Christopher Moore's Blog

Heeeeeeeeee’s back, with answers to most of your damn questions.

Lib writes:

Is there a reason that I don’t tan? If so, what???

Dear Lib: It is hard to say, since I only met you once, but from that experience, I think the main reason is that as a child you ate more than a healthy amount of paste. As swell as that may have seemed at the time, it overloaded your developing immune system with “pasty white” cells. The only known cure is to eat equal amounts of dirt along with the paste in order to counteract the pasty whites. It’s not known if this will work retroactively, but if you decide to try it, please send video so I can post it on the Blog. It’s for science, after all.

Unc axes: So why is Paris Hilton famous? Why does anyone anywhere care about this skank?

Dear Unc: I’m as disturbed as you are about that, but consider this, if the answer is “because she’s rich and had sex on the internet anyway” then you have to address this, much more frightening question: Why is Donald Trump famous and who cares about his nasty ass anyway?

odie 718 writes: My question is about Practical Demonkeeping. Just curious if there is any reason you picked Clarion, PA as the hometown of Travis?

Dear odie: I used to go camping in that area of Pennsylvania with a friend who had family in the area. It was a great little college town and I always had fun there, but it is sort of remote and I imagined that in the 1900s when Travis is growing up there, it was very much “the boonies” as far as farm towns go.

HRH Gracie asks:

I totally get that Fluke required a ton of research, but do you really spend 6 months of research time on most of your books? I mean no disrespect, but could you give me an example of something you researched for say Stupidest Angel? Ok, well, now I am remembering the DEA stuff, I guess that would require some work, how do you go about that? Oh yeah, the sword stuff and the bong stuff. ok. never mind. I guess that is a big part of your talent. You make it seem so effortless.

Dear HRH:

When someone asks about research, or how long it takes to write a book, it’s a general question, and every book is specific. When I say it takes me six months to research a book, that doesn’t’ mean I go into the library, shut the door, and come out six months later. It means that I’m reading books, thinking stuff up, seeing what works and what doesn’t in a story. Books like Lamb and Fluke required a lot of reading, and the latter a lot of on-site research.

Stupidest Angel, on the other hand, I wrote specifically because I wouldn’t have a do any research on it. I wrote the book in about five months. Start to finish. That’s fast for me. I did end up looking up some stuff on antique Japanese swords, but that’s about it.

Each one is different and requires different commitments. I couldn’t’ go to Crow reservation in the winter for Coyote Blue, so I was over a year in the research phase. I took showers and went to movies and stuff during that time too, I wasn’t researching every second.

For Fluke, the researchers are only in Hawaii from December to March, it didn’t really matter if I started reading in August, I wasn’t going to get into the field with them until January. The Marine Mammal Science convention happens once every two years, in the fall. I wanted to attend that to get cutting edge science. Obviously, I had to wait until they held that.

In short, it’s not a term paper. Very often you don’t know what you’re going to need, so you read a lot more material than is necessary. Usually that’s the case. Other times you don’t find out until the book is finished that you missed some things. And just getting it down on paper isn’t enough. My stuff has to be funny, so often when I’m dealing with things like 1st century Judaism, or evolutionary biology, the funny stuff doesn’t come immediately to mind — it takes time for it to bounce around in my head until it hits something funny.

Stupidest Angel, as well as Practical Demonkeeping and The Lust Lizard of Melancholy Cove were all set in a town that very-much resembled the town in Northern California where I lived for 20 years. I chose this setting on purpose, because it specifically didn’t require me to travel for research. For Practical Demonkeeping it was because I simple couldn’t afford to go anywhere, for the latter two, it was because I was under deadline and didn’t have the time to go somewhere to research. If I had set Stupidest Angel in Chicago, or Boston, for instance, I’d have had to spend a lot of time in those towns to get the characters and the setting right. That, I guess, is the part that you don’t see. When I set Bloodsucking Fiends in San Francisco, I spent a month up there, just walking the streets, riding the busses, watching people, eavesdropping on people. A trip like that requires a fair amount of planning, and again, you want to do it when the weather will allow you to be out and about. Virtually every character in Stupidest Angel, or any of the Pine Cove books, is a representative of an archetype, or an actual person I met or knew of. I had a friend who flew helicopters freelance for the DEA, I knew sheriffs, artists, blues players, bartenders – I even know a retired scream queen, although she’s not the complete bedbug that Molly is. I’m not sure if I get to count that as research, but I certainly picked the setting because it seemed that the research was already done.

Lamb took me nearly three years to research and write, and I was stuck for months right after the section where Biff and Josh leave Galilee for the East because I had no idea what was going to happen, and I didn’t know a goddamn thing about Taoist alchemy, which I had to learn to do Balthazar’s character.

So the answer to your question, in short, is: on average, it takes me a year to write a book and six months to research it.

A number of questions about “the craft” this time, plus – THE MOVIE QUESTION! Sweet. I’m thinking about putting the movie question up as post that you’re required to read before you sign on to the board. Here goes…

Ferrit Leggings writes:

What was the funniest book you ever read?

This was a very tough question to answer. I’ve thought about it a lot, and I’m not sure that I won’t change my mind after more thought. I tried to remember actually laughing as I was reading, and it was probably M.A.S.H., the novel. Now granted, I was like 14 when I read that book, so it might not stand up today, but I remember being completely helpless with laughter while reading that book.

And I know how this is going to sound, but obviously the author’s sense of humor resonates very much with my own, but Lamb may be the funniest book I’ve read in the last ten years or so. (Okay, I’m cringing. I shouldn’t have written that, but it’s true.)

Right now I’m reading, Things My Girlfriend and I Have Argued About, which one of you guys turned me on to, and I’ve been laughing out loud more than anything I’ve read since the Last Days of Summer, by Steve Kluger. There’s no plot to speak of, but Mil Millington is truly gifted. Here’s the web site, for a free sample. I think the book is even funnier.

http://www.thingsmygirlfriendandihavearguedabout.com/

Jenny O writes:

Will your publisher ever put out audio book versions of your earlier books? (I already have THE STUPIDEST ANGEL on audio.) If so, do you have anyone in particular that you’d like to read them?

