Christopher Moore's Blog

That’s right, another installment of ASK THE AUTHOR GUY.

Gretchen asks 2: If you were going to be at a dinner party with other (living)

authors, who would you hope the other guests would be?

C: Hmmm. Living? Tom Robbins, Kurt Vonnegut, Nick

Hornby, Terry Pratchett, Dave Barry, Stephen Frye, Hugh

Laurie, Billy Collins, Calvin Trillan, and Bill Bryson. And only

under the condition that I don’t have to say anything.

If, during the dinner, something was served that you

absolutely refused to even contemplate eating, even if it

would be the height of rudeness, what would that item be?

C:Republican rhetoric.

Kim asks: Would you remember some fans from a Monterey promo for

“Fluke,” about three years ago? Two sixteen-year-old girls,

my friend with waist-length green hair?

C: Yes. I always remember the green haired people. Three years ago? That

would men that you’re 19 now, right? Tell me, Kim, do you like Gladiator

movies? 🙄

Can I be as funny a writer as you are when I grow up? Or

could you just keep writing until I’m old and senile?

C:Yes. I hope. For both our sakes.

Y asks:

Are there any questions you are completely tired of

answering?

C: Yes. “Where do you get your ideas?”

I8Tokyo asks three questions:

What happens to the socks that always disappear in the

dryer?

C: They end up on the single shoes on the side of the road.

No one knows how.

Will the Monkees ever get back together? How about KC

and the Sunshine Band?

C: KC and the Sunshine Band are touring as we speak.

Really. The Monkees, however, will not get back together.

Is Jim Morrison really dead.

C: Yes.

Ted J asks:

Is there anything with any redeeming value on tv these

days?

C: No. But that doesn’t mean that there aren’t things that are

entertaining.

Lenore asks:

I’ve now read five of your books, loving them for different

reasons. I do have my favorite but I was wondering …do

you?

I know artists talk about their favorite is the one they are

working on now. Or that each work is like a child, blah blah

blah no favorite, each one is special yada yada yada.

C: I think Lamb is my best book, because it was the most

ambitious and I was able to pull it off, so I suppose that’s my

favorite. Bloodsucking Fiends was the most fun to write, but

that’s a totally different set of standards.

Regina asks: Hey AG- What, if anything, do you miss about working in

commercial radio? Conversely, what are you happy to have

left behind?

C: I liked the spontaneity of making up material on the fly. I

liked the energy in the studio and I liked being exposed to all

the new music. I didn’t like the crazy people and the lame

attempts at producing lame programing. I was very fortunate

to be able to run my own show, without programming

perameters, so I was a little spoiled. The price for that was

making a little more than minimum wage for air time.

Jodi axes:

Do you think Quebec should separate from the rest of

Canada? If it does, do you think the rest of Canada would

stay together or splinter off into mini-Canadas?

C: I absolutely think that Quebec should separate from the

rest of Canada. I’m not as sure about all the mini-Canadas.

Once you dump the French speakers, I think the rest of you

guys should stick together, eh?

Klari writes:

I believe the Author Guy in his wisdom made a comment

about “some douch-waffle who doesn’t get the message

from God that the reason she can’t conceive is because she

is supposed to keep her tainted genes from peeing in the

pool in the first place”

How would this apply to a Christopher Moore fan? Suppose

one of your followers had fertility issues, would it not be

prudent for the AG to support the procreation of his followers

in the hopes that we will produce little CM fans to go forth

and spread the word?

C: I think it goes without saying, that if someone likes my

work, they are probably okay to breed.

Lib Axes: Do you still play with the neighbor’s paint-spotted chicken or

has Charlie finally took the paint ball gun away?

C: I still have the paint ball gun, and I occasionally still let

loose on the local poultry, but even chickens learn after a

while, so they’ve learned to take alteranative routes around

the property.

.

Pool Party asks:

Why is it that the guys who are high on your cute list don’t

even know you are alive, while the creeps (the 80 year old

postman and the former funeral home director ) have turned into horndogs.

C: Maybe it’s something about you that these guys feel they

may have in common with you. You aren’t dead, are you?

Because that would indicate a common interest among both

of the types you mentioned.

Sgt-Steve asks: How come women come out of the woodworrk when you get

married? Women who previously wouldn’t give me the time

of day (well, on a date) all said “Damn, another good one

taken” when I got engaged. For some reason they don’t

consider you relationship material until you prove it by

marrying somebody else.

C: I have no idea why this happens, but it is so predictable

as to be scary. And it’s not just getting married, this has

gone on back as far as fifth grade. The corollary to this little

formula when it comes to the single guy, is that as soon as

he makes a move for any of the newly interested, they too,

will evaporate. I will defer to the women on the board, who

hopefully will explain.

Jeff writes:

My friend keeps telling me that I should publish my song

lyrics as a poetry book. Is there a market I can tap into?

C:No

What should my first step be after producing a manuscript?

C: Staple it together and find a place to store it.

How can I avoid publishers using it as novelty toilet tissue?

C: Make sure they don’t have access to your secret storage

place.

Is there a light at the end of the tunnel?

C: Yes. Unfortunately, it is an oncoming train.

Carry on.

