Christopher Moore's Blog

Dates may be added. Don’t complain, there’s another tour in April that will hit the Midwest and other points East.

All Appearances Promoting You Suck Tuesday, January 16, 2007 07:00 PM BOOKS INC. Books Inc. Opera Plaza 601 Van Ness Ave San Francisco, CA 94102

Wednesday, January 17, 2007 07:30 PM KEPLER’S BOOKS STE 200 1010 El Camino Menlo Park, CA 94025 650-856-0978

Wednesday, January 17, 2007 12:00 PM M IS FOR MYSTERY 86 E. Third AVE San Mateo, CA 94401

Thursday, January 18, 2007 07:00 PM CODY’S BOOKS 1730 Fourth St Berkeley, CA 94710 (510) 845 0837

Thursday, January 18, 2007 01:00 PM BORDERLANDS 866 Valencia St San Francisco, CA 94110 415-824-8203

Friday, January 19, 2007 07:00 PM Bay Book and Tobacco Co 80 N Cabrillo Highway Half Moon Bay, CA 94019 650-726-3488

Saturday, January 20, 2007 04:00 PM VROMAN’S BOOKSTORE 695 E. Colorado BLVD Pasadena, CA 91101 626-449-5320 ext 250

Sunday, January 21, 2007 02:00 PM MYSTERIOUS GALAXY BOOKS STE 302 7051 Clairemont Mesa BLVD San Diego, CA 92111 858-268-4747

Monday, January 22, 2007 06:00 PM BORDERS #56 1360 Westwood Blvd. Westwood, CA 90024 310/475-0784

Tuesday, January 23, 2007 07:00 PM POWELL’S BOOKSTORE 1005 W Burnside Portland, OR 503-228-4651 x5889

Wednesday, January 24, 2007 07:00 PM UNIVERSITY BOOKSTORE Kane Hall, University of Washington Campus Seattle, WA 98105 206-633-6443

Thursday, January 25, 2007 07:00 PM THIRD PLACE BOOKS 17171 Bothell Way N.E. Lake Forest Park, WA 98155 206-366-3316

Saturday, January 27, 2007 07:30 PM AUNTIE’S BOOKSTORE 402 West Main Spokane, WA 99201-0249 (509)838-0206

Sunday, January 28, 2007 05:00 PM VILLAGE BOOKS 1224 Harris Ave Bellingham, WA 98225 800-392-2665

Tuesday, January 30, 2007 07:00 PM TATTERED COVER 2526 E Colfax AVE Denver, CO 80209 303-436-1070

Wednesday, January 31, 2007 07:00 PM BOULDER BOOKSTORE 1107 Pearl ST Boulder, CO 80302 303-447-2074 X125

Friday, February 02, 2007 12:00 PM POISONED PEN PHOENIX STORE/Central Store 215 E Grant Phoenix, AZ 85004 480-443-4282

Monday, February 05, 2007 08:00 PM BOOKS AND BOOKS Books and Books STE 204 9700 Collins AVE Bal Harbor Shops Miami, FL 33154 (305) 444-9044

Tuesday, February 06, 2007 07:00 PM JOSEPH-BETH BOOKSELLERS 4345 Barclay Downs Drive Charlotte, NC 28209 704 602 9800

Thursday, February 08, 2007 07:00 PM POLITICS & PROSE 5015 Connecticut Avenue NW Washington, DC 20008 202-363-7663

Friday, February 09, 2007 07:00 PM BARNES & NOBLE/Chelsea 675 6th Avenue @ 22nd ST New York, NY 10010 212-727-1675 direct

Sunday, February 11, 2007 01:00 PM CHESTER COUNTY BOOK COMPANY 975 Paoli Pike West Chester, PA 19380 610-696-1661

Monday, February 12, 2007 06:30 PM UNIVERSITY OF CONNECTICUT CO-OP 81 Fairfield Road, U-19 Storrs, CT 06269 860-486-5027

Tuesday, February 13, 2007 07:00 PM PORTER SQUARE BOOKS 25 White St Porter SQ Shopping Center Cambridge, MA 02140 617-491-2220

Friday, February 23, 2007 07:00 PM Copperfield’s Books 140 Kentucky ST Petaluma, CA 94952

And that was just another day out in London

Comments: http://bbs.chrismoore.com/viewtopic.php?p=115928#115928

COMMENTS: http://bbs.chrismoore.com/viewtopic.php?p=115191#115191

Stratford has all the modern conviences…

And many diverse visitors…

AND THAT’S A DAY AT STRATFORD ON AVON … [size=9′ target=’_blank’>Look, I know there are typos in the text, but I have to do these on the IBOOK, and the screen is so small that I can’t see the type when I’m editing. It would take another hour to reload them and fix them in that machine, so in the interest of getting some work done, here you go. Now, anyone have any idea how I could just paste all this into MYSPACE and have it work?

