereign nations and drop precision-guided munitions in the squares and streets where this stuff is being done. You need to send Rangers and Special forces, Black Ops, stealth bombers, Navy Seals, smart bombs, bunker busters, Easter Seals, and if he’s still available, Chuck Norris and a Total Gym; you need to send dolphins with laser helmets, bomb-sniffing dogs, and bio-engineered, Southern Baptist killer robots (I know you have them, you just can’t reveal it because it’s not to your political advantage to do so). You need to send them into Nigeria and Libya and India and Pakistan and even England, and the first person who raises his hand to hurt someone over a cartoon, needs to have his light put out with extreme prejudice. You need to murder tens of thousands, maybe hundreds of thousands, as many as it takes until these people realize that they are behaving like a bunch of dysfunctional douche-nozzles (which is bad). You need to set an example, Mr. President. You need to show what violent power driven by complete ignorance can really achieve. I’m counting on you. It’s not just what you do, it’s what you’re good at.

You must remember, Mr. President, that your God was stupid and vengeful at one point, too. It’s a stage they go through. ( Like being 13. They think they know everything and they won’t listen to anyone.) That’s why He had to revise his book to focus on forgiveness, rather than vengeance and destruction.

You know, do say something first. Because if everyone goes home, shrugs and realizes that the rest of the world doesn’t necessarily believe the way they do, and that that’s okay, as long as no one gets hurt, well then, never-mind, game over, forget I said anything — throw a Frisbee for the bomb-sniffing dogs, put the killer robots and the laser dolphins back in the garage, (try to keep the original wrappers intact so you’ll get more for them on E-bay) because everyone will have come to his senses — everyone will remember that we are all bound together by our humanity, and that at the heart of that humanity is human frailty, for which we must all forgive each other.

But, barring that realization, you need to get your Jesus on and bomb the fuck out of them.

Thank you for your time.

God Bless America.

Sincerely, Your Royal Subject, Christopher Moore COMMENTS: http://bbs.chrismoore.com/viewtopic.php?p=65134#65134

Here’s the tentative tour schedule, kids. There may be changes, but so far this looks like the deal. In addition, for those of you who want signed books, but can’t get to an event, I’m listing four bookstores who will get books signed for you when I’m there, and will send them to you (at a reasonable price, too). You can even have them personalized. Just be sure to let them know A.S.A.P so they will have enough books on hand.

All the links aren’t highlighted, so you’ll have to cut and paste them in your browser if they don’t "click". (Lifes too short.)

Tour Schedule

SAN FRANCISCO/BAY AREA: Tuesday March 21, 7:30 PM PST Books Inc. 2251 Chestnut St. (Marina District) San Francisco CA 94123 415-931-3633 94123 www.booksinc.net <http://www.booksinc.net> SAN FRANCISCO/BAY AREA: Wednesday March 22, 7:30 PM PST Copperfields 2316 Montgomery Dr. Santa Rosa, CA 95405 707-578-8938 http:copperfields.booksense.com SAN FRANCISCO/BAY AREA: Thursday March 23, 12 PM PST (Signing only) M Is for Mystery 86 E. Third Ave. San Mateo, CA 94401 650-401-8077 www.mformystery.com <http://www.mformystery.com> SAN FRANCISCO/BAY AREA: Thursday March 23, 7:30 PM PST Capitola Bookstore 1475 41st Ave. Capitola, CA 95010 831-462-6297 www.capitolabookcafe.com <http://www.capitolabookcafe.com> SEATTLE: Friday March 24, 7:00 PM PST University Bookstore 4326 University Way NE Seattle, WA 98105 425-462-4500 www.bookstore.washington.edu <http://www.bookstore.washington.edu> SEATTLE: Saturday, March 25, 6:30 PM PST Third Place Books 17171 Bothell Way NE Lake Forest Park, WA 98155 206-366-3333 www.thirdplacebooks.com <http://www.thirdplacebooks.com> PORTLAND, OR: Sunday, March 26, 7:30 PM PST Powell’s City of Books 1005 W. Burnside Ave. Portland, OR 97209 800-291-9676 www.powells.com <http://www.powells.com> BOULDER, CO: Monday, March 27, 7:30 PM MST Boulder Bookstore 1107 Pearl St. Boulder, CO 80302 303-447-2074 www.boulderbookstore.com <http://www.boulderbookstore.com> DENVER, CO: Tuesday, March 28, 7:30 PM MST Tattered Cover (Lodo) 1628 16th. St. Denver, CO 800-833-9327 www.tatteredcover.com <http://www.tatteredcover.com> LAS VEGAS, NV: Thursday, March 30, 7:00 PM MST Clark County Library Jewel Box Theater 1401 E. Flamingo Road Las Vegas, NV 89119 702-507-3400 http://www.lvccld.org/events/ PHOENIX, AZ: Friday, March 31, 12 PM MST Poisoned Pen Central 215 E. Grant St. Phoenix, AZ 85004 602-252-0663 www.poisonedpen.com <http://www.poisonedpen.com> PHOENIX, AZ: Friday, March 31, 7:00 PM MST Changing Hands 6428 S. McClintock Dr. Tempe, AZ 85283 480-730-0205 www.changinghands.com <http://www.changinghands.com> AUSTIN, TX: Sunday, April 2, 3:00 PM CDT Bookpeople 603 N. Lamar St. Austin, TX 78703 512-472-5050 www.bookpeople.com <http://www.bookpeople.com>