Actually, this post is about stealing. I just burned the whole morning trying to justify my existence, and I thought I’d share. Anyway, this post was on another part of the board yesterday:

“I love Christopher Moore’s work—I’ve been on a laughing roll reading Lamb and a couple of others lately—I’m a very early fan beginning with Practical Demonkeping days—but I’ve had strange hauntingsa while reading Fluke—-feelings of been there/saw that—Like wasn’t there this TV show on Sci-fi Chanel that had whalelike ships that were living controlled by “pilots” (like whaley–boys)? Hey, wasn’t there? Really, a living organism ship with an integrated “pilot” and alien crew? Especially I liked the pilot who was totallly integrated with the the whalelike organism. Pilot was cool. Did I miss something here? Was this show given any credit? Isn’t Farscape a major influence on this novelties of this novel (beyond the Gooville meme/gene theme)?”

Me again. I wrote a sarcastic reply, but then I lost some sleep thinking about it, and I think a more serious reply is in order. Not because the post merits it, but because I need to make it.

Now that the initial rush of being pissed-off has passed, I will admit that there a parallel between the living ship Moya and live interface the Whaley boys use, but I assure you guys, I didn’t get that idea from Farscape. I liked the show, but it never occurred to me that Pilot and the pilots were similar. In fact, strange as it may seem, the Whaley boys on the ship are actually modeled on, wait for it, yes, pilot whales.

That said, I need to get this out of the way.

I am writing a book about the personification of Death. I formulated the plot nearly ten years ago, and submitted the proposal three years ago. Since then, Dead Like Me has come out on Show Time, and much to my dismay, many of the ideas I was going to use, were being used in that show. I’ve been scrambling all along to make my book different, and it is, but anyone looking for a parallel will definitely see one, because it’s a big, universal theme. It’s been around for as long as I can remember, this Death on Earth thing, from Death takes a Holiday, to Joe Black, to On a Pale Horse, to that early Twilight Zone with Robert Redford as Death, to Gaiman’s cute, perky girl Death, we’ve been putting a death suit on people in fiction for a long time. As with vampires and demons and sea monsters, it’s part of the supernatural pallet, and as with my work with those other elements, I’m hoping to bring something fresh and funny to the motif.

Since Bloodsucking Fiends came out in the mid 90s, there has sprung up an entirely new sub-genre of vampire fiction: Chick-Vampire-Lit, with titles like UnDead and Unwed, and Every Which Way but Dead, which explore blood and the single girl a little more thoroughly than my book. I don’t for a second think that these writers were inspired by Fiends, but I do think that there was a logical place to go with the vampire story, a logical point of view to be exploited, and several authors have gone there, completely independent of my single-girl vampire story. That’s how this works. If you start thinking about a certain set of elements in a story, you are bound to come to similar conclusions. (Start listing all the Faust motif stories you’ve read over the years and you’ll get my drift. Oh, Practical Demonkeeping is one of those as well.)

In the seventies there were two books that came out independent of each other that were so similar in plot that when they made the movie, they had to use both of them to avoid legal trouble. The books were called The Tower and The Inferno, the movie was The Towering Inferno. Coincidence happens. People were thinking disaster back then. Fire in a high-rise was the logical next step.

I got a letter the other day from someone who had just read Coyote Blue and said it reminded him of American Gods, by Neil Gaiman. He wondered if I had been inspired by American Gods. Well, actually, I’m sure that I was inspired by a similar idea, that the old God’s are irrelevant to our time, and that if Gods are going to be relevant, they need to move and work in our world, a world of electronics and automobiles and instant communication, not of swords and monsters and nothing but agriculture or hunting parables, to which none of us relate anymore. It’s also irrelevant that Coyote came out some eight years before American Gods, but I know that Neil hadn’t read it. We were simply two authors working with the same theme, and coming up with completely different ways of expressing it. It’s obvious to anyone who reads the two books that a similar theme is at work, but that doesn’t mean that one begat the other. A couple of years ago I ordered all the Sandman books and read straight through them. Much to my surprise, one of the stories was about Joshua Norton, a homeless man who declared himself Emperor of San Francisco back in the 1860s. The story had been written and published about the same time as Bloodsucking Fiends, but quite honestly, because I’m not a comic book guy, Good Omens was the only work I’d ever seen from Neil Gaiman, and that because someone sent me a copy a few years after Practical Demonkeeping came out, citing a similarity, which there is none. Yet there they were, two stories based on the same historical character, mine, the Emperor, in Fiends, and Neil’s, more true to the history of Joshua Norton. How could that happen?

Because it’s fucking cool! Because as a writer you read a lot, you consume huge amounts of material, and when a good story manifests itself, you jump on it. Emperor Norton is a great story, and not an obscure one. There is still a city-wide chain of Emperor Norton bakeries in San Francisco, and nearly any historical account or display of the city will include photos of him. It fires the imagination of a storyteller.