We’ve been talking a long time about doing Lamb as a multicast, Jenny, and I’d love to see that. A sort of audio mini-series. It’s really tough, however, to get an audio book done after the book has been out for a while. As for who I’d like to read them, that’s a tough one. I’d be more interested in hearing who you guys think would be good. I know they wanted to get Daniel Stern (voice of the Wonder Years) to do Fluke, but he was busy. I’d like a woman to read Fiends.

Catch 42 writes:

You’ve said before that there have been past attempts to bring some of your novels to the screen, but have all fell through for one reason or another. Is there any chance of a movie or T.V. deal soon? I’d love to see Pine Cove for myself!

Dear Catch: There will almost certainly be a “movie deal” soon. There have been around a dozen “movie deals” on my books. We’ve had two movie “deals” this year. People option or buy my books all the time. They write scripts and even do proposals for TV. I don’t tell you guys about it because IT MEANS NOTHING. Until it’s schedule to open in 2000 theaters nationwide, it’s not a movie. None of the books has gotten past the script stage, and I have very, very little to do with any of them. Tonight I’m going to see Hitchiker’s Guide to the Galaxy. Twenty-four years after the book was published – and probably 25-26 years since the “movie deal”. If something happens – if something gets green-lighted, or they start casting, or shooting, I’ll certainly tell you guys as soon as I find out, but movie deals mean nothing except for an exchange of currency.

Y asks:

What food category would Jell-O be classified in? (I have an addiction and I’m concerned I may be causing internal damage…sort of…)

Y: Jell-O is in the wiggly category. Green jell is a vegetable, red jell is a fruit, and, of course, all jell-Os are meat group.

Whaaaaa?

Yep, the gelatin that makes jello JELL-O, is made from boiled down cow bits. Meat.

Maxwell axes: Do you use roughly the same writing process for each of your books, or do different things come about differently? I use basically the same process. About six months of research, nine or so months of paced writing, then three months of absolute panic and stress. I write the manuscripts from the beginning to the end, and I seldom revise anything until the book is finished, although I usually stop at about 100 pages and do some corrections, then send the pages to my editor and my agent so they can see that the book is on track.

Stazy asks:

Author Guy, Why do you think that zombies always seem to want to eat brains and/or other living human bits (or breakdance)?

Because they can’t get Jell-O. Brains are the closest thing.

Big Freezer writes:

Dear Author Guy,

Your vivid description of the floor buffer in BSF leads me to believe that you have intimate knowledge of the device. Were you a buffer in a previous life or do you simply go to those lengths of research for the reader’s sake?

Dear Big:

I was a night crew guy at a grocery store, and part of doing that job was to be familiar with the maintenance equipment. I basically held the night crew leader position that Tommy has in Bloodsucking Fiends for two years. (When I was 19.) The characters of the Animals are each based on guys I worked with, and their non-vampire hunting exploits are things that my crew did. (Like the skiing behind the floor machine.)

Ted J asks:

I notice you have a supernatural theme that ties all of your books (ex., Vincent in Love Nun, the demon in Practical Demonkeeping, the whole Jesus thing in Lamb). Is this based on a particular fascination with the supernatural or is it just a lazy plot device – a deus ex machina so to speak?

Well, obviously, sometimes it’s a deus ex machina, as in The Stupidest Angel – and I think one of the books has a chapter with the title: Deus Ex Machina, but I admire your courage for asking the question in that way, considering the flaming the last guy got for implying that I lifted ideas from other stories. (I read question as, “Are you just being lazy?” Yes Ted, I formulate easy paths like setting a book in Gooville, where every fucking element has to be described in detail, instead of say, Santa Barbara, because I’m lazy.) But, a supernatural element in itself is not a Deus Ex Machina (God from a machine, for those of you playing the home game – in Greek theater they used to literally lower an actor playing God with a crane, and he would reconcile the plot using his powers.) A supernatural element is a supernatural element. I started this game as a horror story writer, and I consider that I’m still working in the genre, or at least the edge of it. I actually started a book (Love Nun) where I thought, “I won’t have a supernatural element in this book”, but after a few pages I thought, “this is boring, I want some crazy shit to happen. The supernatural stuff reflects, more than anything, my nine-second attention span. I like the shiny. That, and as the Sci-Fi convention T-shirt says, “Reality is for people who can’t handle Fantasy.” I like the idea, though, that they put a supernatural element in the Gospels because they were lazy.

“I don’t know, Matthew, this story of nailing the Jew to the tree, it doesn’t have any, you know, zing.”

“Oh, I’ve got, I’ve got it! We make him the son of God. Huh? Huh? Whaddaya think?”

“Well, that would be the easy way to go. Yeah, run with it!”

2) Should I be ashamed that I like the late 70s/early 80s arena/corporate rock bands like Boston, Journey, Styx, REO Speedwagon and the like?

Yes. But it’s okay if you’re ironic about it.

Yet another installment in The Author Guy Answers your Questions.

Catch 42 asks:

Hey there Author Guy, I’ve really been enjoying your Q & A’s. My question is: Where ya been? There hasn’t been a post since April 8th! We miss you…you don’t think we can get on with our pathetic lil’ lives without your expert guidence, do you?

I apologize. But the questions have been pretty scarce. I haven’t been ignoring you guys, I’ve just been waiting. I’m also having a hard time coming up with funny answers for your questions after I’ve been working on the book all day. So instead, I’ll just give you answers. Don’t blame me if they’re lame.

Deederpie writes: hey author guy, big al says dogs can’t look up. what do you think?

Dear Deederpie: I Gotta go with the food thing. Hold food over a dog’s head, he looks up. To be a little less dismissive, dogs, for the most part, are hunters, which means they have binocular vision (for depth perception) and tend to have the ability to track prey. Now, go have big Al look at some film of duck hunters with retrievers.