APRIL 4 , Orange County, Time and place TBA (E-mail me with suggestions for a venue here, you guys. O.C. peeps have been dogging me to come there for years, well, we need a good event bookstore to come to. )

LOS ANGELES, CA: Wednesday, April 5, 7 PM PDT Vroman’s 695 E. Colorado Blvd. Pasadena, CA 91101 626-449-5320 www.vromansbookstore.com <http://www.vromansbookstore.com> SAN DIEGO, CA: Thursday, April 6, 7:00 PM PDT Mysterious Galaxy 705 Clairemont Mesa Blvd. #302 San Diego, CA 92111 858-268-4747 http://mysteriousgalaxy.booksense.com/NASApp/store DETROIT: Saturday, April 8, 6 PM EDT Borders #180 34300 Woodward Ave. Birmingham MI 48009 248-203-0005 http://www.bordersstores.com/stores/store_pg.jsp?storeID=180> CHICAGO: Sunday, April 9, 2 PM CDT Anderson’s Bookshop 123 W.Jefferson Ave. Naperville IL 60540 630-355-2665 www.andersonsbookshop.com <http://www.andersonsbookshop.com> MILWAUKEE: Monday, April 10, 7 PM CDT Harry W. Schwartz Bookshops 2559 N. Downer St. Milwaukee, WI 53211 414-332-1181 www.schwartzbooks.com <http://www.schwartzbooks.com> MINNEAPOLIS: Tuesday, April 11, 7:00 PM CDT Barnes & Noble #2614 2100 N. Snelling Ave. Roseville, MN 55113 651-639-9256 www.bn.com <http://www.bn.com> DAYTON: Wednesday, April 12, 7:00 PM EDT Books & Company 350 E. Stroop Road 937-297-6365 Dayton OH 45429 www.booksandco.com <http://www.booksandco.com> LEXINGTON, KY: Thursday, April 13, 7:00 PM EDT Joseph-Beth Booksellers 161 Lexington Green Circle Lexington, KY 40503 859-422-1424 http://www.josephbeth.com/ PHILADELPHIA, PA: Saturday April 15, 1:00 PM EDT Chester County Book & Music Company West Goshen Center 975 Paoli Pike West Chester, PA 19380 610-696-1661 www.ccbmc.com <http://www.ccbmc.com> NEW YORK CITY: Monday April 17, 7:00 PM EDT Barnes & Noble #2538 675 Sixth Avenue @ W. 22nd St. New York, NY 10010 212-727-1227 www.bn.com <http://www.bn.com> NEW YORK CITY/WESTCHESTER COUNTY: Tuesday, April 18, 7:30 PM EDT “Spoken Interludes" Trinity Grill 7-9 Purdy St. Harrison, NY 914-422-1869 www.spokeninterludes.com <http://www.spokeninterludes.com> WASHINGTON, DC: Wednesday April 19, 7:00 PM EDT Olsson’s Arlington Courthouse 2111 Wilson Blvd. Arlington, VA 22201 703-525-4227 www.olssons.com/arlington.htm <http://www.olssons.com/arlington.htm>. SAN FRANCISCO/BAY AREA: Thursday April 20, 7:00 PM PDT Book Passage 51 Tamal Vista Blvd. Corte Madera, CA 94925 415-927-0960 http://www.bookpassage.com/ SAN FRANCISCO/BAY AREA: Friday April 21, 7:30 PM PDT Books Inc. 301 Castro St. Mountain View, CA 94041 650-428-1234 www.booksinc.com <http://www.booksinc.com> PORTLAND, OR: Sunday April 23 TIME TK “Wordstock” Oregon Convention Center 777 NE Martin Luther King, Jr. Blvd. Portland, OR 97232 www.oregoncc.org <http://www.oregoncc.org> ANCHORAGE, AK: Monday, April 24, TIME TK AKDT Title Wave Books 1360 W. Northern Lights Blvd. Anchorage, AK 99503 1-888-598-9283 1-907-278-9283 (in Anchorage) www.wavebooks.com <http://www.wavebooks.com>