In the same spirit, anyone who observes a whale, especially a blue whale, will come to the conclusion that they look “designed”. That they, in fact, look like large ships — streamlined and efficent. I first discussed the plot for Fluke with my agent back in 1997. He actually was talking about suggesting the idea that whale song have some kind of message in it to another writer, a friend of ours who was having a hard time coming up with an idea for his next book. As we chatted, in jest, I suggested that maybe there was someone inside the whale sending messages. That’s how it began. When the time came to write a second book of the Lamb contract, I wanted to do something that would get me out in the field researching, so I proposed the whale book. The Whaley boys came out of photo my friend, Flip Nicklin, took of a pilot whale, that looks very much like the Alien from the movies has just told you a joke and is enjoying the punch line before he bites your head off. I wanted to bring these outrageous hybrids between humans and pilot whales to the page. The interesting thing to me, is that most of the negative reviews the book has gotten on Amazon is because it’s too wild, too far out, just too unbelievable. In the review of Lust Lizard, Publisher’s Weekly said that I just might be a decent writer if I could reign in my imagination. That’s right, kids, too much imagination. I’m not out of ideas, is what I’m saying.

All that is a very long-winded way of saying that neither I, nor any other author I know would knowingly lift an idea from another writer. Inspiration? Sure, I’ve gone on ad infinitum about the writers who have inspired me. Coincidence, synchronicity? Absolutely. But when you make your living by making up stories, the joy, and I’m not kidding here, is IN MAKING UP THE STORY. That’s the new part, the discovery. The writing of it is, well, work. You’re not going to lift a story to make deadline, and on the contrary, I absolutely agonize that something will come out that’s close enough to torpedo a project because of the similarity. (I was mortified when, while writing Fluke, I saw the trailer for the Disney animated film Atlantis, where they have ships, yes, that’s right, shaped like whales. Fuck! How did they steal that from me when the book isn’t even finished yet? )

One last anecdote:

Back in ’95 or so, I did a lecture tour on a cruise ship, where I basically talked about writing for five weeks while they fed me and sailed me around the Pacific. When I got home, I sent a short proposal for a horror story (novel) set on a cruise ship to my agent, just to see what he thought. His assistant read it and sent me a note saying, “It seems derivative of David Foster Wallace’s article in Vanity Fair called A Very Fun Thing That I’ll Never Do Again,” which was a humorous account of Wallace’s experiences while on a similar tour. It had appeared while I was at sea, and I had not read it, nor have I read it since. Yet what did she say: “It seems DERIVATIVE”. Let it pass that I was writing a supernatural comic novel set on a cruise ship and Wallace had written a humorous true account of his own experiences. Forget that I would have characters and a plot and that I had never even seen the article, nor do I read Vanity Fair because it makes me feel unclean. DERIVATIVE!

Well, that woman, for no reason that has to do with me, is no longer with my agent, but some ten years have passed, and I’m still pissed off. To appear smart, to show that she was literate, to show that she could recognize the same setting, she basically accused me of stealing. This is an awfully serious accusation to make, and I would caution people not to go about it lightly.

An author may find inspiration in many places, including the stories of other writers, but it’s simply not part of the make-up of a writer to knowingly steal material. It’s too hard and takes too long to get to be a professional level as a writer to not have confidence in your own material. You know from the time you’re doing your first report in fifth grade that the one thing you aren’t allowed to do is plagiarize. If that was your inclination, you’d give up long before you went pro. You’d have to. I know there have been some pretty high-level cases of plagiarism in the last couple of years (Stephen Ambrose, Doris Kearns Goodwin) but these were non-fiction writers, who probably just blurred material from their notes into the book. (I think the material in question in both cases was the matter of a sentence or two.) Novelists don’t really gain anything by swiping material. For one thing, we’re not working underneath the radar. Our stuff will be out there for consideration. People will notice.

It’s just fine to explore the similarity of themes in different people’s work – see how they handled it – compare and contrast, but think twice before accusing someone of stealing. It may just be a way to display your cleverness, but to the writer it’s important, and he may spend the whole morning writing out a blog post about it instead of working on a book that’s due in a few months.

(And, oh yeah, don’t ever, ever, ask an author to look at your manuscript, or even discuss an idea you’re working on. Why? Well, you know why now, don’t you? Because if he sees your idea, he can be accused of stealing your it. )

More inane answers to your insightful questions.

stackyroo42 asks:

Why do 90 percent of the movies made from Video Games,

TV Shows and Books suck?

Well, this is all evidence of Sturgeon’s law, which states that

90% of everything is crap. And if you think about it, that

especially applies to TV and video games. Not really a huge

surprise that even a good video game can be made into a

bad movie. But who was surprised that Starsky and Hutch

was a shitty movie? The Beverly Hillbillys? It goes the other

way around, too. Clueless, good movie (IMHO), crappy TV

show.

Don’t even get started with the good books that have been

made into miserable films. Usually it’s because you simply

can’t effectively tell a 100-200,000 word (or more) story in

fewer than 50,000 words, which is script length. Choices —

cuts — have to be made, and often even a screenwriter with

the best intentions will gut a good book. Sometimes it’s just

best to look at the film and the book as separate entities,

that way you won’t be disappointed. For instance,

Bladerunner is a pretty cool movie. Doesnt’ have much to do

with the book from which it was made, but it’s a pretty cool

movie. In the case of legal thrillers, I think some of the

movies are actually better than the books — the

performances by the actors give more dimension to the

characters than the authors do. Elmore Leonard’s books

were brutally abused in Hollywood for years. You’d read his

books and you’d think they were natural to be made into

movies, then they’d be crap on film. It took Tarantino, I think,

to wake people up as to how you film a Leonard book. Still,

some will hit, some will miss.