Comments: http://bbs.chrismoore.com/viewtopic.php?p=114407#114407

Well you do, don’t you?

A Dirty Job won the Quill award for best Novel of the Year.

How fucking much do you guys rock!

Thanks so much.

Comments: http://bbs.chrismoore.com/viewtopic.php?p=113948#113948

Just a few pics, until I get time and a good connection.

"Come on, ya tosser, give us a crisp, would ya. I’ll let you touch me squirlley bits."

Somehow, I knew I’d enjoy this neighborhood, if only I could avoid the low trees.

Pete Best was trying his — well, he was making a good try, but at this late date, it didn’t really work without the other four, did it? (I expect you more experienced readers to explain this to the youngsters.)

So, I’ve been traveling around England, researching a new book, and I haven’t been able to get a decent internet connection until tonight, but I wanted to share with you some things I’ve learned so far. I’ll get some pictures up in the next couple of days.

WHAT I HAVE LEARNED IN ENGLAND

1. The Underground is clean and easy. There is a guy who helps you if you are dumb and American. There are minimal crazy people on the trains. 2.People tend to be polite, but seem a bit amused by Americans. 3.Restrooms are small but very private. There’s no space above or below the stall door. It is, essentially, a toilet closet. Which explains a lot. They are called loos. 4. They serve mushrooms and grilled tomatoes with breakfast. 5.Cheese is good. 6. Coffee is strong. 7. The elevators talk. This is a little irritating. 8. They drive on the left side of the road because it makes it easier to run over Americans. 9. Some service people seem a little embarrassed when you try to tip them, but squirrels in London feel that you owe them treats. 10.The waiter will never bring the check unless you ask for it. It would be like asking you to leave. They will bring you a cot and a wubby so you can sleep well, but they won’t bring the bill. 11.The English are still a little pissed off about William the Conqueror — largely because he made them French. 12. Sweaters are called jumpers. People who jump up and down continuously are called sweaters. 13.The English leave their history lying around everywhere for you to trip over. 14.When shopping for houses in England, expect to pay more for a place with a sun room or a moat. 15. At the "London Streets of the 1800s" living exhibit, it’s frowned upon to ask if you can hack up a tart or two. 16. "Cockles and mussels, alive, alive ho," does not mean what I thought it did. 17.The English had a civil war in the 1600s. It was the Puritans, led by Oliver Cromwell, vs. Charles the 1st and the aristocrats. The Puritans won and cut off Charles’ head. Nevertheless, there were Charleses two through five, so the war was really pointless. In America we have addressed the difference between Puritans and the Aristocracy by making them the same people. 18. The British are pissed off at us for cocking up a perfectly good prime minister. 19. The answer to any Jeopardy question involving British architecture is "Christopher Wren". 20. English food is not as bad as they say, especially Thai. 21.Turns out that we stole many of our place names from England. They have a York, a Jersey, and a Hampshire. We just put "New" in front of them. 22.It is nearly impossible to order "spotted dick" in a restaurant without snickering. I didn’t have any better luck ordering a plaid vagina either. 23. There is no castle at Newcastle and it’s not new. There is a piece of Hadrian’s wall, which is not worth a handful of goat drool. 24.Much of the English countryside is strewn with sheep. They have programs for cleaning them up. 25. In Scotland, Scotch Tape is just called tape. 26. Scottish people can understand you, but you cannot understand them. The only thing you know how to say in their language is, "She kinna take warp nine for long, Cap’n."

More later, with pictures, but I have to go look at a pile of rocks.

Here you go, kids. I posted the first scene last year, but here’s the whole shebang.