Kim Writes:

Dear Author Guy (again… ) I finally got my boyfriend to read one of your books, The Stupidest Angel, and he really likes it. Unfortunately, it started one of those ridiculous, grouchy, two-o’clock-in-the-morning fights. See, I’m a total sucker for the Tucker Cases and Biffs of the world, but my boyfriend (psych major) absolutely insists that Tucker is a sociopath. Since we’re both stubborn, I figured I should call in the most awesomely available author ever, before leaving my man over a fictional character. (Actually, there are probably a lot of steps I should take before that, unless i’m a -path of some kind.) So, help me win an argument? :)Kim(:

Kim: A sociopath tends to be narcissistic with no conscience. Tucker Case, even before he has an epiphany, has a conscience, and remorse, in fact a lot of remorse, so he’s not a sociopath. If you were going to go all “Diagnostic and Statistical Manual” on his ass, or roll up DSM4, as we say on the street, I think at worst, Tucker Case has what’s called a borderline personality disorder, which isn’t what it sounds like, but is sort of “sociopath lite”. There’s a lot of narcissism and selfishness involved, but also an endearing amount of self-destruction. (I’m not looking this up, but winging it from memory, but if you can’t win an argument with your boyfriend this way, I suggest, trying, “Dude, you are so never going to get laid again unless you say I’m right.” You’ll want to limit using this option to win arguments to two or three times a week, otherwise you could totally destroy his self-esteem, at which point you would have to dump the loser and go find someone who doesn’t like to argue as much. )

Dr. Sue writes:

Why do (almost) all religions decree that they are the one true church and all non believers are going to hell (or it’s particular equivalent)? I mean I know money comes into it somehow, but is there a more esoteric reason?

Sue: For the same reason that most tribes’ names for themselves, in virtually any culture, translates to “the human beings” or “the people”. Because it’s a lot easier to kill people and take their resources if they aren’t people. To dehumanize the enemy is the easiest way to motivate your soldiers to lose the natural resistance to committing murder. (A natural resistance, because we evolved as a cooperative species, using the troop, group or herd, whatever term you prefer, as part of our strategy for survival. Those who are predisposed to murder, will eventually lose the advantage of the cooperation of the troop.) By the same reasoning, as the numbers of troops grow and compete for resources, if your troop is chosen by God ( or fill in the name of your deity here), then those who don’t believe are condemned anyway. You can kill them with impunity, and still not go against the principal of the survival of the troop (ie. Don’t murder, your own. Killing a non-human is not murder. See Crusades or any old fatwa).

Hell – the eternal fire and punishment thing- is a pretty new concept, and basically a tool of coercion of the faithful, (that is, to control the behavior of the “converted”.) The underworld existed in many cultures, but not as a place of torment. You need hell as a whipping stick. For example, the Roman Empire gets its ass handed to it in the fifth century, leaving much of the conquered territories to be self-governed, now the only centralized power left has shifted from the Emperor and his Legions, to the Church. Army’s can’t impose control by force, so the church proceeds to regain its territories by conversion, and when met with resistance, the annexation of the indigenous beliefs. Thus, the hammer of Thor comes to represent a crucifix, the winter solstice comes to mark Christ’s birth, and the spring equinox, his resurrection. Gradually the old beliefs are absorbed by the church, and short of an army, the church uses it’s exclusive access to God to control the population. You don’t think they did the mass in Latin because that’s what a Jewish kid from Galilee spoke, did you? Or that the only person who knew how to read or write, was the priest because the written word was too hard for the average peasant to learn, right? So you have the peasants, and you stay all spooky and mystical and they will follow your cause for the promise of paradise. For the privileged, however, the promise of paradise, a better life, is not enough, and with the wealth goes the power, so you need the threat of hell. You need to be able to take something away from them, because they already have it as good as it gets in those days. You mark out an entire continent into the equivalent of a religious theme park, and you charge for “get out of purgatory free cards” at all the shrines. Plus you keep all the knowledge for yourself, so any rich merchant or nobleman has but one place to go if he wants his sons to have an education: the Church. The Church controls knowledge, and knowledge is… well, there you go.

Karl Marx called religion the opiate of the masses. And yes, when you are living in plague and famine and what we would perceive as hellish conditions, the promise of a better “afterlife” may be your only solace, it may be just the drug you are willing to mainline. Otherwise, why get up in the morning, and why build that fuck-all gargantuan cathedral that won’t even be finished in your great, great, grandchildren’s lifetime? That seems obvious, but move it closer to home, let’s say, the last election, and let’s see exactly how religion works as a means of social control. Take the wealthiest, most powerful group in the country, whose policies are across the board in the interest of benefiting the wealthiest and most powerful group in the country, then make the peasants vote against their own economic interests to keep the wealthy group in power. How? Well, dehumanize the enemy. Claim God as your own, and yourself as the chosen. Promise eternal life for those who support you and damnation for those who oppose. Why will you go to battle for me? Because I am the chosen. I carry the mighty sword of God. To oppose me, is to oppose God. And in the mean time, if you are impoverished in your old age, your health care is non-existent, and your children may not love whom they choose, well, there’s the afterlife to make it all better. You have prevented murder by – uh — murdering the unfaithful, and doing God’s own work. And the rich shall inherit the Earth, for there is no estate tax leveled upon them, and no wealth shall be redistributed to those who are unfaithful or unlucky, for that would be Godless Communism.

Forget the Roman Empire, the Catholic Church, the Wahabi — the fucking Pharos did this four thousand years ago– saying that no one but the blood relatives of the Pharos will have an afterlife. Well, say that until your peasant soldiers say, “Well fug it, then, I think you motherfuckers need to fight your own wars.” Oh, then Pharaoh says, “Wait, I forgot this last part: Any soldier who dies in battle for me, he too gets an afterlife.”

Or maybe you live in the frozen North? Ah, if you die valiantly, in battle, you get to party like a rock star in Valhalla until the Midgard serpent finally swallows his own tail. Or maybe you need to get a bunch of young fundamentalists to fly airplanes into large structures in the name of God. It helps to promise them a whole pile of girls who will never know that they are a lousy lay.

So the answer to: “Why do all religions declare themselves the one true church?” is:

Because that’s how you take and maintain power. Missionaries are just recruiting officers for the holy army that backs up your power. Those, by the way, are not my military metaphors. The Church came up with them. Jihad is a religious term. Crusade is a religious term. Organized religions are military bureaucracies.