If a book sells a million copies it’s a runaway bestseller. If a

movie sells only a million tickets, it’s a miserable failure. That

alone, that need to appeal to a larger audience, often causes

producers to water down those elements that were the vary

appeal of the book. In order to appeal to a wider

demographic, or a different demographic, they fuck up the

material.

As for my own stuff, as much as I’d love to have the career

boost that a major motion picture can provide, I’d much

rather see a book like Lamb made into a ten hour

mini-series. It just has too much going on for a two hour

movie, and once they are done cutting it, it’s going to be like

any goofy interpretation of the gospels. It doesn’t fit in the

three act structure. Bloodsucking Fiends, on the other hand,

was written to a three act structure, and would make a great

movie, I think. Unfortunately, I sold it outright to a producer

who can’t get it made, and has the rights in perpetuity.

Also from Stackroo42

Have you read the DaVinci Code? If so, What did you think?

I think that it would be nice to get Dan Brown’s royalties.

Other than that, I thought it was an okay thriller.

Why does my cat think the best place to sleep is my

keyboard when I’m using it?

Because you keep pointing to it. The irony? Point to anything

else and your cat will look at your finger. Maybe if you made

little clicky noises by tapping his kitty bed for an hour then he

would sleep there.

Regina asks:

What’s your favorite comfort food?

Mac and Cheese, in giant quantities. Malted milk, also in

giant quantities, and mashed potatoes, in giant quantities. I

think quantities may have something to do with my level of

comfort. If I feel a need for comfort food, I like to eat myself

into a stupor. Appropriately, I’ve been on a high-protein, low

carb diet for about four months now.

Sgt_Steve askes:

And what’s your favorite comfort read – the book or series

you re-read when a cold had you running at half-capacity?

When I reread anything it’s usually poetry (Billy Collins,

lately) or Steinbeck. And with Steinbeck it’s almost always

Cannery Row, Sweet Thursday, Tortilla Flat, or The

Pastures of Heaven.

Ferrit Leggings Asks:

What is your Fav Vonnegut book?

Probably Bluebeard, which I know is a weird choice, but I

really liked the commentary on the artist. I also liked

Slapstick a lot.

Jodiferous asks:

I work with a chronic whistler. Non stop whistling, all day

long. He does whistle actual tunes…nonetheless, I am

overwhelmed with the desire to punch him the face. Even

though he is my friend.

Does that make me a bad person?

No, Jod, that does not make you a bad person. Relax. You

were a bad person before.

Goudron:

Bo and Luke Duke in The Dukes of Hazard welded the doors

of the General Lee shut. They had to get in through the

windows. What did they do when it rained?

Well they got wet, didn’t they? It probably already occurred to you, but there was no written test to become a Duke of Hazzard, just a fair amount of stagnation in your particular gene pool (that erred on the side of physical appearance, not brains.) They got wet. They probably put Daisy by the window, drove around until she was really soaked, then went down to the local junior high and charged a buck a head for the young-uns to look at their sister all wet and slippery and such. Shucks, they was still young themselves, and didn’t even know they was Republicans yet.

JennyO

Why does my son insist on using my bathroom when his is

so much bigger and nicer?

He is male. Peeing is about territory. It doesn’t matter that his is better, it’s that yours is not his. You should check into having him neutered.

What was the best vacation you ever took?

The one where I got certified to scuba dive, in Maui, many years ago. There was a lot of intense study, followed by great practical experience and the opening of a great new world. Before that I was usually so hammered that I don’t remember my vacations, and since then the only thing remotely like a vacation has been some form of research trip or promotional tour — so I was working, more or less. Which is not a bad thing. I don’t really have much to vacation from, anymore. I really, really like my job, and I’ve always lived in beautiful places where other people go on vacation.

Are you going to see Spamalot? Can I go with you if you

are?

Nope. I don’t think I”ll be in New York for quite a while.

Yet another installment of “The Author Guy Answers Your Questions.” It’s late, I’m tired, so if you aren’t satisfied with the answers, then perhaps you didn’t ask the right question. (Or, you know, I could be slacking off.)

Lib writes:

Does it every make you nervous to be living on a volcano in

the middle of the ocean or do you just go with the flow?

It does make me nervous, but I find that I do my best work

under pressure, and having a river of molten rock heading for

your office, that, my friends, is pressure. I do it all for you.

Think Insane Asks:

Why isn’t it legal for me to punch everyone I see until the

nicotine cravings stop? I’m just asking, cuz you know, I want

to do that.

Because smoking is bad for you. Duh.

Palmer asks:

Why is it that we have a bestselling author here who is

willing to answer any of our questions about writing in a

dedicated forum (“so you wanna be a writer”), and nobody,

me included, can think of anything else to ask him? Why?

Sometimes, recognizing the correct question to ask, is the

point.

Chuin queries:

Why is it that author will wait till we are over halfway into a

book before giving a description of the leading character?