Chapter 1 – Get Over It, A Lot of People Are Dead “You bitch, you killed me! You suck!” Tommy had just awakened for the first time as a vampire. He was nineteen, thin, and had spent his entire life between states of amazement and confusion. “I wanted us to be together.” Jody: pale, pretty, long red hair hanging in her face, cute swoop of a nose in search of a lost spray of freckles, a big lipstick-smeared grin. She’d only been undead herself for a couple of months, and was still learning to be spooky. “Yeah, that’s why you spent the night with him.” Tommy pointed across the loft to the life-sized bronze statue of a man in a tattered suit. Inside the bronze shell was the ancient vampire who had turned Jody. Another bronze of Jody stood next to him. When the two of them had gone out at sunrise, into the sleep of the dead, Tommy had taken them to the sculptors who lived on the ground floor of his building and had the vampires bronzed. He’d thought it would give him time to think of what to do, and keep Jody from running off with the old vampire. Tommy’s mistake had been drilling ear holes in Jody’s sculpture so she could hear him. Somehow, during the night before the bronzing, the old vampire had taught her to turn to mist, and she’d streamed out of the ear holes into the room, and – well — here they were: dead, in love, and angry. “I needed to know about what I am, Tommy. Who else was going to tell me if not him?” “Yeah, but you should have asked me before you did this,” Tommy said. “You shouldn’t just kill a guy without asking. It’s inconsiderate.” Tommy was from Indiana, and his mother had raised him to have good manners and to be considerate of other people’s feelings. “You had sex with me while I was unconscious,” Jody said. “That’s not the same,” Tommy said. “I was just being friendly, like when you put a quarter in someone else’s parking meter when they aren’t there – you know they appreciate it later, even if they don’t thank you personally.” “Yeah, wait until you go out in your jammies and wake up all sticky in a cheerleader outfit and see how grateful you are. You know, Tommy, when I’m out, technically, I’m dead. Guess what that makes you?” “Well – uh— yeah, but you’re not even human. You’re just some foul dead thing.” Tommy immediately regretted saying it. It was hurtful and mean, and although Jody was, indeed, dead, he didn’t find her foul at all — in fact, he was pretty sure he was in love with her, he was just a little embarrassed about the whole necrophilia/cheerleader thing. Back in the Midwest people didn’t mention that sort of thing unless a dog dug up a pom pom in some guy’s back yard and the police eventually discovered the whole human pyramid buried under the swing set. Jody sniffled, completely for effect. Actually she was relieved that Tommy was now on the defensive. “Well welcome to the Foul, Dead Thing Club, Mr. Flood.” “Yeah, you drank my blood,” Tommy said. “A lot.” Damn, she should have pretended to cry. “You let me.” “Again, being considerate,” Tommy said. He stood up and shrugged. “You just let me because of the sex.” “That’s not true, it was because you needed me.” He was lying, it was because of the sex. “Yes, I did,” Jody said. “I still do.” She held her arms out to him. “I really do.” He walked into her arms and held her. She felt amazing to him, even more amazing than she had before. It was as if his nerves had been dialed up to eleven. “Okay, it was because of the sex.” Great, she thought, in control once again. She kissed his neck. “How do you feel about it now?” “Maybe in a minute, I’m starving.” He let go of her and stormed across the loft to the kitchen, where he pulled a burrito out of the freezer, threw it into the microwave, and hit the button, all in one smooth motion. “You don’t want to eat that,” Jody said. “Nonsense, it smells great. It’s like every little bean and pork piece is sending out it’s own delicious miasma of flavor vapor.” Tommy used words like “miasma” because he wanted to be a writer. That’s why he’d come to San Francisco in the first place – to take life in big bites and write about it. Oh, and to find a girlfriend. “Put the burrito down, and back away Tommy,” Jody said. “I don’t want you to get hurt.” “Ha, that’s cute.” He took a big bite and grinned at her as he chewed.

Five minutes later, because she felt responsible, Jody was helping him clean bits of masticated burrito off the kitchen wall and the front of the refrigerator. “It’s like every bean was storming the gates of repressive digestion to escape.” “Yeah, well, being refried will do that to you,” Jody said, stroking his hair. “You okay?” “I’m starving. I need to eat.” “Not so much eat,” Jody said. “Oh my God! It’s the hunger. I feel like my insides are caving in on themselves. You should have told me about this.” She knew how he felt – actually, she had felt worse when it happened to her. At least he knew what was happening to him. “Yeah, sweetie, we’re going to have to make a few adjustments.” “Well what do I do? What did you do?” “I mostly fed off of you, remember?” “You should have thought this through before you killed me. I’m fucked.” “We’re fucked. Together. Like Romeo and Juliet, only we get to be in a sequel. Very literary, Tommy.” “Oh, that’s a comfort. I can’t believe you just killed me like that.” “And turned you into a super-being, thank you very much.” “Oh crap, there’s burrito spooge all over my new sneakers.” “You can see in the dark, now,” Jody said cheerfully. “Wanna try it? I’ll get naked. You can look at me in the dark. Naked. You’ll like it.” “Jody, I’m starving over here.” She couldn’t believe that he didn’t respond to the naked persuasion. What kind of monster had she created? “Okay, I’ll find you a bug or something.” “A bug?! A bug!? I’m not eating a bug.” “I said there’d have to be some adjustments.”