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Order your signed books from:

Mysterious Galaxy in San Diego will fulfill orders for signed or personalized books for my April 6 signing there. Email orders@mystgalaxy.com or call their toll-free number, 800-811-4747, and they will be happy to do the "Dirty Job."

(or)

Books Inc., The West’s Oldest Independent Bookseller, Since 1851 www.booksinc.net <http://www.booksinc.net> or 415-931-3633

Poisoned Pen Central (note, it’s PoisonED) 215 E Grant St, Phoenix, AZ 85004 602 252 0663 or for mail order 888 560 9919 Email: sales@poisonedpen.com www.poisonedpen.com

Also you can contact Dreamhaven Books in Minneapolis (more contact info to come when I get it.) http://www.dreamhavenbooks.com/

Comments Here http://bbs.chrismoore.com/viewtopic.php?t=5700

So, by now you’ve all heard that the Danish newspaper that published cartoons depicting Mohammed cause a Muslim boycott of Danish food products, as well as death threats to the newspaper and the withdrawal of the Saudi and Libyan Ambassadors from Denmark.

Now, it’s politically correct to say that we are not in a clash of cultures, but for those who felt that an entire nation should somehow be penalized because their sense of humor does not line up with certain religious beliefs, going as far as shouting Death to Denmark!, well, I’m sorry, you people are fucked-up. And so is the culture that produced you.

Let me qualify. I’m not saying that Mohammed, or Islam is fucked up, but those of you who are talking about violence or any retaliation for that matter, because of some cartoons, you people are fucked up. You are fucked up by choice, but you are fucked up nonetheless. Of all the things to get your turbans in a bunch about, some cartoons in a Nordic newspaper are not it. If you are going to pay respect to tradition, how about keeping in mind that when the Danish were gnawing on reindeer bones and trying to get the hang of slaughtering Irish Monks, your people were inventing algebra, modern sanitation, and Damascus steel. In other words, you were about five-hundred years out of the dark ages when Europe was still looking for the light switch. So now you want to behave like you just can’t wait to get everyone tied to the stake and start your own inquisition rather than develop a sense of context, or a sense of humor?

I don’t want to go all Anne Coulter on you (because I enjoy sandwiches and sanity too much), but I wrote a book that has a lot of fun with the Christian prophet, and it’s sold hundreds of thousands of copies all over the world, and you know what? Everyone is cool with it. Christians write me every day to tell me how much they enjoyed it because they get the joke. Yet some obscure Danish paper publishes a drawing of Mohammed with a bomb on his head and you guys are ready to go Jihad on them – you threaten to plant bombs, IN THE NAME OF MOHAMMED. Talk about making their point for them. Are you trying to prove that you’re theologically inferior to your Christian counterparts? You feel as if you need to catch up on the atrocities because your prophet showed up five hundred years after theirs? Look, take a tour of our red states – take a good look at the toothless fucktards who claim to be striking out in the name of the Lord. (Intelligent design, my ass. Again, talk about making the point for the other side.) No, save your cab fare, look at George Bush – do you want to equate yourself with the kind of religiously motivated, narrow-minded ignorance that he represents? No?

Well then lighten the fuck up.