Actually, I think this is a total bullshit move on the part of any

author, and wildly unfair. You need to have at least a couple

of details to go on. I think the worst violation of this I

remember is T.C. Boyle’s Water Music, where you get about

200 pages into the book before finding out the narrator is

about five-five and weighs 250 or so. Until then you’re sort of

allowed to get the impression of a completely different

character. As I said, I think it’s bullshit, and it gives you the

right to not read any more books by that guy. Boyle,

however, is still writing interesting stuff, and that was a very

early effort, I think.

Lauren asks:

Cows: why?

I’m glad you asked that, Lauren. Ans: Because.

kitcoe axes:

What exactly is a Koozmanian Mortafuffle? and do they

really have 3 1/2 wings?

The Koozmanian Mortafuffle is just another name for a

you-know-what. How many wings it has sort of depends on

how adventurous you are in your choice of attire, if you know

what I mean.

John asks:

If two eggs cost 69 cents, how much does a pound of butter

weigh?

You are paying way too much for your eggs. Probably should

spend less time weighing your butter and more time

comparison shopping.

Regina asks:

What are some big “red flags” when entering a relationship

with someone new (friend, busines, etc… ) ?

You want to watch for any unidentified “organ meat” in their

fridge. Also, anyone who starts slamming heroin or smoking

crack on a first date you want to cool things with, especially

if you’re still at the dinner table.

sjt asks:

What are your favorite Zombie-themed movies?

I like Evil Dead 2, Shaun of the Dead (of course), and Dead

Alive (one of Peter Jackson’s first movies, entitled

“Braindead” in the U.K.).

And finally, Sgt_steve asks:

Since Ossie Davis is now dead, who should play President

Kennedy in Bubba Nosferatu

Ossie Davis, of course. Who would be more appropriate in a

movie about the undead?

Beeropotamus asks: Why is it that I find myself constantly buying your books? I know that I’ve gone into the book store and purchased “the complete works” at least twice now. I’ve re-purchased individual books 3 or 4 times as well. Could I really be so forgetful that I’ve lost them.

Dear Mr. potamus: There’s a good chance that you have simply discovered the joy of multiple copies. I, myself, own several copies of all of my books, and to my delight, they have brought me good fortune and nearly superhuman charisma and humility. I hope you have similar results, but if not, it may be because you still don’t have enough copies.

Matrinka asks: 1. If you could have any super powers, what would they be? Why? (I personally want the ability to make stupid people get out of my way when I just want to go somewhere).

As super human powers go, I would like most of the normal ones, plus that one where you can understand what animals and bugs are saying.

2. Is Pittsburgh a yucky city or does it just sound like it is?

Yes

3. Do you want a spiteful cat? I’m trying to find a home for mine.

Thanks, but I think you’re kitty would love a FeEx trip to Pittsburg.

4. Why does Disney insist on telling all the kids in the theme parks that the characters are “real” when there is an obvious zipper on many of their backs?

Because they are evil bastards.

5. Why are there no In-N-Out Burgers on the east coast? Can we have one, please?

Because the East was established by Pilgrims, and they are not going to tolerate anything named “In and Out” on a sign out there in the open. If they can serve in and out in private clubs, however, they are going to be on it like a fat kid on a cupcake.

6. Would it be better to have Dick Cheney in office than “w?” I’m debating if I should mourn, should a terrorist attack him.

There is no “better” in those situations.

Dan O Asks: I have a friend who is a gnome and we are trying to teleport him to England for a White Stripes concert. Do you know anything about Quantum Gnome Dynamics (QGD)? Specifically, what are the dangers of tearing apart and reassembling a gnome at the atomic level.

I’m glad you asked that question, Dan O.

Lib Axes

Dear Author Guy, Do you put out some kind of hormonal essence that attracts us here? If so…what’s it called?

Why yes, yes I do, Lib. I distill a special extract from the gonads of geckos, reduce it to a form so concentrated that it can pass through the server to your own machines, and thereby attracting you to this site again and again. Oh yeah, don’ t be surprised if you also have the sudden urge to eat a bug. Comes with the territory.

Jilly asks:

Why is it that pigeons can poop on us and we can’t do the same to them. I mean it’s only fair isn’t it. Do they do it on purpose or do we just make good targets?

There is no law against pooping on pidgeons, Jilly. I would encourage you to try it every chance you get. And please, don’t hesitate to videotape your efforts so the rest of us can be inspired by your courage.

Katy O asks:

What would your last meal be?

Anything with cyanide or arsenic in it, I guess. Or, you know, lava. You couldn’t eat much lava.

What’s the funniest joke you’ve ever heard?

Mom was up on the roof.

How do you feel about feng shui?

I’m for it.

Brad Asks:

Have you ever had to listen to a song so many times it made you want to rip your hair out, strand by strand by STRAND, go on a killing spree, burn a building down, or at least go turn off the radio?

It’s 1977, I’m working nightcrew in a grocery store where you listen to the radio blasting all night long, and Linda Ronstadt’s Blue Bijou comes on for the eight-zillionth time. That was the moment. I snapped. I’ve never been the same.

Have you ever felt the need to smash a sibling’s/friend’s/anyone else’s stereo?

When I was a student at Brooks Institute of Photography I had a roommate that played Grateful Dead albums all day and all night long. I was finally forced to threaten to shoot his motorcycle with my .44 Magnum if he didn’t turn the shit off. (I’m not kidding.)