Sorry if that was a blatantly simplistic answer, or a great big “Duh”. I kind of find the whole subject a little obvious, like, “Hey, you dumb sons-a-bitches, can’t you see that George’s lips are moving and that Jesus doll isn’t really talking to you.” I apologize that I’m not particularly articulate about it. Also, it’s fairly easy to rant if one stays on the Western side of religion, but some Eastern religions don’t fit this paradigm at all. For instance, there has never been a Buddhist holy war. Yet the social control built into Hinduism is frighteningly obvious (be a good merchant, barber, craftsman – keep to your place, and be reincarnated as a higher caste, but ultimately, be satisfied with your place in life). Animism among hunters and gatherers in environments where there is no troop competition for resources, like the religion of the pygmies of the Congo or the bushman of the Kalihari, tends to non-exclusive and not used as a means for social control. In tribal societies, economics often dictates religion ie. You need trade, therefore it’s incest to marry anyone in your clan or village, not just your blood relative, therefore you are forced to forge ties with other villages and clans, which promotes trade. Somehow that becomes religion, but the difference between custom and religion is often indiscernible. The difference between a civil wedding service and a church wedding service is, besides the cost, well, the church. Custom and religion? Laws of man and laws of God. Man makes the laws of God to suit his own agenda. Who has the one true God? The guy most willing and able to murder in his name. Amen.

Lib AXES:

Dear AG, If friends described you as an a animal, what kind would it be and why? Lib

Dear Lib: A sloth with a huge unit. Because sometimes I move kind of slowly.

That’s right, another installment of ASK THE AUTHOR GUY.

Gretchen asks 2: If you were going to be at a dinner party with other (living)

authors, who would you hope the other guests would be?

C: Hmmm. Living? Tom Robbins, Kurt Vonnegut, Nick

Hornby, Terry Pratchett, Dave Barry, Stephen Frye, Hugh

Laurie, Billy Collins, Calvin Trillan, and Bill Bryson. And only

under the condition that I don’t have to say anything.

If, during the dinner, something was served that you

absolutely refused to even contemplate eating, even if it

would be the height of rudeness, what would that item be?

C:Republican rhetoric.

Kim asks: Would you remember some fans from a Monterey promo for

“Fluke,” about three years ago? Two sixteen-year-old girls,

my friend with waist-length green hair?

C: Yes. I always remember the green haired people. Three years ago? That

would men that you’re 19 now, right? Tell me, Kim, do you like Gladiator

movies? 🙄

Can I be as funny a writer as you are when I grow up? Or

could you just keep writing until I’m old and senile?

C:Yes. I hope. For both our sakes.

Y asks:

Are there any questions you are completely tired of

answering?

C: Yes. “Where do you get your ideas?”

I8Tokyo asks three questions:

What happens to the socks that always disappear in the

dryer?

C: They end up on the single shoes on the side of the road.

No one knows how.

Will the Monkees ever get back together? How about KC

and the Sunshine Band?

C: KC and the Sunshine Band are touring as we speak.

Really. The Monkees, however, will not get back together.

Is Jim Morrison really dead.

C: Yes.

Ted J asks:

Is there anything with any redeeming value on tv these

days?

C: No. But that doesn’t mean that there aren’t things that are

entertaining.

Lenore asks:

I’ve now read five of your books, loving them for different

reasons. I do have my favorite but I was wondering …do

you?

I know artists talk about their favorite is the one they are

working on now. Or that each work is like a child, blah blah

blah no favorite, each one is special yada yada yada.

C: I think Lamb is my best book, because it was the most

ambitious and I was able to pull it off, so I suppose that’s my

favorite. Bloodsucking Fiends was the most fun to write, but

that’s a totally different set of standards.

Regina asks: Hey AG- What, if anything, do you miss about working in

commercial radio? Conversely, what are you happy to have

left behind?

C: I liked the spontaneity of making up material on the fly. I

liked the energy in the studio and I liked being exposed to all

the new music. I didn’t like the crazy people and the lame

attempts at producing lame programing. I was very fortunate

to be able to run my own show, without programming

perameters, so I was a little spoiled. The price for that was

making a little more than minimum wage for air time.

Jodi axes:

Do you think Quebec should separate from the rest of

Canada? If it does, do you think the rest of Canada would

stay together or splinter off into mini-Canadas?

C: I absolutely think that Quebec should separate from the

rest of Canada. I’m not as sure about all the mini-Canadas.

Once you dump the French speakers, I think the rest of you

guys should stick together, eh?

Klari writes:

I believe the Author Guy in his wisdom made a comment

about “some douch-waffle who doesn’t get the message

from God that the reason she can’t conceive is because she

is supposed to keep her tainted genes from peeing in the

pool in the first place”

How would this apply to a Christopher Moore fan? Suppose

one of your followers had fertility issues, would it not be

prudent for the AG to support the procreation of his followers

in the hopes that we will produce little CM fans to go forth

and spread the word?

C: I think it goes without saying, that if someone likes my

work, they are probably okay to breed.

Lib Axes: Do you still play with the neighbor’s paint-spotted chicken or

has Charlie finally took the paint ball gun away?

C: I still have the paint ball gun, and I occasionally still let

loose on the local poultry, but even chickens learn after a

while, so they’ve learned to take alteranative routes around

the property.

.

Pool Party asks:

Why is it that the guys who are high on your cute list don’t

even know you are alive, while the creeps (the 80 year old

postman and the former funeral home director ) have turned into horndogs.

C: Maybe it’s something about you that these guys feel they

may have in common with you. You aren’t dead, are you?

Because that would indicate a common interest among both

of the types you mentioned.

Sgt-Steve asks: How come women come out of the woodworrk when you get

married? Women who previously wouldn’t give me the time

of day (well, on a date) all said “Damn, another good one

taken” when I got engaged. For some reason they don’t

consider you relationship material until you prove it by

marrying somebody else.

C: I have no idea why this happens, but it is so predictable

as to be scary. And it’s not just getting married, this has

gone on back as far as fifth grade. The corollary to this little

formula when it comes to the single guy, is that as soon as

he makes a move for any of the newly interested, they too,

will evaporate. I will defer to the women on the board, who

hopefully will explain.

Jeff writes:

My friend keeps telling me that I should publish my song

lyrics as a poetry book. Is there a market I can tap into?

C:No

What should my first step be after producing a manuscript?

C: Staple it together and find a place to store it.

How can I avoid publishers using it as novelty toilet tissue?