At least the majority of the Christians have managed to, and they had a long line of ignorant fuckwits to overcome as well, just like you do now. So to all of the reasonable Muslims who are shaking their heads right now at the idea of answering satire with violence, well good for you. And for those of you of any religion who are shaking your heads at the idea that God gives a good goddamn who you kill in his name, well good for you too. And for those of you who would debase your own faith by acting as if that the creator of the universe can be injured by someone’s taste in humor, well call me smug, but you need to channel your energy toward a little more humility.

And finally, to you cartoon jihadists, calling for death to Denmark and boycotting Danish products – well, that’s your choice, but you’re going to miss out on all that delicious Danish ham with your eggs. *

*Yes I know. And hello? Danish? Where do you think that comes from? Before you think, no big deal, I have a back-up plan “scone” also derives from the Danes. You are going to have to Jihad with no breakfast, because I know you motherfuckers aren’t going to have a bagel with a schmere. And I know you’re not going to have falafel for breakfast, because none of us can eat that tasty treat any more for fear that Bill O’Reilly will show up at our house with a stiffy wrapped in the flag and ask us to take a shower with him. <shudder>. I’m just sayin’. And before you say anything else, I’m Buddhist, so I believe that we are all fucked as one, so just back the fuck off.

Blog quality.

Yesterday I Googled around a little, looking at other author blogs. I wanted to get a feeling for how things are done. I mean, it was my publisher who suggested that I start a blog, and while it seems to make sort of sense when I’m on tour, it also seemed like a huge waste of people’s time, including mine.

So I found this list of author blogs . http://www.internetwritingjournal.com/authorblogs/

Now, the first thing I noticed, other than my blog wasn’t on the list of best author blogs, is that all these authors pepper their blogs with links, and they always have their hypertext in row, with a neat, one word highlight that rolls over to a link. I don’t know how to do that, so my links are always raggedy and have "htttp" and colons hanging out and stuff. I blame Ken, our talented web guy, because he has never made me learn how to do that sort of thing because whenever I need to do something hard he does it for me. It’s like I’ve always worn velcro sneakers, and suddenly, one day, I’m confronted with tying my own shoes. I can fasten the velcro bit at the top, but the laces just drag out behind me catching dirt and old chewing gum and stuff. I blame Ken for my velcro shoes.

(I give up. I just wrote a 500 word rant about the clunkiness of this interface, which I’ve erased because I couldnt’ make it do bold type.)

Instead, here:

Read Meg Cabot and Jennifer Weiner’s Blogs. They are both smart, funny, and don’t completely lose their mind over this stupid interface. The Dilbert Blog is usually entertaining, too. David Brin’s blog is great if you were starting to feel kind of smart and wanted to be knocked off your high horse.

If you check out the other blogs, and see entries like, "didn’t work out today, was feeling poopy" or "my agent called today about the film rights to Noobs in Neverland, looks like Warner is stepping up to the plate" then you’ll really understand why I don’t do blog entries every day. My own life is so mind-numbingly boring that writing about it for others to see makes me want to open my veins and let the self-importance flow out all over the floor.

That and this lame, cumbersome, stupid interface. It’s like using Wordstar in 1983. You might as well have hired hamsters carrying movable type letters across the room to a Gutenberg printing press.

Okay, so we saw the world and the outfits in Underworld, and although it seemed like it might have been just a tad tough to keep all that werewolf hunting/vampire fighting secret from the rest of the world, it kind of worked, mainly because it looked cool.

Well, Underworld 2: Evolution looks cool too, and basically there’s only just enough plot there to stitch together the action scenes, plus they added a couple of new creatures.

In short, if you liked watching Kate Beckensale run around in a tight rubber suit kicking ass, or Scott Speedman running around without a shirt being rescued by Kate in Underworld, then you will certainly like Underworld Evolution, because it’s that’s sort of the story again.

The weakest part of the movie is the opening, where Bill Nighy (Victor from the first movie, the step father in Shawn of the Dead) and a bunch of other Brits act out some 12th century village pillage. Bill has an accent right out of the EastEnders, and the rest of them sound like they’re part of the Royal Shakespeare company, which made even me, a tin-earred Yank go, "What the Fuck, Bill?" (Actually, we’ll find out later on that an actual member of the Royal Shakespeare Company, Derek Jacoby, is the father of all vampires and werewolves, but I only mention it so you don’t think I’m exaggerating.)