A Guest asks: The return of leg warmers as fashion- yay or nay?

I like ‘em. Especially if it means that we are going through the return of high-waisted jeans, which came between the hip-hugger and leg-warmer trend. I think we should all agree, if women will pass on high-waisted jeans from the 70s, guys will resist the urge to get perms. Ylekot88 asks:

Do you ever get tongue tied and shy, or have a hard time speaking to people you’ve never met before?

Yes. I have an awful time going up to other authors I admire. Really beautiful women turn me into a bit of a botard as well.

Jenny O asks What books did you like when you were a kid?

Early on I was heavily into One Fish, Two Fish and Are You My Mother, then, during my sophomore year in college… (kidding)

I liked Jules Verne a lot. I remember reading the illustrated versions and nearly whizzing with anticipation with each chapter because I wouldn’t allow myself to look at the pictures until I read to that part of the book. I also liked Beverly Cleary books, and later Ray Bradbury Stories and the James Bond Novels. At about sixteen I discovered H.P. Lovecraft, then went off on a horror jag for about eight years, where I discovered Richard Matheson, Robert Bloch, Fritz Leiber, Frank Belknap Long, and a number of other horror writers who influenced me to want to write that kind of stuff.

AND:

Why, no matter how uncomfortable I am, am I unwilling to move and disturb the cat?

Because you think that the cat is a little person in a fur suit. That’s not the case. Not only doesn’t your cat not have anything important that it’s resting up for, it won’t remember three minutes later if you disturb it, and most important: You will not go to hell for disturbing the cat and it will not count against you, especially if you’ve killed some motherfuckers. I know you were worried about that.

Jewbacca axes: What songs do you want to be played at your funeral? In this order:

I get by with a little help from my friends. (Joe Cocker version) You can’t always get what you want. (Stones) Time after Time (Tuck and Patti Version) Why don’t we get drunk and screw (Jimmy Buffet) Detachable Penis (King Missile) Baba O’Reilly (The Who)

Tal asks: What moment would you relive if you could? Would you change anything?

When my dying mother looks at me and says, “I wasn’t really that bad, was I?” I would say no.

Regina asks:

What’s your most vividly remembered experience with New Wave music?

Playing the Psychedelic Furs Pretty In Pink at full blast on 200 watt speakers in the studio on my Friday radio show while smoking cigarettes, drinking asphalt-thick coffee, and doing Pete Townsend air guitar windmills through the entire song. It’s boring, but that’s it.

Kjs237 asks: Who is more macho: Batman or Spiderman? Why?

Batman, because he broods more. This is not necessarily a good thing, by the way.

Timmy Askesses: Dearest Author Guy,

Please… PLEASE tell me why W insists that the correct pronunciation of the word “Nuclear” is Nuke-ya-ler……cause it’s about to cause me to hemorrhage uncontrollably from the brain……do you think it might be punishment for me living in a red state????

Yes. Sorry. You fucked up.

The up side is that you realize it. That makes you a bigger person than those who actually voted for that evil fucktard. Welcome to the intellectual elite.

Quinn queries:

Quinn here – who has famously offered her home in Romania if you come to town to (ahem) do research. I am currently attending some economic tradecraft training and your home buying riff hurt my head. So here is my question … when all the houses cost more than a million dollars each, where are we, the common folk, supposed to rest our weary heads? Hmm?

‘Kay, first, I did not just drop off the turnip truck and therefore am not accepting any invitations to stay at any house in fucking Romania. That’s sort of on par in cultural illiteracy with going down in the basement in a negligee with a candle to check why the power might have gone out, just after the radio announced that there was a psycho killer on the loose. Not to seem ungracious, but wigga please…

And second, I don’t think it really matters what housing costs are when the only criterion you have is that there has to be someplace dark and in your native soil.

Thanks though.

Lib Asks: It has been asked as long as humans have walked upright…what is the meaning of life?

Like I would tell you. Jeeze. Eyes on your own paper.

Argonaught Fleecy Writes:

1.) What’s the theatre scene like in Hawaii?

I saw some improv in a tent by the beach two weeks ago and there’s a group in the next town that gets together on Thursdays to sing show tunes. In Honolulu they have a real theater with a stage and stuff.

2.) Has any of your books ever been adapted into a stage play?

Nope. But a grade school in Solvang, California did Practical Demonkeeping with sock puppets.

3.) Will you buy me a monkey? (This is less of a question and more of a plea)

No. You must learn to fling your own poo.

skunk johnson writes: If/when we get though the current administration (after the next terrorist attacks, subsequent draft, 60’s style marches in the streets, etc), I’m thinking the real estate boom is gonna run it’s course and stocks will make a comeback. I’m thinking tech, but I’m wondering if maybe I might dip a toe in biotech since I’m already ankle-deep in semiconductors and internet stocks. Any other short/long term high-yield, low-risk investment advice is good too. Preferably something I can get into cheap and make a killing on quick.