C: Make sure they don’t have access to your secret storage

place.

Is there a light at the end of the tunnel?

C: Yes. Unfortunately, it is an oncoming train.

Carry on.

Actually, this post is about stealing. I just burned the whole morning trying to justify my existence, and I thought I’d share. Anyway, this post was on another part of the board yesterday:

“I love Christopher Moore’s work—I’ve been on a laughing roll reading Lamb and a couple of others lately—I’m a very early fan beginning with Practical Demonkeping days—but I’ve had strange hauntingsa while reading Fluke—-feelings of been there/saw that—Like wasn’t there this TV show on Sci-fi Chanel that had whalelike ships that were living controlled by “pilots” (like whaley–boys)? Hey, wasn’t there? Really, a living organism ship with an integrated “pilot” and alien crew? Especially I liked the pilot who was totallly integrated with the the whalelike organism. Pilot was cool. Did I miss something here? Was this show given any credit? Isn’t Farscape a major influence on this novelties of this novel (beyond the Gooville meme/gene theme)?”

Me again. I wrote a sarcastic reply, but then I lost some sleep thinking about it, and I think a more serious reply is in order. Not because the post merits it, but because I need to make it.

Now that the initial rush of being pissed-off has passed, I will admit that there a parallel between the living ship Moya and live interface the Whaley boys use, but I assure you guys, I didn’t get that idea from Farscape. I liked the show, but it never occurred to me that Pilot and the pilots were similar. In fact, strange as it may seem, the Whaley boys on the ship are actually modeled on, wait for it, yes, pilot whales.

That said, I need to get this out of the way.

I am writing a book about the personification of Death. I formulated the plot nearly ten years ago, and submitted the proposal three years ago. Since then, Dead Like Me has come out on Show Time, and much to my dismay, many of the ideas I was going to use, were being used in that show. I’ve been scrambling all along to make my book different, and it is, but anyone looking for a parallel will definitely see one, because it’s a big, universal theme. It’s been around for as long as I can remember, this Death on Earth thing, from Death takes a Holiday, to Joe Black, to On a Pale Horse, to that early Twilight Zone with Robert Redford as Death, to Gaiman’s cute, perky girl Death, we’ve been putting a death suit on people in fiction for a long time. As with vampires and demons and sea monsters, it’s part of the supernatural pallet, and as with my work with those other elements, I’m hoping to bring something fresh and funny to the motif.

Since Bloodsucking Fiends came out in the mid 90s, there has sprung up an entirely new sub-genre of vampire fiction: Chick-Vampire-Lit, with titles like UnDead and Unwed, and Every Which Way but Dead, which explore blood and the single girl a little more thoroughly than my book. I don’t for a second think that these writers were inspired by Fiends, but I do think that there was a logical place to go with the vampire story, a logical point of view to be exploited, and several authors have gone there, completely independent of my single-girl vampire story. That’s how this works. If you start thinking about a certain set of elements in a story, you are bound to come to similar conclusions. (Start listing all the Faust motif stories you’ve read over the years and you’ll get my drift. Oh, Practical Demonkeeping is one of those as well.)

In the seventies there were two books that came out independent of each other that were so similar in plot that when they made the movie, they had to use both of them to avoid legal trouble. The books were called The Tower and The Inferno, the movie was The Towering Inferno. Coincidence happens. People were thinking disaster back then. Fire in a high-rise was the logical next step.

I got a letter the other day from someone who had just read Coyote Blue and said it reminded him of American Gods, by Neil Gaiman. He wondered if I had been inspired by American Gods. Well, actually, I’m sure that I was inspired by a similar idea, that the old God’s are irrelevant to our time, and that if Gods are going to be relevant, they need to move and work in our world, a world of electronics and automobiles and instant communication, not of swords and monsters and nothing but agriculture or hunting parables, to which none of us relate anymore. It’s also irrelevant that Coyote came out some eight years before American Gods, but I know that Neil hadn’t read it. We were simply two authors working with the same theme, and coming up with completely different ways of expressing it. It’s obvious to anyone who reads the two books that a similar theme is at work, but that doesn’t mean that one begat the other. A couple of years ago I ordered all the Sandman books and read straight through them. Much to my surprise, one of the stories was about Joshua Norton, a homeless man who declared himself Emperor of San Francisco back in the 1860s. The story had been written and published about the same time as Bloodsucking Fiends, but quite honestly, because I’m not a comic book guy, Good Omens was the only work I’d ever seen from Neil Gaiman, and that because someone sent me a copy a few years after Practical Demonkeeping came out, citing a similarity, which there is none. Yet there they were, two stories based on the same historical character, mine, the Emperor, in Fiends, and Neil’s, more true to the history of Joshua Norton. How could that happen?

Because it’s fucking cool! Because as a writer you read a lot, you consume huge amounts of material, and when a good story manifests itself, you jump on it. Emperor Norton is a great story, and not an obscure one. There is still a city-wide chain of Emperor Norton bakeries in San Francisco, and nearly any historical account or display of the city will include photos of him. It fires the imagination of a storyteller.

In the same spirit, anyone who observes a whale, especially a blue whale, will come to the conclusion that they look “designed”. That they, in fact, look like large ships — streamlined and efficent. I first discussed the plot for Fluke with my agent back in 1997. He actually was talking about suggesting the idea that whale song have some kind of message in it to another writer, a friend of ours who was having a hard time coming up with an idea for his next book. As we chatted, in jest, I suggested that maybe there was someone inside the whale sending messages. That’s how it began. When the time came to write a second book of the Lamb contract, I wanted to do something that would get me out in the field researching, so I proposed the whale book. The Whaley boys came out of photo my friend, Flip Nicklin, took of a pilot whale, that looks very much like the Alien from the movies has just told you a joke and is enjoying the punch line before he bites your head off. I wanted to bring these outrageous hybrids between humans and pilot whales to the page. The interesting thing to me, is that most of the negative reviews the book has gotten on Amazon is because it’s too wild, too far out, just too unbelievable. In the review of Lust Lizard, Publisher’s Weekly said that I just might be a decent writer if I could reign in my imagination. That’s right, kids, too much imagination. I’m not out of ideas, is what I’m saying.