Once we get to present day and Kate running around blowing shit up, the movie picks up, and tends to move fast enough that you can’t really take the time to find all the gaping holes in the plot. And as soon as you get a moment to think, there’s Kate’s PVC-wrapped booty waving at you again, (or Scott Speedman’s tastefully oiled pecs, if you’re a lass) to keep you from going, "Hey, that didn’t make a bit of sense. Where the fuck is this taking place, anyway?"

But, lest you start to think that they’ve just put Kate and Scott out there to be sex objects, about half-way through the movie Kate gratuitously kills two Victoria Secret models/vampire body guards — thus showing us the difference between a sex object that’s there for looking at, and one that’s there to bash your brains out on the rocks. And I have always been pro choice, so I thought this was fine political statement for the film to make.

Okay, you still think that you need to know the plot? (Why? Why? Why?) Without reference to the first movie? Okay, here goes.

Werewolves and vampires have been at war for 800 years, since two brothers, sons of the same randomly immortal guy, got bitten by a wolf and a bat respectively, and now, one of the brothers is awake, the vampire, and he wants to free the werewolf brother who has been locked away for 600 years for being a bad dog. Oh, and all the conflict in the first movie, and for the last 800 years between the two races is due to the lying of one guy who is dead before the movie starts. And so, the father – oh my God, Kate and Scott are totally naked and doing the nasty in a shipping container!

And there are lots of guns.

As with any big-budget movie nowadays, the effects were great. The creatures were cool. And they did pay some attention to the laws of physics, so unlike Van Helsing, you don’t just throw your hands up go, "Well fuck, why don’t they all just fly!" And generally since there are almost no humans in the cast (I mean of characters, not of actors. I’m sure a lot of the actors were humans, except for the Canadians) it’s okay if they take a licking and keep on ticking. Also, Underworld 2 is very much in the “steam and wet asphalt” school of cinema, with 95% of the scenes happening at night or inside of caves or castles. Still you can see what’s going on and the action scenes don’t get so tight that you can’t follow them.

I give it it a solid 3 out of five ghouls on a five ghoul scale for vampire movies, and a four on the gratuitous violence and booty scale

Gentle, trusting readers.

I have to tell you, that James Frey’s admission yesterday that parts of his best-selling, Oprah-blessed biography, A Million Little Pieces, were made up, has cause me to do some soul searching of my own, and now I must confess, that although my books are marketed as fiction, and there are disclaimers all over the place to that effect, parts of them are totally true, factual, and not made up at all.

I haven’t called Oprah to break the news to her, but I have a call into her people, who assure me that my call will be answered in the order that it was received, and I really don’t mind listening to Maya Angelou reading the lyrics to The Girl From Ipanema while I’m on hold. (I love French Americans and I have been a fan of Miss Gelou’s work ever since she served as Surgeon General for the Clinton Administration.) Still, I can’t help but think that Oprah will be disappointed, and will, in fact, have to call Dr. Phil to console her. (“Phil, I was ignoring that motherfucker for other reasons altogether, now I find out that he hasn’t made all of that nonsense up. I’m distraught. Steadman make me a pie, bitch!”*)

I know that many of you will be shocked to see my name on the front page of America’s major newspapers, and will, indeed, be worried for my well-being when I have to sit at the same desk as Larry King, because we have all watched him slowly suck the life force out of Suzanne Sommers and Richard Simmons over the years, but worry not. I have brought this on myself. I knew going into this, that I was going to not make some stuff up. For instance, the laws of physics as portrayed in my books? All pretty much true.

Please, please, please, loyal readers, do keep in mind, that I did it for the kids. Do you want to be the one who has to answer those hopeful, upturned eyes when a youngster comes to you and asks, “It this all complete bullshit?” Of course not. You want to be able to say, “No, little Legolas, some of that bullshit is true.” Then you can move on to more important things, like why you named your kids after characters from the Lord of the Rings.