Tommy had been dealing with more than a few adjustments since he’d come West from his home town of Incontinence, Indiana – not the least of which had been finding a girlfriend, who, while smart, sexy, and quick-witted, drank his blood and tended to fall unconscious at the exact moment of sunrise. He’d always suspected that she might have just picked him because he worked nights and could walk around during the day, especially since she’d once said, “I need someone who works nights and can walk around during the day,” but now that he was a vampire, he could close the door on that insecurity and open another onto a whole new world of insecurities he’d never even considered before. The appropriate age for a vampire is four-hundred years old – he should be a world-weary and sophisticated creature, his human anxieties long-since overcome or evolved into macabre perversions. The problem with a nineteen year-old vampire is that he drags all of his adolescent insecurities into the dark with him. “I’m really pale,” Tommy said, staring at himself in the bathroom mirror. They’d figured out early on that vampires do, indeed, cast a reflection in a mirror, just like they could tolerate proximity to crucifixes and garlic. (Tommy had run experiments on Jody while she slept, including many involving cheerleader outfits and personal lubricants.) “And not just winter in Indiana pale. I’m like pale like you.” “Yeah,” said Jody, “I thought you liked the pale.” “Sure, it looks good on you, but I look ill.” “Keep looking,” Jody said. She was leaning against the door frame, dressed in tight black jeans and a half-shirt, her hair tied back and streaming down her back like a flaccid red comet tail. She was trying not to appear too amused. “Something’s missing,” Tommy said. “Something besides color.” “Uh huh,” Jody grinned. “My skin cleared up! I don’t have a single zit.” “Ding, ding, ding,” Jody onomatopeed, signaling that Tommy had hit on the correct answer. “If I had known my skin would clear up I’d have asked you to change me a long time ago.” “I didn’t know how to a long time ago,” Jody said. “That’s not all, take off your shoes.” “I don’t understand, I—“ “Just take off your shoes. “ Tommy sat on the edge of the tub and took off his sneakers and socks. “What?” “Look at your toes.” “They’re straight. My little toe isn’t bent any more. It’s like I’ve never worn shoes.” “You’re perfect,” Jody said. She remembered finding out this condition of vampirism and being both delighted and horrified because now she felt that she’d always need to lose five pounds – five pounds that were preserved for eternity. Tommy pulled up the leg of his jeans and studied his shin. “The scar where I hit myself with a hatchet, it’s gone.” “And it always will be,” Jody said. “You’ll always be perfect, just like you are now. My split ends even went away.” “I’ll always be the same?” “Yes.” “Just like I am now.” “As far as I know,” Jody said. “But I was going to start working out. I was going to be buff. I was going to have abs of steel.” “No you weren’t.” “I was. I was going to be an awesome hunk of muscular man-meat.” “No you weren’t. You wanted to be a writer. You were going to have little stick arms and get winded when you hit the back-space key more than three times consecutively. You’re in great shape from working in the grocery store. Wait until you see how you can run.” “You really think I’m in great shape?” “Yes, I thought I made that clear.” Tommy flexed his chest in the mirror, which showed not at all through his flannel shirt. He unbuttoned his shirt and tried it again, with little effect, then shrugged. “What about the writer thing? Will my brain always be like this? I mean, will I get any smarter, or is that stuck in time too?” “Well, yeah, but that’s because you’re a man, not because you’re a vampire.” “You spiteful harpy.” “I think I’ve made my point,” Jody said.