All that is a very long-winded way of saying that neither I, nor any other author I know would knowingly lift an idea from another writer. Inspiration? Sure, I’ve gone on ad infinitum about the writers who have inspired me. Coincidence, synchronicity? Absolutely. But when you make your living by making up stories, the joy, and I’m not kidding here, is IN MAKING UP THE STORY. That’s the new part, the discovery. The writing of it is, well, work. You’re not going to lift a story to make deadline, and on the contrary, I absolutely agonize that something will come out that’s close enough to torpedo a project because of the similarity. (I was mortified when, while writing Fluke, I saw the trailer for the Disney animated film Atlantis, where they have ships, yes, that’s right, shaped like whales. Fuck! How did they steal that from me when the book isn’t even finished yet? )

One last anecdote:

Back in ’95 or so, I did a lecture tour on a cruise ship, where I basically talked about writing for five weeks while they fed me and sailed me around the Pacific. When I got home, I sent a short proposal for a horror story (novel) set on a cruise ship to my agent, just to see what he thought. His assistant read it and sent me a note saying, “It seems derivative of David Foster Wallace’s article in Vanity Fair called A Very Fun Thing That I’ll Never Do Again,” which was a humorous account of Wallace’s experiences while on a similar tour. It had appeared while I was at sea, and I had not read it, nor have I read it since. Yet what did she say: “It seems DERIVATIVE”. Let it pass that I was writing a supernatural comic novel set on a cruise ship and Wallace had written a humorous true account of his own experiences. Forget that I would have characters and a plot and that I had never even seen the article, nor do I read Vanity Fair because it makes me feel unclean. DERIVATIVE!

Well, that woman, for no reason that has to do with me, is no longer with my agent, but some ten years have passed, and I’m still pissed off. To appear smart, to show that she was literate, to show that she could recognize the same setting, she basically accused me of stealing. This is an awfully serious accusation to make, and I would caution people not to go about it lightly.

An author may find inspiration in many places, including the stories of other writers, but it’s simply not part of the make-up of a writer to knowingly steal material. It’s too hard and takes too long to get to be a professional level as a writer to not have confidence in your own material. You know from the time you’re doing your first report in fifth grade that the one thing you aren’t allowed to do is plagiarize. If that was your inclination, you’d give up long before you went pro. You’d have to. I know there have been some pretty high-level cases of plagiarism in the last couple of years (Stephen Ambrose, Doris Kearns Goodwin) but these were non-fiction writers, who probably just blurred material from their notes into the book. (I think the material in question in both cases was the matter of a sentence or two.) Novelists don’t really gain anything by swiping material. For one thing, we’re not working underneath the radar. Our stuff will be out there for consideration. People will notice.

It’s just fine to explore the similarity of themes in different people’s work – see how they handled it – compare and contrast, but think twice before accusing someone of stealing. It may just be a way to display your cleverness, but to the writer it’s important, and he may spend the whole morning writing out a blog post about it instead of working on a book that’s due in a few months.

(And, oh yeah, don’t ever, ever, ask an author to look at your manuscript, or even discuss an idea you’re working on. Why? Well, you know why now, don’t you? Because if he sees your idea, he can be accused of stealing your it. )

More inane answers to your insightful questions.

stackyroo42 asks:

Why do 90 percent of the movies made from Video Games,

TV Shows and Books suck?

Well, this is all evidence of Sturgeon’s law, which states that

90% of everything is crap. And if you think about it, that

especially applies to TV and video games. Not really a huge

surprise that even a good video game can be made into a

bad movie. But who was surprised that Starsky and Hutch

was a shitty movie? The Beverly Hillbillys? It goes the other

way around, too. Clueless, good movie (IMHO), crappy TV

show.

Don’t even get started with the good books that have been

made into miserable films. Usually it’s because you simply

can’t effectively tell a 100-200,000 word (or more) story in

fewer than 50,000 words, which is script length. Choices —

cuts — have to be made, and often even a screenwriter with

the best intentions will gut a good book. Sometimes it’s just

best to look at the film and the book as separate entities,

that way you won’t be disappointed. For instance,

Bladerunner is a pretty cool movie. Doesnt’ have much to do

with the book from which it was made, but it’s a pretty cool

movie. In the case of legal thrillers, I think some of the

movies are actually better than the books — the

performances by the actors give more dimension to the

characters than the authors do. Elmore Leonard’s books

were brutally abused in Hollywood for years. You’d read his

books and you’d think they were natural to be made into

movies, then they’d be crap on film. It took Tarantino, I think,

to wake people up as to how you film a Leonard book. Still,

some will hit, some will miss.

If a book sells a million copies it’s a runaway bestseller. If a

movie sells only a million tickets, it’s a miserable failure. That

alone, that need to appeal to a larger audience, often causes

producers to water down those elements that were the vary

appeal of the book. In order to appeal to a wider

demographic, or a different demographic, they fuck up the

material.

As for my own stuff, as much as I’d love to have the career

boost that a major motion picture can provide, I’d much

rather see a book like Lamb made into a ten hour

mini-series. It just has too much going on for a two hour

movie, and once they are done cutting it, it’s going to be like

any goofy interpretation of the gospels. It doesn’t fit in the

three act structure. Bloodsucking Fiends, on the other hand,

was written to a three act structure, and would make a great

movie, I think. Unfortunately, I sold it outright to a producer

who can’t get it made, and has the rights in perpetuity.

Also from Stackroo42

Have you read the DaVinci Code? If so, What did you think?

I think that it would be nice to get Dan Brown’s royalties.

Other than that, I thought it was an okay thriller.

Why does my cat think the best place to sleep is my

keyboard when I’m using it?

Because you keep pointing to it. The irony? Point to anything

else and your cat will look at your finger. Maybe if you made

little clicky noises by tapping his kitty bed for an hour then he

would sleep there.

Regina asks:

What’s your favorite comfort food?

Mac and Cheese, in giant quantities. Malted milk, also in

giant quantities, and mashed potatoes, in giant quantities. I

think quantities may have something to do with my level of

comfort. If I feel a need for comfort food, I like to eat myself

into a stupor. Appropriately, I’ve been on a high-protein, low

carb diet for about four months now.