So there it is. Drag my name through the front pages of a thousand newspapers if you must. Buy all my books and burn them in protest – and if it makes you feel better, buy them and burn them again! It’s okay. Implicate me in love trysts with actresses of wide and varied sluttiness if you must. I will soldier on. (Those pictures were Photoshopped! My car would look small next to lips that size!) And as God is my witness, I will never tell the truth again!

*My attorneys have advised me to say in the interest of full disclosure, that Oprah probably doesn’t really talk like that, and, in fact, may not even like pie, as we have never seen it on her “favorite things” show. But that may just be because they couldn’t get a pie that big under everyone’s seat. Anyway, my attorneys have advised me to say that I’m just sayin’.

So I just returned from a New Years Eve party at a friend’s house who is a way famous rock muscian. And there were movie stars and rock stars there, as well as normal people. And although I was a little shy, as I tend to be in these situations, it was okay, and famous people tend to be people, which is something that I need to remember. Because sitting at the table with a very good friend of mine, was this middle-aged woman, who was sort of out of place, but familiar, and I so wanted to go up to her, and tell her how much I admired her courage, her conviction, and how sorry I was for her loss, but I just couldn’t do it. I was just too shy. Charlee did, and I’m proud of her for that.

So when Cindy Sheehan left the party, I felt an opportunity had passed, and while it wouldn’t have mattered one way or the other to her, I’m sure, it will now, always matter to me.

So, from here, safely behind my desk:

Thanks Cindy. You are a hero. I’m sorry for your loss, and I’m grateful for your courage. I hope you have a great New Year. You deserve more.

My editor had me write this for the Harper Collins web site. But what’s more important, what are your New Years Resolutions? No confessions. I want silly! I want funny! I want absurd! That’s your homework for the new year. Post ’em in the blog comments.

Happy Happy

My Resolutions

Seems like every year, when New Year’s rolls around, I either have a book due, or I’m about to go on book tour. This year, I have both. Which means that my resolutions all go toward trying to get my writing done each day, and get in good enough shape to deal with six weeks of travel and public appearances without succumbing to some virulent flying-monkey flu while on the road. (Writers who don’t have the blessing of a preschool child to bring home every pathogen known to man, tend to spend a year all by themselves making clicky-noises in a room, in which time they develop the immune system of a bubble boy, then for a month they go out in public, eat crap food, get inadequate sleep, and let people cough and sneeze on them while they sign books. In my experience, all book tours end in illness, one’s physical condition before leaving as well as the ability to lug a mini-keg of hand sanitizer around determines how far you get before it becomes the All Nyquil- Mucas-polooza tour. ) Therefore, here are my resolutions for 2006.

To keep my writing on schedule, I resolve:

I resolve not to pretend I need to defrag my hard drive every time I run into a difficult paragraph.

I resolve to give up on Gilligan and the crew getting off the island. It’s not going to be this episode or the next. Gilligan is dead now. He’s not going anywhere so I can turn off the TV and get to work.

I resolve to write down what is in the refrigerator, so I won’t have to go check every fifteen minutes during my writing day. I further resolve to actually believe that there wasn’t a mini-Snicker’s bar behind the celery that I just missed.

I resolve to stop checking on what’s up with those wacky kids over at Victoria’s Secret before I begin writing a scene.

I resolve that if I get stuck, the answer is not somewhere on Google, no matter how many times and how many different ways I ask. Google is not an oracle, it is a search tool.

I resolve to quit asking Google where I put my car keys.

I resolve to admit that not knowing a better term for douche bag does not mean that I have to go buy ice cream.

To take care of my heath:

I resolve to finally admit that coffee is not a food group.

Ditto sugar.

I resolve to stop driving to the mail box at the end of the driveway.

I resolve to stop viewing salad as an evil entity bent on controlling my mind.

I resolve to admit that when Men’s Health says that your workout should consist of twelve exercises, three sets of ten reps, they don’t mean that you can spread them out over the month.

I resolve to stop claiming that my readers can’t relate to my books unless I eat a lot of carbs.

I resolve to slow down as I drive by the gym on the way to get ice cream – out of respect.

I resolve to quit waxing nostalgic on the days when I used to smoke. Technically, coughing is not an ab exercise.

I resolve to stop trying to hire someone to do my workout for me.

THAT’S IT. NOW GET TO IT! HAPPY NEW YEAR!