Well, Skunk, I’d look into Medtronic. They make drug-coated stunts for angioplasty. Angioplasty is much cheaper than bypass (although arguably, not as effective), and with insurance companies looking at ways to cut benefits to patients, the cheaper procedure is the way to go. Boston Scientific is a good play here too, but doesn’t have as strong a balance sheet as Medtronic and they’ve had trouble with their drug-coated stint. If you decide to go into biotech go with the bigger companies with lots of products in the pipeline like Amgen or Genentech. Single product companies may make you a zillionaire, but they are just as likely to lose you money if the FDA stops a drug or therapy in the testing stage. Put tight stops on you biotechs. Every time some douch-waffle who doesn’t get the message from God that the reason she can’t conceive is because she is supposed to keep her tainted genes from peeing in the pool in the first place, and decides to have a litter of morons by in-vitro fertilization, the conservatives preach that the extra embryos should be thrown away instead of being used to develop therapies to cure neurological diseases and spinal cord injuries and biotech takes a hit. You are basically putting your money and security the hands of religious fanatics and the politicians who pander to them. The most promising gene therapies will come from a process that looks very-much like human cloning. People will feed their two-year old fish sticks that have so much mercury that you can tell the kid’s temperature by the red line on his forehead, but mention the word cloning and your going against God and nature.

Blarg Asks: I’ve started drawing again, and the local indy book/music store has agreed to sell my artwork for a few $$$ off each sale…they told me they would rather see more anime style characters and such intead of my current abstract stuff. I’m not dying for the money but it would bring a ton more in. but I absolutely hate drawing stuff i know some little 10 yr old is going to buy and crayon all over. Should I give in?

If you can continue to do the work that challenges you, sure, do the stuff that sells as well. If not, and you can still afford food and shelter, well don’t.

Argonaught Fleecy continues to ask:

4.) I notice that your message board has a Star Trek theme; how do you feel about the cancellation of Star Trek: Enterprise and about the current state of the franchise?

Don’t care. I picked this style because it was easy to read. If they’d had big, Fisher-Price primary color template to work with I’d have picked that. I look at a screen all day. Easy on the eyes is important.

5.) When is the sequel to Bloodsucking Fiends going to be finished?

Spring 06.

6.) When is your next book coming out?

Don’t know. Stupidest Angel 2.0 will be releases next Christmas with a bonus chapter added. After that I don’t know.

7.) Is your next book the aforementioned sequel?

No.

8.) Will you please buy me a monkey? Pretty please with sugar on it?

You gotta get past the monkey thing.

Jilly Beans writes:

Hey I mentioned first about the monkey in another thread. So I have dibs

1. What is otter scrubbing

It’s washing an otter to get oil off his pelt (usually from an oil spill). We usually use Dawn or Palmolive dishwashing liquid because it breaks down oil at the molecular level.

2. What is toad lotto

You leave a big sheet of foam core in the yard every night. In the morning you guess how many toads will be hiding under it. Whoever gets closest wins. We’ve had as many as 27 in one day.

3. When are you coming out with your next book Don’t know.

SGT Steve Asks: How long before you repent of the offer to answer questions?

Soon if I keep getting the monkey question.

FattyFattyPorkFace writes:

How is it that a person can perceive themselves one way and yet act so contrary that other people perceive them entirely different? Is there a way to get the two perceptions to align?

Yes.

Should I spend my time pondering more important issues such as why I am drawn to bbq potato chips and diet coke with lime? Why lime? Because lemon and vanilla are disgusting but regular diet coke just isn’t quite different enough?

You’re from England, correct? And you haven’t heard about the whole lime thing? Okay, I’m not going to be the one to tell you.

Sara Leigh writes:

What’s the real estate market like in Hawaii?

The average price of a home on Kauai is $625,000, up 45% from last year. Condos start at $425,000 and new condos under $500,000 are usually sold long before they are finished. We looked at a house across from the beach in 1998 that was $400,000. It sold again about six months ago for $3.2 million. Oahu, Maui, and the Big Island have different markets, but all are fairly hot right now. Molokai and Lanai don’t have real estate markets. Despite the astronomical increase in real estate prices around the country, the average mortgage is also increasing. So far people are able to afford the more expensive properties due to the historically low mortgage rates, but with the current administration running up record deficits and proposing another 3 trillion in borrowing to finance private accounts from Social Security, I don’t see this going on for much longer.

Here’s my thinking…

We have to sell debt to foreign investors. The solid value of the dollar and the stability of the American Government has always made American Bonds a good investment, but with the increasing devaluation of the dollar against foreign currencies, and the consolidation of European currencies in the Euro, therefore a stabilization in that new “international” currency, American debt may not be as attractive an investment in the future as it has been in the past, especially given the low returns. In order to make the debt more attractive, a higher rate will have to be paid, thus a higher rate will be charged to the debtor – that’s you, the tax payer. Interest rates will go up in general, and mortgage rates with them. For every percentage point rise in interest rates your payment goes up about $80 per month per hundred thousand of principal.