Sgt_Steve askes:

And what’s your favorite comfort read – the book or series

you re-read when a cold had you running at half-capacity?

When I reread anything it’s usually poetry (Billy Collins,

lately) or Steinbeck. And with Steinbeck it’s almost always

Cannery Row, Sweet Thursday, Tortilla Flat, or The

Pastures of Heaven.

Ferrit Leggings Asks:

What is your Fav Vonnegut book?

Probably Bluebeard, which I know is a weird choice, but I

really liked the commentary on the artist. I also liked

Slapstick a lot.

Jodiferous asks:

I work with a chronic whistler. Non stop whistling, all day

long. He does whistle actual tunes…nonetheless, I am

overwhelmed with the desire to punch him the face. Even

though he is my friend.

Does that make me a bad person?

No, Jod, that does not make you a bad person. Relax. You

were a bad person before.

Goudron:

Bo and Luke Duke in The Dukes of Hazard welded the doors

of the General Lee shut. They had to get in through the

windows. What did they do when it rained?

Well they got wet, didn’t they? It probably already occurred to you, but there was no written test to become a Duke of Hazzard, just a fair amount of stagnation in your particular gene pool (that erred on the side of physical appearance, not brains.) They got wet. They probably put Daisy by the window, drove around until she was really soaked, then went down to the local junior high and charged a buck a head for the young-uns to look at their sister all wet and slippery and such. Shucks, they was still young themselves, and didn’t even know they was Republicans yet.

JennyO

Why does my son insist on using my bathroom when his is

so much bigger and nicer?

He is male. Peeing is about territory. It doesn’t matter that his is better, it’s that yours is not his. You should check into having him neutered.

What was the best vacation you ever took?

The one where I got certified to scuba dive, in Maui, many years ago. There was a lot of intense study, followed by great practical experience and the opening of a great new world. Before that I was usually so hammered that I don’t remember my vacations, and since then the only thing remotely like a vacation has been some form of research trip or promotional tour — so I was working, more or less. Which is not a bad thing. I don’t really have much to vacation from, anymore. I really, really like my job, and I’ve always lived in beautiful places where other people go on vacation.

Are you going to see Spamalot? Can I go with you if you

are?

Nope. I don’t think I”ll be in New York for quite a while.

Yet another installment of “The Author Guy Answers Your Questions.” It’s late, I’m tired, so if you aren’t satisfied with the answers, then perhaps you didn’t ask the right question. (Or, you know, I could be slacking off.)

Lib writes:

Does it every make you nervous to be living on a volcano in

the middle of the ocean or do you just go with the flow?

It does make me nervous, but I find that I do my best work

under pressure, and having a river of molten rock heading for

your office, that, my friends, is pressure. I do it all for you.

Think Insane Asks:

Why isn’t it legal for me to punch everyone I see until the

nicotine cravings stop? I’m just asking, cuz you know, I want

to do that.

Because smoking is bad for you. Duh.

Palmer asks:

Why is it that we have a bestselling author here who is

willing to answer any of our questions about writing in a

dedicated forum (“so you wanna be a writer”), and nobody,

me included, can think of anything else to ask him? Why?

Sometimes, recognizing the correct question to ask, is the

point.

Chuin queries:

Why is it that author will wait till we are over halfway into a

book before giving a description of the leading character?

Actually, I think this is a total bullshit move on the part of any

author, and wildly unfair. You need to have at least a couple

of details to go on. I think the worst violation of this I

remember is T.C. Boyle’s Water Music, where you get about

200 pages into the book before finding out the narrator is

about five-five and weighs 250 or so. Until then you’re sort of

allowed to get the impression of a completely different

character. As I said, I think it’s bullshit, and it gives you the

right to not read any more books by that guy. Boyle,

however, is still writing interesting stuff, and that was a very

early effort, I think.

Lauren asks:

Cows: why?

I’m glad you asked that, Lauren. Ans: Because.

kitcoe axes:

What exactly is a Koozmanian Mortafuffle? and do they

really have 3 1/2 wings?

The Koozmanian Mortafuffle is just another name for a

you-know-what. How many wings it has sort of depends on

how adventurous you are in your choice of attire, if you know

what I mean.

John asks:

If two eggs cost 69 cents, how much does a pound of butter

weigh?

You are paying way too much for your eggs. Probably should

spend less time weighing your butter and more time

comparison shopping.

Regina asks:

What are some big “red flags” when entering a relationship

with someone new (friend, busines, etc… ) ?

You want to watch for any unidentified “organ meat” in their

fridge. Also, anyone who starts slamming heroin or smoking

crack on a first date you want to cool things with, especially

if you’re still at the dinner table.

sjt asks:

What are your favorite Zombie-themed movies?

I like Evil Dead 2, Shaun of the Dead (of course), and Dead

Alive (one of Peter Jackson’s first movies, entitled

“Braindead” in the U.K.).

And finally, Sgt_steve asks:

Since Ossie Davis is now dead, who should play President

Kennedy in Bubba Nosferatu

Ossie Davis, of course. Who would be more appropriate in a

movie about the undead?

Beeropotamus asks: Why is it that I find myself constantly buying your books? I know that I’ve gone into the book store and purchased “the complete works” at least twice now. I’ve re-purchased individual books 3 or 4 times as well. Could I really be so forgetful that I’ve lost them.

Dear Mr. potamus: There’s a good chance that you have simply discovered the joy of multiple copies. I, myself, own several copies of all of my books, and to my delight, they have brought me good fortune and nearly superhuman charisma and humility. I hope you have similar results, but if not, it may be because you still don’t have enough copies.

Matrinka asks: 1. If you could have any super powers, what would they be? Why? (I personally want the ability to make stupid people get out of my way when I just want to go somewhere).

As super human powers go, I would like most of the normal ones, plus that one where you can understand what animals and bugs are saying.

2. Is Pittsburgh a yucky city or does it just sound like it is?

Yes

3. Do you want a spiteful cat? I’m trying to find a home for mine.

Thanks, but I think you’re kitty would love a FeEx trip to Pittsburg.

4. Why does Disney insist on telling all the kids in the theme parks that the characters are “real” when there is an obvious zipper on many of their backs?

Because they are evil bastards.