Jody had put on a red leather jacket, even though she could no longer feel discomfort from the cold fog coming in off the Bay. She liked the way it looked with her black jeans and a low-cut black lace camisole she’d rescued from a Nordstorm Rack Store before some slut got hold of it. “Come on, Tommy, we need to go find something for you to eat before we run out of night.” “I know, but I have something I have to do. Give me a minute.” He was in the bathroom again, this time with the door shut. Jody heard the zipper of his jeans go down, then a slightly breathless man-scream. The bathroom door flew open and Tommy, his pants and underwear around his ankles, bunny-hopped in two great leaps across the bedroom. “Look at this. What’s happening to me. Look at this!” He was pointing furiously to his penis. “It’s like I’m some radioactive mutant freak.” Jody went to him and grabbed his hands – held him steady, looked him in the eyes. “Tommy, calm down. It’s just your foreskin.” “I don’t have a foreskin. I’m circumcised.” “Not anymore,” Jody said. “Evidently, when you turned, it grew back, just like your toes straightened and your scars all went away.” “Oh. You don’t find it creepy then?” “No. It’s fine.” “You want to touch it?” “Thanks. Maybe later.” “Oh, sorry, I freaked. Didn’t realize. I — uh — I still feel like I have to finish what I was going to do.” “That’s fine,” Jody said. “You’re fine. You go finish up. I’ll wait.” “You’re sure you don’t want to give it a quick fondle?” “If I do, can we get out of here?” “Probably not.” “Well then, back in the bathroom you go.” She spun him around and gave him a gentle shove. He bunny-hopped his newly recovered foreskin back into the bathroom and closed the door. Jody shuddered at the sound of the door closing. She hadn’t thought about whether or not Tommy would retain his incessant horniness after he turned, she had just wanted a companion who could understand what she was, what she felt, what the world looked like through vampire eyes. If it turned out that he was going to be nineteen forever she might end up having to kill him for real. Comments: http://bbs.chrismoore.com/viewtopic.php?p=109446#109446

Okay, kids, here it is. You did it once, you can do it again.

A Dirty Job is nominated in the category of best Fiction, best Audio Book, and Best Book of the Year. Be sure to vote in all three categories, and vote early and often:

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/13737563/

The argument goes, that because he has been a leader in the senate, because he did not personally hold the sword that killed tens of thousands, that he is not accountable. Joe Lieberman is whom I’m talking about, of course.

He got his clock cleaned tonight in the Democratic primary in Connecticut.

But let me remind Joe of another Jewish leader. A guy named Moses, who had also served for many years, and who also accomplished a lot for his people, but because he rebelled against the Lord’s commandment, was not allowed to enter the Promised Land.

Moses, it turns out, was not allowed to run as independent because the Jew thing wasn’t working out for him, and Joe Lieberman should not be allowed to change the race because the race did not favor him. That is a distinctly Republican thing to do, and Joe needs to be smote upside the head for even thinking about it.

And while I’m punishing this metaphor, it turns out that the God of Abraham got his forgiveness on after fourteen-hundred or so years, and he said, “Know what? You repent and say that I’m your one and only, and I’ll give you a pass. And to show you I’m sincere on this, I’ll kill this Jewish kid, who is my son.” (I’m paraphrasing.) So there you go. But there was the repent thing. And believe me, I’m only dragging god into this because Joe drags god into it all the time.

Repent, get redemption.

But Joe didn’t repent. Joe voted for the war. Hell, nearly everybody voted for the war. But when they found out that the reasons they were given for voting for the war were false, and that all the estimates of how the war would be fought and won turned out to be wrong, the smart and ethical people said, “You know what, that was a bad decision. I repent. I’m sorry. I don’t support this war.”

Not Joe.

Know what Joe? You don’t get to go. And as soon as I post this blog, I’m sending a note to the DNC, letting them know that if they support Lieberman from here on out, I’m done with them. No money, no support from me. I’ll write my senators and congressmen, and let them know too, that any support for Lieberman and I’m done with them. I will oppose them and campaign against them if they support this guy.

In early 2000 or maybe it was 99, when Al Gore picked Lieberman for a running mate I was thrilled. I was thrilled because Gore had the guts to pick a Jewish candidate, and I had just spent three years researching and writing Lamb, and I had learned a lot about the Jewish people, and I thought it was courageous thing for Gore to do. Now I have to admit, I had no idea how Lieberman operated. I didn’t know his voting record, and I hadn’t heard him speak, so I guess I was guilty of, what would you call it? Semitism? Yes, I was thrilled just because the guy was Jewish. Mea Culpa. I repent.

I now oppose him, not because of his religion, but because of his actions. The friend of my enemy is my enemy, to turn the phrase around. When someone as visible and powerful in the party as Lieberman was, aligns with George Bush, then sticks with him after he knows the guy has committed crimes against humanity, well, no promised land for you Joe. I seldom post anything quite this personally political, and I may take it down in a couple of days, but for now I’m calling on the eight of you who agree with me about these things, actively oppose Lieberman’s run as an independent in Connecticut. He betrayed the party once, how do you think he’s going to behave once he’s sent to Washington with Republican and Independent votes.

(And how many lame “Say it ain’t so, Joe” headlines are we going to see today? Maybe I’ll be the first one with a lame Moses metaphor, though?)

Comments: http://bbs.chrismoore.com/viewtopic.php?p=105568#105568