Essentially the market is controlled by the new, first-time home buyer. The luxury home market has always withstood hits on the greater market, but a million dollars is increasingly the price for an average home in many cities, where ten years ago it constituted a luxury dwelling nearly anywhere. So someone has to buy your million dollar home, and someone has to buy their $800,000 dollar home, and someone has to buy their $500,000 home, but then you start talking about people who are making the home-buying decision based on how big a mortgage they can afford, not how much equity they have built up in their home (first time buyers), and therein lies the problem. Plus, you have to have a place to live, so unless you are willing to downsize, or move to an area with lower property values, the money in your house is little more than the paper profits many of us watched evaporate in the stock market in 2000 and 2001. Enjoy your nice house with the tiny mortgage and the freedom that affords you.

There is money to be made, but if you get caught in the wrong part of the cycle, you can literally lose the roof over your head. That said, I’ve missed some major, major moves in real estate when I could have made serious “fuck you” money if I had made a move, so you might want to talk to people who have been in the business through a couple of “booms” and busts.

Actually, I can’t believe you guys are asking financial questions. I’m not even allowed to handle cash around the house because I’m so irresponsible. Obviously, your comments are encouraged and welcome, especially if you have a clue about money.

MORE ANSWERS COMING SOON FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, NO MORE MONEY QUESTIONS

The Author Guy, your all-knowing oracle, departs some mama-jammin’ wisdom:

Lauren Asks

Hey, Author Guy, what’s with all the snow we’re getting here on the East Coast? I, for one, am not amused. Will it ever be spring? (Like, real spring, with nice weather, and birds and grass growing and stuff, not just “yeah, March 20th.”)

ANS:

Easy answer. Like the torrential rains, flooding, and mudslides on the West Coast, your snow problems are purely political. By living in a Blue State you have pissed off God, and he is chastising you. This is not to say that he actually plays political favorites. The way he punishes people who live in red states like Nebraska is – well—Nebraska.

It will, however, be spring soon, when you will be visited by some ironic weather condition like a flood in the midst of a drought, a snow storm in the middle of heat wave, or squirrels with flaming flatulence, thus proving that we are put on this planet simply so God can fuck with us.

Ferrit Leggings Asks:

What is it that makes the likes of you, Kurt Vonnegut, Douglas Adams, and Hunter S Thompson so cool?

ANS:

We make you laugh.

I suppose my real question is what and who inspires you?

ANS:

Mostly I’m inspired by things I don’t understand. That is, I start a book because I hope that by the time I’m finished I’ll have some understanding of the stuff I’m writing about. I’m simply using the book to try to get my head around ideas like, how we construct faces to meet the world and how people react to those, and in that way we become tricksters (Coyote Blue), or what’s up with evolutionary biology? (Fluke) or, hey, death, what’s the deal? (The new book). I basically react to the world like a stone doofus, and therefore I put it in order in my own way. (The stories).

In the process of putting the story together I’m inspired by people I meet and see.

Jenny O Asks:

What’s your favorite pie?

ANS:

Gotta go with pumpkin. I like that someone has punished a squash the size of a Volkswagon until it submits to lying in a spicy puddle on a nest of crust. You can’t miss with a dessert that endures that kind of discipline.

Ted J Asks:

Hey AG, paper or plastic?

ANS:

I often envision Hamlet at the check-out counter, pondering that very question. And like that dark Dane, I am unable to decide. For while plastic is light and can be used again and again to suffocate oneself, paper can be pressed into action for cooling freshly baked bread, ripening avocados, and cutting into durable book covers. Paper, or plastic, that is the question! Both, I tell you. Both.

Consider carrying the severed human head to your car, if you will. While plastic will minimize the mess, it’s transparency ruins the surprise of your grisly trophy. The quiet loner who uses plastic alone will never have neighbors testifying to how helpful and shy he was if he parades his decaps through the parking garage. You gotta go with both. Plastic liner, paper cover.

Sgt. Steve Asks:

What comes first, the jokes or the plot?

ANS:

Both. Sometimes you have a great joke, so you write to that, other times you’re making the story adhere to the structure of the plot, and in the process you find funny situations. It also depends on how you set the defaults on your Comic Novel Writer 3.0 software.

Creepy asks: why do my kitties come in the house after being outside for awhile and go use the litterbox?

ANS: Kitties do not like to leave their “spoor” all over the place where CSI guys can shine flashlights on it and put it in evidence bags. At any given time, it is a safe bet that any cat is engaged in some kind of criminal activity. If they leave the evidence in the cat box they can conceal it quickly and not open themselves to prosecution.

why do they have to use it the second that i clean it? why why oh why?

ANS: The natural condition of a litter box is “nasty”. As soon as de-nastify it, your kitties feel the need to put it back in harmony with it’s nature.

Unc asks: Why do hot dogs come in packages of 10 and hot dog buns come in packages of 8?

What happens to all of those leftover hot dogs?

ANS: At any given time, 20% of the people in the US are on the Atkins or South Beach Diet. It seems strange that although this is a relatively recent social phenomenon, the hot dog – bun paradox has existed for over forty years. Yeah, well, how do explain all that oil under ground when the internal combustion engine has been used for barely more than a hundred years? Huh? What about that?

THAT’S IT FOR TODAY, KIDS. MORE ANSWERS TOMORROW

Okay, kids, here’s your chance to find out all the mysteries of live. In the Blog comments, post any question you have and the Author Guy will answer them in the next blog. Whether it’s quantum physics or stain removal, I am your full service Author Guy and will provide you with answers you can take to the bank.