5. Why are there no In-N-Out Burgers on the east coast? Can we have one, please?

Because the East was established by Pilgrims, and they are not going to tolerate anything named “In and Out” on a sign out there in the open. If they can serve in and out in private clubs, however, they are going to be on it like a fat kid on a cupcake.

6. Would it be better to have Dick Cheney in office than “w?” I’m debating if I should mourn, should a terrorist attack him.

There is no “better” in those situations.

Dan O Asks: I have a friend who is a gnome and we are trying to teleport him to England for a White Stripes concert. Do you know anything about Quantum Gnome Dynamics (QGD)? Specifically, what are the dangers of tearing apart and reassembling a gnome at the atomic level.

I’m glad you asked that question, Dan O.

Lib Axes

Dear Author Guy, Do you put out some kind of hormonal essence that attracts us here? If so…what’s it called?

Why yes, yes I do, Lib. I distill a special extract from the gonads of geckos, reduce it to a form so concentrated that it can pass through the server to your own machines, and thereby attracting you to this site again and again. Oh yeah, don’ t be surprised if you also have the sudden urge to eat a bug. Comes with the territory.

Jilly asks:

Why is it that pigeons can poop on us and we can’t do the same to them. I mean it’s only fair isn’t it. Do they do it on purpose or do we just make good targets?

There is no law against pooping on pidgeons, Jilly. I would encourage you to try it every chance you get. And please, don’t hesitate to videotape your efforts so the rest of us can be inspired by your courage.

Katy O asks:

What would your last meal be?

Anything with cyanide or arsenic in it, I guess. Or, you know, lava. You couldn’t eat much lava.

What’s the funniest joke you’ve ever heard?

Mom was up on the roof.

How do you feel about feng shui?

I’m for it.

Brad Asks:

Have you ever had to listen to a song so many times it made you want to rip your hair out, strand by strand by STRAND, go on a killing spree, burn a building down, or at least go turn off the radio?

It’s 1977, I’m working nightcrew in a grocery store where you listen to the radio blasting all night long, and Linda Ronstadt’s Blue Bijou comes on for the eight-zillionth time. That was the moment. I snapped. I’ve never been the same.

Have you ever felt the need to smash a sibling’s/friend’s/anyone else’s stereo?

When I was a student at Brooks Institute of Photography I had a roommate that played Grateful Dead albums all day and all night long. I was finally forced to threaten to shoot his motorcycle with my .44 Magnum if he didn’t turn the shit off. (I’m not kidding.)

A Guest asks: The return of leg warmers as fashion- yay or nay?

I like ‘em. Especially if it means that we are going through the return of high-waisted jeans, which came between the hip-hugger and leg-warmer trend. I think we should all agree, if women will pass on high-waisted jeans from the 70s, guys will resist the urge to get perms. Ylekot88 asks:

Do you ever get tongue tied and shy, or have a hard time speaking to people you’ve never met before?

Yes. I have an awful time going up to other authors I admire. Really beautiful women turn me into a bit of a botard as well.

Jenny O asks What books did you like when you were a kid?

Early on I was heavily into One Fish, Two Fish and Are You My Mother, then, during my sophomore year in college… (kidding)

I liked Jules Verne a lot. I remember reading the illustrated versions and nearly whizzing with anticipation with each chapter because I wouldn’t allow myself to look at the pictures until I read to that part of the book. I also liked Beverly Cleary books, and later Ray Bradbury Stories and the James Bond Novels. At about sixteen I discovered H.P. Lovecraft, then went off on a horror jag for about eight years, where I discovered Richard Matheson, Robert Bloch, Fritz Leiber, Frank Belknap Long, and a number of other horror writers who influenced me to want to write that kind of stuff.

AND:

Why, no matter how uncomfortable I am, am I unwilling to move and disturb the cat?

Because you think that the cat is a little person in a fur suit. That’s not the case. Not only doesn’t your cat not have anything important that it’s resting up for, it won’t remember three minutes later if you disturb it, and most important: You will not go to hell for disturbing the cat and it will not count against you, especially if you’ve killed some motherfuckers. I know you were worried about that.

Jewbacca axes: What songs do you want to be played at your funeral? In this order:

I get by with a little help from my friends. (Joe Cocker version) You can’t always get what you want. (Stones) Time after Time (Tuck and Patti Version) Why don’t we get drunk and screw (Jimmy Buffet) Detachable Penis (King Missile) Baba O’Reilly (The Who)

Tal asks: What moment would you relive if you could? Would you change anything?

When my dying mother looks at me and says, “I wasn’t really that bad, was I?” I would say no.

Regina asks:

What’s your most vividly remembered experience with New Wave music?

Playing the Psychedelic Furs Pretty In Pink at full blast on 200 watt speakers in the studio on my Friday radio show while smoking cigarettes, drinking asphalt-thick coffee, and doing Pete Townsend air guitar windmills through the entire song. It’s boring, but that’s it.

Kjs237 asks: Who is more macho: Batman or Spiderman? Why?

Batman, because he broods more. This is not necessarily a good thing, by the way.

Timmy Askesses: Dearest Author Guy,

Please… PLEASE tell me why W insists that the correct pronunciation of the word “Nuclear” is Nuke-ya-ler……cause it’s about to cause me to hemorrhage uncontrollably from the brain……do you think it might be punishment for me living in a red state????

Yes. Sorry. You fucked up.

The up side is that you realize it. That makes you a bigger person than those who actually voted for that evil fucktard. Welcome to the intellectual elite.

Quinn queries:

Quinn here – who has famously offered her home in Romania if you come to town to (ahem) do research. I am currently attending some economic tradecraft training and your home buying riff hurt my head. So here is my question … when all the houses cost more than a million dollars each, where are we, the common folk, supposed to rest our weary heads? Hmm?

‘Kay, first, I did not just drop off the turnip truck and therefore am not accepting any invitations to stay at any house in fucking Romania. That’s sort of on par in cultural illiteracy with going down in the basement in a negligee with a candle to check why the power might have gone out, just after the radio announced that there was a psycho killer on the loose. Not to seem ungracious, but wigga please…

And second, I don’t think it really matters what housing costs are when the only criterion you have is that there has to be someplace dark and in your native soil.

Thanks though.